Code: J, C

Rating: PG

Dedication: To Jenn, of course. As always, she provided encouragement and showed remarkable faith. Thanks for inviting me into your One World Universe. I am having mucho fun!

Credits: I really must thank my beta readers who probably wondered if this was ever going to be finished. Elaine, Kat, and Jenn-- I couldn't have done this without any of you. Thank you very very much.

Captain Janeway picked up a PADD from the desk she was sitting behind in her ready room. She barely glanced at it, staring instead at her ready room door, waiting for the inevitable chime. He wasn't going to give up.

"Come," she stated tersely, unsurprised when her first officer strode through the door.

"Am I interrupting you, Kathryn?" he asked, his eyes sympathetic. It annoyed her.

She sighed; he wanted to talk. Usually, his use of her given name secretly pleased her. Tonight however, she knew what it meant and was not looking forward to the conversation he wanted to have.

"No, have a seat Chakotay."

"Actually, I was hoping I could persuade you to join me for dinner." He grinned. "I have some holodeck time saved up, we could take a picnic on the boat and go sailing on Lake George. We haven't done that in a long time. Or I just finished working on a new program; a small restaurant owned by a friend I had back home. I'm not sure if I got the ambiance exactly right, but..."

"Commander," she interrupted brusquely, shaking her head, "I really haven't got the time." She busied herself with her computer screen, absently looking from it to the PADD she held in her hand, not really seeing either one.

Several moments passed before she realized he was staring at her in silence. She glanced up, feeling slightly guilty, then annoyed for feeling that way.

She met his eyes. Felt his concern for her and sighed again. "I'm sorry Chakotay, I know what you're going to say and I just don't feel like having this conversation right now. Maybe...another time."

"Kathryn," he said softly, "you still have to eat. You've been off duty for over an hour." He smiled when she shot a surprised glance to the chronometer on her desk. "I promise, just a meal and pleasant conversation, we wont talk about anything you don't feel like bringing up."

She stood up and rubbed her neck; it protested with a loud creak at being craned over her desk for so long. She gave a quick glance upwards, slightly sheepish as her First Officer smiled. She could feel the 'I told you so' emanating from his entire being.

"You win." She smiled wryly, rolling her eyes as his smile widened.

* * * * * *

"Deck 4." Chakotay glanced at the Captain, standing beside him in the turbolift, and smiled. "Plan B," he smirked. "I had a feeling you wouldn't be up to visiting in public this evening, so I had the replicator programmed to serve the dinner in my quarters as well."

She rewarded him with a small smile. "Am I getting to be so predictable, Commander?

"Predictable?" he couldn't stop the chuckle. "No. No, Kathryn, I would say that you are definitely *not* predictable. Stubborn---yes."

He was still smiling as they walked towards his quarters. He keyed in his codes and gestured for her to have a seat. It wasn't often the Captain dined in his quarters-- in fact she rarely came here at all. He was usually the one to go to her quarters when they ate together. Kathryn Janeway liked to be in control. Even in entertaining.

They ate in silence for the most part. She almost smiled at how easy it was, sitting here in his quarters, a companionable silence. He wouldn't press the issue that she knew was preying on his mind. She was grateful for that.

"Would you like something to drink, Kathryn?" he asked after they had finished their meal.

"Thank you, that would be nice," she answered quietly.

He stared at her, seeing the dark circles under her eyes for the first time. It was obvious she was exhausted, feeling the strain of the past few days. But he had promised only pleasant conversation. He ordered a bottle of merlot and brought it, along with two long stemmed wine glasses, towards the living area. Janeway followed him to the couch and sat down, leaning her head back.

"Dinner was delicious Chakotay. One day I would like to visit the restaurant you programmed on the holodeck and maybe even meet the owner." She smiled at him warmly, somehow knowing this particular program meant a lot to him. "Thank you."

He smiled back, dimples prominent and she laughed.

"You always know what to say to me Chakotay. This has been quite a week, for all of us, and yet here you are making sure I eat, and even relax and enjoy myself." Her smile faltered as she recalled the past few days.

Kashyk.

"Do you want to talk about it Kathryn?" He spoke softly, and she turned her eyes to his. This time she didn't mind the sympathy she saw. He was offering comfort.

Trust.

She trusted him more than anyone and he really was a good listener, confidant. She turned her head away from him, though, focusing her attention on a painting that was hanging on the wall.

"I think it started even before we entered Devore space." She paused for a moment her fingers digging into the back of the couch, then clenching into her palm. "Seven come to see me; she wanted to talk." Kathryn smiled a little at the memory, glancing again to Chakotay, who was watching her intently. "I'm not sure I was much help. I didn't know what to say to her," she laughed wearily. "Seven is growing up. But she did say some things that made me start thinking, re-evaluating my life. I believe she wanted some motherly advice, though *she* may not have seen it that way." She sighed, giving him a wry look. "I didn't think I was old enough for a daughter Seven's age."

