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WARNING!!!What follows is a very dark entry that I'm not sure everyone should read. I'm not asking you not to read it, I'm just suggesting that some of you might be better off without reading it. If you do read it, please know that this day, up until I went inside to the movies, was probably one of my worst. I don't often get this bad and these days, it's very rare for me to feel this way. So feel free to skip ahead to a happier entry... YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED... It occured to me tonight (well, technically last night) that I feel so estranged from my sweetie because I feel like she's keeping me at bay. She's let her school friends in, but not me. Even Jamison is closer to her than I am! And half the time, he sounds like a complete ass... These are the times when I feel that if we ended our relationship, it wouldn't really change a thing...just change the type of discomfort, change it to a discomfort that should at least ease over time. Also, my time with All Saints' is coming to an end. I was going to at least make it to Lessons & Carols so that I could bring her to the Choir Party. This was going to be my chance to show them who I am. Maybe they'd finally see me for something other than the fourth grader that they've always known me as. But she can't come because her friends at Salem are having an overnight party the night before. So there' s no point in me going to the L&C party 'cause I had no other reason to go, no other desire to go. Plus I probably won't be able to get that Sunday off anyway. So all these Thursday rehearsals will be for nothing. I think part of me is relieved to not have to go to choir practice anymore because I was always so tired and so depressed at choir. I couldn't seem to escape those heavy dark feelings. Blast! I can't remember the other thing I wanted to talk about. :-( Oh well. On another note, I started seeing a psychologist this week and it really helped. I just need to explain to her how my depression plays out in the suicide arena. I'm not suicidal in the strictest sense, but I'm certainly closer to it than ever before. I almost don't care enough to commit suicide or even hurt myself. That would take a level of emotion that I'm not really capable of or if not emotion, than energy. I truly would like nothing more than to lie still and do nothing at all, ever again. |
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