ARTICLES/FIVE WAYS TO MINIMIZE STRESS

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The Cafe' Chronicles at SoHo/Coffeehouse/6832/

MAIN COURSES/ENTREES
* WOOD WORKING FOR LIFE
* WOOD SHOP DESIGNS
A Memorial to my Dad
* BLESS THE CHILDREN
* WOLF BITTEN
* FIVE WAYS TO MINIMIZE STRESS
* SEVEN SUCCESSFUL SECRETS
* ANGRY ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS?
* SELF-HONESTY ~
To Thine Own Self Be True

Five Ways to Minimize Stress
and Maximize Energy

by:
Gayla L. Pledger
( © copyright - Gayla L. Pledger )
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Webster defines stress as strain, pressure, urgency, importance, and my personal favorite -- a specific force which strains or deforms. I can relate to the latter. Stress is quite deforming, in my opinion. I then flipped over to the definition of pressure and found it described as a state of distress, a compelling influence, and again, the one I like best -- the force per unit of area exerted upon a surface. The force which strains and deforms my surface is my five year old son twisted around my legs when I'm trying to remove a hot pan from the oven or yelling at me, from the other end of the house, to come there when I'm on the phone with a disgruntled creditor. Stress is disappointment, interruptions, urgency, and trying to do ten things at once while pleasing no one. In many different ways, we unknowingly create more stress for ourselves than any outside influence. Likewise, we can eliminate much of the tension in our lives by re-directing our energies.

KNOW WHO YOU ARE:
Clearly define yourself, your roles and responsibilities. Then be responsible for your own well-being. Determine your part and draw that invisible line where your duties end and another's begin. Don't cross that boarder without a mutual compromise. If you are being taken advantage of, you are allowing it. A complaint which is not backed up by action is merely a complaint and silence is often acceptance by default. Everyone has heard the old saying, "Robbing Peter to pay Paul." If you are always taking a back seat to others and settling for what's left after everyone else gets what they want, you are a Peter by consent. If you want to be a Paul, you must act accordingly, regardless of how uncomfortable it feels. You will eventually feel like a Paul if you act like a Paul long enough. In the initial stages of implementing personal change, we cannot gauge ourselves by feelings. While the self-defeating behavior caused resentment or depression, the new approach may feel you are in the wrong. Breaking out of old behavior patterns is uncomfortable. You must take opposing actions strictly by trusting you will ultimately feel good about yourself.

Be aware of your own identity. Make a list of your likes, dislikes, wants, needs, goals, morals, principles, and expectations. You can generalize in some areas and be more specific in others. The significant thing is to uncover what is important to you personally, discover what makes you who you are and to discard the behaviors which are in direct opposition to your success. To see your life more objectively, ask yourself these questions:

Am I being myself or am I trying to fit into a mold someone has made for me?

Am I suppressing part of my personality in trying to please another?

Am I free to speak my mind and present my needs, or do I feel inhibited to express myself?

Am I willing to make the conscious effort to verbalize my needs and ideas, and to practice self-restraint when tempted to badger or blame another?

Blame and guilt are two sides of false-pride. The first says I am above being at fault, the second proclaims I am so important, I must be accountable for everything. Blame is merely a crutch which helps us feel superior, while guilt traps us in self-pity, and they both enable us to remain irresponsible.
Know who you are and be true to yourself.

KNOW WHO YOU WANT TO PLEASE

We're all aware that no one can please everyone, yet those who determine to please only themselves are not happy, either. The answer lies in self-satisfaction, but you must know how it is accomplished. Focusing on yourself to the extent you disregard the feelings and needs of others is not the answer. Abusing opportunities and taking advantage of another is not the remedy. These actions are selfish and self-seeking, but not fulfilling. When we focus on pleasing ourselves, first and foremost, we must consider the consequences. "How will this make me feel about myself later?" Neglecting your responsibilities, disregarding another's feelings, or seeking revenge against someone who angered you may all bring momentary satisfaction. It may feel good to blow off steam at your spouse or children, but how do these things make you feel about yourself in the long run? We can only be true to ourselves when our conscience does not condemn us for our actions.

Most of us want to gain acceptance and approval, and we all want to please ourselves, as well. There's nothing wrong with these desires unless either is taken to an extreme, where it then becomes destructive. Healthy relationships naturally involve giving of ourselves to please those around us. It becomes unhealthy when satisfying another means infringing on our personal code of ethics. It is also necessary for our well-being to please ourselves. Yet, this is damaging when we become so involved in our own interests that the needs of others are bothersome. If you are acting according to what you believe is good, but still suffer from depression and resentment, it's time to take an honest look at your motivations. Here is a little quiz:

Am I doing what I honestly believe is right, or what I believe must be done to keep peace?