"Kathryn," he smiled, "I don't think..."

She waved her hand absentmindedly, "I know, she looks to me as a mentor, a guide to humanity as it were. I don't mind, in fact, most of the time I quite enjoy our conversations. She has come so far." Her voice turned almost wistful. "I remember the first few weeks after she arrived. I wasn't sure I could reach her to be honest, and now look at her, in love and dare I say happy?"

Chakotay's smile grew a little wider. "Kathryn, are you jealous of a certain helmsman now that he has diverted the attentions of your protégé?"

"Jealous?" she laughed derisively, looking away from his eyes, which were twinkling with barely concealed amusement.

She couldn't even begin the statement she had been about to make, how ridiculous it was to think she could be jealous. She looked at him again, intending to return his amusement and found she could not. His expression had changed as well, as he searched her face. She lowered her eyes.

Silence.

It smothered all laughter, all amusement. She felt rather than saw the concern in his eyes. She could read him so well. It was comforting in a way, but also disconcerting. He didn't speak, knowing her as well as he did, just waited for her to go on.

He reached out for her hand which was resting on the back of the couch and covered it with his for a moment, stroking the back of her fingers with his thumb, offering comfort, moving it only when he felt her relax.

She looked over at him, with a small smile. "I think you hit closer to home than you realized Chakotay. I think I am a little envious of Seven, if you can believe it."

His eyebrow rose slightly, "I was only joking Kathryn."

She smiled again, reaching for his arm, giving it a small squeeze. "Oh I know you were Chakotay, in fact I think I only just realized this myself. I suppose it explains my feelings regarding the Devore incident." She sighed, bringing her hand to her forehead, rubbing her temple. It looked like they were going to get into it tonight after all. Perhaps talking about it would help. She really didn't feel like calling it a night yet anyway. She picked up her previously ignored wineglass and took a sip.

He waited for her to continue.

"Seven needed some advise." she began. "It seems that her relationship with Tom is growing more serious and she had some questions regarding human sexuality." She paused, drawing in a breath. "I admit, it got me thinking Chakotay."

"It's lonely at the top," he said softly. He knew she heard him, even though she was looking at her hands. "And I can understand your feelings. Seven of Nine, a former Borg drone..."

"Yes," she interrupted. He detected a slight bitterness to her tone. "A former drone." She closed her eyes, leaning her head back against the couch.

"It's been so long Chakotay," her voice, barely audible. "I've almost forgotten what it's like to just be myself. To be with someone I love," she stopped, suddenly feeling self-conscious. She shook her head, she must really be tired, to be sitting here, saying this to the one man on Voyager she had almost let herself... She sighed again.

New Earth.

Had they remained any longer, taken that boat trip perhaps, the one he had suggested just before Voyager arrived....

They had grown so close on that planet. Her best friend. She had fallen in love with him, though she hadn't let on. It was for the best in the end; she would have hurt him terribly had she revealed her feelings at that time. When Voyager returned for them, she had had to return to Captain Janeway. She couldn't let herself become involved with a member of her crew. But while it had just been the two of them....

He watched the play of emotions cross her face. He knew she was thinking of their time together. What they felt for each other went beyond mere friendship; they had shared something extraordinary. Living alone, depending upon one another. He knew exactly what they had gained when Voyager had rescued them.

And what they had lost.

"I do understand Kathryn," he said quietly, "It isn't easy, especially given our situation. All we have on Voyager is each other. As the Captain, you can't allow yourself to form romantic attachments. There aren't many options for you."

"There are none," she stated simply. She looked into his eyes, "I thought maybe, with Kashyk..." she stopped. "That was a bad judgement call. I let myself hope a little too much that he had changed."

Chakotay looked away, not wanting her to see the shadow that crept across his face. He busied himself by refilling their wineglasses before picking his glass up and taking a sip. "You're lonely," he acknowledged. "Kashyk was an....interesting man. But your intuition was right, and he wasn't to be trusted." Regaining his composure he studied her face. "You did the right thing Kathryn, you protected those in need and you saved the ship."

She laughed without humour. "Hardly, Chakotay. Though we did get away, it was because of Kashyk. He let us go because we outwitted him." She paused, " I don't think he was evil, just ignorant. And a product of an intolerant culture." She gave a small smile, staring over his shoulder, eyes distant, remembering. "I still wish he'd stuck to the bargain. Still wish that he'd stayed." She shook her head. "What does that say about me?"

