Build Emotional Intimacy 

Make a thoughtful effort to touch your spouse in a non-sexual manner everyday. This encourages emotional intimacy through our inherent ability to nurture the human spirit. Hug your husband as soon as he gets home from work. Even if he's dirty and sweaty, don't act as if it turns you off. Let him know you love him, not the way he looks or smells. Remember, if his occupation leaves him needing a bath, hugging him in spite of the grime is another way of letting him know you appreciate his hard work.
     During the course of the evening, touch his shoulder as you walk passed. Stand next to him while he's seated and run your fingers through his hair as you say something kind. Sit beside him and hold his hand while watching TV. If he's one who plants himself in the recliner, walk over to his throne and kiss him on the forehead when you get up for a drink or to use the rest room. Then ask if you can get him anything while you're up.
     Think of ways you can do something nice for your husband every day. It doesn't have to be monumental -- just some little act of kindness to show your interest in what pleases him. Make his favorite dessert once a week, then fill in the remaining six days with a smaller act. Offer to rub his shoulders or draw his bath. Cook his favorite dinner, especially if it's something you don't particularly care for. Buy him a box of chocolates, write a poem for him or iron his work shirts. Think of at least one minor action each day you can do just for him.
     Husbands, if you will put forth the effort to take these actions of love, you will find your wife to be more attentive, affectionate and content. We all need physical contact which is not limited to nor geared towards the bedroom. Sexual intercourse alone does not constitute intimacy, though many people confuse it as such. What appears to be an excessive sex drive is actually a spiritual void, a need for oneness. Most extra-marital affairs result not from a sexual desire but from a lack of emotional intimacy. Building the feeling of camaraderie, trust and dependability with your spouse will in turn, greatly enhance the quality and frequency of love-making. As emotional intimacy is nurtured, physical intimacy will be a natural response.

 Wear A Smile Everyday 

As much as possible, be cheerful. This is not to say you shouldn't voice your concerns and emotions, but you don't have to wear them. You may be upset, angry or just stressed, but going around in a bad mood doesn't solve anything -- it's merely a way of punishing those around you. It takes more effort to act pleasant when you don't feel pleasant, but a part of being an adult means we don't always act on our emotions -- especially the negative ones. Being an emotional ice burg or administering a verbal thrashing will rarely avail you a solution. This creates a tense and defensive atmosphere, making it extremely difficult or even impossible to engage in an effective discussion with your partner.
     Men are not exempt from practicing self-restraint as God has instructed us all to be temperate, yet women bear a further responsibility in this area. If you will try a little experiment and pay close attention to the results, you will discover that you, the wife and mother, set the emotional atmosphere in your home. Have you ever noticed when you're ill, your children tend to be cranky and more dependant and Husband generally thinks he's coming down with it, too? Your family's mood will almost always follow your lead. You may feel this lays an unfair burden on your shoulders believing you, too are entitled to a bad day once in awhile. Like it or not, this is just an intrinsic quality God has given to women. Put forth the conscious effort to act as if you're cheerful, attentive and patient and regardless of how you feel, you will in effect be those things.
     Couples need to establish a designated time to spend together in conversation. Set aside at least thirty minutes a day, possibly just before going to bed. Turn off the television or radio and devote to one another your undivided attention. Spend this time together visiting about your day, your concerns, grievances, goals and upcoming events. Talk and laugh as friends or discuss problems and clear the air over misunderstandings.
When the topic is grievances, follow the "THREE-C RULE":

    Verbalize your own thoughts, feelings and needs without placing blame, sounding superior or pitiful. Avoid being defensive, prideful or acting crushed if your partner expresses a difference of opinion or desire. This is the time you most need to treat your marriage like a business venture. State the facts clearly and practice attentive listening. For any business to thrive, each partner must avoid emotional outbursts while employing logic, objectivity and sound judgement. A successful partnership has the ability to stay focused on the best interests of the business, knowing personal fulfillment depends upon unity. At times, you may find that the very characteristics which attracted you to your mate are the ones which can anger you the most! Remember that there doesn't always have to be a "right" and a "wrong" ~ but simply a difference of perception. Mutual respect for our individuality is of utmost importance. Learning effective communication isn't easy and it does require painstaking practice, but this will probably be the most priceless jewel in your treasure chest.

