Sinking Ship

Sometimes I just want to tell you to save yourself.

To get out while you still can.

And I've heard it said too many times
That you'd be better off

Sometimes I want to tell you that I'm just way too much of a mess and if you stick with me, I'm just gonna drag you down with me.

Besides...
Why can't you see this boat is sinking

I've only been home for a few hours now, but I'm coming down off that vacation high. Reality is re-intruding. But even if it didn't now, it would eventually. Or perhaps life would actually magically improve and everything would be fine for awhile. Maybe things would even be as amazing as they were this summer. But it wouldn't last. I'd get affected by something and get moody and you'd worry about me and I'd probably worry about me. It would never end. You'd be sucked in and never feel like you could leave my life. There would always be a sense of obligation.

Rereading this many hours later gives me two thoughts...

(1) I sound incredibly self-centered...which I don't mean to do. This is simply what I fear. Maybe it's just my committment phobic side, hoping to spare you the pain of loving me again.

(2) Perhaps this worrying is all for nothing. After all, I think I felt similar fears/doubts last week and then we talked when you got back from your trip and I forgot every bit of fear, every ounce of doubt. Just talking to you erased it all and made it all better.

I bet you wish there was some simple, definitive answer at the end of this entry. Something to tell you what to do, how to make it all better, or perhaps even how to escape it all. Or which path to choose.

Heck, I wish I knew the answer.

One last thing...as uncertain and unhappy as I made sound right now, I'm actually not feeling depressed. A bit melancholy, yes. A bit pessimistic, perhaps. But I'm not depressed.