Learning About Love: Book 1

Version: 2003/05/26
The latest revision can be found at: http://geocities.datacellar.net/brian618033989 or http://www.brian618.dynu.com

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This fictional story contains explicit descriptions of sexual acts between the characters in it. Unsafe sex practices are depicted, because it is set in a time before the killer STD AIDS; always use a condom. Any resemblance to real persons is purely coincidental. This story may only be electronically copied to free sites.

Table of Contents

• Chapter 1
• Chapter 2
• Chapter 3
• Chapter 4
• Chapter 5
• Chapter 6

Chapter 1

Chapter 2 Teaser

Chapter 2

      After school, when I got home, I told Mom that Dave was coming over around four o'clock. She looked pleased.
      I had about half an hour to wait. I turned on the TV and flipped through the channels. Nothing interested me, so I turned it off. I went to the stereo and flipped through the records. Nothing interested me there either. I grabbed a magazine on the coffee table and sat down, and sat down flipping through it. Then I glanced up and sat that Mom was just sitting at the dining room table watching me. I tried to ignore her, but I couldn't concentrate on the magazine either, so I got up and went to the bathroom. I might as well make sure I'm empty. We might have some time alone. Sex sure is messy. We needed a towel to cleanup, the cum, the vasoline, and maybe some poop, yuck. It's really kind of embarrassing, even just thinking about the perpetration before and the cleanup afterwards. But the middle part makes it worth it. I wonder if sex is messy with girls too? Hmm, I'm not grossed out that pee comes out of my penis, so I guess I shouldn't be grossed out by what comes out the other end.
      I wonder how Dave and I can be alone. Maybe I can use the excuse of showing him one of my hobbies to get him in my room. I finished in the bathroom and went back to my chair to read the magazine. I wasn't fidgeting now.
       
      <knock> <knock>. There he is. I leaped up to get the door. When I opened it, there he was smiling.
      "Hi Dave."
      "Hi Ben."
      "Come on in. Did you have trouble finding our house?"
      "Nope. It was easy."
      Mom came into the room.
      "Hi you must be Dave." She walked up to him an shook his hand. "It's good to meet you."
      "Nice to meet you too Mrs. Carter."
      "Would you two like a snack?" she asked.
      "Sure," we both said at the same time.
      We followed her into the kitchen. She had a plate full of cookies. "Would you like something to drink Dave? We have milk, orange juice, and some coke."
      "I would like some milk," Dave said.
      "Me too," I said. I grabbed the plate of cookies off of the counter and carried them to the dining room table and we sat down.
      Mom brought our milks over to us. "So Dave, what do your parents do?" she asked.
      Uh oh, quiz time.
      "My Mom is a nurse at Mercy and my Dad is an airline pilot."
      "Really," I piped in, "I didn't know that.
      Mom glanced at me.
      "I don't see my Dad much, because my parents are divorced and I live with my Mom."
      "Do you have any hobbies?" she asked.
      "Only music. I like playing the trumpet."
      "Wow, I didn't know that. How long have you been playing?" I asked.
      "Oh about five years. I practice with the orchestra during most of the lunch period."
      "Ah, that's were you go during lunch," I said. Mom is looking at me with a kind of funny surprised look. What have I said? I couldn't think of any reason why she's looking at me. Dave drank some milk.
      "So what do you want to do Ben?" Dave asked after he put down his glass.
      "Oh, I can show you my models. I'm putting together a Klingon battle cruiser. We can play with my hamster too. But he mostly just tries to get away.
      "That would be neat. I didn't know you had a hamster. I've never held one before."
      "OK, you two have fun. I've got to finish the dishes and get dinner going," Mom said. "Would you like to stay for dinner Dave?"
      "No thanks. My Mom's already made my dinner for when I get home," he answered.
      "She's not home?" Mom asked.
      Oh no, Dave, Dave, please don't say too much!
      "Not tonight. She works the swing shift tonight."
      "Does she work that shift often?"
      I coughed so Dave would look at me. When he did, I gave a small shake of my head at him. Mom was still looking at him.
      "Actually she works the grave-yard shift a lot, so I don't see her in the morning then," he replied. Whew! He understood!
      "Must get kind of lonely," she said.
      "Yeah, sometimes," he replied.
      She nodded sympathetically at him. "Well back to work for me." She turned and went back to the Kitchen.
      "Ready to go?" I asked Dave.
      "Sure."
      "Grab another cookie if you want," I said as I grabbed one. It's not often that I get cookies before dinner. I lead the way out the front door and across the breeze-way to my room in the garage.
      "Wow, your room is out here!" Dave said.
      "Yup. Here's the door to the garage." I opened up the door from my room that lead into the garage.
      "It's kind of private, expect during the day when my Mom, Dad, or my sister cut through my room to get to the garage." I closed the garage door and walked over to my desk.
      "Well, here's what I've been working on." I said, as I showed him the Klingon battle cruiser.
      "I used a dentist drill to make tiny holes for most of the windows. The hard part was positioning the flashlight bulb and batteries."
      "Wow, that's cool!" Dave said.
      I felt his warm body next to me, so I flat-out asked, "So, would you like to play around again?"
      "Sure! But do we have enough time?"
      "We have at least an hour," I said.
      "What if someone wants to get into the garage?"
      "That's usually on the weekends. My Mom's the only one home now, and she said she was going to be busy," I replied. I was trying to convince myself too that we could do it.
      "Do you want to do what we did yesterday?" he asked.
      Oh do I! It seems like that's all I've been thinking about. "Sure we can do that," I said. Strange that I can't tell him how bad I want him. I went over to the door and locked it. Dave was getting undressed. He had his shirt unbuttoned and his shoes off. I reached into the back of the closet and got the towel and jar of vasoline, that I had hidden there when I got home.
      "Do you have any magazines?" Dave asked.
      "Sorry. No. Do you really need one?"
      "No this is much more exciting," he said. He was taking off his pants. I had better hurry to catch up. He took his underware off and sat on the edge of the bed to watch me finish undressing. His dick was not completely hard. I faced him when I took my pants off. When I bent over, to step out of the last leg, I reached forward to hold his dick, while I leaned down more to take it in my mouth. He got completely hard almost right away.
      "Wow, that feels good."
      I stopped and took off my socks and underware.
      "OK, let's pull the covers down." Dave got up while I pulled the covers down.
      "Brrr, it's chilly in here. Maybe we'll pull them over us when we get in," I said. I climbed onto my bed and laid face down, but a little on my side. I looked at Dave. He was looking around.
      "Where's the vasoline?" he asked.
      "Oh it must be under the covers. Find the towel too."
      "Got it."
      "Do you want to start like last time?" he asked.
      "If you want to, but I like it with you laying on me."
      "Fine with me," he said. He opened the jar and spread it over his boner. I was nervous. Got to relax. Remember how good it will feel. I took a glob of vasoline and spread it around my crack. Dave got between my legs, kneeling over my back.
      "Ready?"
      "Yes, just go slow at the start."
      "OK"
      I felt the head of his cock move between my cheeks. I moved my left leg up some more, so he would have easier access. He reached down to guide his cock. He moved it up and down.
      "Tell me when I'm on the spot. I can't seem to feel the entrance."
      "Oh, it's up a little. That's it."
      "Ah, now I know what to feel for." I felt him push forward right on my ass-hole. I pushed out to relax. His cock started to slide in, so I tried pushing out hard to see if that would prevent the pain. He popped in.
      "Ouch," I said. "Just stay still a moment." I tilted up my hips to change the angle some. It started to feel better. Then I noticed my ass muscles relaxing sort of by themselves.
      "OK, try going in some more," I said. He let go of his cock and pushed in. "Mmm that feels good." It doesn't hurt. I think he is all the way in now. He laid down on my back and started some slow humping motions.
      "Ah, your cock feels so good in me."
      "Your ass feels so hot." he moved faster.
      There's a hint of the feeling from yesterday. I pushed back at him, hoping he would hump me faster. He did. I tried to concentrate on all the different feelings. The feel of his cock rubbing in and out of my ass. The feel of his chest on my back, his weight on me, and his warmth. It feels like he's going faster and faster. The bed is creaking. Just ignore it. Concentrate. Oh I hope he doesn't cum too soon. I focused on the feeling in my ass. I felt the heat start to build in my face an move down my shoulders and into the back of my neck. I felt Dave's body stiffen up on my back. He pushed in as deep as he could and kept pushing with short hard jerks. He must be cumming. I concentrated on the feeling of his cock moving in me. Ah, there it is, the pleasure wave hit. It didn't seem as strong as yesterday but it was wonderful.
      Dave stopped moving on me. I was still shuddering.
      "Did you cum?" he asked, all out of breath.
      "I think so, it was great!
      "What do you mean, you think so?" he asked. "Either you did or you didn't."
      "Well, It's kind of hard to describe. It feels like I'm cumming, in my head, actually my whole body. But no cum comes out."
      "That's really strange. Don't you feel like you still need to cum?"
      "Not really," I said. I could if I wanted to though, but this is getting a little embarrassing. Change the subject. "How about you? Did you cum?"
      "Of course I came. Couldn't you feel it?"
      I giggled, "I know you did. Actually I couldn't feel your cum squirting into me, but you push in really hard and deep when you cum."
      "I didn't hurt you..."
      "No, it felt really wonderful. Knowing what you were doing and feeling you trying to get..."
      I heard knocking at the door. "Ben" Mom said. Dave jumped.
      "Oh no." I whispered.
      "What'll we do?" Dave asked?
      "Quick get dressed." I whispered. Dave pulled out of me. Thank goodness he was mostly soft, so it wasn't too much of a shock. "Just a moment," I called out to Mom, "we're in the middle of something." Dave put his hands to his mouth to try to keep from laughing out-loud.
      "OK, when you're ready, I need to talk to you."
      Oh no, "The way she said that, it's like she knew what we were doing," I whispered. Dave tossed me the towel after he was done wiping himself off. I cleaned myself off and we got dressed in about two minutes. I opened the door. Dave zipped past me and hopped on his bike.
      "See you Ben," he said.
      "Huh, you're going?"
      "She want's to talk to you. I might get in the way. Besides if she does know what we were doing, it might be worse if we're both there." He rode off.
      Thanks a lot Dave. If he were there, the odds of me getting yelled at would probably be less. Oh well. I went in.
      "Hi," I called out. Mom came in from the kitchen.
      "Where's Dave?" she asked with a frown.
      "He said he had to get home." I sat down on the stuffed chair's stool and looked down. "What do you want to talk to me about?" I asked, trying to act like nothing was going on.
      "Are you and Dave using drugs?" she asked.
      I was shocked, but also relieved. "No."
      "I don't know what's going on, but you've changed since Dave became your friend. You've come home late a number of times and you've missed calling to say where you are when you do come home late." She looked at me with a worried look. I wish she would sit down. I looked away and cringed inside. I guess I'm not going to get-off for breaking those rules after all.
      "Well, I'm not using any drugs or drinking," I said quietly.
      "Then what do you and Dave do then?"
      Only sex. "Oh, we just talk about school and hobbies." Trying to keep the quiver out of my voice. I felt my face get hot as I thought about what we were just doing.
      "Hmm. Are you and Dave, uh, playing around?"
      I only glanced up at her, "What do you mean?" Trying to sound really confused, but I felt my face get even redder.
      "You know, sex"
      I gasped, "You're kidding. I like girls!" I said trying to sound a little angry.
      "That's good," she said.
      For some reason that did make me angry. "But I like guys too," I said quietly, glancing up and saw she was surprised. She turned away to sit down on the couch. I couldn't look at her again. Realizing that I may have revealed too much I added, "I don't know what I want." Maybe with that hint of hope, that this is a 'phase,' she'll leave me alone.
      She just sat there, staring off, looking at the kitchen. Then she looked at me.
      "If this was a boy/girl relationship, I would have a better idea of what to do," she said.
      Then don't do anything, I wanted to say.
      "I always knew you would start having sex someday. But I thought it would be with a girl and that things would start gradually, with dating, then more time spent with the other person. So even though we suspected something was going on, it's still quite a shock to see how fast things have happened... and with who."
      "I don't think I've changed," I said. "But a part of me has been hidden... from everyone, but me. I just don't want to be alone."
      She nodded. "If we were talking about a girl, I would say that is not a good enough reason for having sex. You need to know and care about the other person you're with. I noticed that you didn't know much about Dave, when we were talking this afternoon."
      I didn't know what to say. That was true enough.
      "Maybe that is the approach we should take here," she said.
      I gave her a confused look. "What do you mean?"
      "If Dave were a girl, I would say that you two should hold off on anymore sex for a while. Try to get to know each other before starting again."
      I felt a pang of hurt. No more Dave? "Why?" I asked, trying to not sound too angry. I didn't want to give up the sex.
      She looked away for sometime, thinking. Then she looked at me. "Do you love him?" she asked.
      Oh! Now I was shocked. She went right to the heart of the matter. I had not really thought much about it, but it seemed to always be in the back of my mind.
      "I don't know," I said. But I sure loved the sex and how his body felt on me.
      "It might be better to cool-it with sex then. Take it slower." She paused. "I guess just date him."
      Whew, she's not saying that I can never see him. I giggled at the 'dating' comment. "That sounds funny doesn't it?"
      She smiled.
      "What can we do?" I asked.
      "What do you mean?"
      "Can we hold hands?"
      "Sure."
      "Hug?"
      "Of course Ben. Touching someone is an important part of showing you care for someone."
      "How about... kissing?" Tears were welling up in my eyes. Why?
      "Ben, if it's too embarrassing to talk about, then it probably is not OK."
      "What's wrong," she asked, because I really started to cry now. I leaned over and hugged my knees. She came over and sat on the stool beside me. She put her arm around me. I sat up and hugged her and cried some more.
      I thought about the times that I tried to kiss or hug Dave and how he would turn away. Maybe without the sex, he would have no interest in me. Maybe there is no love there.
      "I'm not saying you can't see him."
      I fought back the tears. Took a deep breath so that I could speak. "No, that's not it... We haven't... Dave wouldn't hug me." I couldn't say, kiss me. I'd lost it again, really sobbing now.
      She sighed, "Then all the more reason for you to go slower."
      I nodded. She's always sounded so reasonable. But now I was not looking forward to confronting Dave with this. I started to calm down again. I let go of her and wiped my tears away.
      "Maybe we can talk more about this later," she said.
      I could tell that, even though she was talking calmly, she was actually upset, and didn't want to talk any more.
      "What about Dad? Should..."
      "Yes you can talk with him. It'll be OK. We've already talked about some of this," she said.
      "OK." That's a relief, I thought.
       
      I got up and went out to my room. I smelled the sex in air. No wonder she guessed what was going on. There must have been plenty of other clues. I looked at the messed up bed where Dave was fucking me. I threw myself onto the bed and started crying again. I didn't want to give up that feeling of being held, of feeling Dave's hard penis in me. But if he didn't love me why would he stay with me? He could just dump me anytime. Did I love him? No, was my first thought. 'Damn,' I thought, and really started sobbing. I'm never going to find anyone who wants me and who I want!
       
