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This writing is aimed towards those who are considering or planning marriage. If you are not yet married, please follow through with this page first and then read the article which examines the inner-workings of abusive relationships. If you are already married to an abusive partner, please read The Abusive Marriage first, and then come to this page and follow the assignments in this section.
Argentinum
If you have ever found yourself feeling responsible for another's well-being or have the desire to heal someone with your love, this message is for you. Please don't do yourself the injustice of seeing all the discrepancies between your circumstances and what I say here. The worst thing you can do is tell yourself that your situation and your boyfriend are different, and what happened to me won't happen to you. Look for the "similarities" in thoughts and emotions, as well as events. Setting ourselves apart from everyone else by believing we are different and others simply don't understand only creates a self-imposed prison of isolation. If you want help, then you must be willing to listen with an open mind. If you are not willing to do anything differently, then make the best of it and don't dump your complaints on others. While sympathy feels good, it's unfair to burden those who care about you and it just keeps you spiritually and emotionally unhealthy.
Be Responsible For Yourself
Before considering marriage, get to know yourself. Be certain of your own morals, your ideas concerning marriage and expectations of a spouse. Recognize your priorities in life, spiritual beliefs, and your convictions about loyalty, respect, and responsibilities. You may scoff, thinking to yourself, "Of course I know my own morals and concepts of these issues!" But I say to you, put them on paper. It's amazing that the things we truly think we know about ourselves are often quite vauge and elusive when we actually attempt to name them specifically. So get out that notebook and make this your next assignment.
At the top of the page, write the question,
Once you've established these personal standards, it's your responsibility to stand by them. No one will ever respect you if you do not respect yourself, nor will anyone honor your priniciples if you betray your own principles.
If your man really loves you, he will respect your ethics. If not, it's up to you to be true to yourself and honor your principles. Simply sharing the same tastes in music, movies, or hobbies isn't enough, and feeling sympathy for or needed by any man is never a stable basis for marriage. If he loves you, he won't feel dependant on what you can do for him. Instead, he will be concerned with expressing his love for you ~ and this does not mean fits of jealousy, possessiveness, nor fits pitiful displays of dependency. To love someone is to put their well-being first, but this must go both ways. If you marry a selfish, self-absorbed man, he will only "love" you as long as you think about him as much as he thinks about himself.
When faced with a decision, whether it is to marry or any other major event, first you must give your emotions time to settle. Decisions should never be made in the height of emotion. Yet, if you have already done so and are now questioning a decision, please know that you can change your mind!
Whether thrilling happiness, sorrow or anger, our thinking is greatly influenced by such emotions and emotions are always subject to change. Sound judgement comes only with calmness. The feeling of tremendous joy produces unrealistic optimism and anger or sadness give birth to pessimism and confusion. Sympathy can deceive us into believing we are responsible to make everything all right.
Give yourself time to think it through. Explore all your options and consider the possible consequences of each choice, knowing that you always do have a choice. If you feel pressured to make a decision about anything so serious, step back. That is a red flag of warning. A sense of urgency is a sure sign of self-will pushing you to feel more powerful than you actually are.
Get To Know His Family
Make a special point to get to know his parents and discover for yourself the family roles he was taught. The way a man treats his wife will be patterned after the relationship between he and his mother. Is there mutual respect and honor between his parents and does he treat his mother with love and dignity? Notice also how his mother responds to him. Is she either domineering or pampering of him, treating him like a child rather than a young man? Does she offer him approval and confidence, or does she tear him down? With comments made by either your boyfriend or his parents, do you find yourself thinking you're probably just too sensitive and shouldn't take things so personally? Again, these are warning signs of an unhealthy relationship with problems that marriage will only intensify.
Listen To His Actions
Abuse takes many forms, not always physical. An abusive person is self-centered to the extreme, unable to acknowledge the humanity of anyone but himself. There's no excuse for insults, accusations, or demanding that you do anything you don't feel comfortable with. It really doesn't matter how good you believe his intentions are if his actions are to the contrary. Something deep within whispers he does not love you or he wouldn't treat you this way. It's time to listen to those silent inner words, for it is the voice of truth. One of the most common mistakes we females make is listening only to what he says and not what he does. He tells us what we want to hear, so we cling to his words. Regardless of his horrendous acts, he knows a tearful apology sweetened with a few promises is enough to keep us from leaving. As he blames himself for being unworthy of our love, we once again feel sorry for him. In this twisted game of manipulation, the perpetrator becomes the victim and the victim turns savior. Our attention is so focused on his problems and his well-being that we seldom consider our own.
If he truly loves you, he will get professional help rather than making you feel responsible for him. Professional studies have shown that due to emotional involvement, those closest to us are the least capable of giving this kind of help. Your love and devotion cannot produce the necessary transformation; only he can change himself.
Playing On Your Sympathy
I would say one of the first red warning flags you might notice is if he talks trash about his parents, or offers details of his less than fortunate childhood. These are signs that he is blaming his parents and using his past as a crutch to excuse his present attitudes and conduct. A man who has risen above a troubled family life will find no reason to talk about it unless he feels his experience can be helpful to another. After you two have become serious, he will want to share this piece of history with you, but will never use it as an excuse for his shortcomings.
Too Possessive or Unavailable
Is he jealous of your friends and so attentive of you that he insists on going everywhere you go, never wanting to be apart? This may feel like security and be very flattering for awhile, but beware -- these are signs of an extremely jealous and possessive man who is subtly taking you hostage. At the other end of the scale, is he so relaxed that he insists that you go out alone or with your friends, when you really want to be with him? This may seem healthy and comfortable, yet is he so emotionally unavailable that he refuses to participate in anything of interest to you? To this man, you will be nothing more than a convenience or an inconvenience, expected to be there when he pleases and to go away whenever he so desires. In neither instance is there partnership nor love. You are not recognized as a real human being, but simply as a possession acquired for his own satisfaction. Whether he separates you from the world or isolates himself from you, he is caught up in the drama of his own feelings and needs.
Lack of Integrity or Responsibility
Pay close attention to his ability to make and then uphold promises. If most often when you ask him in advance to do a certain activity or attend a function and he won't give you an answer until the last minute, he is avoiding commitment. He is honoring his own feelings and desires by not making plans with you. A more interesting offer may arise, or he may not feel like participating when the time arrives. Therefore, refusing to commit in advance gives him the freedom of an escape. If he does make a promise to you or anyone else, does he honor his word, regardless of how he feels when the time arrives?
On the other hand, when he asks you to plan on being involved in some outing with him, how does he respond if you are unable to go? Will he postpone the plans, or will he simply find someone else to take along? Which is more important -- the activity or the companionship?
Another important factor is how he reacts when you're under the weather. Does he offer to do what he can to make you more comfortable, willing to stay or leave at your request? Or does he take advantage of the situation, spending this time with his buds without calling or coming to see you? He may even mysteriously come down with a worse case of the illness, asking you to take care of him as well as yourself. A loving man won't kick you when you're down.
Marriage is meant to be partnership -- two people working together for a common goal, placing the well-being (stability) of the union above individual desires or opinions. The greatest good of each spouse is dependant upon unity in the relationship.
Many tend to believe two of the greatest myths: that marriage and having a baby will make things better. Both of these events require many strenuous adjustments, creating certain stress and instabilities. If the relationship is already in trouble, either of these occurrences could destroy it. This is precisely the reason that only the strongest and most stable of relationships survive marriage and children.
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Argentinum
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 "Self-Honesty" |
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