A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have fields that are at least twice as large." Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows." The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?" The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?" |
Ben and Tony were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Ben glanced over and noticed that Tony's penis was twisted like a corkscrew. "Wow," Ben said, "I've never seen one like that before." "Like what?" Tony said. "All twisted like a pig's tail," Ben said. "Well, what's yours like?" Tony said. "Straight, like normal," Ben said. "I though mine was normal until I saw yours," Tony said. Ben finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants. "What did you do that for?" Tony said. "Shaking off the excess drops," Ben said. "Like normal." "Yikes," Tony said. "And all these years I've been wringing it." |
A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million." The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years." The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it." Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!" |
A salesman rang the door bell and little Johnny answered. The salesman asked if his father was at home. Johnny said, "Yes." The salesman said, "Well, can i see him please?" Johnny snickered and said, "No, he is in the shower." Then the salesman asked if his mother eas at home. Johnny said, "Yes." The salesman said, "Well can I see her?" Johnny snickered again and said, "No, she's in the shower too." The salesman then asked, "Do you think they will be out soon?" Johnny laughed this time and said "No." The salesman asked, "Why?" "Well......", Johnny said, "when my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him some Super Glue." |
A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road. The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago." The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence and they made love like never before. Back in the car, the guy says, "Darling, you sure nver moved like that forty years ago - or any time since that I can remember!" The woman says, "Forty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!" |