      <Knock>, <knock>. I woke up with a start. I had fallen asleep. "Dinner is almost ready," Dad said.
      "OK," I replied getting up.
      "Can I come in?"
      I gulped, part two. "Sure." And I opened the door. I sat on the edge of the bed and he sat beside me.
      "You OK?" he asked quietly.
      I nodded, but tears were starting again. Damn, I got to get control. I pushed down hard inside, not looking at him. "Did you talk to Mom?"
      "About you and Dave? Yes." He looked at me and I looked down. "We just don't want you to get hurt."
      Too late, I thought. "I'll tell Dave that we have to cool-it."
      "We're not saying you can't see him." he quietly said. "Just take things slower."
      To late, I thought again, remembering Dave fucking me. I can't say that! What was Dad talking about? What can I say back? Try to agree. "I know. Actually I've been thinking that Dave and I don't have much else in common. But I would really miss how he..." shit, I almost said how he feels when we fuck! If felt my face flush and I started to tremble with the feeling and memory of being fucked. I put my head on my knees and hugged them, to hid my embarrassment from what I almost said and what I was feeling. He put his hand on my back and rubbed. I trembled more and held my breath. No this is wrong. I can't feel this way here. I felt the wave pass and the tears stopped. Whew. I breathed again and I was in control again. I sat up. "Sorry." I whispered.
      "For what? Having feelings? They're OK," he said.
      I nodded, but I had already pushed the feelings away so that I could talk. "You know all I really want is to find someone I'm attracted to and they are attracted to me. But people, uh girls or boys, that I'm attracted to, aren't interested in me. While the few who are interested in me, I'm not interested in them. It just all seems so random and impossible."
      "It's not easy," he agreed. "That's probably why being in-love is so powerful, because it's so rare. Even though it's rare, it'll happen for you." We sat there for a few minutes.
     
      "Dinner's ready," Mom called out.
      "OK," I said as we got up. I wanted to hug him, but I couldn't even look at him. I looked down and headed quickly for the door.
      "Ben." I turned around and he came up to me and gave me a long hug. I just sighed. Thank god, no more tears came. I had pushed those emotions away for a while.
      We went to dinner. I was quiet and my sister kept looking at me, probably wondering what I'd been crying about. I thought about Dave, what was I going to say, and how will he react, especially when he finds out that my parents know about what we were doing!
       
      I went to bed early. I was exhausted from all the crying, not to mention two days of intense sex.
      What was I going to tell Dave? I could just ignore him, like he did after our first experience. Well not easily since, we have gym together. Also I certainly didn't hate him. He hasn't done anything wrong.
      I could just ignore him, or in other words, dump him. No. I said I would try to pay attention to people who showed an interest in me, even though that's what started this whole mess.
       
      The next day. Gym class.
      "Hi Dave."
      "Hi Ben. How's it going.
      "Fine."
      I paused. Now doesn't seem like a good time.
      "So what did your Mom want?" he asked
      "Uh, I don't know if there's enough time to talk about that now. How about if we get together after school?"
      "Wow. This sounds heavy. Can't you give me a hint?"
      Coach showed up then, blowing his stupid whistle.
      "Later?" I said.
      "OK, after school," he replied.
      We started class. What will today's torture be? Ah, it looks like more football. Coach had us count off, one to four, to pick the teams. It was funny to see the shuffling going as guys tried to get on the team they wanted. But the counting went fast, so few got what they wanted. I heard yeas and groans when the good or poor players counted off. Whew, no sound when I called out two. After stretching, coach told us to run around the field once to warm-up. Whew, that's not too bad.
      When we started running, Dave and I were towards the end of the pack. He slowed down so that we fell back from the group.
      "So, you going to give me a hint?" he asked, grinning.
      Oh why not, it can't be that bad.
      "My Mom, knew we were having sex."
      "No shit! Wow! Did she get mad?" He had a worried look.
      "No, but she said we would need to cool-it."
      "Oh." He was quiet then. He looked away from me. What is he thinking?
      "She didn't say we couldn't see each other."
      "Ah, that's good," he said giving me a grin, "we can still have some fun."
      This is not going to be easy after all.
      "Uh, actually I sort of agree with her. But I still want to see you."
      He gave me a hurt puzzled look.
      "You know kind of date and get to know each other," I said.
      Now he had an angry look. "Date! You're not a girl!"
      "Huh?" I was shocked by his response.
      "It was only sex you know. I'm not a queer." He glared at me and ran away.
       
      I stopped running and just walked. He had essentially called me a queer! But the things we had done. I just can't understand what he means. 'It was only sex.' Ouch, that really hurts. I can't cry here! Bare down, drive the feeling down and away. Whew. I'll think about it later. I guess Dave will be ignoring me now.
      The rest of the day seemed to pass in a fog. Things seemed to be going so well, until now.

      The rest of the week and the weekend dragged by. Dave just avoids me in gym class. Well I avoid him too. I thought about what to do and what had happened, but I keep going in circles, resolving nothing. I mostly stayed in my room working on models or in the garage doing woodworking. Mom had asked how things were with Dave. I told her that he didn't want to see me again. She was right, it was only sex. I let her know I didn't want to talk about it though. I think she was relieved to not have to talk about it, but she still gave me a worried look.
      Well, she should be worried. Thoughts of suicide started to creep back. I realized it was really those thoughts that had goaded me to start taking chances, but I had suppressed those thoughts so deep, that I had forgotten them. 'It was only sex you know.' kept echoing in my head. That actually helped. That loss certainly was not worth dying over. But not being wanted by anyone. That thought was back. And it hurt the most.
      Things weren't really any worse than before Dave. I could go back to the way things were before him. I could even try to be on the look out only for girls who were interested in me. Some how I don't think things will happen as fast as they did with Dave, but who knows.
       
      It's Tuesday and I'm walking to lunch. Near my usual bench, where I would eat and read, there was a guy sitting on one of the large brick retaining wall type of planter boxes they had in the lunch courtyard. He stood, when I got near.
      "Hi," he said. "Are you Ben?"
      "Yes," I said, confused. I'd never seen this guy around. He was tall. Maybe six foot two. Pretty muscular too. I looked up at his face. Dark eyes, long eyelashes. His dark brown hair had loose curls, but it was still way shorter than my hair. Wow, what a handsome guy. I certainly would have remembered seeing him.
      "You're in gym class with Dave? Right?" he asked.
      "Uh, yes." Dave! Now I had my guard up. Who is this guy?
      He glanced around, then leaned back against the planter.
      Now he was staring at me. I looked away. Then looked back. He glanced up and down my body. I thought of walking away. OK, I'll stare back. I felt a pang of, well lust. He was gorgeous. His eyelashes were so cute. He grinned. A dimple appeared in his left cheek.
      This guy may look good, but this was getting uncomfortable, he's strange. I looked down.
      "Umm," he started. I looked back at him. He had a serious look.
      "I'm not sure how to say this," he paused. Then he blurted out, "I've been watching you, and Dave said you were a good lay, and I was wondering if we could get together sometime?"
      "What!" I said, shocked. Good start. I was 'a good lay!' What can I say? Is he going to beat me up? I backed up. Is this a trick? Maybe he'll beat me up if I don't go along. What about all the people around here. What if they hear. I looked around. No one was near. OK, denial is the safest route.
      "Dave's full of it!" I tried to say quietly, but I think I said it too loud. Darn, I shouldn't have gotten mad. I should have laughed it off, like 'Oh, Dave is such a prankster.' Too late. He stood up and he looked really worried. I backed away.
      "You don't even know me. Dave's just playing a joke on you... and me I guess. But I don't think it's very funny."
      He held up his hands. "OK, sorry. I'll let Dave know his joke was dumb." He dropped his hands. "You're not going to tell anyone else about this?"
      "No way," I replied. "It was just a dumb joke. Uh, sorry about blowing up."
      "I understand," he said, looking down with a sad look.
      "Well, I need to eat lunch... Bye," I said. I turned around and quickly walked away. I couldn't walk past him, because I was too afraid of him.
       
      Dave told that guy! Why? What did he tell him? It must have been enough for him to almost flat out ask me to have sex with him. Does Dave hate me? Is he out to have me labeled a queer? I don't have any close friends who would care. Of course, that means I also don't have any friends who could help me. Is he following me? I glanced back. No. He was still sitting there looking down. Now I need to put some distance between us and some obstacles to block his view of where I sit.
      I've got to calm down. Were can I go? Don't think now. Find a place that is secluded and away from large groups. As I looked around, my last view of that guy, sad and hurt, kept flashing up. There's a mostly empty spot. Only three girls were in that area.
      I glanced back to make sure that guy would not see where I was going. I couldn't see him, so I went to the spot I picked out. I grabbed my sandwich out of my lunch bag and started eating it, while reading a novel that I had brought with me. That's what I usually do during lunch. But I wasn't reading this time.
      What did he say? That Dave said I was a good lay. Thanks for the compliment Dave! You could have kept your mouth shut though. Who else has he told? And how much detail? Is he writing my name on bathroom walls: 'For good BJ and fuck see Ben Carter'. Will I have to worry about getting beat up everyday? Even worse, would I be fending off constant propositioning. Don't flatter yourself Ben. That would be worse, but getting harassed is much more likely. I don't know anything about how to defend myself or fight. I am pretty good, though, at detecting and avoiding conflict so that I have never gotten into that kind of situation. That's why the encounter with that guy had been so scary. He'd been watching me, he said. I hadn't seen him. Do I have to worry about him coming after me again? He looked really worried when I rejected what he was saying. He essentially had admitted that he was interested in me, a guy. Hmm, so he may have just as much to fear, that I would expose him. So he'll either ignore me or come after me to make sure I won't talk. How many people has Dave told? I'll have to talk to him! I better pay better attention to people around me. I don't want any strange guys approaching me. Especially a group of guys! OK, now I have some kind of a plan. I can read and escape for a while.

      On my way home, I thought more about what happened today. Dave wasn't in gym class today, so I couldn't confront him. Now what can I do? I had noticed that in gym and between periods, that some guys were staring me down. Am I paranoid now? Were they staring because I was looking around more, or did they know about me? Or had I just not paid that much attention? No, I pay attention. I need to find out how wide spread this is. I have no friends that are close enough to ever ask about this. I could talk to my parents, but they wouldn't know anything. Hmm, my sister hangs around with the "in-crowd," so she may hear things. I can ask her to see if she's heard anything strange about me. Since Mom and Dad know about me, it might be OK for her to know too, if she presses for more information. So I'll look for a time when I can talk to her alone.
       
      Cathy, my sister, didn't come home until just before dinner, so I waited until after dinner to talk to her.
      I knocked on her door.
      "Yes."
      "It's me Ben."
      "Come in."
      We used to be closer. Now we seem to just tolerate each other.
      I opened the door and went in. She was sitting on her bed, with the phone in front of her. Probably about to call her boyfriend. I closed the door.
      "I need to talk to you," I said.
      "Really?" She had a surprised look, then a suspicious look, like I was about to get her in trouble.
      "I was wondering if you'd heard anything about me at school?"
      "Huh, what do you mean?"
      "Rumors or something. You have more friends than me so I thought you might have heard something."
      "About what?" she asked. "What have you done? Something illegal?" she asked, almost with glee. Man, she's really into the 'bad-boy' scene.
      "No," I said. Well that's a relief. She hasn't heard anything. Now, should I tell her? Word just might not have got out much yet. Mom and Dad reacted OK, maybe she will too. But she doesn't need to know. I turned to go.
      "So what's going on?" she asked. I looked at her but continued towards the door.
      "Oh I know, you got a C on a test and you're afraid the whole school will find out," she said with a sneer. She resents my better grades, but I wasn't a straight A student. I get plenty of Bs and even occasional Cs. Grades aren't that important to me, so I didn't fall for that bait. I paused.
      "Don't be ridiculous." I started for the door again.
      "Did you get busted for drugs," she blurted out. "Is that why you were crying last week?"
      OK, I have long hair. Does that make me a dope smoking hippy?
      "No way," I said with some anger in my voice.
      "Oh come on tell me. It can't be anything very serious. It's not like you're a queer or anything," she goaded.
      My head snapped around, "What makes you say that!" Oh no, I'm giving myself away again with my response. "That's ridiculous," I continued with anger. Might as well let her know she was out of line for that accusation.
      "You sure are touchy... Wait a minute, you and Dave?" She looked at me carefully. She even moved closer.
      "Dave was just a friend," I said frowning at her.
      "I haven't heard about him lately," she said.
      "We don't get along anymore." I felt my face starting to get red. I got to get out of her room.
      "Are you gay, Ben," she asked quietly. Almost nicely. I shrugged, what the heck. I nodded.
      "I don't believe it! My brother is a faggot!" Now she had a mean look.
      I didn't know what to say.
      "So do Mom and Dad know?"
      I nodded, "That's what last week was about."
      "Ah, that explains the arguments I was hearing from their room. I could pick out your name sometimes, but I couldn't hear anything else."
      "So you were crying because they forbid you from seeing Dave?" she asked.
      "No that isn't what happened. They were not happy, but they seem OK about it."
      "I don't believe it. They get on my case with me and Joe, but they let you screw around with guys."
      "But that's not true," I tried to respond, to let her know that they really didn't approve of what Dave and I were doing.
      "I'll be laughed at for months," she continued, not hearing me. "'So, How's your fairy brother?' 'Has he gone after your boyfriend yet?'" she said shaking her head.
      "No wonder you were worried about others finding out," she said. "Eww, the thought of it is disgusting." she shuddered.
      I wanted to leave. Things seemed to be getting worse.
      "Well, I haven't changed," I said trying to defend myself.
      "No? You just decided to go out with guys. It's a sin you know."
      That's it, I'm getting out. I was out of her room, and on the way out of the house, and to my room, fast. My last image of her, was of her glaring at me.
       
      That went incredibly bad! I really didn't expect her reactions. I guess I should of, since she seems to go for the really macho type of guys. I feel panic. She better not tell her boyfriend, Joe. He might want to prove how macho he is by beating me up.
      It's a relief to find out that she hadn't heard anything about me, yet. So it might not be wide spread. But will she tell Joe or anyone else? Why would she? Does she hate me? It sure seemed that way. What else did she say? Mom and Dad had been fighting and my name was mentioned. I guess they are not as accepting as they have lead me to believe. So it's probably best that Dave and I aren't together anymore. But Cathy thinks they approve of me and Dave. She didn't listen to me. She's more worried about what others will think about her. Ah, she may keep quiet, so that she doesn't get embarrassed by me. But is any of this helping me find out who Dave has told?
      I thought I could go back to the way things were. Or try to only pay attention to girls. Now, I have a strange guy, chasing me, and my sister hates me. She might tell others anyway. Let's think. Also there do appear to be other guys staring at me, which I hadn't noticed before. Oh yeah, and my parents know about my liking guys. And maybe they're upset too. How can any of this be contained?
      I have to talk to Dave! The first time I see him, I'll make it clear that we must talk.
       
