Sports 1/2: Benma 1/2's Spring Splash II

Rank and team	Record	Explanation (As if they needed it)
13. NOTRE DAME.	3-4	Neutered Lame. Notre Shame. Notre Dumb. I could continue, but it would be too pleasurable. The lowest team EVER in the Benma Championship Series with a 30.56 rating on 11-9-2002, their ranking not improved by a record SEVEN games ND won that they should have lost--those being Maryland, Michigan, Michigan State, Pittsburgh, Air Force, Flast and yes, even NAVY. Add to that a loss to BOSTON COLLEGE and being utterly HUMILIATED by the MIGHTY UNIVERSITY OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA TROJANS 44-13, and BAM! HW Bottom 13 here they come! Sure, TyRONE-RONE-RONE Willingham will probably win the GATOR BOWL, but at least he's not in the Orange! Maybe they learned from the LAST time ND was in a BcS bowl�E 41-9 drubbing by OREGON STATE in the 2001 Fiesta Bowl. "We always stumble, we always fall..."
12. VICTIMS OF THE GAME.		Or should that be "PLEASE get me out of this conference?�E I'm talking about VANDERWILT (2-10) and MISSISSIPPI STATE (3-9), who both went 0-8 as the SuckEast. I'm talking about KANSAS (2-10) and BAY-LOR (3-9) who finished at 0-8 and 1-7 and at the bottom of their respective divisions of the Footlong. Don't think you can escape your destiny and the HW Bottom 13 by virtue of beating Kansas in your head-to-head match-up for your first Footlong win since October 10th, 1998. And finally, poor STANFORD, who loses TyRONE-RONE-RONE Willingham is the one chink in the PAC 10 armor after going 2-9 (1-7.) ARIZONA may have gone 1-7 in conference, but at least they won 4 games.
11. THE ONE-FERS.		ONLY BUFFALO, RUTGERS and TULSA joined ARMY in their 1-11 futility. Interesting that no one went defeated this season...
10. BIG 10 1/2" SHRINKAGE.		Hooray for Ohio State, they went undefeated. Well it's easy to see why when you see what the cold does to shrink teams's abilities: Both NORTHWESTERN (who could have beat the phuckeyes) and Indiana are 3-9 (1-7). Michigan't State is 4-8 (2-6). The ILLINI, who won the conference last year, fell to 5-7 (4-4), and unlike their NFL counterparts, the Bears, CANNOT blame their season on playing all (sixteen) games on the road. And no, I will NOT stop dissing WUSSCONSIN, who may be going to the Alamo Bowl (to get stomped by Colorado) by virtue of an oh-so-great 7-6 record, is 2-6 in conference! DON'T BE FOOLED by idiots who say that the Big 10 1/2" is SO GREAT because its eighth ranked team is in a bowl game.
9. RADIO CALLERS WHO DON'T KNOW A DAMN THING.		THIS MAY BE second-hand information, but once you read it you'll KNOW why it made the HW Bottom 13. On Arizona's Xtra Sports 910's Gambo & Cash program, they were discussing about how USC should be in the Fiesta Bowl, playing one of the two unbeatens (I forget which, probably Miami.) So some MR calls in and says "No they shouldnt" and that the MIGHTY TROJANS haven't been tested by...BYU. No seriously! Yes, USC hasn't been in the HIGH ALTITUDE in Utah to play FIVE AND SEVEN BYU!!! (I'll stop laughing when you do.) The 40-3 massacre of the Buffaloes in apparently LOW altitude COLORADO notwithstanding, how does a team of "Men against boys," consisting of 24 and 25 year olds who have gone on Mormon Missions end up at 5-7? Well JABRONI, you'll get your wish; on tap next year, our first game of the season...in Provo. Just know that IF you win, you're facing a rebuilding team without the Heisman winner and the "Marked Man."
8. THE SUNBELT CONFERENCE.	32-53	Congratulations! In your second year, you have doubled the number of winning teams! Yes, the bane of I-A football's existence and the only team to go to a bowl game with a losing record, NORTH TEXAS (who is a LEGITIMATE bowl team this year, finishing TWO games above .500 believe it or not) is joined this year by New Mexico State. In case you were wondering, the other 5 teams are a combined 18-43.
7. THE DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE.	4-13td>	It was a good thing that ARMY didn't have to beat NAVY in order to win a game for the season, because the Midshipmen SPANKED the cadets. Navy's QB Candeto ran for six touchdowns and threw for another, only because midway through the third quarter Paul Johnson put him on the bench. But that STILL wasn't enough to slow down the Midshipmen. While I usually combine the two, it turns out that 2-10 Navy is FAR above 1-11 Army.
6. OLE MISS.	6-6 (3-5)	Let me paint you a picture: Your team is returning four starters on the offensive line to block for a senior running back, and you have the quarterback who re-wrote 17 school passing records his sophomore year in ELI MANNING. So how do you end up 6-6 and in a gimme bowl game because of a liberal bowl eligibility selection process (at .500)? It should tell you HOW FAR they have fallen from expectations that they are playing the also underachieving BUG EATERS in the Independence Bowl. The Rebel faithful will have to hope that he has a breakout senior year similar to Carson Palmer's, or all that potential will go to waste.
