NEVER
Sleep With A Porcupine

VIRGINIA INTERLUDE

The sunlight sparkled and danced across the water. On the far shore smoke trickled up into the bright blue sky and dissolved into nothing. The light breeze that rippled the water whispered in the pines.

Walt sat at the end of the pier looking out across the water, squinting into the morning sun. Near the far shore a bright orange triangle skimmed along the surface, disappeared for an instant and then skimmed back up the river. The maneuver was repeated, again and again. With each pass in front of his eyes the triangle grew larger. Soon a small figure could be seen suspended on the water below the billowing orange sail. An arm waved and then the sailor's attention returned to controlling the tiller and the angle of the boom.

A bell rang out from behind Walt. He turned to see Julia with Kyle in her arms ringing the bell announcing to Walt and Nita that breakfast was ready. He stood and repeated a broad gesture indicating to the occupant of the sailboat that she should come in. A wave came back and on the next tact the sail appeared to have shrunk in width to a fourth of its prior size. The boat came racing in almost directly at him.

Helping Nita tug the oversize wind-surfing body shell onto the beach he told her how ravishing she looked, all wet from the spray and glowing with excitement. She let go the lines and the sail collapsed half on the sand, half in the boat.

"It's always so quiet and peaceful early in the morning before the tourist cruise boats and the water ski crowd take over," she beamed at him. "And, thank you, kind sir, for the compliment."

Hand in hand they walked across the beach and up the rise of manicured green to the house, their house, their new home.

They had married when Walt was 27. Kyle arrived 18 months later. She had been a junior editor at Greentree Publishing (NY) who, after one staff meeting with the representative from their new advertising agency, told her roommate, "I'm going to marry that man."

Without knowing he was doomed Walt spent enough time at Greentree's home office that meeting Anita was unavoidable. He was immediately attracted by her wit, humor, excellent taste in clothes, hard pounding work ethic and fantastic looks. Quickly he found out that she was as intelligent as any female he had ever known. Within a short time he was eagerly in pursuit, until she caught him. Only after they were married did he decide he was wrong. She was far more intelligent than anyone, male or female, he had ever known.

Last year with Walt now able to run the agency on his own using a light touch, tight reigns and and open mind, Manny had taken a long planned vacation. On the second day at the beautiful island resort, in the midst of a fantastic full body massage, he collapsed. The staff contacted Walt who was listed on their records as Manny's next of kin. They were most discrete and obviously willing to work with Walt to keep it a secret that Mr. Rosenbaum had died at one of the Caribbean's most famous gay pleasure palaces.

Walt saw the humor in the situation and informed them that contrary to most of their famous, or infamous, clientèle, Mr. Rosenbaum would not only want it known where he died but that any mystery they could impart to the facts of what Manny had been doing and with whom when he departed would be greatly appreciated. Manny had always said, "When I go I want to go out kicking, raising hell with the best two studs in the world."

There was no immediate family. Walt handled the details which Manny's will dictated, cremation with his ashes scattered at sea East of Fire Island. Walt was also named as the executor of Manny's estate and recipient of 60% of the ownership of the agency. The other 40% went, with a non-interference stipulation, to Manny's temple. Every other part of the estate was to be sold and the money sent as a gift to the State of Israel. It was a substantial gift.

In a personal letter to Walt that Manny had left with his will he was honest for once about his feelings. "You, dear boy, are the son none of my gay lovers could ever give me. I have loved you since the day we met. Love and sex, you know, are not synonymous. Yet, they are the most powerful force on the earth when joined. I hope that eventually you find that force in your life, as I never did."

Walt was astonished to see that both documents were dated nearly six years ago, on the second anniversary of his employment by Manny. He was even more astonished with the suggestion Nita presented soon after the funeral. He was spending the time needed to keep things boiling creatively at the agency, but otherwise moped around their Park Avenue apartment. Whether she just wanted to shake him out of his funk or honestly was wanting to explore their future, it had its impact.

"Why not sell this place and retire to Virginia?" she fired her opening round. "You own 60% of a private jet to keep in touch with your clients in San Francisco and Chicago. Why can't it also be used to keep in touch with New York? It would only be a semi-retirement. You will never be able to stop working, just like Manny. We both love Virginia. You know Colonial Williamsburg still has that marketing consultant position they want to fill." Her ammunition was perfect and so was her aim.

The final shot sent him reeling. "You also should consider becoming more involved in passing on what you know. Holding informal seminars at the agency and speaking once in a while at professional meetings and at Columbia isn't enough. There are strong marketing programs at both Old Dominion University in Richmond and at the University of Virginia. Both use guest lecturers. There's even more prestige in being selected a U of V guest lecturer than in most of the awards you have won."