      Dave was in gym class, the next day, Wednesday. He effectively avoided me all during the period. At the end of class, I looked for a chance to get his attention. Good he was towards the back of his group, which was heading to the showers.
      "Hey Dave, wait up," I called out. He stopped. He sort of had to, since I yelled loud enough that other's would think it strange if he didn't stop. He didn't look like he wanted to talk to me, because he only half faced me. I walked up to him.
      "How's it going?" I asked. I looked around to see that others were still going past us. In a few seconds, we should be out of ear-shot.
      "OK. What's up?"
      "Not much." I looked around. No one was nearby now. "Actually I have a problem."
      He just looked at me.
      "Yesterday, I had a guy came up to me, out of nowhere, and asked me to have sex with him."
      "Who?"
      "I don't know, he didn't say his name. He said that you said I was a good lay."
      "Well you are," he said with a huge grin. "What's he look like?"
      What do I respond to? Restate my position on sex or describe the guy? I thought of his dark eyes, that was such a cliche, but it was somehow his eyelashes that were the most attractive part of his eyes. And the dimple that appeared when he smiled. Then he scared me with what he was saying.
      I snapped out of it and said to Dave, "He had dark curly hair, a little long. Tall, maybe six one or two."
      "Ah," Dave said, "I know who you're talking about. A well-built guy?"
      I nodded.
      "So do you think he's cute?" he asked, with a smirk.
      "What!"
      "You had a far off dreamy look when you described him."
      I didn't like the direction this was going. Dave had no right to tell anyone about me!
      "So what are you getting at?" I said angerly. "You know my position on sex," I tried to say quietly.
      "Yeah, I know your position," he laughed, stressing 'position.'
      "Not funny! You know what I mean! I'm not looking for a..." sex buddy. I can't say that! "I'm not looking for only sex."
      "I know. You're looking for love," he said while rolling his eyes.
      "Please don't tell anyone else Dave. This is really scaring me. I don't want to get beat up or called names."
      He actually looked concerned now. "It'll be OK. I have to worry too you know. It goes both ways."
      That hadn't occurred to me. He would have to worry about my telling others about what we'd done too. He might even be worried that my parents know about him and me. Maybe he can be trusted. I'm not sure though. Panic feeling. My sister! He may have more to worry about from what I'd reveled to her.
      "So, do you want to know his name?" Dave asked.
      "What? Who?"
      "Mr. dream-boat."
      "No. I don't want anything to do with him," I said, stressing the 'him.'
      "OK. What ever you say," he said. Then he got a big grin. "His name is Tony Meyers," and he ran off to the locker room.
      I just shrugged, and started walking to the locker room too. So, I have his name. I don't recognize it, but Dave said it as if I should have. Strange.

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

      The rest of the week we didn't see each other at school. We talked on the phone each night. The harassment seems to be almost disappearing. I noticed fewer stares now. Tony went to the game at the other high-school. Our team lost. He called me late. He said he could come over today, Saturday.
       
      Tony came over a little after 1pm.
      Mom went to get groceries. We stayed in the living room, sitting next to each other on the couch. I put my arm around him and turned to kiss him.
      "I want you so much Ben. When are we going to do it?" Tony said. I sighed and looked down.
      "You're such a tease," he said. Ouch. There it is again. I thought he could wait. I didn't want to argue. I turned towards him, swinging my leg over his lap an knelt straddling his legs. He had a surprised look on his face and was looking a little red. I put my hands on his shoulders and rubbed them up and down his arms and biceps. He put his hands on my waist.
      "I really want you too Tony, but once we start... I, we need to know that we have more in common than that." He looked a little hurt now. Oh no, almost angry. I looked down. "That's what happened with me and Dave. After I said we needed to cool-it, he left and won't hardly look at me anymore. Not that I want to talk to him after the things he told other people about me."
      "I don't think he told many others. Certainly not anyone who would cause problems. Actually, if he hadn't said those things, I probably would not have noticed you," he replied. "I'm still sorry about what I said the first time I talked to you. Maybe this is your way of punishing me?" He was grinning.
      "No. It's OK now." I leaned in to hug him. What does he know about Dave? I leaned back.
      "So how do you know Dave?" I asked. He started to talk, then he noticed how closely I was watching him. He looked away and squirmed. Now he knows what I mean.
      "Well there's nothing going on between me and him. There used to be, a few months before you."
      I just nodded, for him to continue.
      "Well we didn't do much," he said, then he looked up at me. I could almost hear his thought: 'not as much as what you and he did.' I looked away.
      "Anyway, when I tried to kiss him, he said he didn't go for that kind of queer stuff. We stopped getting together.
      "I hadn't seen him for over a month, but we were passing in the hall. I stopped and we talked. I asked if he'd found someone else to play with. He mentioned you, and told me the things that you and he had done. That blew me away. He then said that you had the same problem I had. You wanted to kiss and hug. That was the moment I realized I wanted to meet you. I asked for your name. He wasn't going to tell me, but I think he was just having fun, because he offered to point you out to me during lunch."
      "Ah, so that's how you knew me," I said.
      He nodded. "I watched you for a whole week. I even walked right in front of you one day. You didn't seem to even see me. I was going nuts looking at you and fantasizing, so I got up the guts to talk to you."
      "Then, I burned you with my reply," I said.
      "Yeah. I thought I'd really blown-it, or that Dave had pointed out the wrong guy. So I talked to Dave again. He was laughing at how I was sure that he was wrong about you. Man, you are a good actor Ben, I was convinced that you were straight. So Dave described in even more detail what you guys did. I thought I was going nuts before, now it was intolerable. I spent the rest of the week thinking about how to approach you. Just before I finally got the nerve to talk to you again, Dave told me to just be myself."
      Wow! That was a neat story. Tony looked up at me, kind of worried. I smiled at him, and put my hands on his cheeks, stroking his skin. Time for a kiss.
      I leaned down to kiss him. As I did, I slid my arms under his and around his back and snuggled up close. As I pushed against him he slid to the side and laid down so that I was now on top of him and my hands were stuck behind his back. His hands were rubbing my back while we kissed. He pushed his tongue deep into my mouth and licked it around my tongue. I licked his tongue back and sucked on it a little. Then I pressed down and opened up to get more of it in. He moaned and slide his tongue under mine and hit the spot that made me reel with pleasure. I moaned now and squeezed him with my hands to let him know that I really liked it. He spread his legs, and with his hands, he pressed on the sides of my legs, so that I would move them between his. His tongue backed off. I moved my legs between his and as I pulled back from the kiss he moved his feet over my legs so that I was pined.
      "Wow, that was incredible!" I said, as I pulled back to to look into his beautiful brown eyes.
      "Would you like more?" he asked. Then I noticed he was hard and using a hand in the small of my back to press me on to himself. I reflexively started to pull back. He held me tight with his arms and legs.
      "It's OK," he said. I relaxed back down onto him and sighed. I pushed myself at him and felt myself getting hard.
      "Yes, it is. You feel nice Tony."
      "You really are someone special Ben. Not to mention really hot-stuff."
      "Mmm." I snuggled up to him. Then I heard the jingle of keys outside. "My Mom!" I moved to get up. Tony tightened up and held on to me. "Let me up!" I hissed.
      "No. I want to see how approving your parents really are," he answered. I struggled a little more, but then I just relaxed when the door opened.
      "Oh," she said as she came in with an arm full of groceries, "Hi guys."
      "Hi," I said. "Uh, sorry but he wouldn't let me get up." I struggled a little to demonstrate.
      She smirked, "Do you really want to get up?"
      I started to to blush, "Not really."
      "Then you're OK," and she walked into the kitchen to put the groceries away. I relaxed back down onto Tony and sighed.
      "Man you are tense," he said, chuckling as he rubbed my back. I didn't know what to say, I was still shocked by what happened. He must have been tense too, or getting hot with me on him, because I could smell his sweat. I took another deep smell of him. I turned my head and whispered in his ear, "I love you Tony."
      He hugged me tight. "I love you too sweetie," he whispered back. I leaned up to look at him smiling. This position was starting to get uncomfortable, but I moved in for a kiss. He pressed my head down with his hand behind my head, while his tongue pushed in to find 'that spot' again. Then he hit it, I went ridged. He paused a moment, and I felt his hard penis pressing up. Oh, no, not here, my Mom is in the kitchen. I can't do this here. It was too intense. I pulled back. It wasn't easy, because I had no leverage. Tony let me pull back. He had a worried look.
      "I'm getting uncomfortable, can you let me up a little?" I said. He removed his arms and legs off me so I could move anywhere. I thought of getting up, but he had a worried look. So I moved my legs up to kneel across him and I pulled my hands from under his back. I sat up and shook them around, because they were tingling. I grinned. "My hands were starting to fall asleep." I put my hands down on his chest, then remembered my Mom, so I moved them to his arms, and I snuggled down on top of him again, kissing his neck.
      "Ah-em. Would you like to stay for dinner Tony?" Mom asked. I partially sat up. He had his hands on my waist. He glanced at her, then looked at me smiling at him, with my eyebrows raised, pleading that he say yes.
      "Sure," he said, "I need to let my Mom know though."
      "OK, we'll eat around six o'clock" and she went back in to the kitchen.
      I started to lean down to cuddle some more when my sister came in. She looked at us and said, "Eww, do you have to do that in the living room?" she moaned.
      "We're not doing anything," I said.
      "Not yet," said Tony as he grabbed my shirt and pulled me down to his lips. he wasted no time going right for the sensitive spot. With periphial vision, I saw Cathy stand there for a moment, then she fled for her room. I started laughing. Interesting, it's not possible to kiss deep while laughing. I turned my head and laughed into Tony's neck. Tony was laughing too.
      "You guys shouldn't tease her," Mom called out from the kitchen.
      "Do you know how many times I've had to watch her and Joe making out?" I replied. No answer. Hmm.
      I'm thirsty. "Would you like something to drink, Tony?" I asked, as I got off of him.
      "Sure. I'll have some milk."
      I stopped to turn on the stereo and tuner. "Want to find a good station?"
      "'K"
      I came back with two milks. After we each drank about half a glass, the song "Crimson and Clover" came on. One of my favorites. I looked at Tony and smiled, just watching him. He set his glass down. And stood up.
      "Come here," he said, and took my hand to pull me up. He lead me to the center of the living room, pulled me to himself, and started slow dancing with me. Mmm, this feels so good. I nuzzled into his neck and kissed him there. His hair tickled my nose. We pressed together. I could feel his hard-on, which he was rubbing side to side against me.
      "Uh, Tony," I whispered, as I pulled back a bit. He just chuckled. I pushed back at him, but he didn't move side to side as much now.
      The song ended and the song "Sugar" started. He must have found a top-50 station. The beat was way to fast to slow dance to. He pulled away and held my hands. He started moving me with sort of swing-dance moves. I started blushing. I'm a klutz at dancing and hate making mistakes. But he took it slow and moved me through some spins and back and forth moves. He was leading, so it was easy to follow what he wanted. Wow, this really is easy. Now that he had taught me about four simple moves, he started us going faster to match the song's beat. After about three minutes, I saw my Mom looking at us from the kitchen door, grinning. I froze and just laughed with embarrassment. Tony looked back and saw her. He just grinned and pulled me into a hug.
      "You don't know how many times I've tried to teach him how to dance. You two looked good, together," Mom said.
      Tony was sweating. Mmm, his smell is such a turn on. But I was too embarrassed to continue dancing.
      "I think, I'll call my Mom and let her know I'll be here for dinner," Tony said.
      I watched him walk away. This is an afternoon to remember.
       
      Tony was driving us to the psychiatrist's office. I was navigating. I thought back to the first part of the week. Saturday was wonderful with Tony. We had a nice quiet dinner, after we danced, then he and I cuddled while we watched some TV with my family. Tony couldn't come over on Sunday. Because of all the football practice, it's his main homework catch-up day. Monday, Mom told me that she had found a psychiatrist who could talk to Tony and me. She asked if Wednesday at 4pm would be OK with Tony. I called him and found out that he could leave practice early. Things at school seemed to be almost back to normal.
      So now we were on the way to see this woman psychologist, who was near the downtown park.
       