5. THE MOUNTAIN WORST: WYOMING.		It seems I never should have pulled them out of the HW Bottom 13. After a narrow win over then 6-1 Air Force, who was obviously still reeling after the loss to notre dame, Why?oming has gone 0-4 to end up at 2-10. What happened to the team that gave BYU a run for their money in a WAC Championship game from 1996?
4. KANST, TOO.		IT'S NOT ENOUGH that a 10-2 record, trumped up by TWO wins against I-AA opponents, a win against Sunbelt member LA-MONROE, one against BAYLOR, and a FLUKE WIN over the MIGHTY TROJANS gets them ranked SIXTH in the lesser polls; they attempted to BUY their way into a BcS bowl game! "If you're worried about Kanst not being able to fill seats, I assure you we'll be able." Give me a break! You don't belong anywhere NEAR a BcS bowl game, let alone the HOLIDAY Bowl you DID get into. I thought that was supposed to be for the No. 2 Footlong team, which last time I checked certainly wasn't YOU. It was Footlong Championship loser Colorado! Either get a REAL schedule, or go back to the miserable hole of mediocrity you crawled out of!
3. THE ALL CRAP CONFERENCE.		LET'S START WITH 2-10 PUKE and 3-9 NORTH CAROLINA, whose lone conference win came against fellow Bottom 13-er Puke. With competition like this, is the ACC really supposed to impress? NOW ONTO NC STATE, whose THREE-AND-OUT of the Top 25 cost me my ACC Champion prediction. You have your crap together enough to get a 9-0 record going, and beat Flast to end the season. Yet you sleep through three ACC games in a row, losing to Georgia Tech, Maryland, and Virginia on consecutive weeks. Maryland I suppose I can understand, but the other two�E FINALLY, MY BEEF WITH FLAST sees no end in sight. Last year, LSU raised a big stink by being the worst team ever in a BcS bowl game with a 9-3 record (although they used that as fuel for the fire and won.) This year they lower the bar even more, by taking 9-4 Flast for the Sugar Bowl. Bowden, the same coach who didn't want to start his better quarterback McPherson in favor of Rix, gets rewarded by being the "Cream of the Crap." If he had beaten MIAMI or even notre dame I don't think I'd have any problem with it. But circumstances being as they are...
2. TREV ALBERTS.		The man with the GI-NORMOUS CHIP ON HIS SHOULDER. To Mr. "Who the hell is Mel Kiper Jr.?" I ask who the hell are you??? You're certainly not the UNBIASED color man that College GameDay wants to maintain a reasonable facsimile of an appearance of. You're enough to make me not want to watch the program anymore, and quite frankly I haven't been, considering that most of the time I don't need to. Shame, shame, calling out your own alma mater on national television. If you're so concerned about your Bug Eaters, go coach for them! Until then, KNOW YOUR ROLE and SHUT YOUR MOUTH!!!
1. BcS BOWL SELECTIONS.	0-4	For all of the BITCHING and WHINING and STUPIDITY about the Orange Bowl NOT wanting 'SC because we wouldn't be able to send a large enough contingent to make them happy, where do we end up? In the motherf****** Orange Bowl. It turns out that BOTH the Orange and Sugar Bowls wanted us, and in that event, in a provision they're only allowed to use ONCE EVERY FOUR YEARS, the bowl with the higher payout gets the nod. (But if the Orange Bowl REALLY wanted us, then why did they pick IOWA first, if NOT to screw the Rose out of getting the PAC 10-Big 10 1/2" match-up they deserve?) I don't give a DAMN about more money for the PAC 10 and therefore 'SC, especially since the difference is a PITTENCE. A pathetic $200,000, which gives us $20K. We've got alumni that can dish more than that out at the drop of a hat. YES, # 3 IOWA versus # 1 USC is a great match-up, but we can do that any NORMAL year in a TRADITIONAL ROSE BOWL. Not the perverted CRAP Rose Bowl that has occurred the last two seasons. Furthermore, WHY THE HELL would I want to go to Miami and see a game in that UGLY, SHITTY stadium that the Candy Canes play in??? _I_ would have gotten tickets to the SUGAR in a heartbeat, partying up in the Mardi Gras capital of the world. The match-up with # 2 GEORGIA would have been just as good, maybe even a little better. Instead, they'll be facing off against 9-4 FLAST, the worst team EVER to get a BCS bid. Of all the teams that don't belong, it's Flast, but since they HAVE to have one of these dumb-a$$ bowls, they should be in the Orange, where they would basically be at home. Wazoo versus OKLAHOMA is ok, even if Wazoo SUCKS. The REAL match-up would have been # 1 USC versus # 4 MIAMI. I would have LOVED to see us squeak by in an almost even match-up and SHUT ALL OF THE EAST COAST BIAS UP ONCE AND FOR ALL, staking claim to our ninth national championship. But that will have to wait until BEST can sponsor the MATCH-UP BOWL, our bowl game which takes place a week after the so-called "National Championship."

AND COMING NEXT YEAR, IF NECESSARY:

The BENMA CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES

Benma 1/2's Spring Splash II (BSSII) (c).
Anything Goes School of Masquerade Arts (AGSMA) (c).
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