It had been a month since Janeway’s return and the Voyager was still on her way around Quataki space. During that time, Janeway and Chakotay had spent at least a couple of hours a day analyzing her feelings and going over what had happened. At first it had been hard for her. She’d only been able to talk about working in the tunnels. But after a lot of probing and reassuring, she had talked about the child, the Servant of the Patron, and the deaths of them both. After that she seemed to move backwards, but now she was again making forward progress, albeit slowly.

She had yet to return to duty and he hadn’t worked even half of his normal schedule. The crew knew and kept their respectful distance, though scuttlebutt rumors were flying faster than ever.

“I heard the captain is coming back to duty today,” said Kim as he joined Torres and Paris at the breakfast table. Neelix’s masterpiece this morning was a gelatinous bright magenta goo. It had large pieces of pastel green...something, and the whole thing was slightly salty.

“That’s what I’ve heard, but only for a few hours,” said Torres. She stabbed at a green piece and it wiggled. “I’m not eating something that moves of its own accord that was never alive.”

Paris smiled his devilish grin. “I hear the Captain and Commander have spent much of this past month alone in his quarters.” The sparkle in his eyes matched the glint of light off his teeth.

Torres reached across the table and slapped him. “What the captain went through is nothing to laugh about. She’s lucky that someone like Chakotay cares enough to do this with her. It’s not like we have a counselor on board to handle this.” She picked up her tray and left the table.

Paris watched her go. Tom, old boy, learn to keep your mouth shut.

Torres placed her tray on the counter and turned to leave.

“Lieutenant, was something wrong with my food?” asked Neelix. The green glob was still wiggling.

“I’m not hungry,” she said over her shoulder. “Excuse me, Captain.”

Janeway watched Torres stalk down the corridor. When she walked into the mess hall she saw Kim and Paris sitting at a table with one empty seat. She knew it had once belonged to Torres and she wondered what Paris had said to make her so angry.

“Good morning, Captain. Would you like some breakfast?” asked Neelix. He’d already removed Torres’ tray and recycled her uneaten food. “We have poached Tetlix egg with Kayan cheese and a mixture of spices from around the galaxy.”

It looked safe enough. “Sure, Neelix.” She took her tray of wiggily goo and sat down at a table by herself. Chakotay was supposed to meet her at her quarters at 0800 hours for breakfast and then they’d go to the bridge together. She’d come early to be alone to see if she could calm herself. It would be her first time back and she hoped she could handle it.

She ate a fork full of the wiggily goo as she stared out the viewport watching the stars go by.

The pressure was awful, but not as awful as what he was trying to force her to do. She continued to resist, which at the moment seemed harder than giving in.

Suddenly she was sick to her stomach. She was not going to be able to swallow what was in her mouth. She spit it out into her napkin, returned her tray, and quickly left.

“Did you see that?” asked Kim.

“Yeah,” replied Paris. He grinned devilishly. “Morning sickness, or the usual reaction to Neelix’s cooking?”

Kim picked up his tray and left. Paris mentally slapped himself. Just keep your mouth shut.

When Chakotay entered Kathryn’s quarters he found her kneeling in front of her toilet, retching. “Kathryn, are you okay?” She shook her head and he got her a glass of water. After a few sips she stopped retching and sat back on her heels, leaning against the wall.. “How long have you been like this?”

“Since...” She took another sip of water. “I went down to the mess hall for breakfast. One bite of Neelix’s poached Tetlix egg with Kayan cheese and my stomach hasn’t been the same since. I never even swallowed any.” But now that he was here she was feeling better. Possibly even a little hungry. But the thought of going back to the mess hall made her stomach churn.

“Would you like something to calm your stomach?” She looked green and pale at the same time.

Janeway shook her head, she was feeling better.

“Perhaps today is not the best day to go back to duty.”

“N-no. I have to. We can’t keep avoiding this forever.” She stood, flushed the toilet, and put the glass of water on the counter. They went back into the living room.

Chakotay handed her the PADD he’d left on the coffee table. “These are the notes from this morning’s briefing. The problem with the warp engines has fixed itself and Neelix says there is a planet ahead where we can get food and other supplies.”

“It’s been over a month since we last resupplied, so hopefully this planet will be plentiful.” She sighed and looked at Chakotay. “Ready to go?”

He smiled at her. “Only if you are.”

She smiled back nervously and they left the room.

Janeway wasn’t as frazzled on the bridge as she thought she’d be. The crew treated her as if she’d always been there, which helped to reassure her. Sometimes she caught Chakotay giving her concerned looks, but he stopped (being as obvious) after she returned his gaze with a few stern looks. She also noticed that the two times she saw Tom Paris’ face he had a guilty look on it. Probably over whatever happened with Torres that morning.