      "There it is," I said pointing at a six story office building. Her office was on the third floor. We waited in the reception room in separate chairs next to each other. I was nervous, as usual, but Tony seemed so calm. A man left the main office. Then the door opened again, and a small woman came out.
      "Hi I'm Dr. Martin. You're Ben and Tony?" she asked. We got up.
      Tony held out his hand and said, "Yes, I'm Tony."
      "I'm Ben," I said, and shook her hand. She had one of those handshakes where only the fingers are offered. It feels kind of creepy. Oh well.
      She directed us into her office and for us to sit on a couch, while she took a single chair across from us.
      "So I talked with your Mom, Ben," she said as she looked at me, "She told me that you're a couple and that you have some questions."
      I was turning red already! I raised my eyebrows in surprise.
      "It's OK, I've worked with gay men before, but not often with young men like you two."
      Wow, she called us young men. Cool.
      Tony started, "Well we had some questions about... sex, I guess."
      Jeeze, Tony, just jump right in! I interrupted, "Uh, Dr. Martin, this is confidential, right?"
      "Absolutely," she assured. "Nothing you say will be repeated to anyone. Well, I might talk to some colleagues, but not with your names. Only illegal acts, that may cause immediate harm to another person would be a problem."
      "Is sex between two guys illegal," I asked.
      "Not in California," she said.
      "What about age?"
      "Ben so long as no one is getting hurt, I don't see that we would have a problem here," she said, trying to look reassuring.
      "Now, Tony?" she asked, looking at him.
      He's blinking at me, not sure if he should continue. That's strange. Oh, that's right, he thinks he hurt me.
      "Tony wants, to ask about something that happens when we kiss," I said looking at him. It's OK Tony. He nodded and smiled at me. Then he looked at the Dr.
      "Yes, uh, when I kiss Ben a certain way, he gets, well excited."
      She looked at him and nodded.
      "One time during kissing, he seemed to be having a seizure. For about a minute he wouldn't stop. It felt like a lot longer though."
      Huh, he told me it was a few seconds.
      "Was he breathing," she asked.
      "Sort of, but it scared me. He only stopped after I got off of him, and shook him a little..." his voice cracked. He cleared his throat.
      "I see," she said. "How did you feel Ben?"
      A minute! No wonder you were scared Tony. That would scare me too.
      "It felt great! But it was kind of like I blacked out. Actually it was more like a white-out. Everything was bright and intense, but that's all I can remember."
      She nodded. "Has this happened before?"
      "Yes, but not to the same degree."
      "Was it with kissing too?" she asked.
      I looked at Tony, I looked down, trying to think of a half truth. I was wringing my hands. Tony reached over and took a hand with both his.
      He whispered, "It's OK Ben, remember Dave told me about you and him."
      Oh, that's right. It's still not easy. "No. Dave doesn't kiss."
      "Was it with anal sex?" she asked.
      I nodded, blushing. I must be bright red now, because I was remembering the feeling of Dave in me. I didn't look at Tony.
      "Is the feeling localized to one place or all over?" she asked.
      Oh god, do I have to describe it all in detail? But, I want to know the answer to what this is. Just detach, pretend it's not me, just talk about it like any other body function.
      "It starts out at one place, then any place and every place were I'm being touched makes me, uh," me cum! Think of something else. "have a good feeling, but I haven't cum."
      "No ejaculation?" she ask.
      I shook my head. "None."
      "Does this happen multiple times or only once?" she asked more.
      "Huh?" I thought I had already said it's happened before.
      "I mean, within a short time, do you have the same good feeling," she clarified.
      "Oh. Well, yes. And each time is stronger."
      "OK," she said. "Sorry about the embarrassing questions. You don't have anything to worry about Ben. What you feel is a kind of orgasm that is more common with women. Your whole body gets involved. It's rare with men, but it can happen. I've heard that with anal sex, it is more likely, but it is still rare."
      Tony is beaming at me. Now he's going to really want it!
      "Actually the trance-like state is quite rare, even with women," she said. "You're pretty lucky Ben. I can see why it would be scary though."
      "Wow," Tony says. "You mean, it's OK? It can't hurt him?"
      "Oh, Tony," I giggled, and shoved at his shoulder.
      "Now he's going to be more insistent," I said looking at the Dr. "I want to wait, but he wants to do more now." I shrugged.
      She nodded, "That's a problem that is common to many couples. There's no easy answer, other than it is certainly OK, if you both are ready."
      I nodded, "He said he could wait."
      "I can Ben, but I'm just checking to see if you've changed your mind," he said.
      "You'll be the first to know when I've changed my mind," I said laughing. Tony laughed too.
      I looked at the Dr. again. She was smiling. "But it doesn't seem fair to Tony that his kissing sets me off, but I don't do more for him," I asked.
      She looked thoughtful. "Is that OK with you Tony. Do you feel like that's a problem."
      "Oh no, I like making him cum," he blurted out. Then he turned red, when he saw my shocked face, and realized what he'd said.
      "He's always making me blush," I said giggling, "Finally, I get to see him embarrassed.
      "Do you know what he said to me, when he first talked to me?"
      "Ben!"
      "Sorry, Tony. I guess it's funny now." I looked at Dr. Martin. She had a questioning look, but I wasn't going to say anything more. I just smiled at her.
      "Oh OK," said Tony "you can tell her."
      "It was something like, 'Dave says you are a good lay, would you like to go out with me?' If he hadn't mentioned Dave, I would have blasted him more then I did. Mainly I was scared."
      "Of being found out?" she asked.
      I nodded.
      "That's another topic we can talk about. Ben's Mom said that you two will try to stay closeted," she said.
      "What's that?" Tony asked. I figured it was a term for hiding, but I wasn't sure.
      "It means you'll keep your relationship secret. More generally, you'll keep your sexual orientation secret." she said.
      "Well it's not totally secret," I jumped in, "My family knows."
      "Yes, there are different levels of being out," she replied. "How are things going with other people?"
      Out, closeted, where are these terms coming from? Oh, she's asked how things are going.
      "Well things seemed to get really tense last week when my sister blabbed about us. But things seem to be calming down, now that she's reversed her first story, I think." I looked at Tony. "You haven't told me how things have been?" I said to Tony.
      He looked down. "It's not as bad as last week, but most of the team members will barely talk to me. They don't joke around with me much."
      "It's hard, hiding something that is so fundamental to yourself," she commented.
      He nodded. "Actually I'm more worried about my family. My Dad is always telling faggot jokes around me. One time he said if I didn't start going out with girls, people will start to think I was a fairy. Mom's even made comments about my not going out with girls. I just tell them that I'm shy around girls."
      "It's hard to know what people's real reactions will be when they find out. Sometimes people already know, but they don't want to confront the problems. Other people may feel very threatened, and react very badly."
      So. I already knew that. She must have notice my blank stare, because she continued.
      "I don't have much help for when or who you can tell. But you might consider this. If you are getting closer to someone, so that there is more trust, and it is taking more energy to stay closeted than it would to deal with the person's reaction, even if it is bad, then it might be OK to come out to that person. Unfortunately, you'll still have to risk that that person may reject you. If you think the other person might become violent, then you might want to never telling them or make sure that you are in a safe place, where other's would help you, if there were problems."
      I nodded that I understood. Tony was looking worried. Probably thinking about his Dad.
      "Coming out gradually is probably best for guys your age, because many teens are trying to identify with themselves sexually, and they can be easily threatened by gay people," she said. "Also, many teens are experimenting, so you don't want to get labeled, in case you don't want to follow the gay lifestyle."
      I'm NOT experimenting! I looked at Tony and squeezed his hand. He squeezed back and looked at me, smiling. I grinned back. "I'm not experimenting," I whispered to him. He nodded.
      When I looked back, I saw she was looking at us closely.
      "Anyway, after you tell enough people, you will eventually be as out as you need to be."
      I felt sad. "You mean I won't be able to hold his hand or hug him in public?"
      She shrugged. "Many straight couples have trouble showing affection in public. You'll have to be the judge of how you think people around you will react. Some gays consider that a problem for others, if they can't deal with it, tough! But in your case, I would try to stay safe, until you have learned where it would be OK."
      "You mentioned other gays," I said, "but how do we find them? At first I felt alone by myself, now I'm feeling like it's only Tony and me."
      She looked away and thought.
      She looked back at me. "You know how easy it is to stay hidden, if you don't act on your feelings. So you are not likely to met any closeted gays, until you are more out. So that leaves, others who are mostly out. Hmm, I could ask some of the gay men who've come to me, but it might be better to find a gay couple who has been together for a while. I can ask some colleagues for some referrals, if that's OK with you? Also I should get your parent's permission first."
      "No way," said Tony.
      She nodded. "It might be OK, if only Ben's parents are told then."
      I nodded.
      "OK, I'll see if I can find a gay couple for you two to talk to.
      "Our time is just about up. Is there anything else?" she asked.
      I shook my head. Wow, we might get to talk to someone like us! I looked at Tony. He had a wide-eyed look. I squeezed his hand and he looked at me smiling.
      "I've got to say that, from what I've seen so far, you two communicate very well with each other," she said, "So you two are off to a good start."
      That's a nice compliment. "Thanks," I said.
      She stood up. So we did too. As we stepped towards the door, I sadly let go of Tony's hand as he walked ahead of me.
      "You look like you could use a hug Ben," said Dr. Martin.
      Tony stopped and I bumped into him, because I looked at her. Really? Tony pulled me into a big bear hug. I put my arms around his chest and buried my face into his shoulder, and sighed. I squeezed him and rubbed his back. Then I pulled away. Tony still had his arm around my waist. I was trying to hold it together.
      "Thanks, Dr. Martin," He said, and shook her hand.
      I just nodded, but I only glanced at her. Why did she do that to me? I was OK until Tony hugged me.
      "It'll be OK Ben. Just give me a call if you or Tony would like to talk more," she said.
      Whew, I got control now. "OK, thanks," I said. I won't let her jerk my chain anymore, though.
      Tony opened the door and I got out of there quickly. Things seem to be getting better, but there was so much to think about.
      On the ride back I was thinking about what was bothering me. Why did I feel depressed at the end of the session? Things actually seemed like they should have been better. Was it the meeting that we might have with another couple? Nope, that could be fun. Being closeted? Hmm, that's annoying at times, but not depressing. The orgasm explanation? Like a woman. But I'm not a woman. I don't want to be a woman. But do I act like one?
      "You're kind of quiet, Ben. Is everything OK?"
      I jumped. "Yes. I was just thinking about what Dr. Martin said."
      "About what?" he asked.
      About having orgasms like a woman. Is that what he sees in me? I sure hope not. OK here goes.
      "Do you like me because I'm like a girl?" I asked him.
      "Huh, where'd that come from? I don't think you're like a girl. I like guys, and you definitely are a guy."
      But I'm passive and seem to cry a lot. Sigh. I don't want to dispute what he said though. The first thing he said to me, 'I heard you're a good lay', was what most guys would like to say to girls they are attracted to. Of course guys learn real quick that that approach rarely works.
      Tony is squirming. Is he getting nervous by my silence?
      "Does it bother you when I get on top of you, or hold you down?" he asked.
      Yes I bothers me, because I like it so much, but I don't know why. I like it when he takes control. What does he really want from me?
      "Ben?"
      I looked at him driving. He glance at me with a questioning look. OK, let's see where this goes.
      "No, I like it when you get on top of me Tony. I like it a lot. But is that what you want? Does it bother you that I'm so passive?"
      "You're far from passive Ben! You let me know what you'll allow. But you respond intensely to what you do let me do. I'm amazed that I can turn you on so much."
      "Doesn't that scare you?" I asked.
      "Before we talked to Dr. Martin, yes. But now I see that it is just how you respond."
      "Sometimes I like being in control. But not much," I said.
      "You're very much in control Ben, like I said." He was glaring at the road and gripping the steering wheel tightly. He's angry? Oh, my limits on what we can do.
      "I didn't mean that Tony, I meant being on top."
      "Oh," he said relaxing. "You've been on top."
      I laughed, "Yeah, I remember the last time. I was on top, and I couldn't get up when my mother walked in!"
      He grinned.
      "But I didn't mind that much. I like being held by you Tony.
      "Do you like being held Tony?" I asked.
      "Well of course, but I feel you holding me all the time Ben."
      I don't think he understood what I meant. Oh well, I'll just have to remember to hold him, sometime, the way he holds me.
      Tony took the freeway exit that leads to my house. We are about ten minutes away now.
      "So what do you think about meeting another gay couple?" I asked.
      "That would be cool," he said. "Maybe they can clue us in to more words and stuff. Like I'd never heard the terms closeted or out. Also the top/bottom topic that seems to be bothering you."
      Hmm, top/bottom. I hadn't thought of it quite that way.
      I chuckled. "You'll probably embarrass the hell out of them, with that line of questioning. I couldn't believe how you just started out with Dr. Martin."
      He shrugged, "I thought that was what we were there for. It turned out OK didn't it."
      "Oh sure. It didn't answer everything, but at least we know we're normal. Uh, for who we are anyway," I said.
      "I don't know, she said you were pretty rare. Though I wish you were bare."
      I groaned, now he's getting silly. We traded grins at each other.
      He chucked, "Sorry, I get almost high, just talking with you."
      Man he's good with the complements!
      Tony pulled into my driveway. Hmm, only five minutes to get here. Oh well.
      "Would you like to come in?" I asked. Though I was ready to plead.
      "I have a lot of homework," he said, "well, maybe for a little bit," he added after looking at me.
       
      That night I thought more about the visit at the psychiatrist. and afterwards.
      Tony did come in and we said hi to my Mom. She asked how things went. I told her it was really useful. Also I told her that Dr. Martin may find an older gay couple for us to talk to. She seem a little surprised by this, sort of like she didn't like the idea. So I mentioned that Dr. Martin would probably talk to her about that more.
      Tony stayed about ten minutes. I wanted to get him into my bedroom, but there wasn't time. He had to get home to dinner. I walked him out and we had a wonderful kiss in the breeze-way. He left me feeling all weak and tingly.
      Sigh, I won't see him again until the weekend, because he has practice and homework. Friday nights are out too, with football games. Wait a minute, I can got to the game and see him play. I could see what he spends so much time doing. He must enjoy it.
       
      Thursday I was in my room before dinner.
      "Ben, Tony's on the phone," Mom called out.
      "Thanks." I ran to the phone in the kitchen.
      "Hi hot-stuff," I said into the phone. Tony better be the one I'm saying that to.
      "Hi lover-boy," he said. Whew. "How you doing?"
      "Fine," I said. I moved around the corner, into the other room, away from my Mom at the stove. I shut the door on the phone cord.
      "Have you heard from Dr. Martin?" he asked.
      "No. I guess she's pretty busy. It might be at least a week before we hear from her.
      "You all ready for the game tomorrow?" I asked
      "Yup, we'll probably beat them," he said.
      "Say Tony, would it be OK for me to come watch you play?"
      "Sure, but I didn't think that you liked football."
      "Well that was before . Now I have a boyfriend who plays football," who I want to see..., hee hee, this will get him, "and I would like to watch him run around the field getting sweaty with the other guys," I said, trying not to laugh into the phone. I heard him groan.
      "Are you blushing?" I asked.
      "No."
      "Yes you are, I can tell."
      "OK, OK. How am I going to be able to play, knowing you're thinking that, while you're watching me!"
      I chuckled. "I'm getting better at embarrassing you!"
      "And I know exactly how to get you back too," he said, with an evil sounding laugh.
      "Do you promise?"
      "Ah, you think you'll enjoy it. We shall see," he said, with another fake evil laugh.
      Whoops, now that I've got him going, how do I turn him off? Darn, I can't think of a come-back. Oh well, back to the football game.
      "What time does the game start?" I asked.
      "At 7:30. You'll probably want to get there before 7, if you want a good seat."
      I saw Mom motioning to me through the door's window. Oh dinner is ready. I nodded back.
      "I have to be there even earlier to warmup and get the last minute game plans," he said
      "OK. I'll be there. I need to go to dinner in a bit. Can I see you after the game?"
      "I don't know, I usually go out with the guys, especially after we win," he said. "But, that was before. It might not be work out that way now. I could give you a call around ten to let you know. Would that be too late?"
      "No, that'll be fine," I said. Not really, but it was better than nothing. "Well, I have to go."
      "OK, bye lover-boy."
      Hot-Stuff? No, something different. Ah.
      "Bye my boyfriend. I love you Tony."
      "I love you too Ben. Bye." <click>
      Whew. I can't wait till Friday night.
       
      At dinner I told Mom and Dad that I was planning on going to the game on Friday. Dad offered to go with me. At first I thought of saying no, but Dad driving us there would be a lot easier and warmer than riding my bike. Besides, I really didn't want to go alone.

      Friday, after a quick dinner, Dad and I left for the high-school. I'd never been to a game. It was pretty exciting with the stadium lights blazing. Even though we were there before 7pm, there was still quite a crowd. We found a place near the 50 yard line and up high enough to see over the heads of people walking around the side lines. The band would play some catchy pieces. But the trumpet was the funniest, when it would play 'charge,' and everyone was sort of obligated to yell "charge!" It was silly, but energizing.
      Finally it was 7:30. The home team stand was packed. The visiting team side was only about a third full. The players came running out. They introduced the players. I wondered if they always do that. I looked for Tony. I didn't see him till they called out his name and he waved. "18, Tony Meyers." I hardly recognized him. He was huge in the uniform. I felt a pang of love. That's the guy I care about. You other guys better not hurt him. Get a grip Ben, isn't that the whole point? After the introductions, the band played the national anthem and most people sang along.
      OK the game started. It was just like any other football game, but I noticed that I liked watching it live. I hate watching football on TV. Now what was different? Sure being in the crowd and hearing the band makes it more interesting, but there was something else. Well of course Tony was playing. So far I'd seen only one pass thrown towards him. A number of times I saw he was open, so why didn't they throw it to him? Maybe that's what's interesting, I'm can see the whole field and see where the ball doesn't go. TV only shows where the ball goes. There was a pile up that looked like it included Tony. They got up and there was a guy still laying there. Whew, not Tony. The guy was able to get up after a bit. The next play Tony caught a pass, and ran it up to 5 yards from the goal, before being tackled. They scored during the next play.
       
