In a society so technically advanced, educated and so concerned with Constitutional Rights and "political-correctness", we should be ashamed that our women and children are still treated just a little less than human. Oh, we hear plenty talk about stopping child abuse, but when an instance is reported, rarely is anything done, and nothing is heard, until the child is dead. And women who find themselves in abusive relationships are always blamed by the abuser, and then blamed by society for not "just leaving", judged by those who have no idea what they would do in the same situation. It's so easy to say I would do this or I would do that, but... until the thing has actually happened to you, you do not know what you would do.

Yes, it infuriates me. I am one of the fortunate survivors of domestic violence. After divorcing my abusive husband, he did not continue to pursue me, stalk, or threaten me. I am in the minority. Most abused wives, even if they do find the courage and sanity to leave, are never left in peace. They must continually deal with the ex-husband's threats, his obsessive stalkings and interference in her new life. If there are children, she has no legal recourse against his abuse. She must deal with him on a regular basis because of visitation rights, when he actually has no desire to have a relationship with his children -- they are merely pawns, used for check-mate against their mother. If she denies the father visitation rights because of his threats or even actual harm, she is again punished. The judicial system and society in general tell us to "just leave" but it is the law which binds us to these men, giving them the right, via visitation of the children, to have access to our whereabouts, phone number, and to our home. The law says we should and that we are at fault if we don't, but does not give us the right to free ourselves from these abusive men.

Unless you have lived with a person who suffers from a mental and emotional disorder -- be it alcoholism, drug addiction, schizophrenia, manic depression, personality disorder caused by childhood abuse, the list goes on -- you have absolutely no idea the impact. Insanity is contagious. Unfortunately, sanity is not. We start out being sensible, rational human beings, attempting to deal with the sick person as if he were mentally sound. We try to reason with the unreasonable. We do not have the education and training it requires to effectively communicate with a mentally ill person and therefore treat him as we would anyone else, expecting him to respond as anyone else would. Of course he doesn't, but we are at a loss. We don't know any other approach. Periodically, he behaves as a sane, rational individual, exhibiting sound judgement, and we forget it is fleeting, or we believe he has finally stepped out of the fog. Certainly we hope he has, for this is what we are giving our lives for -- dying for. We who have lived with such a man know there is something more to him. Had we not seen goodness and love in them, we never would have married these men. To this day I am still uncertain if the goodness and love I believed I saw in my abusive husband were real qualities, true to his nature or merely manipulative tactics to control and dominate me. We hear over and over again that he will never change and there's probably only about 2% that actually do. Yet, we feel it so unfair to make such a judgement of another human being. We feel it would be playing God to decide such a verdict, believing there is always hope. What we cannot see is that staying with him is where we are playing God, attempting to be his savior, healer and redeemer. If he is to change, God is certainly the only one who can do it -- through his willingness to change -- and we must first get out of the way. Until he has run out of people, places and things to use, abuse and blame, he will probably not become willing to change.

All human beings are born selfish, self-centered and manipulative. Mentally healthy people outgrow these traits to a certain extent as we become socially and morally awakened. We learn to value the rights and feelings of others and develop self-restraint as we learn to control our emotions. We are able to discern the true from the false, the real from the imagined and acquire coping techniques to see us through our fears, traumas and daily stresses. Yet, on a regular basis, I encounter and witness a multitude of sane, successful adults who still operate their personal lives and their businesses with self-serving, manipulative schemes, acting as if they care about others when their own selfish means are their honest focus. They lie, steal, cheat, con and take advantage of others to get what they want. The only thing which separates these "normal" people from the mentally ill is their sophistication, self-control and ability to know exactly when and where to draw the line. There are many ways people abuse others every day, driving down the street, strolling along the side walk, at home and at work. To have a negative effect upon another's well-being is abuse.

Do you quit your job the first time your boss or a co-worker yells at you, falsely accuses you, or threatens you with your job? Has your boss called you names or insinuated you were incompetent when you knew you weren't? Are you a quitter? Do you walk away every time a boss blows off steam at you, or do you feel you could probably do a little better at your job and start putting out extra effort? How long will you put up with this treatment before you decide it's not worth it? Can you just quit your job without knowing where your support will come from? How responsible would it be to give up the job you have, not knowing when or where you'll find another one? What if the next one isn't any better or is even worse? At least this job is familiar, you know what to do and what's expected from you. You tell yourself it probably isn't as bad as you sometimes think. You just got your feelings hurt and you should toughen up and grow up. You weigh the pros and cons, building up the advantages and minimizing the hardships. The truth is, regardless of how miserable you are in your present job, there's a sense of comfort in the familiar and you fear the unknown, the uncertainty of walking out. Until the misery far out-weighs the perceived advantages, until you decide absolutely nothing known or unknown could be as bad, and you feel confident within yourself that you have done your very best to no avail, you will probably continue to do the responsible thing and honor your commitment to that company. That's a mere job and yet we are condemned for not walking away from an intimate, sacred vow to another human being.

