If you're looking for one of those supportive & informative transgender pages by someone at peace with themselves, there are better places to go. I HAVE NOT COME TO TERMS WITH MY CROSS DRESSING! Maybe by doing this page I will finally deal with this issue which has caused and still causes so much confusion, anxiety & self loathing. I can neither afford nor trust my ability to find, a competent psychiatrist. Most of my web browsing has been dedicated to looking at transgender pages trying to find one that may explain my situation, there are many good pages out there, I never realized how many, and how many different types of transgendered people there were. I've looked over many definitions pages and until recently had not seen one which my scenario. I'd put a link to the site here but I'm not real good at this internet thing and neglected to bookmark it, this article explained much and covers my well, but it also defines me as a PERVERT, which hardly helps me to accept and like myself.

While I fantasize constantly about being female I do not consider gender reassignment a viable option. For one thing I can't afford it. Secondly I would insist on being able to pass, not to be attractive to men but to avoid inescapable ridicule, and at six foot five with size 14 feet that is not possible, not to mention a total lack of any hips or ass. Also not having been raised as a girl, I just don't know how to act female I definitely am male and no surgery can change that.

I have tried to stop cross dressing many times and even managed to discontinue it for as long as two years but it always recurs, I just can't help myself! Mostly I just wear panties or girdles under my male clothing, less frequently I'll add a bra, only when my shirt is heavy enough that it doesn't show or I have a coat on. I don't have or know how to apply any makeup other than lipstick and the only wig I have is a cheap toy from K mart I got last halloween, so don't expect to much from my pictures. Recently I acquired a set of silicon breasts, pictures now available, which feel unbelievably good, I sleep with them on most nights in my favorite "pajamas"shown hereand hate removing them in the morning, but one does what one must. Having only two thirds of my male equipment makes hiding it slightly easier but I've yet to figure out a really good system for hiding the bulge.

So where does that leave me? Do I try to stop again? Do I jump into it with abandon, learning how to use cosmetics and getting a quality wig or three? Or do I just keep on as I am, alternating between self loathing and ecstasy? Maybe the Prozac will help.

(Aug. 12,'99)  I've decided to date my ramblings so my thought patterns can be followed. This page is my shrink, and with your help it may work as well or even better than an actuall psychiatrist. This page started out as bottom half of the main page (Dee's Stats being the top half), and as such was the first thing created for this section it was written in the spring of 1999, posted in June and edited in July (added "pajama" picture). I thought about erasing this whole page and starting it over, but decided to leave it as a reference of where I started. I'm actually less sure about things than before, need to surf around some more looking for good definitions and try to decide where I fit in, who I really am.

(Aug.15.'99) My Veronica from Classic Curves arrived yesterday! I'ts a couple weeks sooner than I'd thought it would come, I have not finished 2nd sewing project (its a jumpsuit meant for use with the Veronica) but I'm getting close will have pictures soon. I got a lighted Make up mirror today so hopefully I'll do a better job of it on the jumpsuit / veronica pictures. Still have not found definitions I'm satisfied with I'll keep looking.

(Aug.23.'99) I started using some compression on the jpg's, the gif's are next. I tried to maintain a sufficient image quality some images are compressed more than others depending on how important quality was for each picture.

Lately I've been thinking about sexuality, I've noticed four ways I look at women: #1. as research, studying one aspect or another to help my improvement. #2. In envy. #3. As a potential soulmate. #4. With lusting. And two ways I look at men: #1. As a potential threat. #2. As competition.

(Sept.6,'99) I almost went to Wigstock click for details, I did go out just did'nt quite get there. I have decided to stop looking for definitions it seems that no two people are exactly alike so labels are meaningless.

(Sept.12,'99) One of my yahoo clubs got deleted recently, so i picked out another one. I keep the number down so I can keep things straight. I even tried to start one up called the Sewing Room, two people joined only to withdraw the next day. I guess there very few if any others who sew, so I'm not really supprised to not get new members but still it's a little dissapointing.

I've been chatting with a friend, it seems that getting stood up is the NORM and not the exception. It's too bad that we have to worry about being hurt by ourselves as well as "straights".

(Sept.18,'99) I had hoped to have put up pictures of my new wig about now. Yesterday I just got a notice of back order so I won't get the wig until at least the end of the month. I'm planning on going out to meet people again next week, this time it's an even longer drive so I hope they'll be there! If they are of course there will be pictures.

(Jan.12,2000) Y2K was not much of a problem but other causes have got things in a transitional stage, I finally got that wig 2 weeks after the ones i ordered giving up on its ever arriving. I've gone out a few times and there are some pictures, I hope to put some new pics up soon. For the new year ( the milenium is next year) i got a second set of holes in my ears.