 Uphold Family Traditions 

Gathering for holidays at Grandmother's house, preparing specific foods on certain occasions, birthday parties and family reunions are among the more well-known traditions. Yet, you or your spouse may have been raised with other consistencies which you hadn't necessarily considered in terms of tradition. Having a garden and canning your own vegetables, making home-made jelly, family devotion time, having pan cakes every weekend or gathering at the kitchen table before going to bed may be pleasant reminders of childhood. Couples can discuss their family traditions and reminisce of fond memories growing up. Discover those activities which hold importance or sentiment and commit yourself to maintaining them.
     If one of you came from a home without special traditions, enthusiastically join in your partner's heritage. You may feel uneasy at first, if family gatherings are uncustomary to you, but you can act your way into feeling comfortable. The best approach to feeling a part of the family is to be of service. When invited to such an event, ask what you can bring. Once you arrive, throw yourself into the spirit of the occasion and follow the lead of other family members. Take your proper place in the family unit and assume the appropriate role. You might consider your parents or in-laws may be ready to retire from the routine of having Thanksgiving or other such gatherings and you could volunteer to continue this tradition in your own home.
     It's important that you and your spouse establish traditions for your own immediate family, as well -- vacationing at the same place once a year, playing board games on Saturday night or having pot roast every Sunday. Such consistencies build joyful memories and strong values for your marriage and family. Actively involve your children in every family tradition, allowing them to participate in preparations. In assigning your children active roles, you are giving them a rightful place and purpose in the family structure. Traditions are so important, as they support and nurture the sense of dependability, belonging and unity.

 Present A United Front 

If you have children, reach a mutual understanding with your partner about child-raising techniques, rules, expectations and discipline. Children are one of the major contributors to conflict in a marriage. Even so, please be aware, as children may produce a supply of tension or argument, they are not the root of the problem. The source comes from within, derived from our own fears and insecurities. We teach our children how to behave, to maneuver and how to treat us. We cannot ever blame our children and must always assume responsibility for the problems and the solutions.
     This principle applies to all difficulties. I believe the whole of life can be broken down into two parts -- finances and relationships. Every conceivable problem we face falls under one of these two categories. Therefore, unity should be a guiding force when dealing with other family members and friends as well. Any time your partner feels you are placing another person first, taking someone else's side or allowing another to interfere in your marriage, a crack will form in the structure of your relationship. In marriage, your loyalty must always be to your spouse -- and loyalty is not limited to sexual faithfulness. We each made the vow to forsake all others and cleave only unto our spouse. Achieving mutual agreements and a unified front are the best defense against these common pitfalls.

 Honor Your Commitments 

With the divorce rate in the United States presently standing at 50%, it's obvious that couples are finding it more and more difficult to honor their commitments. In a society so geared towards our emotional natures, young people often fail to learn this invaluable lesson of maturity. There certainly are pleasant emotions involved in marriage, but being in love does not make us exempt from the unpleasant. We continue to face a growing number of temptations which evoke various emotional responses. A stable marriage, strong enough to survive the countless events in life which bombard us with emotional upheavals, is able to grow from these experiences rather than merely endure them. Commit yourself to acting according to your spiritual principles, morals and responsibilities, regardless of your feelings. This will give you control of your emotions, disallowing them to determine your decisions and actions.
     A common escape many utilize is to simply not make commitments. Rather than promising to help a neighbor next weekend or take your children to the park after dinner, it's easier to put them on hold and decide how you feel when the time arrives. You may be too tired or something else may arise that you'd rather do, so instead of possibly breaking a promise, you just don't make one. You've made no commitment to honor because you are honoring your feelings. Such a marriage has little chance for survival. Children cannot learn loyalty and respect without the security of dependability, trust and structure. Ultimately, we must make promises and honor our commitments, not our feelings.
     Basing your decisions and actions on the way you feel is equivalent to the man who built his house upon the shifting sand. Our foundation must be the rock of prayer and faith, but faith without works is dead. It remains our individual responsibility to build and maintain the structure through our actions of commitment, devotion and self-discipline. Our divine assignment is to put into practice the instructions God has provided and He will bless our efforts.
     Encouragement, appreciation, affection, effective communication, intimacy, unity and commitment are seven priceless jewels no marriage should be without, yet they are not free. These simple guidelines will aid you on your life-long journey of acquiring and preserving these riches. May your treasure chest always be full.

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by ~ Gayla L. Pledger
( © copyright - Gayla L. Pledger )
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

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