None of us know what we would actually do in any given emergency situation. We know what we hope we'd do, what we believe we'd do, but are deciding those things in a calm, rational state of mind. We don't know how our minds and emotions will react in the face of an actual crisis. Living with an abusive person is like creeping silently through a darkened jungle. We are aware of the possible dangers awaiting us but comfort ourselves with a belief that we are careful and prepared. If we follow specific guidelines and take certain precautions, we believe we'll be safe. Even with the ever-present sense of peril, we still feel in control. I could also equate domestic violence with a sudden tornado ripping through your house, being trapped on the 20th floor of a burning building, or being awakened in the night by the sounds of an intruder breaking into your house. If you've never faced the adrenalin-induced panic of such an instance, how can you say what you would do? If your home is burglarized, will you automatically move to another house? A different city or state? Or will you assume preventative measures and believe it probably won't happen again?

Abusive people almost always have two very different personalities -- dependance and rage. It is a form of insanity to completely lose control and to engage in acts which one feels remorseful for later. Once the anger has run its course, the abusive person usually falls to exhaustion, faced with the destruction left in their path, and suffers horrendous guilt and shame for their actions. With tearful apologies and unrelenting self-condemnation, they beg for forgiveness in their proclamations of worthlessness. They offer the appropriate response in confessing how wrong they were and saying they wouldn't blame us for leaving. Through tears, they ask us not leave, saying they couldn't live without us. They ask us to please be patient and understanding, realizing it won't be easy, but they will learn to be better husbands through our good examples. In giving us complete control over their lives through handing us the responsibility of helping them, teaching them and making them worthwhile human beings through our influence, they have actually gained total control over us. We see them reduced to a suffering child crying out for love and we perceive this as vulnerability and intimacy. The reality of the situation becomes lost in the vision of a brighter tomorrow. We believe we've made progress, grown closer to one another and that they have seen the error of their ways. Most of all, we believe they mean what they say. They are the most convincing people on earth, capable even of fooling psychiatrists. My abusive husband was sent for mental evaluation following a suicide attempt and was released as a stable individual after merely ten days. He knew exactly what to say and most importantly, just how to say it. These men know what we want to hear. He had no intent of killing himself. It was a ploy for my attention and sympathy and desperate exertion to keep me from leaving him.

Abusive people honestly believe they are victims and always take every destructive outburst and turn it around so that they are the helpless and hurting party. Suddenly, the perpetrator is the victim and the recipient is the savior. Quite insidiously, without our awareness, the abnormal becomes normal, as we make excuses for his behavior and minimize the impact. Simple acts of considerateness are seen as shining stars of promise, illuminating the darkness of depression and cynicism. For a few days or weeks, he is full of kindness, bringing us flowers or presents, complimenting us, taking us out to dinner. Then suddenly, sometimes without warning, it all blows up in our faces as we're accused of expecting too much, of being selfish and thoughtless. We certainly don't want to be those things, so we apologize and tell him we're happy without all those "extras" -- the extras being mere kindness and common courtesy. All we want is what we see others enjoying and taking for granted -- a peaceful, loving family. Is that too much to ask? And we are willing to pay any price to attain the treasure. Dreams die very hard. We truly believe we are in love with these men when actually we are only in love with the illusion we so cherish and desperately cling to.

Many of us seek spiritual guidance, turning to clergy for prayer, support and direction. We intuitively know the situation is beyond human aid long before we're satisfied with believing we've done everything in our power to make it work. As well-meaning and sincere as religious people are, quite often they only help us to stay in the abusive marriage. I counseled with a preacher during my abusive marriage and was told what I wanted to hear -- that I should continue being a faithful, loving, godly wife and God would bless my marriage. I was told to have faith and to diligently work at being the best example I could be to my husband and God's power would work through me. I was reminded that I'd made a vow not only to my husband, but to God, as well, and if I honored that vow, I would be rewarded. The single most important factor was omitted -- God does not do anything without our willingness and He will not force anyone to change against their will.

We read books, listen to tapes, even attend marriage seminars and earnestly apply what we learn to our own situations. We are told the promises and guarantees of applying these principles and hear testimonies from successful others. With our spirits revived and strength renewed, we gain fresh confidence and determination, believing we have now found the solution. We are recharged with that false sense of power, thinking we know what to do to make it all better. Everything we learn is true and highly effective in the average marriage. There's only one thing missing -- a sane, rational partner. It doesn't matter how fluently or eloquently you can speak English if you're trying to communicate with someone who doesn't know the language. We continue to treat them like normal adult human beings, expecting them to respond as such. When it doesn't happen, we try harder, applying still more patience, effort and understanding. It's like expecting a man with no legs to get up and walk. But we keep expecting, praying, hoping.

