Safety in Cynicism?

Cynicism is definitely the way to live. It's the safest state of existance, I've found. Sure, it means I spend most of my days in a kind of malaise, but when the blows of life start raining, they hurt less.

Take tonight for instance...

I'm not crying. Don't get me wrong. I tried. I listened to the Braveheart soundtrack, the depressing Barenaked Ladies song, and even Sarah MacLachlan, but nothing. I did get really sad and despondent but no tears. I did get the tingly feeling where despair overwhelms you and you can't breath for a second. The tears are almost there and you think they're coming, but then nothing.

So what happened to alert me to the demise of my relationship?

I'm not entirely sure. And I don't even know if it's over. This is just my realism/cynicism kicking in.

The whole night was strange. No hello kiss (though that may have been my fault), in fact, no kissing at all. Wait, I take that back. He kissed my hand once and there was a goodnight kiss on my cheek. Other than that, it was an empty night. Usually, we kiss a lot. Stolen moments at red lights, sweet hello kisses where he holds my face ever so gently in his hands...

None of that tonight. He did put his arm around me once or twice, and near the end of the night, he did touch my back, so that's a big something. (My back is very sensitive and he knows that, so hopefully it was a "we're still more than just friends" touch.) Hey, don't laugh at me. I try to squelch my optimism, but it just keeps creeping through the chains. Allow me my brief moments of happiness.

So back to the questions of the date...I wonder if the competition got to us. Or the brief references to what happens at the end of August when I return to school. I have to call him when I get home from work tonight. We need to talk.

Oh, how ironic...as I finish writing my entry here on how cynicism is protecting me and how I'm not crying, my eyes just got wet. Tears are more than imminent now.

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