March 27, 2005. Where do I begin? How do I talk about living for 10 years without my son? He was killed when he fell from a bridge? He drowned. Ok, so he committed suicide by jumping from a bridge on March 27th at approximately 1:00 a.m. His body was missing for 11 weeks until he finally surfaced on June 11th. He was 23 ½ and he was the center of all of our lives. And the 10 year anniversary of his death is Easter Sunday.
Sigh…His brother Micheal says I shouldn’t remember this day, makes for too many milestones. He said to just go with the June 11th. But my heart knows. I didn’t believe it that day, but when I didn’t hear from him on Mother’s Day I lost hope. And besides, June 11th is the day his brother Chris died.
Since January of this year I’ve been telling everyone I planned to have a nervous breakdown on this anniversary. Truthfully, I never know how it will hit me, or when.
I was skating by, silently missing him, when I found out his brother Micheal is moving to Florida. Micheal used to live in Florida, but last June moved to Chesapeake, Virginia. Just 3 ½ hours away, he came home a lot. I loved it. He spent time with his brother, we played games, we had little dinner parties. Life was starting to get really good. I had enough.
This news was the depression catalyst. But, it’s Micheal’s life and he was so unhappy at his current job. It’s silly for a grown woman to feel this way about a move her 30 year old son is making, I just have to deal with it, right? When he came home this last weekend I could hardly say goodbye to him, not knowing when I would see him again. Even now I can’t say his name, or type this, without tearing up and feeling this enormous pain in my chest.
So, I have walked around all week, weepy, sad, missing my boys. Stunned that I have lived 10 whole years without my first-born, child of my heart, love of my life, son. Where have 10 years gone?
I hate it that Josh didn’t get to know Joey. I hate it that I don’t know where Joey would have gone. What would he look like as a man? Would he have married? Given me grandbabies? That beautiful brown eyed, brown haired little girl? I hate it that he doesn’t know how I have changed. My career has gone well, I finished by BS, and am working on my Masters. He would be so proud. But he was proud of me before. That was the cool thing, we each had the other on a pedestal. I HATE IT that he doesn’t know I am a better person, more compassionate, more loving, more forgiving…and I miss him today more than I did 10 years ago.
So, this Easter Sunday, I will try to honor my boy. Gather your loved ones to you, share a kiss and a hug, and say a prayer for Joey.
November 2003, I finally dreamed about you. You were strong, healthy, happy. I awoke feeling comforted. The first time in so long. Sign...
September 6, 2003, Your birthday was tough this year.I miss you Joey. love, mom.
Happy Halloween 2001. I was so depressed today, missing you. Tired of not having you. I know you are with me, but...
March 2001 - Holy Hanna, Holy Hanna. I cannot believe it has been 6 years. I never thought I would make it this far, Joey. But, as Chris said, "it's all good." I can still feel your hands in mine, I can still see that heart stopping smile! I feel you around me. I still don't dream of you. I still have not gotten a vision, but I feel you. I feel more at peace with where you are.
I love you, child of my heart.
3/27/00...Five whole years. I guess things have changed. I was awake almost a whole hour before I thought of you today. Of course, you've been on my mind continously for the last few weeks. Of all things, in the news tonight was a story about a decomposed body that washed up, they showed the clothes...what was once a denim jacket was green and slimy. And so the pain pierced me again. So many questions. All I can do now is pray that you are at peace. I beg my guardian spirits to watch over you and guide you. I 'hear' from Chris constantly. I 'feel' Chris constantly. But not you Joey. And we were so connected when you were on this earth. Why not from you? Auntie Peggy says maybe it's because I haven't let go, let you move on. What say you?
Someone said, wow, five years, that's not long at all. And part of me says yes, five years is not enough to adjust to life without you. But another part says FIVE WHOLE YEARS without you. How have I gone on? I miss you JoJo Bear. Josh says if Joey was your JoJo bear and Chris was your Pooh bear, what am I? I told him I didn't know. He said he wanted to be a JoJo bear too. Are you with me every day Joey and I don't even know? I love you brown eyed boy. More than ever. I found out your friend Amy signed your guest book. She misses you. Not that I wish her pain, but I'm glad that others remember you. Such a miracle you were. I love you.
9/16/99...You would have been 28 years old this year. How could that be? My tall skinny boy, forever young, forever a "Joey". I went to a 'channeler', she told me you were stuck in a dark lonely place because that's all you ever believed was there. She says that you have seen how I love you still and regret the pain you have caused. She claimed with my 'consent' you could go on to a bright beautiful place. I went through the motions of sending you on. Part of me believes because she told me things that she couldn't have 'guessed'...of course part of me is afraid to believe. SO, whatever, Joey, I urge you to go on, find peace. I miss you, I love you. But more than anything, I want eternal peace for you. Mama.