It's extremely difficult to get rid of the notion that he will one day start making up for his wrongs and start giving back all he has taken. We have been loyal, faithful and consistent in the face of impossible odds. We desperately want him to clearly see all the pain and humiliation he's put us through, and realize how loving and patient we've been. We want him to feel the full impact of our suffering by thoroughly putting himself in our skin, and to truly be sorry for the harm done. He owes us a great deal -- time, attention, love, peace of mind, security, stability, dependability, trustworthiness, faithfulness, loyalty, devotion, commitment ... He owes us the absolute fulfillment of his wedding vows and we plan to stay until he finally pays up.

It appears to others that we have no pride whatsoever or we wouldn't stay, yet we are driven by an incredible force of pride -- violated pride turned into anger. Twisted, backwards, but pride, none the less. There's nothing so humiliating as a disloyal spouse, especially in the face of our devotion and loyalty. In the overwhelming shame placed upon us, we become determined to hang on and prove to the world, and to the other women, that he truly does love us. We'll force him to love and cherish us.

The reason we cannot stand up for ourselves is because we daily live with his defensiveness and paranoia, falsely- accusing us and refusing to acknowledge our goodness and sincerity. We are determined to prove our worth, to make him see and admit that we are right and he is wrong, that we are good and he has been bad, that we have been saints and he has been a devil, and that he owes us the return of all the love and loyalty we have invested in him. If we do or say anything to make him mad, that will only give him a reason to defend himself and say that's proof that we are not loving, good- hearted women. We mustn't give him any real grounds to base his accusations on. We must always prove ourselves worthy, nobel, honorable. As a result, we are driven to give, do, be, and sacrifice anything in order to prove our worth. We lose our self-worth in trying to prove our worth to him. But it's never enough and we are human -- we make mistakes, we sometimes blow up from all the tension, and these things are unforgivable to him. He waits and watches for us to slip up and make one little mistake or to show one negative quality so he can swoop down and devour us with accusations, insults, mockery, and blame. Unknowingly, we sell our souls in becoming more or less than human, disallowed human needs and emotions. Only he has the right to his feelings and needs while we do not have the freedom to feel any differently than what he wants us to feel or to feel nothing at all.

I think one problem is that the outside world cannot possibly comprehend that any human being could be so cold, calculated and mechanical as the abusive person is. No one, they think, could be completely void of conscience that he could be so abusive without provocation. It must be the woman's fault, at least partially. Thus, we stay for the very same reason.

I still cannot thoroughly comprehend the truth about abusive people. Any loving, compassionate human being cannot believe that another person is void of love and sensitivity, which is what keeps us trusting and hoping in the goodness we believe we see in these men. It is a fact of human nature that each of us perceives life, other people, and the world in general according to what we are inwardly. Life is our mirror and we see only ourselves in everyone around us. This explains the love we believe we see and the deception the abuser believes he sees. They can certainly "act" loving and sensitive at times, showing guilt, remorse, and heartache. What we fail to recognize is they are only sensitive to themselves, not to anyone else. They are so sensitive to themselves that they are paranoid, constantly fearing that others are out to get one over on them, to take advantage of them, to mistreat them. They have become the very things they fear. In order to guard themselves against being abused, they become abusive. It isn't that they are not void of conscience, as the psychotic murderer is. Yet, their conscience only serves to tell them what they "should" feel and be -- and the problem is, they do not feel what they know they should and have no desire to be what they know they should be. This inner battle enrages them, as they furiously defend themselves through all sorts of justifications and blame. They truly are sick individuals. We somehow sense this and it calls out our compassion and maternal instincts to heal and protect and nurture. That is exactly what these men count on. We believe we can love them back to health and soundness of mind, while they merely need someone to help them stay the way they are.

These men value only possessions, property and material things. They are interested only in their own needs and desires and we, the wives and children, are possessions, prisoners, expected to be there for his convenience and to be put in the closet when we are inconvenient. We are to satisfy him and to take the blame when he is dissatisfied. These men are so disconnected from humanity that they are barely human, themselves. Other people are merely extensions of themselves, not different, unique individuals. To them, everything in life revolves around them. Everything anyone does, says, feels, or thinks is centered around them -- in their minds. They cannot comprehend that people do what they do because of who they are inside. They believe everyone does what they do because of them. They are like a two year old child who has not yet developed the capacity to realize that other people have needs and feelings, too, independent of themselves. They are self-consummed, self-obsessed, and completely self- seeking, with all people and things being merely the means of self-satisfaction. They cherish possessions because material things have no needs, make no requests and haven't a will. Possessions can be bragged about, to make him feel more like a man and they can be blamed, likewise for his inadequacies. We are to be like a pet, requiring only food, without a will of our own, loyal, obedient and affection, regardless of how the master treats us. If we get out of line, we are beaten into submission, whether physically or psychologically.

