1.   At dinner, guard your plate with your fork and steak knife. Announce loudly that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.

2.   Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.

3.   Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.

4.   Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.

5.   Repeat every third third word you say say.

6.   Report that your claim to fame was being voted "Most Festerous" in your high school yearbook.

7.   Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.

8.   Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.

9.   Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what s/he's talking about.

10.  Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.

11.  Order a bucket of lard.

12.  Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in elegant venues that use linen tablecloths.

13.  Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female.

14.  Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.

15.  Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about him/herself.

16.  Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme de Terre.

17.  When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.

18.  Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.

19.  Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full, and spray crumbs.

20.  Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.

21.  Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What in the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?"

22.  Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.

23.  Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.

24.  Ask your date how much money they have with them.

25.  Order for your date. Order something nasty. In most cases, liver and onions with brussel sprouts and buttermilk make an excellent choice.

26.  Communicate in mime the entire evening.

27.  Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.

28.  Lick your plate. Offer to lick your date's. Plate, that is.

29.  Hum. Loudly. In monotone.

30.  Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements, in fact anything on the table that isn't bolted down.

31.  Hold a debate. Take both sides.

32.  Undress your date visually. Better yet, do it verbally. Use a bullhorn.

33.  Auction your date off for silverware.

34.  Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.

35.  Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.

36.  Get your date drunk. Talk about his/her philosophy. Get it on tape. Use good judgment in editing to twist his/her words around.

37.  Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.

38.  Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.

39.  If your date is paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take exactly one bite.

40.  Bring 20 or so candles you, and during the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.

41.  Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother. Insist that this is a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.

42.  Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.

43.  Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a simliar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.

44.  Accuse your date of espionage.

45.  Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.

46.  Don't use any verbs during the entire meal. If you need inspiration, think "Kato Kaelin."

47.  Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to pay the bill.

48.  Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.

49.  Feed imaginary friends or toy dolls.

50.  Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.