This century's horrorscope


Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
        You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be
        progressive. You lie a great deal.  You make the same
        mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid.  Everyone
        thinks you are a fucking jerk.


Pisces
Feb 10 - Mar 20
        You are a pioneer type and think most people are
        dickheads.  You are quick to reprimand, impatient and
        full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you
        come in contact with. You are a prick.


Aries
Mar 21 - April 20
        You have a wild imagination and often think you are being
        followed by the FBI or CIA.  You have minor influence on
        your friends and people resent you for flaunting your
        power.  You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.


Taurus
April 20 - May 20
        You are practical and persistent.  You have a dogged
        determination and work like hell.  Most people think your
        are stubborn and bullheaded.  You are nothing but a
        goddamed communist.


Gemini
May 21 - June 20
        You are a quick and intelligent thinker.  People like you
        because you are bisexual.  You are inclined to expect too
        much for too little.  This means your are a cheap
        bastard.  Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.


Cancer
June 21 - July 22
        You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's
        problems, which makes you a sucker.  Your are always
        putting things off. That is why you will always be on
        welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is
        a Cancer.


Leo
July 21 - Aug 22
       You consider yourself a born leader.  Others think you are
       an idiot.  Most Leos are bullies.  You are vain and cannot
       tolerate criticism.  Your arrogance is disgusting.  Leo
       people are thiving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation
       more than sex.


Virgo
Aug 23 - Sept 22
        You are the logical type and hate disorder.  Your
        shit-picking attitude as sickening to your friends and
        co-workers.  You are cold and unemotional and often fall
        asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and
        pimps.


Libra
Sept 23 - Oct 21
        Your are the artistic type and have a difficult time
        dealing with reality.  If your are a male you are
        probably queer. Chances for employment and monerary gain
        are nill.  Most Libra women are whores.  All Libras die
        of venereal desease.


Scorpio
Oct 22 - Nov 21
        You are the worst of the lot.  You are shrewd in business
        and cannot be trusted.  You shall achieve the pinnacle of
        success because of your total lack of ethics.  You are
        the perfect on-of-a-bitch.  Most Scorpios are murdered.


Sagittarius
 Nov 22 - Dec 21
        You are optimistic and enthusiastic.  You have a reckless
        tendency to rely on your luck since your have no talent.
        The majority of Sagittarians are drunks.  You are a
        worthless piece of shit.


Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
        You are conservative and afraid of taking risks.  You are
        basically chickenshit.  There has never been a Capricorn
        of any importance.  You should kill yourself.

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