And the rivers floweth forth...

Twenty minutes ago, the deadline passed for submitting any and all work for the semester. I have still not passed in 23% of my Political Philosophy grade and 25% of my Congress grade. Once again, I've ended the semester, a fuck-up. I'm sorry for the cussing but that's what it amounts to. And it happens every semester. I don't get it! Why do I let myself do this? Do I not care enough? My therapist here said that I've never really suffered anything big from not turning in work. I beg to differ. I punish myself because I failed. I'm more disappointed in me than my parents and professors are. My own standards I can't live up to.

So why the title "And the rivers floweth forth"? Because today is only the third time I've cried since February when I finally broke down from the approaching colposcopy. I did cry briefly (about 5 minutes) before I became angry a week ago Monday when I was dumped by my first girlfriend. (A story of medium length that will be told at a later date.) And I cried when my biblical-Christian friend said I was evil because I was gay. (Read here for more on that happy story...) :-P But other than that, I've been stress free. Even as the deadline approached, I was okay. Then I gave one of my papers to Dr. Lockhart, and my eyes began tearing. I returned to my room and poof! the dam broke. I recovered but then it broke again. Then okay, then not and so on. I really just want to throw myself against a brick wall. I need some rugby right now. There is so much stress in me right now that I almost can't bear it. Don't worry, I won't get suicidal on you...I don't like pain enough to do that. I'll just stick to my eternal feelings of worthlessness and discontentment.