Merry Christmas 1998, my heart, love of my life. I miss you so. Our ice maker drops ice cubes sometimes and we say "Oh, there's the boys playing tricks." Now that they have moved out, Aunt Kelly's ice maker drops ice! She said she hopes it's you guys saying hello. Send me sign. Aunt Kelly saw a look- a -like the other day. Such torture. I finally dreamed about you as a grown up the other night. Such pleasure, such hurt.
Joey was the firstborn of my four sons. He was tall and skinny, lanky and graceful. He was born a blonde, but his hair got darker as he got older. Later, he alternately had brown, green, pink, purple and green striped hair. He had his tongue, his eyebrow and other things I probably don't want to know about, pierced! He gave the best hugs. He had the most wonderful chocolate eyes. God, how I miss them.
I love you forever, I love you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.
4/1/99 - No fooling, this has been a rough week JoJo Bear. I seem to deal with the 'sadness' of holidays, easter, mothers day, etc with some semblance of control. But these death day anniversaries just drag me down. The depression smothers me. I try to fight it, I try to tell myself you are in a better place but I miss you so and I am so scared, so afraid that something is wrong. I know if there was a way, you would send me a message, something big that my lame brain would recognise, not an obscure butterfly or rainbow. But a big goofy sign that was OBVIOUSLY from you. I see so many movies that depict suicides afterlife as something dark and horrible. That would be so unfair, for you to have hurt so on this earth and not have peace. But it's my fear. I love you Joey, you were/are the love of my life. Shame on me, I love your brothers each so differently, so deeply but you...oh Joey, you were everything magical. I pray that you are somewhere colorful and happy and that you know Christopher. I pray you are watching Joshua and you see how much like you he is, so cute, so funny, so loving, so talkative! So much like you, some like Chris and Micheal.
Joey was the glue of our family. We are a very close family, but Joey was the one who made us laugh, think, talk, understand. He was the one who cemented the relationships we have today.
Joey was a smooth talker, a good listener, a con artist (!), a deep thinker. Joey had a knack for making people open up and find things hidden deep inside. It is this knack that is sorely missed by me and by his brothers.
JOEY WAS A BI-SEXUAL MAN AND THIS IS THE REASON I HAVE DEDICATED THIS PAGE TO HIM. People need to know his story, the hurt he faced and why I feel compelled to keep future generations from hurting.
Joey was our magic boy. I hope to use this sight to tell his story and to help our family heal.
3/27/97 Dear Joey, today you have been gone from me for 2 whole years. I sit here with my heart heavy and my fingers
barely able to type these words. I move through quicksand to get from day to day. I still need to know why, I still need
to know how you are, I still need to know what I did wrong. I want so much to hear your laugh, that crazy, contagious laugh you had.
I want to see those big brown chocolate eyes smiling at me, giving my heart flip flops every time I saw them, because you were mine! I want one of those famous Joey hugs. I want to lay my head on your chest and hear your heart beat. I miss you, I miss you,I miss you.
Joey, you made so many of my dreams come true. You were funny and sweet and kind and goofy. All the things I admire in a person!
My friend Gabi, who lost her son too, says we won't stop missing our kids till we stop loving them. I guess this gets to go on till forever.
3/28/97- Today I read an article in People magazine about celebrities who have lost children. It was an eye opener for me. I think I have felt 'stuck' because the pain is greater, the loss is felt deeper than ever. I think I imagined that I was choosing these feelings. And somehow, that was supposed to be wrong. why would I choose to be unhappy, a victim, in pain for the rest of my life? After reading about Bill Cosby, John Walsh, Sally Jesse, etc., I realize that this is all it can be. I cannot expect to be whole again. If you took my right arm, I could not expect to function as if it were still there. I can live without it, but I won't function the same. I used to be such a goofy person, truly a pollyanna. And I mourn that loss also. But I cannot have that 'me' back, cannot expect to get her back when her heart is missing. Yes, I have Chris and Micheal and Joshua. And they are truly magnificient. I am more than blessed by having them healthy and whole. And I know, without them, I would not bother to go on. But, Joey, this is to tell you that you and Chris and Micheal and Josh made up 95% of who I am, who I want to be. So, I don't have to feel bad about feeling bad. It just is.
My 3 boys at Christopher's graduation
"The stars are not wanted now, put out every one
Pack up the moon, dismantle the sun.
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods.
For nothing now can ever come to any good."
My feelings this 3rd mothers day without him.
6/16/97- Well Joey? Are you two together? are you having great fun without parental supervision? Mama's not doing so good.
Can you believe Chris died 2 years from the day we found you? 26 months later. What does this mean Jo Jo bear?
More pictures of Joey
my baby girl!
Link to a memorial for Joey made by a very special friend-Kat's mom
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