Come What May...

I keep trying to be solid, to be strong, to be unbreakable.

And sometimes I'll actually do really well. I hold it together so well, that even you would envy my skill.

And you know what usually breaks me? Watching ER. Every Thursday it seems, I'll be watching it or watching my tape of it and chatting online with Rachel. She can attest to this...in the beginning, I'm strong and solid and am somewhere between not giving a rat's ass about all the extra complications in life and feeling too strong to be brought down. But by the end, I'm an emotional wreck. I can't hold it in and I can't hold it back.

Keeping this in mind, I just finished watching ER...the one where we see Mark Greene's last days, so I'm more emotionally raw than usual for a Thursday night/Friday morning. And being in this state of mind, I can't just keep it all in...I feel the incredible need to try and explain my actions/feelings/etc. from the last few days. I'm sure I'll regret this, but in five hours or so, it'll be too late, 'cause I'll be on the road and unable to do anything about it for eleven hours.

So what to talk about? I guess the first thing is that I feel like I need to stop reading everyone's journal entries. I've already stopped reading the girl's journal...they were alternately too frustrating and too aggravating. I originally read them in hopes of understanding her and then in hopes of knowing what was going on with you and your life. But I stopped. They didn't help me understand her in a good way and they didn't help me know what was going on with you. So I deleted her journal out of my bookmarks file and took her off my buddy list. (I also keep turning on nifty privacy features in AIM so she can't see me online, but more importantly, I can't see her. I can't confuse myself with trying to understand the reasonings behind her profiles and away messages.)

Now I'm wondering if I should stop reading your journals too. 'Cause while I read them so that I can see what's going on with your life, with you, I don't have a friggin' clue what they mean these days. I've always had trouble figuring a lot of them out...and some of them, figuring out if you were talking about me in them. (My favorite one is the one I know is about me 'cause it has part of our AIM conversation in it.) Jake warned me the other day that certain ones (though he didn't say which ones) were definitely not to me, but I still don't know exactly which ones he was referring to. So I started thinking today that I should either a) assume that none of them ever refer to me or b) not read them anymore. (Just so you know, I haven't decided on either of the choices yet.)

Shit. I had more stuff to talk about, but it's taken me so long to write this, that my emotional well has dried up for now. Though I am nearing the end of one of the most poignant episodes of "Angel"..."I Will Remember You"...which makes me bawl every time I see it, so perhaps in about five minutes, I'll be ready to reveal my personal feelings again.

Angel: "I couldn't tell you. I wasn't sure - if I could do it if I woke up with you one more morning."
Buffy: "I understand. - So, what happens now?"
Angel: "The Oracles are giving us back the day, turning back time, so I can kill Mohra before his blood makes me mortal."
Buffy: "When?"
Angel: "Another minute."
Buffy: "A minute? No. No, it's not enough time!"
Angel: "We don't have a choice. It's done."
Buffy: "How am I supposed to go on with my life knowing what we had? What we could have had?"
Angel: "You won't. No one will know but me."
Buffy: "Everything we did."
Angel: "It never happened."
Buffy: "It did. It did. I know it did! I felt your heart beat."
Angel: "Buffy.."
Buffy: "No! Oh God. It's not enough time."
Angel: "Shh, please. Please. Please, please."
Buffy: "No. I'll never forget. I'll never forget. I'll never forget. I'll never forget."
--Angel, "I Will Remember You"

Until then, I'll move on to general thoughts...

I haven't been sleeping well over the last few nights. I keep having nightmares. Nightmares about getting in a car crash. I've dreamed about every possibility and I gotta say that it scares me to death (forgive the choice of words here). Part of me wants to call you from the road a few times just to reassure myself that I'm okay. I had similar feelings when I went to Florida. I wanted to call you in large part to reassure myself that I was okay. Don't ask me to explain that logic 'cause it's now 3:04am and my brain is definitely not working anymore.

Speaking of which, I'm too tired to write about the other stuff that was on my mind today. Oh well, I got it out into my secret journal this afternoon before heading to work. Maybe I'll copy that and let you read it at some point.

What I will say is that I love you. I just don't know what to do or how to act most of the time. I feel like I should be acting all independent and acting like I'm over you. I have this fear that I'm gonna end up as the fool...that I'm gonna still be busy loving you while you won't be loving me back and more importantly, not wanting to love me back. And I'm trying to keep that from happening. I actually told Matt last week when we went to pick up my tux that I need to start dating. Nothing serious. In his words, I'm gonna be a serial dater. :-) He's even got someone for me to meet. Regardless of what happens with you and me, I think this will be good for me...it'll allow me to make friends, to meet other people like me, and not just guys. (No offense to them of course, but it's not quite the same thing all the time.)

So anyway, in these moments when I'm suspiciously silent, it's because I don't know what to say, how to respond. Damn it...I lost my brain path again. I don't know...maybe I just want to say at these times, "But I love you...I think you're amazing. Doesn't that count for anything?"

Now that I'm about to post this vague entry, I'm exhausted. I've got to get a few hours of sleep before I get on the road. Hopefully, I won't have any bad dreams this time.

Just remember...I love you.

And there's no mountain too high
No river too wide
Sing out this song
I'll be there by your side
Storm clouds may gather
And stars may collide
But I love you until
The end of time...