The Bad Coming Out Episode

I was writing this last night when HE called. We had just broken up...I told him I was bisexual. We had spent several hours in the car coming back from one of the D.C. Airports and another hour or so together at his apartment. We went to pick-up the take-out we'd ordered. On the way back, we were talking about hickeys on my rugby team (that's another story) and he said, "But you haven't gotten any hickeys from girls..." and I said, "No, not yet." He said, "Yet?" And inside my head, I screamed, "Yet?! Why did I say that?" I had decided to tell him, but not that way or that time! But I explained when we got back to the apartment.

The hours that followed were not the best. He seems to fall for women who are gay or have mental problems or both. (He has an ex-girlfriend who figured out she was a lesbian, after a long relationship with him.) He said he didn't believe someone could be bisexual....that they were either heterosexual or homosexual, but not both. The more I think of the rest of it, the more it doesn't make sense to me. He said I obviously wasn't straight, since I'd been attracted to/liked/whatever other women. But he didn't see me as a lesbian. ARGH!! *scream of frustration* Where the HELL does that leave me?

But before I go off on a tangent....back to the story. He feared that I would end up thinking "What if...?" and that I would spend my time with him, wishing I could be with a woman. Finally, around 10pm or so, he said he was tired and wanted to go to bed. Originally, I was going to spend the night, but now I wasn't sure where our relationship was. I asked him if he wanted me to stay or go. About all he could do was (1) not answer or (2) when he did talk, it would be to say he was still very attracted to me. I said to him, "So you don't believe in bisexuality?" He said, "No." I said, "So you don't believe who I believe I am exists." He shook his head. So, I said, "Then I'd better leave." (Tears had been streaming down my eyes for awhile now.) I think we both wanted me to stay but I was NOT staying in a relationship like that. So I left...as soon as the door shut behind me, I sobbed.

Besides the obvious problem of having a break-up, I know that this will be just one of many break-ups. Guys were all going to be afraid that I was really a lesbian. Why is that we are all expected to be either like only those of the opposite gender or mostly like those of the same gender??!! I happen to be about 50/50. And I don't want to decide that I'm mostly for one gender or another...I truly don't judge people based on that. Have a nice personality and I'll like you.

So, I went back to my dorm room. I finally stopped crying and started writing this entry. About a half hour after I'd left, the phone rang. I knew it was him. The basic theme of the conversation was that he did have all this baggage and he just wanted a commitment from someone. His lesbian ex-girlfriend was not faithful and he feared that I would do the same. I told him that I also demanded a commitment from anyone I was in a relationship with. We wanted the same things. So, he finally asked me to come back over. I did...with the understanding that we would work on his baggage. So we shall see how things work out...