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romance |
| F i n d i n g s
o m e o n e r i g h t f o r y o u Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D. |
| You've heard it before, "Where
have all the good men gone?" or, "All the good ones are taken!" The way people talk, you would think
that mates were an extinct species. In this article I will be discussing the issue of mate selection in human beings
and ways in which you can increase your odds of finding a "compatible mate." You do not have to be alone; and there is more than one partner for you if you are willing to change your attitudes and put in a little effort. You must give up certain myths, time-honored beliefs, and begin to take charge of your romantic life. Romance is no different than any other aspect of your life. It requires that you take the responsibility for making it happen. Your perfect partner is not going to materialize out of thin air and appear in your living room. You must develop a plan of action and then act upon it. Many folks are very sincere about their desires to be involved with another person, but are not committed to making it happen. Sincerity is an attitude, while commitment is an action. Sincerity without action does not make anything happen. Let's take a critical look at some common myths about romance. Myth 1: Luck is the essence of romance. Luck has very little to do with romance, other than to maintain the illusion that we are helpless pawns in the game of love. Most folks engage in their search for a partner and then hope for the best. These people have no expectation of winning. Many people approach romance in the same way that they approach a gambling table in Las Vegas. They put their dollar on the crap table, roll the dice, and pray. Professional gamblers, however, do everything in their power to increase the odds in their favor. And serious people do everything in their power to increase their possibilities of meeting the person of their dreams. I am reminded of the story of a young man who regularly prays to God to win the lottery. Day after day, week after week he prays and prays and nothing happens. Then one day, in the middle of his prayers, he hears thunder and lightening and the voice of God booms down upon him. "Charlie, meet me half way, buy a ticket." People tend to pray, wish, hope, and dream about finding their ideal mate, but they seldom develop a strategy or plan of action. They spend more time and energy planning a dinner party than the most important human relationship of their lives. Myth 2: Marriages are made in heaven. This myth is similar to the first one in that it assumes that relationships are preordained, out of the hands of ordinary mortals. It assumes that we do not have any control over the mates we end up with and that we must settle for those that we find. Human beings make choices. Many of them are poor choices -- especially when it comes to mate selection. While this myth has romantic overtones, it denies human beings responsibility for their choices. It leaves us at the mercy of some fictitious master plan governing our lives and the freedom to choose is obviated. If, indeed, marriages were made in heaven, then God made a great many mistakes. Rather than attribute those mistakes to God, we should exercise our God-given right to choose and learn how to make more effective choices. God doesn't provide us with a mate--rather God provides us with the ability to choose. Myth 3: There is only one partner that is perfect for each of us. If this were the case, then it would not be possible for people to have happiness in a marriage after the death of a spouse. Clearly, since people do indeed find happiness in second and even third marriages, there is more than one potential mate available for each of us. Our job is to increase the probabilities of finding those potential partners. To find these potential mates we must develop a strategy. Just as there is more than one house we can fall in love with, there is more than one potential mate. If we increase the pool of available partners, we can then fall in love with any one of them. The trick is to set up our criteria, take appropriate actions, and then allow for nature to take its course. A friend decided that he wanted to marry a woman who was beautiful, had considerable financial backing, and was of the same religion as he. He only dated women after he checked their family's financial standing with Dunn and Bradstreet, who belonged to his church, and whom he found to be beautiful. By surrounding himself with rich, beautiful women of the same religion, he could then allow himself to fall in love with any one of them. What About Romance? Romance and love at first sight are integral to our fantasies about mate selection. We love to hear stories about how people fall in love. We love the notion of two people gazing across a crowded room, eyes meeting, and love is in bloom. More often than not these people are in lust, not love. But this is not to say it cannot happen. However, it is unlikely. More often love grows between two people who have a common connection. It is the common connection that binds us, love then blooms in the soil of mutual interest, mutual respect, and friendship. An intentional strategy for mate selection can increase the odds of this happening. Think, for example, of the process we go through in selecting our "dream house." First we develop an idea of what we are looking for: one story, Mediterranean style, four bedrooms, large yard, in a particular geographic area, near schools, etc. We establish a price range. We may even get quite specific, because, after all, we will be spending a lot of time and money in this house. We want to insure, as best possible, that we will be happy in it. (Yet when it comes to choosing a mate we will go to a bar and hope we get lucky.) Next we contact a real estate agent and tell the agent our requirements. We also drive around various neighborhoods on our own, read magazines and newspapers, make inquiries; in short we do our homework. Then the agent begins to show us around. Not infrequently we may spend many months and view many houses, sometimes hundreds of houses and even years, depending upon our particular preferences. All along the way we are collecting information and fine tuning our choices. Finally, one day, we step out of the agent's car and find ourselves standing in front of our dream house; it's love at first sight! And that's what we will tell people. We eliminate the fact that we spent many hours, months, years, looking, searching, and refining before the "dream house." A similar approach should be used for mate selection. Only with mate selection it is even more difficult since the mate has to choose you as well, whereas the house does not. Developing a plan Developing a plan increases your likelihood of success. We develop plans and strategies for everything in life we succeed at, careers, a dinner party or wedding, performing surgery, buying a new or used car, planning our estate, designing a house, decorating an apartment, or going on a vacation. You name it. If we are successful, we have made a plan. Yet, in spite of this knowledge, when it comes to romance we prefer to rely on chance. Then we wonder why the divorce rate is so high. If our businesses or dinner parties had as high a failure rate, we surely would begin to analyze why and try to do something about it. Well, the same is true for romance. Step One: What are you looking for? Most of the time when I ask people what they are looking for in a mate they