If he gives us a place to live and food to eat, we are not supposed to want or need anything else. Even those provisions are inconvenient infringements upon "his" money. Everything is "his". His money, his time, his house, his vehicle, his feelings... He will rarely refer to anything in the marriage as "ours". If the wife has a car, it will be "her" car, meaning she is completely responsible for the maintenance and condition. He will not contribute time nor money to her car. The children are "hers" too, unless he needs to use them as trophies to brag about, and then they aren't our children but "his". Practically speaking, they are her children and she is completely responsible for their care and for their behavior. There is very little he will label as "hers", but the minute she gets out of line, he will take what is hers -- the car or the children -- away from her, to punish her, threaten her and thereby put her back in her place. They will almost always use the children to keep a hold of their wife.

Sadly enough, they truly do not care about their own children. That, too is impossible to comprehend, but they have not developed the ability to recognize others as being individual people. It's as if they see themselves as the only actual human being on earth. The only "love" they feel for others is actually just loving the way others make them feel. That's the whole of their love-hate relationships. Others are seen as completely responsible for the way he feels. If you make him feel good, he loves you. If he feels bad, it's your fault and he hates you. They expect wife and children to run to them with open arms, lavishing them with love, devotion and praise, making him feel like a god, and they are to treat him this way regardless of how he behaves, never asking nor needing anything in return. Sometimes, he offers attention and affection, which we are so hungry for that we rejoice and feel satisfied. Our hopes are renewed with the vision of how it could be, having been given just a taste. Pathetically enough, we have been reduced to the family dog, sitting at the master's feet, waiting for crumbs to fall to the floor. We are so hungry for love that we thankfully lap up any crumbs we can get and hope for more. This is his control. We are starving to death, managing to survive on the few crumbs he offers, while awaiting the grand feast he continually promises.

We know there will be no peace in our lives unless he is happy, so we do everything in our power to please him. It is not a matter of worshipping him, but one of survival, self- preservation. If he is unhappy, there will be a price to pay. So we keep quiet and try to keep the children at bay. We are constantly taking his emotional temperature to determine how we must act. We must be on guard, prepared to impede a possible disaster. We must anticipate his needs before he makes them known, hoping we've chosen the proper approach. At times, we must smooth his ruffled feathers, pampering and soothing him. Other times, we must become invisible and leave him alone. After all, we are there only for his convenience and if we inconvenience him in any way, we will be punished, if not physically, then verbally and emotionally. No one else in the house can have feelings or needs when dad "doesn't feel good". And when dad does feel good, everyone else must feel good, too, or they ruin his good mood. If you are angry, depressed or physically ill, you will either be mocked or abandoned. These men are truly emotional ice burgs, entirely isolated and emotionally unavailable. They have built a fort around themselves which is impossible to penetrate and they will protect their walls with violence, just as in any war. To these men, life is a one-man war, and protecting themselves and providing for themselves means survival. They do not trust anyone, nor believe anyone has sincerely good and loving motives. They believe everyone is out only for themselves, ready to destroy anything in their paths, just as they are. Through his belief that the whole of life and humanity revolves around him, we get sucked into that madness and our lives center around him, trying desperately to prove our sincerity, to earn his trust and acceptance. He sees our attempts at emotional intimacy and our efforts to prove ourselves trustworthy as calculated, deceptive tactics to penetrate his fort and destroy him. The closer we try to get to him, the more layers he adds to his walls of defense, lashing out and pushing us further and further away.

No one can understand why so many of these women go back to their abusive husbands after finally leaving, and they believe she must have some sick, masochistic desire for punishment. That couldn't be further from the truth. We have learned to monitor his mood, taking his emotional temperature before we know whether to talk, laugh, be attentive, or to be completely still and silent. We may need something from the supermarket, but we must first determine his state of mind before we even ask to go. The children may have a problem or a need, but we don't dare bring it up until we are certain the coast is clear. There is a tremendous problem with building and centering your life around someone else. We do not crave the excitement of crisis, the heartache, turmoil nor abuse. Even after we leave, we do not know peace. We cannot hear the silence nor feel the tranquility in his absence for the raging storm which continues to blow like a hurricane in our minds. We have lost ourselves in basing every decision and action on him. We have become conditioned to think, feel, and behave according to what we believe someone else expects. We have lost the ability to act independently and base our decisions solely on our own needs and desires. We have learned to base everything we do or don't do on what we believe or hope his reaction will be. For those women who grew up in abusive homes, they have thought and behaved in this manner all their lives and have never known how to be an individual. Without intense, professional help, we cannot learn to function as whole human beings, separate from another. Thus, many go back.