The more they discussed it the more it appealed to them, even if it had been Nita's idea in the beginning. Before the year was out they were settled with a home outside Williamsburg on the York, a private beach cabin on the west shore of the Chesapeake Bay, two cars and a private hanger for the jet at the Newport New-Williamsburg airport.

They were just beginning to find all the fantastic eateries and other attractions that appealed to the locals vs those the heavy tourist traffic supported. He had been apprehensive about sailing and still was unsure when he went out on his own. Nita was a natural sailor and could be found on the water anytime she wasn't located elsewhere.

They had been luck with every piece of real estate and super luck in finding Julia. She had been on the staff at Colonial Williamsburg at various times as a cook and housekeeper working either at the Visitors' Center or in one of the lodging places found within the restored area. The day they advertised for household help, making it clear that care of a rambunctious three year old was part of the job, Julia had decided she would rather have a family to take care of than the mass of humanity that swarmed through Williamsburg's major tourist attraction.

The family from New York and the girl from the Hampton Roads hit it off right from the start. Kyle called her 'Yuely' and didn't leave her side except to nap or go 'nite-nite' the first week. Walt placed a lot of the responsibility for Kyle's fascination on the fact that Julia was the first black that his son had ever met on a personal basis. Nita pointed out that children of his age are quite color blind and the attraction was because Julia was a good person and one that let Kyle know she enjoyed his company. She was an adult but didn't either talk down to the young boy or expect him to be any more than he was, a precocious toddler.

Even now, when someone asked, it was hard to describe Julia's role in the family. She was nanny when Nita needed to escape or sneak off sailing and, depending on the situation, was also maid, cook, butler, handyman, chauffeur, nurse or rocking on the porch companion. It all depended upon the needs of the family at any specific time. It was also based on Julia's always quick and accurate evaluation of which of her three charges needed her attention the most at the moment.

The first full year of semi-retirement found Walt spending three, sometimes five days every week in New York supervising the activities of the agency. The operations manager that he and Manny had hired didn't work out and for a while Walt was afraid he'd never find a suitable applicant to replace her.

The position was open for three weeks. But in that time he realized that the perfect candidate was right at the agency. After that he started letting the senior staff handle more and more responsibilities on their own. He was still available to listen and give advise but did less and less solo decision making.

The Colonial Williamsburg consultant job was his for the taking. When he indicated his interest it was expanded to cover advising on general marketing strategy, plus public relations and advertising planning and execution for the entire complex that made up Colonial Williamsburg.

He was overjoyed to find that Nita had been correct about the opportunities for guest lecturing. He was also amazed to find he relished every aspect of this new activity. The challenge of designing lectures that fit properly with the curriculum of the university, working his practical experience into the warp and wove of academia, was exciting.

Meeting with disillusioned faculty and over enthusiastic students and trying to figure how to spark the one and calm down the other made ever campus visit and exciting, invigorating experience. The initial scope of lectures he was requested to define included series on words and music in advertising, creative writing and how to identify and address a target market. For each he worked in advance on campus to see what was actually needed and then presenting his outline.

Spending the same effort he had in designing award winning advertising campaigns for clients he found little resistance to his proposals. He also felt the same old joy of accomplishment and pride in acceptance he had when he was working at the agency vs running it.

"All in all," he told Nita, "you had the best damn idea and I thank God you are my wife."

With all the preparation completed, Walt's first series of lectures were added to the offerings at both universities' catalogs for the coming school year.

In May a wedding invitation arrived announcing the impending nuptials between Miss Miriam Jacobson and Mr. Matthew Rivers. Matt included a letter in the outer envelope.

Matt had graduated from the circulation department and was now the assistant sports editor. "I at least understand what the hell is happening even if half the time I can't spell the words right," he noted about his current job.

His description of the wedding didn't leave Walt feeling that Matt was really happy. It pointed out that the Rivers were now joining forces with the old line family which still owned the broadcasting empire which covered almost the same area as the papers owned by Matt's dad. He did mention that Walt should remember Miriam, she had been a sophomore their senior year.

"She was the chestnut brown petite soloist with the choir, remember? Miriam is still just as handsome with the same beautiful voice. If you don't remember her, I know you will take to her -- she's smart and doesn't giggle."

What a strange word to use, 'handsome', mused Walt. He smiled at the last sentence. Matt still remembered how he had avoided giggly girls.

After showing Nita the invitation and Matt's letter he explained his plan and picked up the phone. After a brief discussion with the local operator he was talking with the information operator back home. She quickly found the number he wanted.

Walter waited impatiently while the phone rang and rang. Finally it was picked up and although all he heard was the word 'Hello' Walt knew they had found the right party.

