False Impressions

So many first impressions aren't based on the truth.

That's not to say that they're based on lies...simply that we try so hard to be what someone else wants us to be, or rather what we think they want us to be. And I feel that it's dishonest. What brought this on? I have a date of sorts tomorrow night after work...my first real date in a long, long time. And since I'm heading to Worcester right after work, I need to get ready tonight and tomorrow morning. So I was cleaning the very chipped and bright nail polish off my toes and moisturizing my hands (it's amazing how chapped and broken dollar bills can make your skin). And then instead of putting the bright pink/red polish on my toes, I used a subtle, light pink. I used a similar shade for my finger nails.

I feel dishonest doing this. I mean, I'm trying to give this girl the impression that I'm together and normal, when I'm far from it. Really if she wants to get to know me, she should get to know the real me...the girl who loves to put bright pink/red nail polish on her toes and wear sandals, but forgets to maintain it so it's usually chipped...really chipped. My skin's always dry and sandpapery 'cause I don't remember to moisturize until it's so cracked that it bleeds and needs neosporin (a permanent fixture in my purse in the winter).

I do wonder what's bothering me more right now. Am I afraid that she'll like the image I put forth and be disappointed in the real me? Or that I won't let her see the real me (which is usually what happens) and she'll like the fake persona I put on, forcing me to stay in that uncomfortable role. I just don't know...all I know is that I'm starting to dread tomorrow night...for so many reasons that it's not even funny. Heck, talking about dating is bad enough. Like I was telling Rachel tonight, just talking about dating is enough to make me cry most of the time (luckily it's always been too dark to see the welling tears or it's been talked about over AIM so that no one can see my reaction), or it's gets me so frustrated that I want to storm off or it's gets me so agitated that I can't sit still. And that's just talking about it. That's not the actual dating part itself.

I am not looking forward to this...too many variables with bad options all around.