If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and
       saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's
       life without even considering if there is a man on base.
       -- Dave Barry

       I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me
       was, "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking,
       'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want
       someone like you?'
       -- Larry Miller

       What do people mean when they say the computer went down on
     them?
       -- Marilyn Pittman

       When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone
       in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
       -- Robin Williams

       A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of herself and
       her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them
       to her dad.
       -- Christopher Case

       My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out
       in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they
       weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'
       -- Paula Poundstone

       A study in the Washington Post says that women have better
       verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of
       that study: Duh.
       -- Conan O'Brien

        Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in?
       I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
       -- Sue Murphy

       The statistics on sanity are that 1 out of every 4 Americans
       is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your
       3 best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.
       -- Rita Mae Brown

       Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
       violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a
       bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
       Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
       -- Jerry Seinfeld

       The Swiss have an interesting army Five hundred years without
       a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever
       see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with?
       Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers.
       'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back
       of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers
       right here.'
       -- Jerry Seinfeld

       Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway
       through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God... I could
       be eating a slow learner.
       -- Lynda Montgomery

       "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in
       New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty,
       but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'
       -- Richard Jeni

       In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up
       quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What
       is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?
       -- Warren Hutcherson

       Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him
       spit. That's why you should never date a baseball player.
       -- Marsha Warfield

       I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability
       to use language that makes him the dominant species on the
       planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing
      that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum
       cleaners.
       -- Jeff Stilson

       Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is
       an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
       -- George Carlin

       You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started
       walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and
       we don't know where the hell she is.
       -- Ellen DeGeneres

       I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I
       grew hair under my arms instead.
       -- Sue Kolinsky

       I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
       -- Carol Leifer

       The 2nd day of a diet is always easier than the 1st. By the
       2nd day you're off it.
       -- Jackie Gleason

       I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore
       helmets.
       -- Dave Edison

       Don't spend $2 to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation
       Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next
       morning buy it back for 75 cents.
       -- William Coronel

       Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
       -- Oscar Wilde

       Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member
       of Congress ... But I repeat myself.
       -- Mark Twain

       Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
       At least they can find Kuwait.
       -- A. Whitney Brown

       Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is
       just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through
       their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
      -- Jim Carrey