Are my actions based solely on my own morals, or am I motivated by an expected response?

Am I doing what I truly want to do, or simply what someone else wants from me?

Do I want to do what another is asking, or do I fear the consequences if I refuse? Or will I feel guilty for saying no?

If I am thoughtful of others, yet find myself secretly angry, my actions are loaded with expectations. Kindness and generosity can be just as selfish and manipulative as outright coercion. If my motive is to gain a specific response or reward, the result is a feeling of martyrdom and resentment when the recipient fails to fulfill my desires. There is nothing wrong with hoping to receive, but am I verbalizing my wants or expecting others to read my mind?
Certainly we all must do things we don't particularly want to do at the time if we are to be mature adults. The question is, am I doing what I believe is the right and responsible thing to do, or am I being manipulated and controlled by either a fear of rejection or motivated by guilt?

On the other hand, do I feel resentful even when being responsible for my obligations? If so, is it because I secretly feel the needs of others are an inconvenience to me? Acceptance also plays a vital role in eliminating stress. There may simply be unpleasant responsibilities we cannot change. The solution is to stop resisting and adopt an attitude which enables us to make the best of the situation. Do not confuse acceptance with approval. You don't have to approve to accept the facts and you cannot force yourself to like the unlikable. Acceptance is simply the ability to know we must deal with a certain situation which is beyond our control. It is the fortitude to say to ourselves, "This, I do not like. It's unfortunate and I wish it were different, but it isn't. Therefore, what can I do to make this situation as pleasant or tolerable as possible?"

Learning to control our thoughts and emotions takes time and dedication, and the starting point is controlling your actions. The quality and content of your life is a direct result of your choices. While it is good to live in peace with all people, sometimes the only way to be at peace with a person is not directly involve yourself in their life. Be as flexible as possible, calmly going with the flow of events, but never betray your our own morals.

Where is my commitment and dedication?

Is it directed towards a person, place, situation, or idea?

Is it placed where I want it to be, or have I unknowingly misdirected my energies?

Am I focused on my own choices and attitudes, or am I burning energy in a futile attempt to control my environment?

Know what you believe is right, decent and appropriate. What is true for another may not be right for you. Follow that which makes you comfortable with yourself. Don't move away from this and don't allow another to disrespect your standards. We can make compromises with our time, attention and activities, but don't ever compromise your integrity. Get your priorities in order and live by them.

KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GOING

One thing is certain -- we either work by priority or by pressure. We either make it a priority to get things done or we procrastinate, then hurriedly work under the pressure of a deadline and fear of consequence. Get organized and establish your goals. Lack of organization lends not only to procrastination, but increases stress and decreases motivation. Maximize your time and energy at home and on the job by keeping your work area organized. Maintain order in your life by periodically spot-checking your course of action. When you find yourself tense and discouraged, re- evaluate your focus and re-establish your list of priorities. It's incredibly easy to get off track.

Make a written list of your goals and then answer these questions:

What is truly important to me, which I wish to achieve and maintain?

Am I presently allowing another's disinterest or disapproval to inhibit my personal or professional dreams?

Am I settling for less than what my heart desires, secretly thinking I probably can't have it anyway?

Is the fear of failure, uncertainty or loss keeping me from having confidence in my aspirations?

Where is my life presently headed? If I keep doing what I'm doing now, where will I be in ten or twenty years?

Am I advancing towards the successful accomplishment of an important goal?

A great deal of life's satisfactions lie in the planning, striving and anticipation. Without something to hope for and look forward to, the human spirit withers. If you are not moving forward, you are surely regressing. Life does not stand still. Establish your goals and priorities, then organize a practical plan for reaching your aspirations. Remember, you are the one who must live with your decisions. If you betray your heart's desire, you have made the supreme sacrifice which you will come to regret and resent.
Know where your life is going and be confident about the path you take, even if others don't understand or agree.

STAY FOCUSED

Don't get distracted by distractions. Interruptions are among the top-ranked sources of stress. It is so difficult to accomplish a task when unrelated matters present themselves for immediate attention. Actually, the interruption does not create the stress -- the villain is our own reaction. Interruptions are often necessary and can serve valuable purposes when seen objectively. It may force us to take a much-needed break, momentarily clearing our thoughts and giving us the opportunity to return with a fresh mental start. Being interrupted might prevent us from making a mistake. We often run on automatic pilot, operating from a subconscious level, even when driving a car. A jolt to our attention could be a life-saver. Certainly too many or obviously unnecessary interruptions must be eliminated. Yet, before you even attempt to accomplish a task, just know the day will not go exactly as you've planned. Be grateful! How boring life would be if we were in complete control. How many unexpected benefits we would deprive ourselves of.