We all enter marriage with our own values and standards of appropriate conduct. We do not expect to encounter nor tolerate dishonesty, unfaithfulness, lawlessness nor any type of abuse. You may tell yourself you just cannot tolerate a liar, yet once you discover he's been lying to you, you're forced to make a decision -- to stay or to go. You will probably think, "Am I going to walk out on a marriage over a few little falsehoods? He was probably just afraid I wouldn't understand, that I wouldn't believe the truth, or that it might hurt my feelings. Now that he knows everything is all right, he won't have a reason to lie again." And so you've just moved your yard stick a few inches away from your own values. Then you tell yourself, "I forgave him for lying to me, but one thing I won't stand for is unfaithfulness!" One day you answer the phone and a woman on the other end asks to speak to your husband, only she asks for him by his first name. Your gut ties up in knots, but you don't want to jump to conclusions. You don't want to appear filled with petty jealousy and childish suspicions. He gives an explanation, then suddenly remembers something he has to go take care of. The knot in your stomach grows until it becomes a lump in your throat which you have difficulty swallowing, but you want to believe him. You want to believe he loves you and would never betray you, but deep inside something tells you he is not only lying to you again but is cheating on you as well. You push that thought out of your mind and double your efforts to please him, to be more attractive and desirable. The next thing you know, he's calling you a whore, accusing you of having an affair, or why would you be trying to look so nice lately? He goes into a rage, breaking everything in his path, practically demolishing the entire house. Again, you must make that choice. It's incredibly hard to walk away when you have been falsely accused and your pride is screaming to prove that person is wrong. Through hurtful, angry tears and bouts of vomiting and diarrhea, you clean up the debris from the storm, with almost a vengeful determination to show him you are a good and faithful woman. You tell yourself, "I may clean up broken dishes, but there's no way I'll ever put up with him hitting me!" So you've made your decision and moved your yard stick a little further. Once you find out for certain that he's cheating on you, you're so wrapped up in trying to be prettier, sexier, more loving and pleasing that the knowledge of the other woman becomes fuel to your sense of competition and determination to win. We must prove ourselves the better woman to hold on to what is rightfully ours. We must move that yard stick a little further so we can stay to claim our place as the wife, the beloved.

There may first be a slap across the face or a shove as he continues to accuse you of being and doing everything he is actually guilty of. It is so easy for an objective person, emotionally-uninvolved to clearly see the logical approach. But our minds are so crowded with pain, anger, excuses, false hopes, hurtful words and fear that we are unable to discern reality from fantasy. We are bombarded with such a montage of intense emotion that it is quite impossible to think clearly. It takes about three days to mentally process a crisis, to step out of the shock and regain emotional calmness. If we are not given that recuperation period, we are bound to a constant state of panic. If the home-front is peaceful for those three days following an outburst, a funny thing happens. Without our consent, our minds minimize the occurrence in our present calmness and we are convinced it wasn't really as bad as we had thought. We see dozens of ways we could have prevented it and believe we can control and avert such an instance in the future. We continuously pack more into any given thirty days than most people do in a lifetime.

Actually, it is quite impossible to remain sane and rational, yet you are totally unaware that it is slipping away from you. It happens slowly, subtly like an unknown parasite silently draining the very life out of you. Without ever knowing just when it happens, the abnormal becomes normal. The insanity of his abuse and of your illusions become an accepted way of life. Having already come down with a severe case of insanity, you sometimes realize glimpses of your irrational thinking, yet the mind has a marvelous way of excusing and justifying our actions and intentions. Eventually, you have moved that measuring stick so many times that you've become desensitized and the insanity is familiar, predictable and easier to live with. Without realizing it, you have abandoned and betrayed all your own morals and values and have developed a set of coping skills which enables you to function in the midst of insanity. Alas, the abnormal has become normal.

What makes it even more difficult to convince ourselves to divorce him is the social persona many abusive men portray. Quite commonly, they are charming, congenial fellows, appearing to be socially-enjoyable people. They are flirtatious and complimentary, and attaining female attention is never a problem. Thus, we are constantly threatened by the women we see smiling and flirting with our men, as well as his constant verbal reminders that other women want him. When in public alone, often others will ask about our husbands, saying he is such a nice man and we are so lucky to have a friendly, personable husband. Our hearts are warmed as we think about how charming he can be which only reenforces our idea of what a happy marriage we could have, if only... On the other hand, as we become psychologically beaten down, depressed, lethargic and less than human, those people who don't know what he's really like will ask him what's wrong with his wife. They tell him behind our backs that he could do better and say he must truly love us because it's bound to be difficult to live with a woman who is so lifeless and pathetic. This gives him all the more reason to punish us, badger us and threaten us. We have become an embarrassment to him and we better straighten up our attitude or he'll leave us for another woman. What we fail to realize is that we know what she'd be getting -- the very same we are living with. Instead, we fear another woman might be able to really make him happy and she'd get our prize. Again, we double our efforts to please him.