At the moment there was nothing of any importance happening and Janeway knew there was a pile of work on her desk that she had to go through. No time like the present. “You have the bridge, Commander. I’ll be in my Ready Room.”

Chakotay watched her go and tried not to let the worry show on his face. He still didn’t think she was okay from that morning. She wasn’t green any more, but she was still pale. He knew the crew was watching him, so he turned his attention back to the viewscreen.

Chakotay walked into the Ready Room to find Janeway still there. On her desk were piles of PADDs and there was a stack in her lap she still had to go through. He thought she’d left two hours ago when her shift was over. It was her first day back and she wasn’t supposed to over exert herself. “Captain, your shift ended two hours ago.”

“I know. But I don’t want to take any of this back to my cabin with me except what has to be done. Don’t worry, I’m almost finished.” She smiled weakly.

He walked around her desk and sat on the edge, careful not to knock over piles. “Kathryn, don’t bury yourself in work, you can do this tomorrow. Anything that has to be done has already been taken care of.”

Janeway looked at the next PADD. It was from Neelix, a list of things he needed to pick up on the planet. After it was an apology to her about breakfast. He said he had been experimenting with a Terran spice called Sodium Chloride and he may have gone a little overboard.

The pressure was too unbearable. No matter how much she didn’t want to do it, she was given no choice. She gave in, accepting it. Being unable to scream made her situation even more hopeless.

Janeway came to in the turbolift. “Wh..ere?”

“Computer, halt lift.” It stopped. “Kathryn, are you okay?”

“Where are we going?”

“To sickbay.”

“I’m fine.” She climbed out of his arms and stood. “Let’s...let’s go back to my quarters.” She was still a little foggy and her stomach felt queasy again.

“Are you su-”

“I’m fine!” She leaned back against the turbolift wall and closed her eyes guiltily. “I’m sorry, I just...”

“You don’t have to put up a front with me.” He reached out and gently stroked her cheek.

After a few seconds she reached her hand up and took his, giving it a squeeze. “Computer,” she said after a few moments, “resume lift.”

Chakotay followed her all the way into her quarters to assure himself that she made it. After the thing this morning and the incident in her Ready Room, he didn’t want to leave her alone. But he had to go back to duty. “Take care of yourself, Kathryn.” He pulled her close and kissed her forehead. “Get some rest. I’ll be back once my shift is over.”

“Okay,” she mumbled into his chest.

He left.

Actually, she did have to put up a front with him. She had to make him think everything was okay, that those incidents were nothing. She didn’t make much of the first incident, but the second one really scared her. What were the visions she saw? Were they memories? She didn’t think so. But she saw them from the point of view of the person it was happening to, and that person couldn’t speak. So if they did happen to her it was while she was in captivity. What happened that was so awful she couldn’t remember? The only think she’d ever blocked (to her knowledge, though there was much she wished she could) was the truth of her father’s and Justin’s deaths. (Oh gods, did she kill someone?)

Janeway got herself a cup of coffee and lay down on the couch. She was exhausted, all those PADDs made her eyes tired. The only thing she feared now was that those visions would reassert themselves in her dreams.

The entire bridge crew saw Chakotay carry the unconscious captain off the bridge. Well, she could have been asleep, but they all doubted that. Tom Paris saw the look on Tuvok’s face as she was carried off. He was...worried? Nah, Vulcans don’t worry. Paris had another interesting thought, but this time he kept he mouth shut. He knew he should apologize to Torres and he made a mental note to do that soon.

When Chakotay returned, everyone turned around and pretended to be occupied at their stations. He knew what had been running through their heads, but he didn’t care. If any of it was voiced, there would be consequences. Something about the look on Paris’ face told him something had already been said. If he ever found out what it was Paris would be sorry.

The holodeck door opened and the occupants of Sandrine’s were surprised to see Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay enter the bar. But Tom Paris and Ensign Rallings continued their game of pool (which Paris was winning) as though nothing was out of the ordinary. Janeway and Chakotay sat at a table on the edge where they could watch the game.

It had been three days and Janeway hadn’t had anymore visions since those two and she hadn’t told Chakotay about either of them. She’d done her best to ignore them (partially by burying herself in work). They never reasserted themselves in her dreams or waking moments, so she figured they were just a fluke or part of her overactive imagination that was still dwelling on her captivity. But she’d stayed away from anything with sodium chloride in it.

Sandrine’s filled up quickly that night, and Janeway and Chakotay moved to a table in the back where things would be quieter.

“Good evening, Captain! It’s good to see you’ve joined the festivities.”