Expect interruptions and accept them as a part of life. To the best of your ability, relax and let the day evolve. The person on the other end of the phone who seems to be wasting your time may turn out to possess the very answer you've been looking for. It is our resistance to delays which creates our stress and tension. Rather than seeing a hindrance, try looking at every deterrent as a possible opportunity and every problem as a challenging puzzle to be solved. Welcome each occasion for character building, knowing that every trying situation offers you its gift of dignity and endurance.
You can evaluate your level of self-inflicted tension by honestly answering these questions:

Am I trying to control other people or my environment?

Am I waiting for something outside myself to change so I can be happy, fulfilled, successful?

Do I feel my lack of achievement is due to the expectations and demands placed on me by other people and situations?

Do I blame my inhibitions and weaknesses on others, resigning myself to helplessly staying the way I am?

Do I do for others what they could do for themselves?

Though I complain about the burden of having so many responsibilities, do I perpetuate others' dependance on me so I feel needed?

Know what you can and cannot control. Then be willing to focus only on your own attitudes and actions. When hardships arise, how quickly our attention is turned to the problem. Avoid the impulse to mentally resist the uncontrollable. By fretting and complaining, we are defeating the solution, not the problem. The answer is always inner change and growth. Let life unfold and cease every opportunity for knowledge, advancement, and personal growth. Character building may not seem like such a desirable goal, but its advantages extend to every area of life. Without a strong mental constitution and emotional balance, our accomplishments as well as facing life's certain difficulties are much more strenuous.
The next thing to keep in mind is not getting side-tracked. As important and beneficial as interruptions can sometimes be, you still must stay focused. Whether in a daily task or in the business of personal values and goals, don't allow distractions to distract you from your priorities. Being open-minded to outside views concerning your aspirations is advantageous, but don't allow the opposing interests or opinions of another to discredit your goals or manipulate your priorities. Reaching our dreams is difficult enough with our own fears of inadequacy and limitation. Share your heart's desire only with those who are supportive and encouraging. Stay focused on what is important to you and don't let any person or event damage your confidence.

DON'T BE A SUPER-HERO

Refusing to ask for help is yet another source of self-induced stress. This is particularly difficult for the perfectionist, feeling no one else will get things done properly. While some tasks must done in a specific manner, others are merely a matter of personal preference. When you are over-loaded with outward responsibilities, chances are you don't have time to take care of yourself. The results are improper nourishment, fatigue, isolation, and resentment. These physical and emotional strains are a crippling combination, oppressing your creative energies and damaging your overall well-being. We must be responsible for ourselves to effectively fulfill all other obligations.
Set aside thirty to forty-five minutes a day for personal, uninterrupted sanction. Utilize this small portion of time to get your priorities in line. Establish your goals and strategies for the day and simply collect your thoughts before being bombarded with the rush and demands of life in progress. You may have to give up an hour of sleep, but establishing this time of solitude will allow you to be far more creative and efficient than if you hit the floor running each morning.

When planning the day's activities, decide how best to delegate responsibilities. Evenly distribute chores and ease up on your expectations of perfection. When you find yourself annoyed because something isn't performed to your specifications, ask yourself, "How important is it?" If you overly concerned with everything being done perfectly and gritting your teeth over the inadequacies of others, you'll never have the time nor patience to accomplish what's really important to you.
If you are one who is constantly carrying more than your fair share of responsibilities, these questions will help you recognize your driving force.

Do I feel it's easier to do things myself than wait for someone to help me?

Would I rather do all the chores than listen to another complain while doing them?

Do I believe that to have something done right, I must do it?

Does asking for help cause me to feel inadequate, or would I rather feel another is indebted to me than to feel obligated to anyone?

Do I fear I would be imposing by asking for help and don't want to risk rejection?

Do I believe I must be super-human to prove my worth, or to feel worthy?

Our inherent fear of failure, inadequacy and rejection causes us to feel our lives are unmanageable and our dreams unattainable. Hiding behind our pride, we tell ourselves it is other people and situations which create the stress in our lives and prevent our success. Dare to honestly know yourself and honor your values. Assume responsibility to charter the realization of your dreams and, with confidence, stay focused on your priorities. When your emotions or those of another are in direct conflict with your personal ethics, by all means, honor your principles, not the feelings.

Self-honesty requires a willingness to face the truth, a commitment to change, and the dedication to being the best person you can be. It takes practice and you may not always like what you find, yet a satisfying life without regret will be your ultimate reward. By re-directing our energy, we all can minimize the stress in our lives, thereby maximizing our accomplishments.

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