Once others realize that we are living with abuse and begin to judge and shame us for staying, we are driven to defend and fight for what we believe in. We say we believe in our men, believe in the goodness and tenderness we have witnessed in them. Others do not understand the pain and confusion our men live with nor the reasons they sometimes lose control. But we understand. We sympathize. We encourage. What we truly believe in is our dream -- the dream of a happy, comfortable marriage and what we are actually doing is enabling them to continue being abusive, emotional cripples. They tell us they are learning how to be loving, devoted men by our own actions of love and faithfulness. After being crushed and heart-broken by his fit of insults and piercing criticisms, these words acknowledging our diligent efforts to be good wives are soothing, comforting and promising. We feel validated, appreciated, needed and important. We feel we have gained the much-desired approval and acceptance. Again, we are cruelly teased with false hopes and again we believe the pain and suffering will soon pay off. There is nothing so humiliating as feeling rejected by a reject and we suffer plenty humiliation. To give up and walk away empty handed is to admit we made poor choices in husbands. It is to feel there is something wrong with us for not being able to attract a kind and loving man. Pride steps in and tells us that is not true, pushing us to try to force that man to be a good husband. We know in our hearts we are good, loving, worthwhile women, deserving of respect, loyalty and love, but we assume we are not applying ourselves enough. The problem being that we somehow think his ability to love us is dependant upon our being loveable. It is so hard to break away from that lie. Abusive men are abusive, regardless of who they are with. It is their problem, which has nothing to do with any other person. I never once thought it was my fault or that I deserved punishment, yet I believed my love and understanding could heal him. He constantly reenforced that notion through his desperate pleas of dependance and promises to do better.

There certainly are those bleeding hearts who pity her and smother her in sympathy, but such condolences merely feed her self-pity and feeling of victimization. She has no idea she has a choice. I didn't. I somehow found the strength and courage to leave without an emotional support system, yet I remained crippled, plagued by paranoia, panic attacks, nightmares and an overwhelming sense of impending doom. Physically leaving the man did not free me from him. The far-reaching psychological effects of abuse haunted me unmercifully. It was not until intense therapy taught me that I have choices, I have much more control over my own life than I realized, and that I must take full responsibility for my own mental and emotional well-being, that I began to recover and believe there truly is life after divorce. I had to learn to love myself enough to honestly know in my heart I'd rather be alone than to live with any type of abuse. Again, we are raised in a society which expects women to be married. It's as if there's something wrong with us if we're single -- not worthy, not lovable, not quite right in the head, or a prostitute. Yet, a single man is a swinging bachelor, a stud, a macho man. He's patted on the back. A woman is made to feel worthy, whole, nobel and socially acceptable if she is married. She is also made to feel the success or failure of her marriage is her responsibility.

In addition to all I have already described, there remains the issue of fear. There is nothing moderate with an abusive person, no middle of the road. He is extreme in all his affairs, intense, overly-dramatic, and all or nothing. There is never true calmness in his home, as good days are played out in breath-taking ecstasy and bad days are suffered in unbearable agony. For the physically abused woman, she is absolutely petrified to leave. She knows how bad it is when she lives with him, trying her best to please him, that she fears death if she were to leave and make him really angry. He's threatened to kill her many times if she left, but has also threatened to kill himself. It is always a matter of life and death with the abusive partner and we are the responsible parties. We have been given the power to preserve life or be responsible for the ending of it. We have no idea what awaits us, what horrors, tortures, and punishments may result if we leave. We are prisoners, bound by the fear of his threats.

I am still in awe at the number of men who are so immature that they refuse to take responsibility for their actions, and do not hold other males responsible for their actions, either. There is absolutely nothing anyone can do to "make" me abuse another person. No matter how angry, how hurt, or any other emotion I experience, I am still responsible for my actions. I cannot help how I feel, but I can help how I act. No women or child, has EVER deserved to be abused; not ever, for any reason. Any human being who is so mentally twisted that they inflict such harm upon another deserves professional help. Yet, if that help is refused through the person's unwillingness to be honest with themselves and commit to change, they deserve to be taken out of society permanently. Animals actually have more legal rights to protection than women and children. I just don't understand how our society can incarcerate women for killing their abusive husbands. There's more than one way to take a person's life, death being the most humane. It's against the law to physically kill the man, but it's perfectly fine for him to make her life and the lives of her children a living hell. It's a paradox -- she is supposed to just tolerate it, yet at the same time, everyone says it's her own fault for putting up with it. She deserves that treatment if she's too stupid to put a stop to it. But she can't kill him to put a stop to it. She is blamed for the abuse, blamed for tolerating it, but she has absolutely no help to putting an end to it. On the one hand, society says she is responsible for being abused, yet condemns her for staying with the man because she feels responsible. At the same time she feels it is up to her to stop the abuse, she is condemned for not leaving. It's a catch-22, no matter how you look at it. It's as if she has special powers over this man, capable of controlling his actions and the only thing she can legally do to stop the abuse is to sprinkle magic dust on his head and change him in the twinkling of an eye. I do not blame Kay Weekly for shooting her ex-husband; premeditated or not. She would not be human if she had never thought about killing Jackie. Of course she had thought of killing him! Consider all of the horrendous crimes he had committed against her. She lived with fear, anger, shame, broken promises, renewed hopes, blame, little visions of a brighter future, shattered by more abuse -- physical, psychological, sexual, and emotional. His death was her only freedom, and the only hope of her children ever having a sane childhood. If she had not killed him, I know without a doubt in my mind that he would have eventually killed her. The abuser would be alive, and the children would be motherless, with only the fear and dread of their abusive father someday being paroled. I say Thank God she killed him. There is no happy ending for these situations brought on by abusive men, and sometimes the women just have to choose the lesser of two evils.

