At the Crossroads

Tuesday, September 24, 2002 (5:12pm)

I've been thinking a lot lately...mostly about love and life. The last two weeks has been more tumultuous than the last two months, and I've had such a hard time putting my emotions into words, into sentences that make any sense, let alone explain them to others. But I feel like I'm living a tv episode where I'm about to reach a crossroads, where the viewer and/or the character realizes something about her(self). Mind you, I'm not entirely sure what this crossroads is about. And maybe I'll revert back in the next episode so that only the avid watchers will recall my deeper side. If this were the Buffyverse, fan fic writers would write stories revolving around this deeper side coming to the surface again or about my life had it never happened. (Forgive me for going on about this, but it's taken me so long to get back to this entry that I've already watched the season premiere of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and so I've definitely got Buffy on the brain--more so than usual, that is.)

Anyhow, I digress. But I don't know how to set this up anyway. Okay, Monday night, I worked the closing shift at work and this was the first time I had to tell one of my friends at work about my recent break-up. He asked how it happened and I was kind of stumped...which in and of itself stumped me. After all, I can relate the tale of events of that whole weekend but what led up to the break-up seems almost unrelated because I knew it was imminent. I've also tried to write an entry about what happened but I had the same problem as I did the other night. It was like I was writing about Shakespeare in order to explain Physics. It just didn't seem to connect properly.

So what really prompted the break-up? Well, the Thursday night before, I was watching ER and packing my overnight bag because I was going to spend Friday night at her apartment. And in the midst of doing this, I started to cry. I realized I was packing this bag all the while dreading the need for it. I felt so closed up inside, so withdrawn from everyone, and that was the moment that I realized I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't be a girlfriend anymore...it just wasn't right. I really enjoyed spending time with her, but being girlfriends was too much. It required more than I could give of myself. And while I think I'd known that inside for a little while, this was the first moment that I knew it had nothing to do with anyone else. For too long, I'd been determined to make it work, because if I couldn't, I was afraid it would be because I wasn't giving it a chance, that I was holding on to the past still. But on Thursday night, I knew that these were totally separate issues. (I hope that makes sense. It's the most concise version I've managed to come up with.)

I've said for months that bandaids were precariously placed on my heart, thinking that I started out whole and was left broken. But today it occured to me (and I've had traces of this thought brush my brain before, but not as strongly) that it didn't go in that order. I mean, yes, at one point many years ago, my heart was whole. But it broke years ago. In fact, if I had to pinpoint them, the final straws were probably Lee and Chris. Because after that, things were different. I just didn't have the same kind of energy and trust inside. So when things didn't work out with Liz at school, I wasn't so torn up. The same goes for Stefano and Taryn. When things started to go downhill, I'd be regretful and worry and I probably even cried a little. But I got over it all very quickly. And for those of you who remember my crushes in high school that lasted for months and months and in one or two cases, even longer than that, you all can see the difference.

I can't even get the blues no more
I try to worry like I did before
And nothing happens when I walk the floor
So what am I supposed to do
I toss and turn but then I fall asleep
I'm going under but it's not too deep
You want to hurt me but it's just no use
I can't even get the blues

The point of all this is that I was already broken by the time I graduated from college. So falling in love last year...it was healing in a sense. I remember the analogy of a rose blossoming, but I think I was more like a sick rose being nurtured back to health. And it's funny because while I was in Walmart today looking for my Maxell 8 hour high grade video tapes, I had the stereos behind me and a Tim McGraw song came on. It's a song I actually wandered across in June and had never heard before then. It fits the situations so perfectly and it's such a beautiful song.

How I ever lived and breathed before you loved me, I don't recall
If I walked around at all, it was in bits and pieces
Of a jagged heart
You kissed me and every piece went back in place, every pain got erased
You held me up to the light

No one ever left me out in the rain
Cold words still remain unspoken
And I never got lost, spent years in the dark
You're here, now my heart's unbroken
When I see your smile fill my soul again
I'm unbroken

So to hear these lyrics (and with such good sound quality, by the way) while I was thinking about all of this...it really struck me. I had to write as soon as I got home so I wouldn't forget all this. I lit my brand new Yankee Candle...which by the way, I'm beyond thrilled that not only do they have "Fresh Lilac" which is nice, but now they have "Lilac Blossoms" which is amazing...and in honor of the candle, I found this nifty background which kind of looks like lilac blossoms...sort of...kind of...well, if you're far away. :-) But I'm getting way off track again...back to the gardening analogies. I think the analogy of a sick rose is more accurate. I was healed, I learned how to love or at least I started to. I don't want to pretend that I figured everything out or was perfect, because I definitely still had many things to learn. But I was making progress.

And then...I don't know. I don't know how to explain what happened in a few short phrases. But in the end, I reverted back, I guess. In my mind, I see a empty garden, where there are no nutrients left in the soil, so there's nothing to keep that rose healthy. So without the nutrients, it goes back to the way it used to be. I hope I'm not sounding like a victim, because the first few times I tried to write this paragraph, that's how it came across, even to me. I don't know how better to explain it. Maybe if the rose could change from your average rose to a sterling rose and then back again. (And I know two of you reading this who should understand the cinematic reference.)

As for my crossroads, I don't know what exactly these realizations will do. Well, we've seen the result of that Thursday night revelation, but as for the rest of it, I don't know. (This lack of conclusion is probably more due to exhaustion at this point since it's now 6:06am on Friday.) We shall see...

Angel: "You're at a crossroads, I know. It's either go for the easy fix and wait for the consequences, or take the hard road and go with faith...In yourself. That kind of faith."
--"In The Dark"

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