      The second quarter ended just after the other side kicked. Half time now. The band started marching out on to the field. Someone sat down beside me. I looked over. Dave! I jumped.
      "Hi Ben," he said, smiling.
      "Hi Dave." I leaned back. "Uh, this is my Dad. Dad this is Dave," I said to introduce them. Dad reached out and they shook hands.
      "Nice to meet you Dave," said Dad.
      "Nice to meet you sir."
      Dad stood up. "Would you like something to drink or eat Ben, or Dave?" he asked.
      Ah, he's leaving to let us talk. "Sure, I'll have a coke," I said.
      "No thanks," said Dave.
      He left.
      "It looks like your boyfriend is playing well tonight."
      "Dave! Shhh," I whispered. How loud did he say that? Could other's hear?
      Dave just shrugged. "Man you should hear Tony talk about you! You'd think he had found a greek god! Or in your case a goddess."
      I slugged him in the arm, but not too hard. How could he guess that's a sore topic with me.
      "Owww," he said. Then he gets a glint in his eye and a smirk. "So have you two fucked yet?" he whispered.
      What! That's all Dave thinks about, I guess. "Dave, you're so crude."
      He shrugged, "So I guess not yet, eh?"
      He's making me uncomfortable with this topic, with all these people around. I scanned around. Was anyone listening to us? Doesn't look like it. The crowd noise and the band seems to be masking our conversation well. Actually, I'd rather he go away. I looked at the band marching on the field.
      "Well I came over to invite you to ...tee," Dave said. I didn't catch the last word, because of the noise.
      "What?" I said, looking at him.
      "I said you're invited to a party. A special one tomorrow night at Dennis's," he said. He gave me a surprised look at my blank stare. "You haven't heard about Dennis's parties? Well ask Tony. I'm sure he has. Actually Tony has to come with you. Only couples are invited. Here's the address and the time." He handed me a piece of paper.
      "Huh, it's for gays," I whispered
      "Hardly!" he said.
      "Oh. Will you be there?" I asked.
      He nodded.
      Hmm, only couples. "So who are you with?"
      He just shrugged and grinned. "Come to the party and you'll see." Then he got a serious look leaned towards me, and whispered "Actually both of you really do need to be there, because there is some serious shit going on that involves you and Tony. There may be some help there."
      "What do you mean?" I asked, now feeling scared.

Chapter 5

      It's almost time for Tony to pick me up. I spent most of the day doing yard work. Raking leaves and mowing the lawn (again!). I thought about the party and how we should act. I'll talk with Tony on the way there. I figured we should act like two straight friends, until we figured out what was going on. Even if things are OK, we should still stay, low-key. I looked at a map to see how to get to the party. Since Tony was always driving us, I thought I would at least make it easier to get there.
      Tony arrived around 7:40. A little late, but it's probably not good to be the first ones at a party. I told Tony my ideas about how to act at the party. He agreed.
      When we got there, the whole block was full of parked cars, so we had to walk a block from where we parked. As we walked up to the large white two story house, we could hear loud music playing. Tony rang the door-bell. I hung back.
       
      The door opened with a blast of sound coming out. A tall skinny guy with medium length black hair, looked at us and scowled.
      "Yes? This is a closed party," he said, glaring at us.
      Tony nodded, "We were invited by Dave."
      "Dave who?"
      "Dave Harper."
      "Oh. What's your names?"
      "Tony and Ben"
      "Just a moment," he said, and he closed the door.
      "Hopefully Dave is here by now," Tony said to me.
      I nodded. This is starting to feel creepy though.
      The door opened after about a minute. Dave was there.
      "Tony, Ben, come on in," he said.
      "This is Dennis," he said, pointing to the tall skinny guy who had first opened the door.
      "Nice to meet you," we said.
      He kind of smirked back, "Nice to meet you two too.
      "I'll let you tell them the rules," he said to Dave. "Have fun," he said to us, and he disappeared into the dimly lit crowd of people dancing.
      A girl showed up at Dave's side, and grabbed his arm.
      "Oh, this is Patty," he said. "Patty, this it Tony and Ben."
      We nodded at her.
      "Let's go into the kitchen. It's quieter and you can get something to drink there."
      Dave lead us around the edge the crowd. I followed behind Tony.
      On the way there, I said, "Dave's got a girlfriend?" I was shocked.
      He shrugged. I guess he's not surprised.
      The kitchen had a swinging door, so it was a lot quieter. There was one other couple in the kitchen, which was huge. Dave went to a small table and the four of us sat down there.
      "I'm glad you guys could make it," Dave started.
      I just smiled and nodded.
      "What's this all about?" asked Tony. I chuckled inside, my always direct boyfriend.
      "First the rules," Dave smiled. "You can go most anywhere on the first floor of the house. You've seen the living room where the loud stuff goes. Then there's the family room, down the hall. It's quieter for, well, quiet activities. Upstairs is off-limits, unless you get permission directly from Dennis." He give us a wink.
      Oh, I'm sure, I'm thinking. "Where are the adults," I ask.
      Dave frowns. "Dennis's Dad is divorced. This is his house. So long as people follow the rules, and don't trash the place, then it's OK with him to throw these parties. His Dad does show up sometimes though.
      "There's a few more rules. No alcohol, or other drugs. Also only couples are invited. Usually that means male and female, but you guys are an exception."
      I felt my face get red. I looked at Patty to see her reaction to what Dave revealed about us. "Are we the only ones?" I asked.
      "No, there's a couple of girls, who are gay, here," Patty said to me.
      "Oh, yeah," Dave continued, "there's no telling anyone about what goes on here, or you won't be invited back. Also if there are any problems with people breaking the rules, Dennis calls the cops, and the party is over."
      "I don't understand. Why be so up-tight," said Tony. I nodded.
      "Well," Patty said, "mainly it's a place for couples to party, away from the drunk single guys that usually makes other parties so tense."
      "Why were you so insistent that we come here?" I asked Dave.
      "Well, people are still talking about Tony being gay, and I've overheard some guys, in the gym, talking about beating him up."
      I felt a twinge of fear. Tony just shrugged.
      Dave continued, "I think it's just talk, but after talking to Patty, she said it could help if more open-minded people, like those here, could meet you. Maybe they can help keep things quiet about you two, or at least keep other's from over-reacting."
      For some reason I don't think this is a good idea, but I'm not sure why. Hmm, we're essentially letting a bunch of people, who we don't know, know that we are gay. How do we know they're open minded? Ah, that's the problem.
      "How do we know the people here are open-minded?" I asked.
      Dave and Patty looked at each other. Dave shrugged. Great! They're not sure. I touched Tony's arm to get his attention.
      "Maybe we should leave," I whispered to Tony. "We don't know how accepting everyone is here."
      I think Patty heard part of what I whispered. She looked at me and said, "We can talk to Sue and Jan. Maybe they can let us know if they've had any problems since coming to these parties."
      So we all got up and headed back into the living room. The music was booming now. The room was dark enough so that it was hard to see people's faces on the other side of the room. As Tony and I passed by some people, we got a few stares. It looks like most everyone is paired up male/female, so we must stand out. Great! There must be some people talking in more same-sex groups. There's a group of guys over to the right, and there's some girls talking ahead. Whew. They're looking only because we're new here. Patty stopped at a stuffed chair on the other side of the room. A girl was sitting in the lap of another girl. Wow! The girl in the chair had short blond hair, while the other girl in her lap had shoulder length brown hair. They were looking at each other and talking, when Patty walked up. They both looked at her, and cupped their ears. Patty pointed to us. They nodded and got up.
      "This is Tony and Ben," I barely heard her say.
      "This is Sue," she said pointing to the blond girl, "and this is Jan."
      "Hi I'm Tony."
      "Hi, nice to meet you," I said, smiling at both of them.
      They both gave us a hug. Wow. That's nice.
      "Finally, someone else who can take the pressure off of us," said the blond girl. What was her name? Ah, Sue. Pressure? That doesn't sound good.
      "Actually that's what they were wondering about. Have you had more problems since coming here?" Patty asked.
      "No. I was kidding about the pressure. It's just that we stand out in this group, so it'll just be nice to have some company. Everyone is really nice to us, they just aren't sure what to say to us," said Sue, shrugging.
      "Why don't we sit down," she suggested.
      They sat down in the chair again with Jan on Sue's lap. Tony sat down on the couch next to the chair. He tried to pull me into his lap. No way, Tony. I sat down beside him.
      Sue smiled at me, but shook her head slightly.
      Patty sat next to me and Dave next to her.
      "I would not have told Patty to invite you two, if we did have problems," Sue explained. "It's nice to be at a party, sort of in public, and be able to just hug, with-out getting harassed."
      Yeah, I can relate to that, so I nodded. Tony put his arm around me and hugged me. I pulled back a little. Sigh, nice in theory. Old habits die hard.
      "When did you two start coming to these parties?" Tony asked.
      "The middle of summer," said Jan.
      "This is our fourth party. During the school year, there's only one party a month. But during the summer there could be two or three a month," said Sue.
      I was having a hard time hearing them with the loud music, so I sat back against Tony's arm. He rubbed my shoulder. I looked around. No one was really looking at us, so I relaxed into him a bit as I turned to look at Patty and Dave.
      "Nice party," I said, almost yelling to Patty, "A little loud though."
      She nodded, "The family room is much quieter. People don't talk much in there though."
      I nodded and smiled back at her joke.
      "So where did you and Dave meet?" I asked.
      "We're both in the orchestra. About two weeks ago, he finally caught my eye, and he asked me out."
      "What instrument do you play?"
      "The clarinet."
      I nodded. A dead-end topic for me. I like listening to classical music, but I know nothing about playing it.
      Dave said something to Patty. They talked for a while. I just sort of spaced out and listened to the music and watched the people dancing. It was just too loud to carry on a conversation, unless you were right next to the person you were talking to.
      A quiet slow piece of music came on. The gay girls got up and suggested we all dance. The others got up too. I stayed seated.
      "Come on Ben," Tony grinned, and grabbed my hand. I pulled back, shaking my head but smiling. The more talkative girl, Sue, grabbed my other hand and they pulled me up.
      "OK, OK," I said.
      Tony hugged me and we, started slow dancing. Thank goodness he wasn't doing the bump and grind into me! I looked around and saw a number of stares. No frowns, but a few raised eyebrows.
      The next piece was fast.
      "You ready?" Tony asked. Huh, Oh. He had moved away, and his hand slid down my arm till it caught my hand, then he pulled me to him with a twist, so that I spun up to him with his arm around me. Oh gee, here we go! The gay girls grinned at us and started swing dancing too.
      Now people are really looking at us! OK, at the end of this song, I'm quitting. Way to go Tony! I thought we were going to stay low-key!
      The music changed. I stopped and told Tony that I was thirsty. I headed for the kitchen. Whew, he followed. Dave and Patty followed too.
      We got more pop from the fridge. We talked to another couple and with Dave and Patty.
      "I don't believe you two are really gay," said the guy, "You act straight."
      "Didn't you see us dancing together?" I asked.
      "No." he shrugged.
      Dave grins. "So prove it Ben!"
      Tony wasn't paying attention, because he was talking to Patty and the guy's girlfriend. They were talking about rock groups that they liked.
      I waited for a pause. Then I whispered in Tony's ear. "I want you to kiss me."
      He looked surprised. "What, here?"
      I nodded towards the other guy looking at us. "Now."
      He glanced at the others, then he grinned back at me. "OK." I put my arms up around his neck. He started slow, well for about five seconds. Then he went in deep. I tried to block him with my tongue, but he was insistent, so I let him. He hit the spot and I pushed into him. When the wave passed, I pulled back, but he put his hand behind my neck and pushed me back up to him. I didn't respond as much this time, because I heard some people, yelling out "wow, you got to see this!"
      When he stopped I was still trembling and I held onto him to stay standing. I hid my face into his chest away from the people in the kitchen, but I saw there were a number of people looking in from the living room at us. Most were smiling and some were clapping their hands.
      "Wow Tony! I've never seen a kiss like that before," said Patty.
      "It's not me," said Tony, "he's the hot one!"
      I hugged him sharply. Quiet Tony, don't tell them everything! I want to be alone with him. This is too embarrassing. What was I thinking! I guess dancing with Tony loosened me up.
      Dave was laughing. "Now do you believe they're gay?" he said to the guy who questioned me.
      I pulled away, but still hung onto Tony. "Can we go sit down?"
      "Sure Ben."
      "We're going to go relax," Tony said to the others. He turned and took my hand to lead me out of the kitchen.
      "Have fun relaxing guys," Dave said. Oh brother, I rolled my eyes and looked at Patty. She nodded and slugged his arm. Hee, hee, she figured out what I was thinking.
      Tony took us through the dancing crowd in the living room. I tried to let go of his hand but he wouldn't let me. He took us to the family room, which was even dimmer than the living room. I waited for my eyes to adjust. There wasn't much space left. The two couches were full. All the chairs were full. There were two couples stretched out on the floor. Tony found an empty spot, on the floor, next to one of the couches. He sat down, then pulled me onto his lap. The couple near us stopped to look at us. I froze. They smiled at us and nodded, before they started making out some more, ignoring us.
      Tony rubbed my back. I looked at him. It felt like ages since I'd been able to look into his beautiful brown eyes. I sighed. He feels so good.
      "I love you Tony," I whispered into his ear. I put my hand on his chest and felt his nice firm pec muscles.
      "I love you too Ben," he said as he rubbed my back and hugged me closer to him. I just stayed there with my nose in his neck. My ears were still ringing from the loud music. This was so nice and relaxing after all that intense stuff in the other room.
      "You ready for another kiss," he asked.
      I pulled back to look into his eyes again. I nodded and stroked his cheek and moved my fingers through his dark curly hair. He kissed so softly this time. He moved his hands over my back and chest. I shivered. He broke the kiss and pulled back to look at me. We just grinned at each other, stroking our fingers through each other's hair. Tony squirmed under me.
      "Am I too heavy?" I asked.
      "Not yet, but we could shift around."
      "OK." What did he have in mind? He slide me over to the floor and laid down onto me. Mmm, this feels good. He put his hands on either side of my face.
      "You ready?" he asked.
      "I don't know Tony," I said. I wasn't ready to let loose here. The kitchen scene was almost too much. He kissed my lips and moved his tongue along them. He pulled back. I opened my eyes to look at him. He was studying my reaction. I smiled. So he continued. I felt myself getting hard. He pressed against me there. Then he went in deep with the kiss. I was responding, but I didn't want to do that here! I tried to turn away, but he held me there. I tried to shove him off of me but he wouldn't move. Stop Tony! I hit him on his back a little. Then I hit hard. He stopped.
      "What, the... Ben!" he sounded angry and was quickly moving off of me. I hung onto him, even though I was crying, trying to be quiet so others wouldn't hear. He rolled over so I ended up on top of him. I slid up so I could whisper in his ear. I took a deep breath to get control. His hands were at his sides. Oh crap, I can smell his anger and feel him tense under me. I like him to be aggressive with me, but it's too embarrassing.
      "I'm sorry Tony, it's too embarrassing for me here."
      "When won't it be embarrassing Ben!" he said angrily.
      "I'm sorry." I could feel him becoming more distant. I've got to make love to him soon. He's going crazy. And I don't want to loose him. But not here. I got control pretty quickly, because he was just laying there.
      "I have to go to the bathroom," he said to me coolly. I got off of him. He didn't even look at me when he got up and walked out of the room. I scooted back to the wall and next to the side of the couch. I put my arms around knees and put my head on my knees. Don't cry, don't cry, hold it down. Whew. I held it in. I tried to not think. A number of minutes passed. I listened to the music and the couples making out around me.
      "Are you OK Ben," a girl's voice said. I looked up and saw Patty. She sat down beside me. "I saw Tony. He looked, ang..., uh upset," she said.
      I nodded. She tentatively reached out to rub my shoulder.
      "Are you gay," I asked her. That just popped into my head.
      She shrugged. "I guess some would say I'm bi." She rubbed my back.
      "You want to talk?" she asked quietly.
      "Sure." I collected myself. OK not too much detail. I don't really know her. I looked at her.
      "What was Tony upset about?" she asked.
      "Well we were kissing and it was too intense for me, but he wouldn't stop, so I hit him. Not hard, but..." I'm always stopping him. I looked away, then looked back and shrugged.
      She nodded, "That kiss in the kitchen looked plenty intense. You left pretty quick. Was it embarrassing?"
      I nodded, "He always wants to do more and I'm always stopping him."
      "But why? Dave's said that Tony only talks about you when they talk. He told Dave that he's really in love with you."
      "I guess I'm afraid that's all we'll do, once we start."
      She laughed. "I'm sure! I've known guys who say they would like to make love all night. They might last ten minutes, if they really try."
      "Bet I could last an hour," I smiled.
      She rolled her eyes. "You guys are hopeless!
      "Well I can understand why you wouldn't want him to do more than kissing in here," she said.
      I nodded. She doesn't need to know more.
      "But that's all they were doing," said the girl at the end of the couch. "I was looking, sorry," she said to me.
      I just nodded at her and shrugged, but I felt my face flush.
      Patty was giving me a surprised look. I could tell she was getting ready to probe deeper. I needed to change the subject. I moved closer to Patty, away from the girl on the couch.
      "Do I know you from somewhere? You look familiar to me," I asked.
      She laughed, "I wondered if you had noticed. In the lunch yard quad, you would sit near where Jan, Sue, and I would usually sit."
      "Oh, now I remember the three of you! Everyone looks so different here."
      "We were wondering what was going on with you and Tony. He showed up one day, then the next week he's yelling at you. We realized then, that you both were probably gay, but it looked like we were seeing the end of your relationship. We wanted to talk to you, but when you showed up again at lunch, you seemed to not want anyone to approach you. Then I met Dave and he told me about you and Tony. That's when I said he needed to invite you two here, because Jan and Sue have told me, many times, how lonely it can be."
      "Wow! That's amazing," I said. "When you first saw Tony, that's when he asked me out."
      "Ah," she said.
      "How old are you?" I asked.
      "18"
      "So you like younger guys?"
      "Oh, Dave?" she leaned over and whispered, "I think it's just sex between me and Dave." She sat back. "He's sweet, but he's not ready to commit to anyone."
      I nodded sadly and looked away.
      "He hurt you?"
      "Huh?" I said, looking back at her. What does she know?
      "Dave told me that he fooled around with you and Tony. It's OK with me."
      I relaxed. "He was my first."
      "Ah, so that's why there's tension between you two."
      We sat quietly for a few minutes. Amazing. There was a gay couple, right next to me all those times at lunch, and I never noticed. All of this talking about relationships and Tony was making me warm. Where's Tony? Has he left me here?
      "Did you see where Tony went?" I asked.
      "He was talking with me and Dave. That's why I came to you. He's probably still talking to Dave."
      "I hope he doesn't leave me here."
      "I don't think that'll happen. He looked more hurt than angry," she said.
      "I was thinking about your holding back," she said. "Could it be more than what you said?"
      More? I shrugged. "I don't know. Sex isn't love."
      "That's true, but sex can show how much you care about someone."
      "But what if he doesn't care as much back?"
      "Then you'll at least know, and go from there."
      "Actually, I think I'm afraid of scaring him off by opening up too much."
      "Really?" she said. "I think you're afraid to take a chance, and let him get closer to you."
      Ouch, that hurt. Maybe it's true. "I did that once. I felt myself completely giving in to him, but it scared us both. We even talked to a psychiatrist about it, and she said there was no problem."
      "I know what you mean Ben, that feeling of giving-in, it's really wonderful," she said. She sighed and sat back against the wall. "Now I know why I'm attracted to gay guys, they seem to understand things from a girl's point of view."
      She's attracted to me! I swallowed and pulled away.
      "It's OK Ben," she said "I know you're with Tony."
      She must have seen my surprised look, but I hope she didn't noticed my interest in her. That would make things too confusing.
      "Why don't we go find him?" she said.
      Yes! I leaped up.
      Patty chuckled.
      "What?" I asked.
      "It's so cute, the way you brightened up."
      What can I say. "Is he in the kitchen?"
      "Maybe. Let's go see." She held out her hand for me to help her up. She lead the way, still holding my hand!
      The sound of the living room hit me like the air was thick. Man, what a sound system! I could feel the bass in my body. We got to the kitchen. There was Dave and Tony, talking with some other people. Tony's back was to me. Dave saw Patty approaching. Tony looked around.
      "I have someone here for you Tony," Patty said as pulled me up to Tony. He smiled at me. She whispered something in his ear. His grin disappeared and he nodded. Then she pushed me over to him. He put his arm around me, and hugged me to his side. I put my arm around him too and hugged back.
      He leaned over, "Hi lover-boy," he whispered in my ear.
      "Hi hot-stuff," I whispered back in his ear.
      Hmm, "What did she say to you?" I asked.
      He tensed up. "I'll tell you later."
      "I'm sorry Tony. Things seem OK here."
      "No, I'm the one who is sorry. I shouldn't have got carried away."
      I looked at him and he looked back. We just stood there looking into each other's eyes. Time seemed to stand still.
      "Aren't they cute?" Patty said.
      "Uh, yeah," replied Dave.
      I looked down.
      "Jealous?" she asked him. "You could of had either of them," she said more quietly.
      "I did, have them. Now I have you." he replied. I looked at them. He was smiling at her and she was smiling back.
      "Aww, aren't they cute?" I said to Tony. He busted up laughing. So did Dave and Patty, who hugged each other.
      "Let's dance some more," I said to Tony. "Just regular dancing, OK?"
      "Sure sweetie." he whispered. "Let's go."
      We danced on and off for about two hours. People were not looking at us as much by the end of the evening. Guys seemed to keep their distance. But a number of girls talked to us, mostly to Tony, I noticed. A few times I pulled him away to dance some more. We left after setting a date to go out with Dave, Patty, Sue and Jan next Saturday. Everyone thought a movie would be fun.
      On the way home. I asked Tony, "What did Patty say to you?"
      "When?"
      "In the kitchen when she whispered to you."
      "Oh, ah." He griped the steering wheel. "She said, 'You be nice to him or I'll try to take him from you.'" He squirmed.
      Sigh, I don't want to go down that path. Why did I bring it up! Be careful with what you say Ben. Let him know that you only want him.
      "She can't compete with a fox like you," I said.
      "Oh? I didn't know there was a competition."
      Shit! I said the wrong thing. What should I have said? What can I say? Stall.
      "I didn't think there was either. I love you Tony."
      Silence. I looked at him. He was just concentrating on the road. I couldn't tell what he was thinking. He didn't seem angry, but he didn't look too happy either.
      "Are you interested in girls, Ben?"
      That was the question that I didn't wanted to answer. If I lie, it needs to be a quick 'no,' or else it won't be believed. But I can't do that. I've delayed too long now. So I have to tell the truth. But I don't know how I really feel or if I want to try girls. Even that seems too threatening to say to Tony. What if I admit that I am, a little, but let him know that I'm far more attracted to him. He might reply with, 'so I might leave him for a girl.' But what's to stop him from leaving me for another guy? That seems logical. I'm taking too long! Say something.
      "I guess I'm attracted to girls, sometimes. But right now, I'm only attracted to you," I said. Not quite true, since I had a moment of attraction to Patty. But I would never give up Tony for her.
      "What about later? Wouldn't you want to see what you are missing?"
      Not quite the response I expected, but maybe I can modify my reply.
      "For me to want to go with a girl, or guy, is just as likely as for you to go out with another guy."
      "So you would leave me." he said angrily.
      What did I say? This is turning into a full scale fight! I don't want to fight with him. Tears were forming. Stop being a cry-baby Ben. That's not going to help. Words aren't helping either. OK show him.
      Maybe we could park for a bit. I looked around. We were nearing the bottom of a canyon. No houses were around. And this street didn't seem very busy.
      "Can we park and talk Tony?"
      "Here?"
      "Sure. It looks like there's a wide part of shoulder there at the bottom."
      He sighed. But he slowed down and pulled off at the spot I pointed out. I was not planning on talking anymore.
      He shut the car off. I unbuckled my seat belt and turned to look at him. He was just staring ahead. I trembled a little. I didn't want to loose him. He'll get anything he wants from me now. I'll do anything for him.
      "I love you, Tony."
      He looked at me. I scooted closer to him.
      "I love you too Ben."
      I moved closer and touched my hand to his shoulder. He didn't pull away. Whew. I moved quickly to him, to hug him. He put his arms around me. I wanted to say something, but I forced myself to stay quiet. I put my right hand on his cheek to turn him to kiss me, and I kissed him. He wasn't responding much. I pushed my tongue into his mouth. He held me tighter. Ah, he's responding to me by moving into my mouth. I pressed up to him and gave him easy access to the spot. I moved my hand down to rub his chest and down to his stomach and back up to his chest. OK, it's now or never. I moved my hand down his chest and side and then to his front, between his legs. I tried to feel for his dick. He jumped, his hand pulled my hand away, and he pulled back from kissing me.