As a thirty-nine year old woman of a small town in Oklahoma, I can witness to the fact that girls of my generation, of my culture, and those of so many others, were not raised geared toward college, career and independence. We were raised by a mother who stayed home with the children, who cooked and cleaned, and spent her life being of service to her husband and family. I was so very fortunate to be raised by loving, caring parents, who taught me to be kind, compassionate, loving, and loyal. I am so grateful that I was taught these morals and values growing up, but they were also a great handicap to me, making me a prime candidate for an abusive relationship. Abusers intuitively seek out women who are kind, loyal, sympathetic, and understanding, because they can use these assets against us, until they become our vices. They tell us the heart-wrenching stories of being abused, abandoned, unloved, and we, the care-takers, feel their pain and instinctively want to love their wounds away. We try so desperately to show these men the love and devotion they were deprived of, to prove that we are trust-worthy, where others weren't, that are sincere, where others were deceptive. The more we are falsely accused of being liars, whores, manipulators, and thieves, the more we double our efforts to prove that we will never leave them nor forsake them. You see, we understand that these men are only striking out at us because of their own fears and self-hatred, and more than ever, we feel the call to love them. We become their god, feeling completely responsible for their well-being, even for their very lives, as they tell us over and over that they cannot live without us and even attempt suicide, if we leave. It is the abuser who is the most dependant, while the abusee becomes dependant upon the feeling of being needed, of being so important to someone else's life.

But I have yet to hear any man stand up and say the man is responsible for abusing his wife. Some blatantly blame the women, others simply by-pass the issue, or make weak excuses. Even women, who have never been abused, will look down their noses with self-righteousness and say she got what she deserved for staying; she was spineless, pathetic for putting up with it. I, myself, once made such statements as "No man will ever hit me and get by with it!" It's amazing how all our defenses are demolished in the face of abuse. Our own will to survive becomes lost in the will to make "him" survive and the marriage to survive. We lose our life, our sense of self, and our only purpose in living is to somehow make love, peace, and harmony out of the hell we function in.

I had stood up, proud as a peacock, saying no man will ever abuse me, but one night found myself curled up in a ball, shivering, shaking, bleeding, and numb. I had been reduced to a ball of nothingness, beaten, badgered, blamed, insulted, and threatened by the very man who had vowed to love me, honor me, cherish me; the one person I was supposed to be able to trust, depend on, and feel safe with. I cannot minimize the affects of physical abuse, because I have been physically abused, but bruises go away, cuts heal, and broken bones mend, but the mental and emotional wounds are so far reaching that even after 14 years away from my abuser, I am still sometimes affected by the deep scars of fear, knowing that I am a female, physically weaker than any male. We have suffered not so much from the pain of physical abuse, because, after the first blow, the body's natural defense kicks in and you become numb. It is the trauma of repeated character assassination which kills the very spirit of the person, breaking our self-will and robbing us of dignity, self-respect, self-worth, and individuality -- we become nothing more than an extension of the abuser, trying desperately to sooth "his" wounds, to prove ourselves to him, and to earn his trust and devotion. I never once felt I was to blame, nor ever believed for a moment that the abuse was in any way my fault, but I understood that he was a sick man in great need of love, tenderness, and devotion.

To complicate matters, add the existence of children. We want so desperately to provide our children with a family, mother and father, that we are willing to suffer just about any abuse to try to make this happen. I was raised only with the thought of falling in love, getting married, having children, being a homemaker, and taking the children on family vacations each summer. Subsequently, I believed this was my right as a woman, as a wife and mother, to realize this vision, and I fought for it. I must tell you that there is nothing weak-willed or spineless about a women who lives with an abusive husband. We are extremely strong, with self- will to burn, very powerful individuals, but it is all misdirected, misused. We have the will of ten men, as very few men would ever be willing to do and endure all that we are, just to save a marriage and a family. We have such strong family values, such commitment to marriage and children, that we become willing to go to any lengths to save what is so sacred to us. We are so extremely responsible that we unknowingly take on responsibilities which are not ours, thereby neglecting to be responsible for our own well-being. We have experienced and expressed tenderness, understanding, dedication, and strength far beyond that of any human who has never battled the impossible. And an abusive marriage is impossible, but sometimes it takes many years before we are willing to give up. We invest all our time, energy, emotion, and attention into making the marriage work, that it is extremely difficult to walk away empty-handed, count our loses, and just know that we simply have made a bad investment and have lost everything we have been saving for, striving for, sweating, crying, and bleeding for. After investing my very soul into another human being, I expect to receive love, devotion, and joy in return, not just finally give up and walk away without love, without intimacy, without my dream of a happy marriage.

