Silly Anxieties

Thursday, February 6, 2003 (10:42pm)

Disclaimer: I was thinking all this stuff this morning as I was in the shower but it's now 12+ hours later and I'm tired, so it may not work well. :-)

Okay, so Valentine's Day...it needs to be pushed back. It's the kind of special day that should be experienced by two people who've been dating at least for a couple of months, not just days or weeks. I mean, this is a day when people usually tend to talk long-term. Or they make big romantic plans for the day/night. For instance, we (me and that "special person in my life"--thanks Rach for the suggestion of terminology) were watching sitcoms last night during dinner and they all were focused on Valentine's Day. In one of them, the guy painted a mural (sort of) for his wife (only his date at the time) to show her how he felt. And as I watched this, I thought of how women traditionally want or expect a big show of romance on this day. But I don't. I just want to spend time with that special person and lie in her arms. That's all I really need or want. I wouldn't mind something more, but I just want to spend time with her.

'Cause I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside your door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be

But I didn't know how to say that. And I started worrying that she would think I expected so much more (a mural perhaps). Or if I tried to say anything, it would come out wrong and she'd think I didn't want to spend any time with her at all on Valentine's Day. And then of course, my slight discomfort went to the back of my brain and I guess it never went away, though I didn't even notice it was still affecting me. (Rach and I discussed this...that you can be bothered by something and not even realize it but that certain someone in your life can see it clear as day.)

I don't know what else to say, except that I guess I should have at least tried to communicate yesterday instead of just suppressing my thoughts. :-) Life and love are learning experiences.

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