Chapter 6

      During breakfast, Sunday morning, Dad asked me how the party went. I told them that it was really fun. There was dancing and snacks. And Dave has a girlfriend, Patty. She's nice. Mom did a double-take at that news. Maybe she's hoping that would happen to me too. I also told them that we met another gay couple. Girls named Sue and Jan. Everyone there didn't seem bothered by us. There was some staring, but there didn't seem to be any hostile reactions. Of course I didn't tell them about the make-out stuff, or about the cop.
      Dad commented that it sounded like I was making some new friends. I agreed and said that we might get together next Saturday. Another party? he asked. No. I had to explain that they only have the party about once a month. We were planning on going to a movie.
      I almost asked to if Tony could sleep over, but I didn't want to ask both of them together, and Cathy was there.
      Dad went out to the garage. Cathy went to her room. And Mom was clearing the table and started washing the dishes. OK maybe now.
       
      I carried some dishes into the kitchen. Mom was at the sink washing.
      "You know, I was thinking," I started, "you had said that I should wait if it was too embarrassing to talk about. Well Tony and I have waited and I'm not embarrassed to say that I want to make love with Tony." She didn't seem to hear me. OK, I'll add more.
      "I'd like to sleep with him and feel him put his penis in..."
      "Ben!" she said sharply. "That's enough," she said more quietly.
      She turned around. Her face was red. "Let's go sit down."
      She wiped her hands off on the dish towel as she lead us into the dining room. We sat down.
      "What you're talking about is personal. It's between you and Tony. I didn't mean for you to describe, in detail, what you want, to get permission."
      She sat looking away.
      "I should apologize Ben, for what I did when Dave came over here. I didn't have to confront you when I did. It must have been embarrassing for you and Dave. I meant to embarrass you, but I can see now that it's something that should be kept private."
      "It's OK Mom. Things seem to be working out." Hmm, get her while she's feeling guilty? She just looked at me. It's not right. But I want Tony so bad. Ben, you're going to miss your chance, say it!
      "So, can Tony spend the night sometime?" I asked. Darn, did I say it too quietly. She didn't say or do anything. Did she hear me?
      I looked down, I can't ask again. Even if she says no, we'll figure out a way. He has a car, after all. We just need to find a place where the cops won't show up. Hmm, I could mention the cop incident. Nope. Then I'd have to explain why and where we were parked.
      "OK Ben," she said, "I'll discuss it with your father."
      All-right! That's almost a yes.
      "Thanks, Mom."
      She got up and stroked her hand across my hair. I looked up and she had a sad kind of smile. Then she went back into the kitchen. What was that about? Now I just need to wait. Maybe I can wait a day, before mentioning it again.

      After dinner, on Monday I was helping clear the table.
      "Your Dad and I talked about Tony spending the night," she said. "And he said it was OK with him. But not on a school night. So he can stay over on any Friday or Saturday night."
      Yes! All-right! "Thanks Mom." I was really grinning. Already I was starting to think about what I'll tell Tony. "Uh, would this Saturday be OK?"
      "Sure. Your Dad and I can go out that evening and you know Cathy won't be around."
      "That sounds good! I need to ask Tony, to see if he's free then."
      Ah but when. I could tell him over the phone. But I want to see his face. Actually I want to do more than that.
       
      He called later that night. I couldn't hold it in.
       
      "What are you doing Saturday night?" I asked him.
      "I thought we were going to a movie with, Dave, Patty, and her friends."
      "Yes, but what about after the movie?"
      "Well I could come over to your place for a while."
      "What about after that?"
      "Ben what's going on? You want to continue what we started in the car?"
      "Of course, but how would you like to continue, in my room, all night?"
      "Uh, OK. But what about your parents?"
      "They said it's OK for you to spend the night. I asked them."
      Tony gasped. "You asked them! They know what we're going to do?"
      "Well not in detail, but I'm sure they can guess we won't be sleeping the whole time."
      "I don't believe this."
      "So, are you going to see if you can spend the night on Saturday?"
      "Oh sure, what am I going to say? 'Can I sleep over at Ben's on Saturday?' Then they'll ask, 'Why? What's wrong with your bed?' 'Well it doesn't have Ben in it, for one thing!'
      I busted up laughing. "Oh, I dare you."
      "I'm serious Ben. What can I say?"
      He's right. "I guess you are a little old for a sleep-over," I said.
      "We've got to come up with something," I said. Think Ben. Let's see he drank too much alcohol, so shouldn't drive. Nope. I haven't known him to drink, he would get into trouble for drinking, and that would only work as an excuse that night. Hmm. He was partying or watching movies on TV at my place, until very late, so he's too tired to drive home. Nope. Another last minute excuse. Hmm. My parents were going to be gone Saturday night and he would keep me company. Well Mom said they would go out that evening. That's almost true. Ah, half-truths tend to work well.
      "How about this Tony. My Mom said that they could go out that evening. Maybe you could say it would be for the whole night. And that you would stay with me to keep me company, because I'm so young."
      He laughed, "You? Young? That might work if you were 12 years old!"
      Hmm. "Well you could take a year off of my age. And you could mention that our house was burglarized, so I didn't like being alone."
      "That's starting to sound more believable," he said. "Remind me not to play poker with you. I would never know when you were bluffing."
      "Sure you would. You always seem able to read me. Besides," I whispered, "you will be poking me."
      "Oh man, Ben, uh, OK." He was sputtering.
      I laughed. He had to be blushing big time. "What's wrong Tony?"
      He coughed. "I'm not used to you talking like that."
      "Why is it making you hard." I don't believe I said that!
      "Oh Ben," he said groaning.
      "What?"
      "Do we have to wait till Saturday?"
      I sighed. "I don't see how else. My Mom said you could sleep over on any non-school night."
      "You're kidding. I can sleep over there on any Friday or Saturday night?"
      Oh my god! She did say that. This isn't just one time! Now I'm feeling hot.
      "Wow, that hadn't occurred to me! It sounds like you could. Oh wow!"
      "We'll have to make you a real trauma case to manage that," he said
      "Huh?"
      "Your parents aren't going to be able to go out every weekend night."
      "Oh, yeah. Well, we'll think of something."
      "This is so cool, Ben."
      I heard the phone muffled. "OK" I heard.
      "I have to get off the phone now. Talking too long I guess," he said.
      "Actually, I don't know how you can talk like you do, without anyone hearing," I said.
      "Well, my room is a long ways from the living room where my parents spend most of their time watching TV."
      "Ah."
      "Well I'll talk to you later Ben."
      "OK, bye hot-stuff."
      "Bye lover-boy."
       
