What a Week This Has Been...

Saturday, November 30, 2002

(Note: Technically, I'm writing this at 12:40am Sunday morning, but it's easier to pretend it's still Saturday since it feels like Saturday still.)

What a week. And I've got so much that I want to say, but I can't put it here. So let me stick to the safe things.

First of all, none of us really need anyone else. We can all survive on our own. But that doesn't mean our lives aren't better off with those individuals around. In fact, it means that our lives can be so much sweeter with those people in them.

(Please note, that for this following section, it's been pointed out to me that it comes out somewhat "bitterish" and I want to stress that that's not how it is meant to sound. Also if you have any questions about this part, feel free to talk to Rachel and she'll try to better explain what I was trying to convey.) :-*

Secondly, in regards to your silent visits, I started to feel bad that I hadn't noticed you there, but then I thought of all the times that I've hoped you'd show up and you didn't. I thought of all the days when I thought sadly, "Oh, I guess the talk of regular lunch visits was just that--talk. I thought things were gonna change...I thought we'd actually get to do that friend thing. I guess I was wrong." And anyone who knows me, knows how focused I get. So clearly, you're getting more enjoyment from hanging out, watching me, than you think you would talking to me. Or maybe it's some kind of test. Hell, maybe it's some kind of test I'm failing. Who knows? And who cares? Believe me, I don't say this to guilt trip you. (I didn't even mean it as a guilt trip when I was originally writing this in my private paper journal...where trust me, if it was gonna be a guilt trip anywhere, that's where it would be. And it wasn't there.) But anyway, I say all this not to guilt trip you and not in the cynical sense of not caring, but to reaffirm to myself that I am who I am. And either the ones I love can accept that and love me for it. Or they can't and it's their loss. 'Cause I can't and I won't change anymore for someone else. Especially not on the very off chance that it will affect anything. I've tried to change who I am or suppress who I am for people before and it's been disastrous. So yeah, this is who I am. I go from incredibly distracted to hyper-focused and I always have and I always will. (Medication just keeps me in the hyper-focused state longer.) And honestly, I'd like to get to see you when you come to visit, but I don't pay attention to most of the customers unless they approach me or they shoot a confused look in my direction. And yet, I'm not gonna give you crap for just being there and not letting me know. Because that's your decision and whatever your reasons are, that's who you are. And you know what? I'm gonna love you anyway.

There's actually a quote that keeps coming to mind but I can't remember it exacty. It's something about the people who love you and how they love you not in spite of your flaws, but despite them, or vice versa. I don't remember. I did find two other quotes that sort of work. I just want to stress that I want you to love me for who I am. I want you to understand that I'm not ignoring you or not noticing you on purpose.

"Being loved anyway is not being regarded as perfect but being accepted as imperfect."
--Ellen Goodman

"We love those who know the worst of us and don't turn their faces away."
--Walker Percy

Anyway, back to my week...I had a quasi-date this week. A quasi-date that I initiated. A quasi-date with a guy. And it was fun. I don't know if it's going anywhere...but that doesn't matter. 'Cause I had a good time all week when I saw my friends. I've spent way too much money on movies this week. But it was worth it...everything from Die Another Day to Treasure Planet. (Albeit, I cried a lot last week in preparation for this past Sunday. And I cried a lot Thanksgiving night after the movie because of my financial situations...poor Rachel had to deal with me. Oh yeah, and I was sick, but overall, things worked out I think. In any case, I'm in a good mood now and that's what counts.)

Life is good.

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