"Tony, it's Walt, Hands, you dumb ass," he hollered down the line in response to 'huh' and 'whozit?' from the other end.

Tony quickly wised up to whom he was talking and just as quickly started quizzing Walt on the who, what, when, where, why and how of life since Walt graduated from the university. Walt explained he didn't have the time to fill Tony in on all the details right then. He was planning to be home for Matt's wedding, he would chew Tony's ear off then. Right now he needed Tony's help in arranging the biggest, wildest bachelor party as a surprise for Matt.

"You find out what can be done, get back to me, cost is no problem. Just keep it under your hat that I'm involved or even planning to be there. Please. I don't want Matt to have any idea," instructed Walt.

"Can do, Hands. Say, if we really want to keep this a surprise why don't I plan two parties. One that all the locals will know about. There's no way some word won't get back to Matt. We'll keep the other just between us. After everyone shows up at party one I'll get them over to party two and you can jump out of the cake or whatever you want to do to shake the shit out of Matt." Tony obviously hadn't lost his joker's mentality.

"Tony, you are a friggin' genius. Keep me informed." Walt closed with instructions on how Tony could reach him, leaving the little kicker in awe -- home phone, car phone, plane phone, office phone.

It worked better than either of them had imagined it would. The second banquet hall and all related expenses had been prepaid by some advertising agency in the big Apple. No one knew what for, nor cared. It was paid for, why ask questions. The decorations might have given a smart thinker some ideas. But it didn't happen. The hall had been turned into a giant locker room. Nets held hundreds of balloons at the ceiling. The lockers were a little oversized -- an obvious requirement for hiding the twelve imported stripping cheerleaders. Those lockers that didn't hide a feminine surprise contained pull down tables, ice, drink mixes, a bountiful array of hard liquor, three kegs of beer and lots of chips and pretzels.

It was a fantastic success. Tony had Matt right at the door as he pulled it open, this triggered the blaring of the most off key loud rendition of the old school fight song that had ever been recorded. Then Tony hit the lights. There in the middle of the room stood Walt wearing his Touchdown Kings tee shirt, backed up by every available member of the championship team.

Matt lost his ability to move or speak. As the rest of the guests filed into the hall around him Walt walked up and handed him a shirt box, no paper, no ribbon.

"This gift you must open now, O Exalted One," he said softly. "And, I'm glad to see you, too."

Matt still had not uttered a sound. He almost dropped the box as Walt handed it to him. He opened it to find his matching tee. Tony had arranged for the Rivers' housekeeper to search for it and then sneak it out of the house.

"You know if we hadn't found that I'd have gotten mine duplicated. Now, come on, enjoy, this is your party." Walt led Matt into the room and sat him on the middle bench. Both their eyes were moist. Neither was going to reveal their feeling by actually bawling.

Tony put on the record supplied by the 'dancing girls' and the entertainment began. The first tour around the room the girls opened all the remaining lockers and pulled down the tables. The guests themselves seemed quite able to figure out what to do from that point on.

The rest of the evening was the normal blur of a well planned, well attended bachelor party with plenty of liquor mixed with a dozen professional strippers that knew they were being paid to entertain but not beyond a well defined line of propriety. That also had been stipulated in their prepaid contract for the evening.

Matt and Walt got into little conversation during the party. Matt got royally smashed. Walt stayed relatively sober to watch over Matt and, being honest with himself, to try and control or cover any slip he or Matt might make, as if there was something still there to worry about. He had nothing to be concerned about. Matt was his typical sleepy, silent drunken self. Walt and Tony got him home and to bed and then spent almost all night at Tony's catching up and bull shitting about the past.

In the morning Walt spent some time with Matt before the wedding. Matt tried to make a last minute change and have Walt stand in as his best man, instead of Miriam's brother. Walt talked him out of it, cautioning that you don't start a new relationship by making enemies with members of the bride's family.

The only intimacy that passed between them was right before Matt left to take his position at the alter. They were talking about their careers, with Matt noting that Walt had sure passed him by, possibly had even passed Mr. Rivers who was constantly complaining about the expenses of newspaper publishing. An usher, their former center, stuck his head in and told Matt everything was ready. With tears shimmering in his eyes Matt turned and gave Walt a bear hug that lasted just a heartbeat too long.

Kissing him on the cheek he whispered in Walt's ear, "Walt, baby, I've missed you. Please don't stay away so long the next time." He moved back holding Walt in front of him. "Friends?" That impish grin was on his face.

"Friends! Forever!" Walt replied and swiped at his eyes with the back of his hand.

The ceremony and reception whirled by Walt. Suddenly he was just part of a crowd in front of the church, watching the white El Dorado convertible roll down the street, around a corner and out of view.

- o o o -


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