A Crossroads

I'm procrastinating right now. I really should be working on my senior papers and my senior projects, but I just can't deal with them anymore. I've definitely failed at least half my sociology senior seminar, if not both. So good-bye to that major. At least, I still have a politics major (my first love), but the imminently official loss of my second major has dealt me quite a blow. Most people can't tell because I've become very stoic and silent. I did most of my crying when I turned in my senior paper. I sobbed at 5pm when I realized it was over, that my attempts had all been for nothing. And I sobbed after I turned it in. I went straight to my friends in Wright Hall and when they saw me, they asked me what was wrong. Between the sobs, I mananged to tell them that I had turned in my senior paper, but it didn't have a lit review and the analysis was incomplete. There is no way on God's green earth that that paper was anything higher than a D and it's 60% of my grade.

The problem now is that not only am I worn out, but it all feels so hopeless, like only a miracle would save my ass now. So why waste my time? Why do any of the work? Part of me wants to, but so far it's been drowned out by the louder part of me that just wants to curl up into a fetal ball or ignore my sorrows by writing.

I feel so disappointed in myself. I don't care what my psychiatrists say about comparing myself to other people. Everyone else did fine, so why couldn't I?? Why? I love sociology. Okay, I'm not entirely fond of the scientific jargon involved, but I still love it. And now, it's all useless. I failed big time and there's no turning back. There are no more second chances.

More to come soon....