say something like, "Someone attractive, intelligent, and sensitive with a good sense of humor." They try to give the impression that they are not asking for much. However, on closer investigation I usually find that the list is much more extensive. So, in this step make a complete list of what you are looking for in a mate. Include those characteristics that are important for everyday living on a long-term basis. We must distinguish between several categories of mate: roommate, playmate, friend, and permanent mate. Each of these has its own set of characteristics with some degree of overlap. Many people have not distinguished between the categories. Therefore they may be stating they want a permanent mate when, in reality, they are seeking a playmate. A permanent mate is some combination of roommate, friend, and playmate. Therefore, it might be wise for you to make up three lists of characteristics, one for each of these three types of mate. Once you have developed these lists, merge them. Some characteristics may be eliminated. Intelligence may, for example, be more important in a mate than a playmate; neatness is more important in a roommate than in a friend. Step Two: Take a personal inventory. Honesty is very important in this step. List all the characteristics that describe yourself. Pretend that you are describing yourself to someone else, what would you say? Once you have developed this list, ask three of your closest friends to develop a list describing you. Tell them to be brutally honest. Compare their list with your own. Then ask them to look at your list and tell you whether they agree with your self-assessment. (Now, if you chicken out at this point, how do you think you'll ever be honest enough to find someone truly matched to you?) If there is a discrepancy between how you see yourself and how your friends see you, then you have some work to do. Somehow you have to reconcile your self-perception with the perception of others. Step Three: Separate fantasy from reality. Most of us have images of ourselves that often are at odds with reality. We have an idea of who we would like to be and present the image to the world, rather than the reality. Sometimes we tell the story so often we tend to believe it ourselves. When it comes to relationships, we cannot present the person we would like to be as if it were the person we actually are. This would never fly in business; it is called false advertising. Truth in advertising is very important in developing a relationship. That's why the above exercise with friends is so important. If you can't be honest with your friends, or don't think anyone knows you enough to answer your questions, look around more carefully. Pick people who will not intentionally hurt you, and ask them to make up a list. We often deceive ourselves, as well as others. In this step you must assess what you say you want with the reality of who you are. Some people say they want an independent thinking, self-directed partner, who is successful at their own career. In reality they want a someone who will take care of them and be the Mom they never had. It is similar to the guy who goes to the horse riding stable and tells the person who rents horses he wants a frisky thoroughbred because he thinks of himself as a jockey. After he falls off a few times and has to walk back to the stable, he realizes he should have been with a gentle mare. Step Four: Increase your opportunities. Make a list of the type of activities you enjoy: biking, dancing, cooking, spiritual, self-help, yoga, art, horseback riding, etc. Begin to participate in those activities in an arena where both single men and women can be found. If you are interested in cooking, for example, find a cooking class that is likely to be attended by both men and women. By attending activities interest you, you are able to insure that you will have a good time, even if you do not meet someone who is of interest to you. Do not participate in activities where the end result determines whether you enjoy yourself. Do not waste your time going to places where the odds are stacked against you: meat (meet) markets, bars, dance clubs, large gatherings, etc., are not places to meet potential mates. Maximize your use of time. Step Five: It pays to advertise. Let all of your friends and relatives know you are seeking a mate. Make use of business associates. Everyone is a potential agent. Most people love the idea of helping someone find a mate. Tell them about yourself and specifically what you are looking for, so they can better represent you. Don't be bashful; be honest. Think of these people as you would a real estate agent. Tell them exactly what you are looking for so you can increase your likelihood of success. The more information they have, the better. Make use of dating services, but check them out first. Make sure they are reputable. Get references. Do the types of people you are looking for participate? If you have a flair for writing, use the personals column, but again do some homework. Check the credibility of the magazine and quality of the ads. Do the types of people you are looking for advertise in the column? If you think only losers use dating services or write personal ads--you're wrong. Lots of successful people who don't have time for "luck" use these services. Just make sure you pick high-quality services, and use your common sense about meeting someone who doesn't "feel" right. Talk to them anonymously over the phone for a while before agreeing to meet. Ask about their history--education, work/career, friendships, family, previous relationships, health, interests, etc. If any red flags come up, ask more questions. Listen carefully and see how they answer. If you don't get the right answers, tell them you'd like to think about them a bit more and will call back if you decide it might be right. Then, think about it. Give yourself some time. If they pressure you during any of this, cross them off the list. If you aren't entitled to this information before meeting, why meet? Early Imprinting The first relationship we observe is that of our parents. This forms a template deep in our unconscious that affects our choice in a mate. Our parents form a model of what relationships are like and what adult males and females are about. As such, these early imprints have a profound effect on our choices of mates and our expectations with respect to a relationship. If this early imprinting was positive, we are likely to have satisfying interpersonal relationships and a positive image of others. However, if it was negative, it may well have the opposite effect. Sometimes the effect was so negative, even though we may not be aware of it, it can severely interfere with our interpersonal satisfaction. Repeated destructive relationships, co-dependence, and generally unhealthy relationships may ensue. In these cases, professional intervention may be necessary before you can proceed with some of the steps indicated above. If in doubt, seek the help of a qualified professional trained in relationship skills. Help is available--ask for what you need. Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is a Clinical Psychologist, Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, and Sex Therapist. Dr. Dreyfus has been providing psychological services in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area for over 30 years. He offers individual psychotherapy to adolescents and adults, divorce mediation, couples counseling, group therapy, and career and vocational counseling and assessment. |