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I'm no fun around people anymore and I haven't been in a long time. I'm okay one on one, but in groups, I tend to drift off and get lost. And quite often when I get lost, I get sad. When I get sad, I want to cry. I did it last night at dinner with three friends. I've done it everytime I've gone out with them. (It's just that they don't notice because we're at a movie and the theatre's dark. And those are the times I always cry.) On the one hand, this is a rather depressing realization. On the other, it means it's not because of the people. Because I did it back in February when a different bunch of us drove around Woburn in the snow. I did it at Bickfords in January with some of those same people (though that night, it was very minor...only a moment or so, I believe.) I did it on a group trip into Boston to visit a friend. And as I recalled two entries ago, I did it in September or October with my girlfriend and her friends.
can you help me I'm bent I definitely feel broken. And you know, I'm actually somewhat relieved that a certain someone has been out of town for over the last week. Because I've felt so...off. I know she would have picked up on it and she would have asked me about it. I wouldn't have been able to hide it from her. She would have worried about me and I wouldn't have been able to even try and reassure her. Because I'm not entirely convinced that it's gonna get better or easier. The only reassurance I can give is what I gave her and another friend a few weeks ago. I will come talk to each of them before I do anything stupid. And for her, I will come find her in person. Plus now, I've got a third person, a friend from work, who told me to call him too.
I just want to feel safe in my own skin, |
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