"The burden of command Kathryn. We all need someone to love and for that matter, someone to love us in return. Four years is a long time." He sighed, taking her hand from the back of the sofa again, holding it in his own, "A long time."

The gesture was friendly, not intended as a romantic overture but Kathryn quickly snatched her hand away.

"It's not the same for you Chakotay," she insisted, aware that he was a little hurt at her abruptness, but suddenly feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. "You can and do have the option of..." she paused, and began again, "no one would question you if you had an affair with an alien woman, or even someone from the ship. You are free to make choices I don't have." She clenched her hands into fists, knowing she should stop this conversation, yet unable to stop the frustration she was feeling.

He didn't know what it felt like to be in her situation. No one could.

She hadn't really thought about having children before, but now that the choice had been all but taken from her, she was angry. What if she had wanted a husband? Mark, she thought. He'd been her future, part of it at least, a part she realized now she'd taken for granted. And children. There would be no children for her now. No family, no dogs, no life but Captain Janeway.

"I love Voyager, Chakotay," she said quietly, yet sincerely, "but I never wanted to be only a Captain. I always thought I had the ability to be both Captain and Kathryn. Being here has changed that; I don't feel I can be both anymore." She looked at him, slightly accusing. "Please, don't tell me that you understand how I feel."

Chakotay darkly returned her stare. "You really don't know me at all then, Kathryn. I had the same hopes and dreams for my life that you had. And I am in the same position as you on Voyager, whether you think so or not. You choose not to commit to a relationship with a member of your crew for many reasons, I respect and admire that. But we are far from Starfleet command, and I don't think they would court martial you for getting involved with a member of your crew, considering the present circumstances. I happen to agree with your reasons for not getting involved however, and have applied them to myself as well. My choice, yes. As is yours, your choice."

Kathryn realized she had gone too far. She hadn't meant to let it come to this and reached out, placing her hand on his knee. "Chakotay," she began, but he quieted her with a look.

"Please, let me finish Kathryn, I need to say this." He shifted, and she removed her hand, realizing it was making him uncomfortable.

"If you are thinking that because I have had a few...romantic encounters on our journey, I am not missing out on love and companionship, you are mistaken." He looked into blue eyes, softened now with regret. He broke the gaze, willing himself to finish. "I was a troubled man while I was a member of the Maquis. I believed strongly in the cause, and I would never have willingly abandoned my comrades, but I was searching even then for something more." He stared at her, knowing the next words would be difficult. "I thought I had found what I was looking for on New Earth."

"Chakotay," she breathed out softly. They had never really discussed the situation after they had been rescued. It had seemed a moot point. One that he obviously wanted to delve into now.

"I was happy when we were rescued," he continued as if she had not spoken, avoiding her gaze, "but a part of me will always wish that things had been different. I could've been happy there for the rest of my life. With you. But I knew that when we returned to the ship, that peace, that hope was over."

"Chakotay," she tried again, "I will always care about you. I want you to know how much I value our friendship." She attempted to smile, to lighten the mood, "I would not be having this conversation with just anyone you know."

He returned the smile. "Yes, I know and accept that. Your friendship is very important to me. But I want you to know you're not alone, that I'm in the same situation. I had hopes that one day I would start a family, a wife, children...."

"You still can you know, Chakotay," she said earnestly but he held up his hand and she stopped.

"No," he stated simply. "While aboard Voyager, I have to remain apart from the crew in that way, as you do. I'm their superior officer, they look to me to lead them as well Kathryn." He looked into her eyes, saw understanding. "It's my choice, and I choose to remain alone."

She touched his shoulder then, returning the comfort he had given her earlier. "I'm sorry, Chakotay. I was so caught up in my own position I didn't realize you were experiencing the same feelings. I admire your principles. And respect your decision more than you know."

"Kathryn," he said placing his hand over hers, which had moved down his shoulder to rest on his arm, "I value our friendship, and your opinion means a great deal to me."

She stood, giving him a tired smile. Placing her now empty wineglass on the coffee table in front of her, she made a move towards the door. "I'd better let you get some rest now. Next time, dinner is on me. Though maybe we can try that restaurant you programmed on the holodeck. Dinner was delicious. Thank you."

He walked with her the few steps to the door. It swished open instantly, and she patted his arm one last time. "Sleep well Chakotay," she said softly.

"You too Kathryn," he smiled. "Despite the intensity of our conversation tonight, I enjoyed your company and wouldn't mind continuing this discussion again, sometime."

"You would," she smirked, turning from him, walking towards her own quarters.

He smiled as she walked away. No, he thought, predictable is not a word he would use to describe Kathryn Janeway.

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