      The week dragged by. Dave called Tony and they planned what movie we would go see and when we would go. They figured it would be fun to go for pizza before the movie. I told Tony that it did sound like fun, because we were going to Shakeys Pizza, where they have old Laurel and Hardy movies playing.
      Tony picked me up at 5pm on Saturday. Mom and Dad told us to have a nice time and that they wouldn't be back till real late, probably after 2am. Nothing was said about Tony spending the night. Whew. It was embarrassing for me to talk about it. As we drove there I kept looking at Tony. Tonight's the night, I kept thinking. He had obviously showered just before coming over, because his hair was still slicked back and wet. But I could see the curly locks starting to spring out as it dried.
      After looking at him for the tenth time, he said "What? Is there a spot on my shirt?"
      "No. I'm just looking at how handsome you are."
      "Who Me? You're the cute one Ben," he said, glancing at me. He put his hand out and stroked my cheek. Mmm, he really knows how to make me feel good. I took his hand and held it to my cheek for a moment, then I turned and sucked on the tip of his index finger, licking the tip. Tony looked at me surprised. He yanked his hand away, back to the steering wheel.
      "Whoooh!" He jerked the car back into our lane.
      "Sorry," I said.
      "That's OK. Man, you're one horny dude!"
      I chuckled. But I noticed he keep both hands on the wheel the rest of the way there. That was probably a safe move.
      He parked and we walked in to Shakeys. It was dim as we looked around for the others.
      "There's the love-birds," I hear Dave yell out. Jeeze Dave, spell it out for everyone here! Actually, there was only one other group of people in here, and they seemed to be having a party.
      We went over to their table. I saw Patty was glaring at Dave. He was ignoring her look. Sue and Jan were sitting across from each other as were Dave an Patty. They separated, so Tony and I sat in the middle, across from each other too. Hmm, boy, girl, boy. We almost looked like three straight couples.
      "So, what were you doing, when the cop pulled up behind you?" Dave said to me. Oh god, I thought this was going to be fun.
      "Oww," Dave said, looking at Patty.
      I looked at Tony.
      He looked at me. "I didn't tell him anything. Just that a cop hassled us when we parked."
      I smiled at him and nodded. Tony rubbed his foot beside mine.
      "So what happened Ben?" Sue asked.
      "Oh, not much. We were making out and a cop pulled up behind us," I said. "He frisked us and gave Tony a drunk driver test."
      Sue was shaking her head.
      "What are you doing Tony? Ben keeps squirming," asked Jan.
      "His hands are on the table," chuckled Sue. "Where's his foot?"
      Jan looked. "He's only touching Ben's foot."
      "That's nothing. Watch this," said Tony. "Take your off your shoes Ben."
      "Why?"
      "You'll see."
      Sigh, he's up to something. I took my shoes off. Tony took his off too. He started rubbing my feet with his feet. It felt relaxing. He just looked at me and smiled. OK I'll stare back. He tried the underside of my foot. I'm not ticklish there, so it felt good. I grinned back at him.
      "Oh, I forgot something," Tony said. He took my right hand with both of his hands. He stroked the palm. He was rubbing my foot in sync. with my hand. Mmm, that feels nice.
      "Guess where I'm spending the night?" Tony asked them. He kept rubbing my hand and feet. I was getting warm.
      "Where?" asked Patty.
      "In his bed," he said, looking at me still.
      "No way!" said Dave.
      Tony nodded, grinning at me.
      I felt my face flush. I lost my grin. I shivered. He was stroking my hand in rhythm to my trembling. This is turning me on. Oh! That's what he's doing!
      "OK, I give," I said, looking away from him and pulling my hand away. I didn't realize he could do that to me so easily.
      "Wow!" said Sue.
      Dave scratched his head and shrugged. "I don't get it. It just looked like he was about to cry."
      Patty just shook her head at him.
      Tony was still touching my feet with his.
      "You OK Ben?" Tony whispered to me.
      I looked at him. He had a concerned look. He was probably afraid that I was upset with him. I smiled at him and nodded.
      "I'm fine," I said. I rubbed his feet with mine.
      Patty leaned over and whispered something in Dave's ear.
      "You're kidding." he said. He was giving me a surprised look.
      "OK, my turn," I said to Tony.
      He just chuckled. "Sure." He held out his hand.
      I took it and started stroking the palm of his hand and his feet. We looked at each other. He was just grinning at me. I could tell that he was determined that I would not have any effect on him. OK! I moved my right foot up between his legs. He got a surprised look and squirmed when my foot pressed at his crotch and I moved my toes onto where I thought the top of his dick was. The girls started giggling.
      "Hey! He's cheating," said Dave. "His foot is in Tony's lap!"
      We all busted up laughing then. I kept my foot pressing on Tony, because I could feel his hard dick now. He pressed forward at my foot while we laughed. I rubbed the top of it with my toes. He pulled his hand from me and grabbed the edge of the table.
      "Uh, Ben!"
      "Yes Tony?" I said as I wiggled my toes some more.
      "You little prick tease," he said smiling.
      I did a mock frown at him. "That'll be the last time you'll be able to say that. Wait till tonight!"
      Sue said, "I don't think they'll be able to make it through the movie."
      Oh crud. I moved my foot down. Two hours of only sitting next to Tony. I looked at Tony with raised eyebrows.
      "You still want to go Ben?"
      "To the movie?"
      "Yes."
      "If you want to go, I'll be glad to go."
      "That's what I was going to say," said Tony.
      "Oh, come-on, go home and have some fun, you two. Forget the movie," said Patty.
      I started to get up.
      "Not now!" she said laughing, and pushing me back down. "Eat some pizza first."
      I laughed and pretended that I was only pretending to go. But I really was ready to go.
      Tony and I were not very sociable for the rest of the time there. The conversation was about rock groups, that I didn't know about or about movies, that I hadn't seen. Occasionally they would poke Tony and me to get us to pay attention. But that only worked for a few minutes. Finally the two pizzas arrived. Tony and I ate like we were starved. I only ate two pieces, but Tony ate like half of a large pizza.
      Finally Tony was done. He nodded to me and we made motions to go. We wished them a good time at the movie, and they wished us a good time. Dave whispered something to Tony, who nodded back at Dave. I decided I was not going to ask what Dave said. I had learned that lesson!
       
