Change is Contagious

Monday, June 21, 2004 (12:33am)

So people have been giving me a hard time (albeit good natured) about not updating my web journal in awhile (okay, almost a year) and I am finally acting on my urge to do that. I don't know how much I'll get done though. But here goes...I don't even know what order to tell things in...my whole life has been in such turmoil the last couple of months...and when there hasn't been turmoil, the lack of change has been the hard part.

So I'm still working at the book store and still as the Lead Bookseller for Zone 1 (Cookbooks, Sports, Self Improvement, Health, Psychology and Medicine). I'd like to be promoted to Department Manager...I think. I mean, if I'm staying at the store, I can't be a lead forever. As it is, I've been in the same position for about 9 months which is almost as long as I was a head cashier and by Lead standards, that's a long time. However, I don't want to stay at the store forever. I don't want to keep being in retail. But I don't know what I want to do job-wise and the job market isn't that good.

Plus I want to go to grad school but I have to go through application processes and test-taking. I've at least sort of figured out this part, insofar as I really like the Master of Business Administration (M.B.A.) in Mission-Driven Management program at the Heller School at Brandeis University. It combines the growing interest in business that my time at the store has created (yes, I actually enjoy writing my monthly sales reports) with my desire to save the world. And part of the application process is taking the GMAT. So I've bought the Princeton Review's Cracking the GMAT book. I haven't actually opened it yet or scheduled a time to take the test yet, but I bought the book. It's a step.

Life at home has become rather rocky. Mom and I just aren't getting along...pretty much at all. When we do get along, it's only because we don't see each other. A friend from work, Kelly, has a 3rd room in the house she just moved in to. (Her friend Meg already lived there.) Financially, it actually seems feasible. But it's a really small bedroom. And it's further from work. My desire to change my living situation changes almost daily. I just don't know what to do about it.

And finally, the love life...well, I'm totally single again. Jamie and I had a long talk two weeks ago after maybe a month of *lots* of thought. And we've decided to be just friends. And for the most part, I think it was the right decision. It doesn't mean I'm not sad. It doesn't mean I'm not disappointed. But I'm not surprised either. And honestly, there have been a few times over the last year and a half where I thought that maybe the best thing for us would be to just be friends, to do that before anything went so wrong that we couldn't even be that. But I never had the guts to do more than think about it. I just couldn't let go. So part of the reason I'm doing mostly okay with all this is that I think she had the courage to do what I don't know if I could have done before it was too late. And this time, I saw it coming, so I'd been preparing myself for the last month. There's more that I'm trying to say but it's not coming out right.

Also, while there are things I will miss, there's a lot that won't go away. I know that we're actually going to be able to be friends...in a way that we didn't have last time. I mean, after we broke up the first time, I wanted more than anything to get back together. I don't know if "just friends" was good enough that time. But since this time, we do have that friendship, I know I'll still get to see her and hang out with her and come over for dinner and hang out with her family. We still chat on the phone a lot. And like I said, there are things I will miss...the trip back to NYC of course, but more importantly, the "I love you's" mouthed silently across a table or a room, the random kisses at stoplights, the random roses, the random voice mail messages from her saying that she just called cause we haven't gotten to talk in awhile and she misses me and she loves me. Okay, I can't think about the stuff I'm gonna miss anymore cause it's upsetting me. I need to keep focusing on the stuff that's not going away. I just don't want anyone to think that I'm cold-hearted and don't care but on the other hand, I don't want anyone to worry about me. 'Cause I'm fine. Life takes sucky turns on occasion and you gotta roll with it and use the changes as opportunities. I just hope that I can find this with someone else someday. I mean, logically, I know there's someone else out there that will make me feel the things she made me feel, but there's definitely a little part that fears never knowing these feelings again...

Oh and this would only happen to me...but within a week of the talk with Jamie, I found out that Tara, the other girl I was casually dating is 99.9% sure she's getting a job in Florida and moving there. So like I said, I'm extra single now. I'm not too upset cause that was part of my life that I needed to change. My heart just wasn't in it anymore...yes, it was a casual thing, but you get the idea.

I know there was more change in my life I wanted to discuss but other than me also wanting to change the colors and design of my website, I can't remember what they were. (The lack of background color on this one page is deliberate.) It's really late now and it's been a long weekend. I closed Friday night, woke up after 2-3 hours of sleep and drove 2 1/2 hours north to Crawford Notch in the White Mountains, hiked Mt. Eisenhower, strained the groin muscle in my left leg so badly that I could barely make it up the stairs and then I really had a hard time lifting that leg up onto my bed. I mean, I couldn't even drag my leg up like I normally might. The thought of it being easier to sleep on the floor definitely crossed my mind. And then trying to lift my leg and turn over so I could get the heating pad in the right place...OUCH!!!!!!! And that's after driving back the 2 1/2 hours at 10pm. (Today I'm doing better. Right now, it's just a little sore, thanks to Advil and many many hours spent with the heating pad.) I definitely need to go to bed now. Hopefully I'll keep writing in this journal on a semi-regular basis.

Last Entry

Archive

Next Entry