A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Funeral...

Ok, so I’m gonna talk about love. And what better way to do it than with yet another Brit flick! This time it’s a little known movie called Alive and Kicking (alternate title, which I believe to be the US release title: Indian Summer). I basically have fallen in lust with Antony Sher, and his character, Jack. What can I say? I’m a bearhunter and definitely has a thing for men with facial hair, specifically beards and goatees, and hairy chests — but a good face is a good face.

But let’s get back on track. The story is about Tonio, (Jason Flemyng), a dancer in a company who has to reexamine his career when his doctor says that he can’t continue dancing anymore. He decides to do a last performance and it is an old piece called Indian Summer, choreographed by the company’s founder. His mentor and the dance company’s choreographer dies of AIDS and it is at his funeral that Tonio accidentally brushes with Jack (Antony Sher), a counselor with a local ASO (AIDS Service Organization). They later meet at a gay bar and that’s when the reluctant relationship started.

Why the reluctance? See, Tonio is positive and Jack is not. Tonio thinks that Jack is only sleeping with him because he feels obligated after Tonio revealed his status. Jack, on the other hand, thinks that Tonio is sleeping with him because he could no longer get those cute, skinny young guys; Jack is, if you know Antony Sher, a bear. Like I said in a previous piece, gay life is full of unnecessary scenes. Yet they do get along and they do start a relationship that is fulfilling and emotionally trying. Yes, they fell in love.

If you think you’re in a difficult relationship, you haven’t heard the half of it. Picture finding yourself in love with a positive man (or negative, for those who are poz). There are more issues you have to deal with, and at times it feels like you’re inundated by them all. Like every relationship, the dynamics are different and so are the solutions to it.
 

Six Degrees To Everything.

Let’s start this discussion with one of the more common factors in a relationship, particularly to those of us who are more open and liberated: sex (Note: this also includes straights who perfected other positions than just missionary).

For most gay men, what constitutes safer sex is mutual masturbation, blowjobs and fucking with a condom. All of this is rosy until you get on shakier ground when your partner discloses the fact that he is positive. Suddenly, mutual masturbation seems riskier because you don’t know if he should come all over you. Blowjobs without a condom is a no-no even if he doesn’t come in your mouth but it’s ok to him (and you) if you come in his. Fucking without a condom and pulling out before coming is a warning beacon with sirens. And that’s just vanilla sex; I haven’t even venture to the S&M and B&D portion.

Here are some things that I’ve observed in my short term as a gay man:

• Most gay men would say fucking without a condom is dangerous; yet there are few who would be willing to fuck or be fucked without a condom provided whoever does the fucking doesn’t come inside, and providing that the situation is so damn hot, putting on a condom would mean losing momentum.
• Many prefer their blowjobs without a condom and many still would like to swallow or watch their load get swallowed.

Does that mean that we should change the way we prepare safer sex information? No. It just means that acceptable risks are different for everyone. It means that it doesn’t stay constant, even over time. It is up to individuals to choose which is safe and which is not.

This relates directly to sex in relationships. At the start of the epidemic when we’ve finally found that HIV could be spread by unprotected sex, gay men in relationships dare not even dream of having sex without a condom even if both men have had tests confirming they are negative. Now the situation has changed. More and more gay men are loosening up their definition within the confines of their relationships. Those who have made commitments to stay in monogamous relationships and are both negative have chosen to have bareback sex. Then there are those who have made similar commitments but chose not to have bareback sex for fear of infidelity.

Those who are in open relationships define it in twofold: the first one is bareback sex within the relationship and varying degrees of safer sex with a third and subsequent partner or safer sex outside of the relationship; the second one is strictly varying degrees of safer sex within and outside of the relationship.

Of course, I haven’t factored in positive gay men yet. Bareback is an option only if their partners are positive as well. Even this is not true to most positive gay men as some are aware of the potential risks of being infected with different or drug-resistant strains of HIV. Safer sex is central whether they have established monogamous or open relationships.

Now when you mix positive and negative gay men, that’s an entirely different animal altogether.
 

Rubber Thy Love.

To some PLWHAs (People Living With HIV/AIDS), sex is stressful. They are constantly being internally reminded that they are positive and that they must be careful. Then there are others who take it on a slightly lighter note that as long as no Exxon Valdez happen, they are alright. Whatever it is, rubber is the new religion.