Men hold up the image of woman, perfect in her inward beauty, to love, nurture, and dedicate her life to her husband and children; in its highest honor to be a homemaker, a loving mother, a loyal wife; to treat her husband like a king, lavishing attention and affection upon him, to honor his decisions, as man of the house, to cook his meals and draw his bath after a long, hard day at work, to create beauty in the home so that it is peaceful, comfortable, inviting, to her husband and his visitors. We are taught, by the men of this society, that we are expected, as wives, to be loving, supportive, understanding, faithful, and undyingly devoted, and in return, we will be rewarded with love, intimacy, tenderness, and security. But when the marriage is abusive, suddenly this devoted women is no longer held in high regard, not by her husband and not by society. Suddenly, she is considered weak, spineless, pathetic, and foolish. I was never a fool for doing my part, for living up to my vows, for being the very best wife I knew how to be; it was my ex- husband who was the fool.

As for all the women who are sitting in prison right now for murder, because they ended someone's life in self-defense, I say it is unfair, but surely no worse than what she lived with before. She may have taken a man's life, but he had already taken hers and no one cared. She had to choose between living in fear, bondage, and unending control of this twisted man for the rest of her life, with the horrible guilt and shame of what her children had to endure, or face the consequences of ending it once and for all. Why is it, in this country so civilized outwardly, we are still so barbaric, so childish inwardly? No one was ever going to be able to protect Kay and her children, but Kay. She did the only thing she could do, and I believe she is noble in doing so. She is being made to sacrifice years with her children, but her only other option was to sacrifice her children, by allowing this sick man to continue to terrorize their lives. I do not believe this woman deserves to be in jail, but it is really a small price to pay when considering the only other choice she had.

I think it is very clear and understandable why our society continues to blame and punish the abusee, why people still say it is the woman who is weak, spineless, foolish, dependant. If people were to ever admit that it is the abuser who is so weak and spineless that he has to make himself feel like a man by beating up on a woman, then everyone would have to take a look at themselves, stop blaming others for their own character weaknesses, and accept responsibility for their actions.

Please note that nowhere in this writing have I labeled myself the "victim". I do not believe there are victims; only volunteers. I do not consider myself a victim of abuse, but a volunteer. I had a choice, and for years, I chose to do everything in my power to try to heal that man with my love and to create the kind of marriage and family I knew was possible. I take full responsibility for that choice, and I suffered the consequences, not of being loving and devoted, but of "casting my pearls before swine". Stock prices were falling, but I continued to invest anyway, believing it would make a recovery -- I was wrong. Not all are as fortunate as I. Divorce does not end the hell for every abused woman.

No, we are not weak and spineless. Far from it! We have the strength and fortitude of a dozen people. We have to, in order to do all that we do in any given day. Those of us who have lived in abusive marriages are not victims nor antagonizers, and neither are we inadequate wives. We have done our part to make the marriage work, but it cannot be done alone. If it were possible for only one spouse to create a successful marriage, we are the ones who could do it, as we have carried full responsiblity for the quality and content of the relationship, as well as obligations to the children, family members, friends, and finances. We have done everything in our knowledge and power to be the best wives and mothers we know how to be, and we are the ones who have fulfilled our marriage vows. We have paid a debt, for crimes we never committed, and continue to pay over and over through the stigmas and misconceptions of society.

In closing, I would like to say, if you are in an abusive marriage, there is hope for your future. I cannot offer you any hope whatsoever that your husband will ever change and become the man you beieve he is in his heart. Whether that man actually exists or not has nothing to do with your chances of ever sharing a happy marriage with him. You owe him nothing, yet you owe yourself and your children the right to safety, peace, and respect. Every human being is entitled to a life free of fear, ridicule, and instability. I cannot tell you when or how to leave, and it will do you no good to condem yourself for staying. Just know this one basic priniciple: "It takes what it takes" and none of us know what it will take to get to that place where we can choose to walk away and stay away for good.

Ask yourself each morning, "Am I going to stay or am I going to leave?" If you are ready to leave, something magic happens and you will just go without haivng to debate it in your mind. You will just know. If your answer is that you're going to stay one more day, then it is your responsibility to make the best of the situation. You will find many suggestions for doing just that throughout this course.