      We arrived at my house around 6:30pm. We went in to the main house, because I had to go to the bathroom. Mom and Dad were gone.
      "Would you like something to drink?" I asked Tony.
      "No thanks, I'm stuffed."
      "I have to make a pit-stop," I said.
      I went to the bathroom. As I sat there concentrating, I heard Tony turn the stereo on and search for a radio station. Guess I only needed to pee.
      I came out and heard that he had selected a quiet easy-listening kind of station. When I came into the room, he stood up.
      "Care to dance?" he asked.
      Seeing him standing there, just waiting for my reply, gave me such a strong feeling of love for him. I nodded and walked up to him. We held each other and only slowly moved to the music. I tried to hold him closer.
      "I love you so much Ben."
      "I love you too." I hugged him tighter.
      "I always want to be with you. I feel lost when you're not around," he said.
      I rubbed his back. Me too. I didn't feel like talking much. Just feeling him against me was enough for now.
      "I was thinking about college," he said.
      College! He's talking about leaving!
      "I couldn't go to one away from you," he said. Whew.
      "So I figured out a plan. I'll try to get into the UC here, or I'll go to a JC. Then we can pick a college that we can both go to when you graduate the next year."
      I hadn't even thought that far ahead. He's so thoughtful.
      "That sounds great," I said. "What are you thinking of majoring in?"
      "Something with chemistry. I'm not sure exactly. It doesn't matter too much the first year, because there's a number of general ed. classes that could be taken at any college."
      I nodded.
      "What do you think you want to do?" he asked me.
      Sigh. I want to make love to you Tony, not talk, right now. I shrugged.
      "I don't know. Maybe electrical engineering."
      "So we'll need to look for an engineering school," he said.
      I nodded. I pulled back to looked into his eyes. I moved my hands up and ran my fingers through his hair at the back of his head. He grinned at me.
      "OK, I know. Let's talk about this later," he said.
      I grinned back at him and move forward to kiss him. We started slow, but he then pressed in hard and we kissed like this would be our last kiss ever. He started licking at that spot, hard and fast. I was trembling in rhythm to him. He pulled back when he felt me relax after a peak. I hugged him tight.
      "I want to be with you forever," I said.
      "Then we will be," he replied.
      We stood there hugging and swaying to the music for a while. I was just thinking about how nice he felt. But I was getting tired of standing. When are we going to bed? Should I make the first move?
      "Would you like to go to my room now, Tony?"
      He rubbed my back and hugged me. "Sure."
      I held his hand and lead him to my room. This feels like a dream. After turning on the light and closing the door, I turned to him.
      "Now what?" He said, as he put his hand on my shoulders. I just looked up at him and started unbuttoning his shirt. He smiled and started on my shirt. I've never seen him without his shirt off. I got to the bottom button and pulled the shirt out of his pants to get the last button. He was slower on my shirt. I opened his shirt and felt his smooth white chest. He has very little chest hair. I felt and looked at his pecs. They look nice and firm. I saw his nipples. Wow! They are large and dark. Mine are small and pink. I moved my thumbs over them.
      He went, "Mmmm."
      I looked up at him. He was still concentrating on my buttons. I took over and pulled my shirt out, undid the last button, and took it off. He took his shirt off too. He stroked my chest. I started on his pants. I want to see him completely naked. He got my belt undone. I used my heels to take my shoes off. Tony sat down on the bed to take his shoes off. While he did that I took off everything, socks, pants, and underware. Tony paused to look at me, especially at my hard dick.
      "Hurry up Tony," I said. He really started moving now.
      I watched carefully as his took his pants off. Yup, he was hard. It was pointing straight up. I heard him chuckle. I looked up to see that he was looking at me.
      "Like what you see?" he said.
      I nodded, grinning. I moved up to him and hugged him. Wow, there is so much bare skin touching. He feels so warm and smooth. We started to kiss, but he stopped.
      He bent down, and put his arm behind my knees and picked me up in his arms. I put my arms around his neck. He turned and laid me on the bed. His strength impressed me. That gave me an idea, as he was moving onto the bed. He moved towards me, but I put my hand to his shoulder and held him back.
      He's giving me a confused look. I just smiled at him.
      "What's going on Ben?" he asks.
      "You know when you kissed me at the party and I made you stop."
      He looked away. "Yes. Are you saying we should stop?"
      I laughed. "No, but I just realized that I like you to be aggressive with me, but only when we're alone."
      He looked back at me. "Oh" He looked at my hand. He made a grab for it. I quickly moved it out of his reach. I'm not going to make it that easy. He started to lunge at me. I used my feet to push him off of the bed.
      He hung on to my foot to keep himself from going completely off.
      "Wait a minute Ben. I don't want to wrestle right now. One of us could get hurt."
      I looked disappointed.
      "Tell you what, I'll teach you how to wrestle, another time, so that we won't hurt each other." He was moving up onto the bed.
      "OK," I said.
      "But, I'm bigger than you, so I'll probably win most of the time."
      "Ah, but maybe that's what I want."
      He had climbed over me. I was on my back and he was sitting across my thighs.
      "Just when I think I have you figured out, you throw something new at me. You're one complex guy," he said to me.
      Oh?
      "That's one of the things I love about you." he leaned down and kissed me. He sat back up and looked down at me. I stroked his chest with my hands. He look down at my penis and took a hold of it with his hand. I moved my hand down to grab him. He pushed my hand away.
      "No, it's my turn now."
      He scooted down and licked the head of my dick. I couldn't help but put push up at him. He moved down and took more of it in. Wow, that's nice and warm. He moved up and down. I looked at him with his mouth around me. He was moving too fast, so I ran my fingers through his hair and held his head to slow him down. I jumped when he came up and licked and sucked on the head. He did that again. I groaned.
      He stopped and scooted up. I stroked his chest. He grabbed my wrists and held them down.
      "Got you now," he said.
      "Yes you do, and anything you want."
      He kissed me deep. Then he stopped and moved down to lick and kiss my nipples. It tickled, but didn't do much for me. Hmm, I guess every part of me isn't an orgasm zone. He moved down and sucked the head of my penis for a short time. Then he moved up and kissed me deep again, hitting my hot spot. He was still holding my arms. He moved his bare chest on me. I could feel his hard dick pressing against me. I've never felt so hot. Now I know where that term comes from. It wasn't just my face that was feeling hot, but my whole body was burning up. He pulled back from kissing.
      "Please Tony...," I said. Please let me go so I can touch your penis and get you so turned on that you'll fuck me.
      "Please what Ben?" he said smiling. He licked my lips. "What do you want Ben?"
      "You know."
      He just smiled at me. So I made humping motions, up at him, with my hips. He grinned more.
      "So what do you want?"
      "I want to feel you in me Tony."
      He just looked at me smiling, and he gave me a quick kiss. Then he sat up again and looked at me.
      "Please Tony..."
      He grinned. "Yes, Ben?"
      Ah, he wants me to beg for it. Maybe to get back at me for making him wait. OK, if he won't let me touch him, I'll get him hot with words.
      "I want to feel your hard penis in me." I pushed my hips up at him and tried to wiggle against him.
      He nodded.
      "I want to feel you sliding in and out of me."
      His smile was fading and being replaced by a look of lust.
      I whispered, "I want you to fuck me Tony. Please fuck me. I want to feel you cum in me." He is breathing more heavily, and he's pushing himself into my crotch.
      "Now Ben?" he asked. He's hesitating. Why?
      "Don't you want to Tony?"
      "Yes, ever since I first saw you Ben. But I don't want to hurt you."
      "I'll let you know if you do."
      "I've never done it before," he said. "Dave made it sound so easy, but tonight he told me to be careful, to go slow. So I'm trying to go slow."
      This is agonizing. I know Dave, he didn't mean make love slowly, he meant, push it in slowly at the start. No wonder Tony is taking his time. It's great, but I can't wait any more.
      "I think he meant, when you push into me, to go slow at the start so that I can relax."
      His eyes got wide. "Oh."
      "I really do want you," I said.
      "OK, what do we do," he said. Now he seemed to be getting excited again.
      "Well, there's some vasoline on the night stand. And a towel."
      He looked over there, then back at me.
      He let go of my arms and rolled me over. Huh? How does he know this is the position I would want? Oh, Dave had told him 'details.' Tony reached over and grabbed the jar of vasoline.
      He scooped a glob out of the jar. He put his hand on my left cheek and pulled it to the side. He put the vasoline right on my hole. He smoothed it around with his fingers. The tip of a finger pushed in a little. I pushed back.
      "Yes," I whispered. I closed my eyes and focused on his finger sliding in me. I pushed back onto his finger. I was tight. He moved it around. I tried relaxing.
      "Try two fingers Tony."
      He pushed another one in beside the first one. Ah, now I can feel myself relaxing.
      "I'm ready Tony."
      "OK Ben." He took his fingers out. "Should I put some on me too."
      "Sure."
      I just laid there and felt him move on my thighs, while he added vasoline onto himself. Any minute now and he's going to be in me.
      "OK, ready?"
      I nodded. He put his knee between my legs. Oh yeah. I spread my legs apart. I felt his penis move into my crack. He moved it up and down, till it was on my hole.
      "Is that it?" he asked.
      "Yes," I whispered and nodded. This is it. I pushed back onto him and I tried to push out hard so that I would be relaxed. He moved forward and the head popped in. "Ouch!" I jumped.
      "Are you OK," he asked.
      "It hurts a bit," I groaned. "Maybe pull out, then go in again."
      He pulled out and started to get off of me.
      "No Tony, put it back in, now. Please."
      "Oh."
      He moved back and pushed in slower. I just concentrated on relaxing and forced myself to not push up to him. Now he slid in slowly. Ah, that feels good. Now I pushed my hips up to get more of him in me.
      "That feels good now Tony. Keep going."
      He slide in more until I felt his belly against my butt.
      "Oh Ben, you feel so good."
      He laid down on me. His weight made me feel secure and safe. And he was so warm. He pushed into me with short humping motions.
      "Oh yes, Tony," I whispered, "fuck me." He started moving in and out more. He held my bent arms to my sides and held my hands.
      "I want to make this last Ben. You feel so good."
      I couldn't talk any more. I just concentrated on the feeling of him moving in and out. I concentrated on his breathing and his rhythm. I could feel him push in hard, then stop to get control. Then he would go some more. He was starting to sweat. I was too.
      He put his mouth to my ear. I heard his heavy panting.
      "I love you Ben," he whispered loudly in my ear.
      "I love you too," I said, while pushing my hips up to meet his thrusts. He was going faster now, and not pausing. I was feeling the waves of pleasure building in me. What will push me over? He's breathing, his weight on me, his slippery body moving on my back as he squeezes my arms to my sides. That's it! I concentrated on his body sliding on my back and his thrusting in and out of me. I was trembling now. He was noticing and thrusting in rhythm to my trembling, or was I matching his rhythm? Stop thinking Ben, and just feel him. I concentrated more. That's it, I felt the wave of pleasure hit and the roaring in my ears.
      I was still trembling from that orgasm. Tony was still going. He was moving very fast now. I felt more waves of pleasure, but I wanted to feel when Tony came. He was now kind of grunting and really pushing into me hard. It felt so good. Oh wow, I'm cumming! Really cumming, because I could feel the sperm shooting out of me. Tony pushed in deep and kept pushing in with sharp thrusts. Ah, he must be cumming. He went rigid on my back. I felt his penis throbbing in me.
      He collapsed on me, limp and breathing heavily. Ah, this moment is almost as good as any orgasm. I just laid there feeling him breathing on me. Our bodies were dripping wet. My ass felt nice and warm. I grinned, that well-fucked-feeling was there. I trembled with the feelings.
      "Mmmm, 'you OK Ben?" Tony asked. He was still a little out of breath.
      "I feel wonderful Tony."
      He started to pull out. "No! Please stay in me a little longer."
      "OK, lover-boy." He kissed my neck. "I'm not too heavy on you?"
      "No you feel great.
      "So, am I a good lay?" I asked.
      "Oh, Ben. That question seems so crude now. A few weeks ago, this would have only been about that. Uh, me getting my rocks-off. I'm glad we waited, because I found out that I really care about you and want to make you feel good."
      "I care about you too, Tony."
      I felt him start to move in and out of me a little. "Are you going to do some more?"
      "If you want me to? I might be able to manage it."
      "Are you kidding? You can fuck me as much as you want Tony. You feel so good in me and on me."
      "Did you cum?" he asked. I felt him get harder and start to push in and out more.
      "Oh yes, twice. Just before you came in me. And I shot too!"
      "You really are hot-stuff Ben. I don't want to wear you out though."
      I chuckled, "Wear me out! You're the one doing all the work!"
      "I'll take this kind of work any time!" he replied, thrusting in deep.
      I moaned in reply. He was going slower now. I could tell he was trying to hold back before, now I could tell he was going to take longer this time. I relaxed under him and concentrated on feeling his heat and movement in me. I found myself pushing back in rhythm to his thrusts. He amplified this, by pushing into me with the rhythm of my trembling. The orgasm wave hit fast this time. White intensity. His thrusting brought me back though. Each thrust was causing kind of intense mini orgasms now. Oh I love him so much. I started crying now.
      "Ben, I'm I hurting you?" he asked. He paused.
      "No Tony," I gasped out. "You just feel so good." He started moving again. A bit slower though. I concentrated again. The conversation with Patty creeped in. 'giving-in, opening up.' Had I done that completely? It sure felt like I had. I tried concentrating on feeling Tony, responding to his movements. Oh god, that is more intense. I imagined that I could feel his thoughts and feelings of pleasure as his penis slid in and out of me. My slick body under him. The feeling of me responding to his thrusts so intimately. A wave was building again. This one was going to be big. The feeling was starting at the back of my neck and spreading out like a heat wave. I've got to let Tony know how wonderful he's making me feel.
      "You're going to make me cum again," I gasped. He thrust in harder and faster. A wave of heat was moving quickly up my back. I felt his chest rubbing on my back between my shoulder blades. The waves of pleasure merged there and I went rigid with my orgasm. I couldn't feel anything but the pleasure. I was holding my breath and intensifying it. Then Tony's thrusting in me brought me back. He was moaning and panting now. Again I felt him push in hard and spasm on me. He then quickly relaxed on me. He lay there panting for sometime. I just laid there and felt like he was so much a part of me.
      Darn, he is starting to feel heavy on me. But I loved feeling his warmth and our sweat, so I'll put up with it for a while more. I felt him getting soft in me. He moved a bit and he slipped out. Whew. Actually that feels better now. But I still can't wait till the next time.
      "Would you like to take a shower Tony?"
      "Hmm," he said, "sure, I guess we are all sweaty." He rolled off of me. Brrr, now it's cold with the drying sweat.
      Tony looked where I was laying and moved his hand across the sheet. "The sheet is soaking wet," he said. He smelled his hand. "And it all isn't sweat," he said, laughing.
      I laughed too. I looked at his penis. It was soft, about three inches long now, with the fore-skin hanging off the end. I want to lick it, but not right after where it's been. Yuck. I need to remember to clean him with lots of soap there.
      I got up. Now what to wear? I could get dressed to go into the house or maybe I can find my robe to wear. I looked in my closet. What's this. Two white robes? I pulled them out.
      "I don't believe this!"
      "What?" said Tony.
      "His and His robes! I guess the bigger one is yours." I handed him the the longer white robe.
      "I don't believe my Mom got us these!"
      "I guess they know exactly what we're doing," he said, chuckling.
      We went into the house.
      "Let's use the shower in my parent's room," I said, "it's a little bigger."
      I got the water temperature adjusted and we got in. Mmm, we just stood in the water hugging for a while. He let go and grabbed the bar of soap.
      "Here, let me wash you." He stood in the water and had me face the wall. He used both his hands to soap up my back and arms. He lifted my arms and soaped there. That tickled. He moved lower and spent quite a lot of time between my legs. His fingers felt good around my hole. I was getting hard. He pushed a little bit of a finger tip in. The soap burned. I pulled away.
      "The soap burns a little, on the inside," I said.
      "Sorry." He turned me around. "Looks like you didn't mind too much," he said, as he grabbed a hold of my half hard dick. He soaped it up and got it real hard. He moved to my balls and one hand moved under to massage my hole again. I gasped and put my hands on his shoulders to keep my balance. I pushed into his hand stroking me.
      "Would you like me to make you cum?" he asked.
      "Sure, but can I play with you too?" I looked down and saw that he was pointing straight out.
      He nodded, but I was already reaching for it. I pulled the skin all the way down to expose the head. It was really red, compared to the rest of his penis. Oh yeah, I need to clean it good. I grabbed the bar of soap from the soap dish and rubbed soap all over my hands and then I slid my soapy hand over his now very hard cock. He jumped when I went over the head with my hand.
      "Wow, that's really sensitive, Ben."
      "Right here?" I asked as I went quickly over the head.
      He gasped. "Yes!"
      He did that to me. I jumped a little, but I liked it.
      "More," I whispered.
      "You like that?"
      "Yes."
      He moved his hand up and down, being sure to go over the head. I moved my hand so that I was moving his fore-skin up and down over his penis head. I was cupping his balls and playing with them. Tony moved his hand over my hole. I concentrated on that. We both started moving faster with our hands.
      "Ah, here it come Ben." I could feel his cock get really hard. I moved my hand over the head to make it extra intense. He jerked forward. I aimed him at my dick. His first squirt hit my stomach. I aimed lower. The next one hit right on my dick head. Well it couldn't miss, since they were almost touching now. I looked at his face. His head was back and his eyes were shut tight. His whole body was ridged as he jerked and squirted out more semen. Then he relaxed.
      "Ahhh. That was really intense!" he said. I moved my hands up to massage his chest. He started moving his hands on me again.
      "OK, your turn Ben." He got more soap from the bar. He stroked me and his other hand played with my balls. I took that hand and moved it to behind me. I was turned sideways to him and he slid his fingers into my crack to massage my hole. I pushed back and found I wanted to concentrate on that hand more then the one stroking me. He found the rhythm to my jerking and I knew it wouldn't be long now. He stopped moving his hand at my rear. No! What'll I do? I was almost there. I reached down and put my hand on his and moved his hand on my rear.
      "Oh, you like that," he said.
      I nodded. "Lots!" And I pushed back at his massaging hand. He pushed a finger tip in. Ahh, who cares if it burns a little. He found the rhythm again. That's it here it cums. I felt the cum shoot out.
      "Ahh" I gasped. He went faster on the back and front. That intensified the next spurts. I relaxed and he stopped and moved his finger out. Yeow, that really burns now. I turned and hugged him.
      I felt the water start to get cooler. Oh well, time to finish up. I moved away from him and turned the cold water down so it felt warmer.
      "Your turn now," I said to him.
      "Huh?"
      I grabbed the soap and turned him to the wall.
      "Oh."
      I soaped up his back and arms and under his arms. He jumped when I cleaned under his arms, but he raised them higher. He didn't seem to be ticklish though. Hmmm, that's interesting, he seems to like it. I moved down to soap up his butt. Wow a nice firm butt of a runner. Should I do what he did to me? Why not. I slid the soap bar and my fingers between his cheeks. Then I felt around for the hole. There it is. There was lots of hair around it. He relaxed and pushed back a little.
      "Having fun?" he asked.
      I chuckled. I don't think he wanted me to do much more right now. I stopped and turned him around to soap up his chest. I went under his arms again. I looked at his face. Wow, he does like it. I moved down to soap up his dick again. He jumped. Still sensitive I guess. OK time to rinse off. We both moved under the spray and rubbed the soap off of each other. I left his fore-skin pulled down when I was finish. I liked looking a the red head. But he pulled it back down when I turned the water off. I guess it's more comfortable that way.
      We dried each other off and practically ran back to my room. We jumped onto the bed. Yeow, cold wet spot! I laid a towel over the wet area. I didn't want to go back into the house for a clean sheet.
      We laid on our sides just looking at each other. I reached down and held his penis. He smiled at me. I pulled the fore-skin back. Hmm, I have to lick it.
      "Uh Ben, play with that too much and well..."
      "You promise?" I said as I lick the head, then went down on him. He groaned.
      "Ben," he gasped, "it's still sensitive." I stopped and sat up, still holding his penis which was hard now.
      "Sorry," I said, grinning. I moved his fore-skin up to cover his sensitive head. He sighed. I moved it back down, then up again.
      "Ben!"
      I giggled. "I just like playing with you." I let go and moved my hands up to massage his smooth chest. He rolled onto his back and sighed, putting his arms up behind his head. Mmmm, I looked at his large bicep muscles and the hair in his arm pits. I moved my right hand up his side and across the hair in his arm pit. He gasped and move his arms down quickly.
      "Did that tickle?" I asked.
      "No."
      "What then."
      "Uh."
      "Let me try again." I moved his arm up again. I held his elbow with my left hand and moved my right hand across his arm pit. He moaned. I looked at his face. His eyes are closed tight and his face is getting red. This is turning him on!
      "Wow, Tony, I think I've found a hot spot on you!"
      He opened is eyes and nodded grinning.
      Hmm, we showered and washed everywhere, so there shouldn't be any deodorant there. I leaned down and put my lips in his arm pit. He jumped. I took a cautious whiff. He smelled only of soap. I licked some with my tongue. He really jumped and groaned. And he brought his arm down quickly. I giggled and continued licking at the top of the crease between his arm and his side. I pushed my tongue into it. He tried to push my head away with his free hand. I reached up and put my thumb in his other arm pit.
      "Ahh, Ben, stop," he gasped, "I can't take it. It's tickling now."
      I stopped and looked up at him.
      "Wow, is that like what my kissing does to you?" he asked. "If it is, I won't do that again."
      "I don't know if what you felt, is like what I feel," I said. "But it doesn't tickle me. And you better not stop doing it." I stretched out on him and put my hand on either side of his face an looked in his eyes.
      "OK, OK," he said, grinning.
      I kissed him, pushing my tongue deep into his mouth. He hugged me tight. He pushed his tongue into my mouth now. I relaxed on him. He rolled over on top of me. Ahh, now that really feels nice. He was rubbing his bare chest against me and kissing me hard, with his tongue hitting right on the spot. The wave of pleasure was building again. I started trembling. Tony started to lick in rhythm to the trembling. Wow, he really is in tune with me. The roaring sound and white-out hit fast. It felt like I was merging with his soul.
      Then it stopped. Tony was beside me, stroking my chest. I was gasping for air. I opened my eyes and saw he was on his side propped up on one elbow looking at me, smiling.
      "Do you know how cute you look, especially just after you've cum?" he said.
      I took a deep contented breath, and close my eyes, smiling, as more after shocks of pleasure hit. They are minor, but feel nice. His hand on my chest feels good.
      I rolled over to my side and put my arm on his side and opened my eyes to look at him.
      "Did I tell you how wonderful you make me feel?" I said.
      He smiled at me and nodded. We just lay there looking at each other. It's like I'm trying to memorize his face. I closed my eyes for a moment then opened them.
      "You look sleepy," he said.
      "Mmm, I guess I am, but I can stay up for more, if you want," I said.
      "Oh man, I thought for sure I'd finally wore you out! You're just a horny love machine Ben!"
      I laughed at that, and rubbed his side. He rolled back on top of me and gave me a quick kiss.
      "Let's sleep lover-boy. We can do this most anytime we want now."
      I nodded.
      He got up and turned off the light. He got back in bed and we pulled the covers up over us. He had me roll on my side away from him, and he snuggled up to my back, with his arm around my chest. I sighed.
      "Good-night Tony, I love you."
      "I love you too. Night." He kissed the back of my neck and hugged me. I shivered. He chuckled and rubbed my chest. I felt him relax.
       
      As I fell asleep with Tony snuggled up to my back, I thought of how wonderful making love to him felt. Then doubt. Would he stay, now that he got what he wanted? Am I enough, or what he really wants? You can't know that Ben. Only time will tell. OK, I'll think about that later. I went back to thinking about how nice he feels holding me. I listened and felt him breathing. I fell asleep to his breathing.
       
      I woke up feeling Tony snuggled behind me again. I remembered waking a few times through the night. Rolling over to snuggle next to him, or him moving over to me. He arm was now around my chest and his thumb was stroking my nipple. I could feel his hard penis pressing in my crack and we were sweating a little with our combined heat. I stroked his arm and hand on me. He stirred. His hand moved across my whole chest now.
      "Mmm, good morning lover-boy."
      "Were you awake?" I asked.
      "Not for long."
      We laid there for a few minutes. I just thought about how nice he felt.
      He hugged me, "I love you Ben."
      "I love you too Tony."
      "I'll love you forever Ben." He squeezed me to himself tight.
      I squeezed my arm onto his arm around my chest and rubbed his hand. I couldn't reply, because I was so overcome with joy and tears. I wasn't going to be alone anymore.

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