Sex in gay relationships, for some reason or another, is extremely vital to the stability of the relationship, whether or not it happens within the relationship. And raw, bareback sex is even more valued as it is deemed as a cementing of trust, love and lust all in one squirt of ejaculation. Amazing what a difference an ounce make.

It’s hard. Even now that AIDS is called a long-term manageable disease, that still won’t mean didley to gay men who are in HIV discordant relationships. At least with gay men who are not positive but have developed diabetes, they could if they choose to do so have unprotected sex with other negative men. Bareback sex has become a luxury item most gay couples would prefer to have.

While love does not equal to sex (yes, Miss Prude, it does not), when it involves unprotected sex, it does. It has direct bearing as to how you and your partner define your relationship. How you want sex to be is different from how he would want it and achieving a middle ground is vital to the sustainability of a loving relationship.

Sex has developed into a symbol. It means loving yourself, loving your partner and honoring the trust that is put onto you.
 

Under Pressure.

Love is always easy. You don’t even have to try before you realize you’re up to your neck in it. But dating and having a relationship are hard.  It is harder when you’re positive.

Dating is still the most crucial timeframe for the building of a relationship especially in the gay community. It is when you establish more than sexual attraction and have personal revelations. It is when you establish a mutual level of trust.

But how do positive gay men establish trust when they are not given enough safe space to be positive in the gay community? The dilemma that they face is that they might not get to have a second date, let alone to second base, if they disclose their status right away. And if they do wait until the relationship is stable before their disclosure, they might be accused of being deceitful.

Recently, I conducted a session to find out what non-positive gay men actually felt about gay men who are PLWHAs. As expected, most gave the stereotypical view of what positive gay men are all about. As expected, most would not have sex with positive gay men if they knew about their status. And as expected, most felt that their sexual practices are safe enough. But even after I've explained the science and the risks involved behind the sexual practices, most would still not have sex with positive gay men. That outcome was disappointing but not unexpected. It seems that ignorance and fear still drive these gay men to say no to men who disclose their positive status, and to say yes to those who looks healthy and does not disclose.  They talk the talk but don't walk the walk.

How could we as a community solve this problem when maturity and common sense don’t always exist? Everyone who’ve lived long enough knows that it is one thing to say that you’re ok with PLWHAs when you’ve never met one and another when you’re actually dating one.

The answer might be a broader level of understanding of PLWHAs and HIV/AIDS within the community and also our acceptance and love of everyone in the community. That however is an ideal that I admit could not be reached.
 

Two Worlds Collide.

There’s a scene in Alive and Kicking where a drunken Jack burst into Tonio’s apartment and asks him why he isn’t angry at being positive, at the virus and at the world. Tonio does not answer. Then Jack breaks down and cries in a heartbreaking moment that speaks volumes in Tonio’s silence. I won’t spoil it for you by explaining the scene; besides, it’s how I saw it and your perception might be totally different from mine. Regardless, that scene and the ending dialogue is worth buying this movie alone. Alive and Kicking is worth your while so rent or buy it on VHS, LD or DVD.

HIV discordant relationships survive on two different realities merging into one, the non-positive partner and the positive partner. Both need to live within their own world and make sense of the other’s point of view. It’s akin to falling in love with someone of a totally different culture than yours. There are worlds that you can share and enjoy together and then there are experiences that requires a been-there-done-that T-shirt.

It’s crazy but it can work. You have to want to make it work. In the end, what keeps it together is your commitment to the relationship. In one word, love.

For those of you out there —  gay, bisexual or straight, with illnesses or perfectly healthy — who yearn for a relationship or are already in one, know this : once you start a relationship, accept the fact that it will end. It may end mutually, or acrimoniously. It may end painfully or with a shrug and a toast. It may end with two souls living life after love or just one person with boxes full of memories. There is no use in worrying how it is going to end, for your relationship would not, I promise you, last a lot longer then it could have. Just take that love, the one that is given and received, and cherish it every single moment of its existence. Enjoy it while it last. That is the whole point.

Love is excruciating. Love is wonderful.

WetWetWet

PS — Love could also be a pain in the ass, figuratively and literally.