“Hello, Neelix.” Janeway laughed. “Any excuse for a party, eh? What are you celebrating this time?”

“Why, the locating of the plentiful planet!”

“I wouldn’t count my planets before they hatch,” said Chakotay.

Neelix gave him a strange look that made Janeway chuckle. She understood Chakotay’s pun. “Is there anything I can get you two?”

Sandrine walked up behind him. “This is my bar,” she said in her French accent, “I will serve the guests.”

“You wanna take this outside?!” yelled someone .

“Nope, right here is fine with me!”

Janeway looked across the room and saw two drunken holodeck characters getting into a ‘bar brawl’. Paris had done a realistic job when he created this program.

“Excuse me,” said Sandrine. She walked across the room and started yelling at them in French. A few other holodeck characters tried to restrain them, but were soon drawn into the brawl. Suddenly one went flying across the room and smashed into the wall next to Janeway, sliding to the floor in a groaning heap.

She was being dragged through a tunnel. The rocks and small stones on the floor cut through her jumpsuit and into her legs, opening other wounds. Suddenly she was thrown at the base of a door. It was elaborately carved with some type of flower she didn’t recognize. But that was all she could see before she smashed into it and lay in a heap on the ground.

As Chakotay carried the captain out of the room (for the second time that week) everyone stared. The room went quiet, even after they left. The bar brawl had stopped in mid-punch. No one was sure what to say or do.

B’Elanna Torres stood and got everyone’s attention. “Excuse me, what are you guys looking at?” Her tone told everyone they better get back to whatever they had been doing.

Each person mumbled some type of response and busied themselves quickly, as not to incur her wrath. The brawl resumed.

Tom Paris sunk his last ball and grinned at Rallings. “Pay up.” He handed Rallings a PADD that the ensign signed and handed back. Paris knew that most people were smarter than to bet him at pool (except Chakotay, only because he was the one person who could beat Tom), but there’s one in every crowd and Rallings was it. He handed his cue to Kim and looked around for Torres. He didn’t see her and figured she must have slipped out as he sunk his last ball. He walked out like he wasn’t in a hurry (just what the ship needed: more rumors) and ran as soon as the holodeck doors shut.

He saw her at the doors of the turbolift. “B’Elanna! Wait!” He reached her just as the doors opened and followed her inside. He took a breath before speaking. “B’Elanna, I want to apologize for what I said at breakfast the other morning about Chakotay and the captain, to you and to Harry. It’s none of my business, and Janeway is lucky to have a friend like him.”

“Apology accepted,” she said in a clipped voice.

Something was obviously wrong. As Paris thought back on it (not that he’d seen her much these past few days) she’d been moodier then usual. Actually, it seemed to go back to when Janeway returned (and they’d been lightly briefed on her...adventure), but it had been getting much worse since his comments at breakfast. He knew Kim had told her his second comment (he didn’t know why). He could understand why she’d be mad over that. But usually when she’s mad at him she came out and said it. Why didn’t she now?

“Computer, halt lift.” He turned to face her. “B’Elanna, what’s wrong? You’ve been acting strange ever since the captain returned.”

B’Elanna sighed. “I think everyone should just leave them alone. Janeway went through a lot and has been having a hard enough time adjusting. Comments like yours are just making things worse. You people can be really cruel. Just...just lay off...”

Tom said softly, “Do I sense something personal?”

A sympathetic ear? From Tom Paris? She didn’t want to talk about it. “Computer, resu-”

“Computer, belay that order. B’Elanna, this is obviously bothering you.” He knew that Chakotay was her confidant and he- “Are you jealous of Janeway’s confiding in Chakotay?”

“No.” She paused and gave a heavy sigh. “It...it happened a long time ago...and doesn’t matter any more. I just want to afford them the chance and privacy that I never got.”

“Now. Commander, tell me again what happened,” said the Doctor.

Chakotay sighed, exasperated. Was he ever going to do anything to help her? “We were sitting in Sandrine’s talking to Neelix and Sandrine when two guys starting fighting on the other side of the room. Sandrine and others tried to stop them, but more people joined the fight. Then someone came flying across the room and smashed into the wall next to her.”

“Did he hit her?”

“No.”

The Doctor looked from his tricorder to Janeway. “If I didn’t know any better I’d say she had a seizure, but that is not possible. You said she saw the man slam into the wall and then...”

“Her eyes seemed to look inward, then she fell out of her chair on the floor, shaking. Once I picked her up and started heading here, she stopped, but never regained consciousness.”

“I can’t find any reason why this happened,” He paused and pushed a few buttons. “And I can’t find anything wrong with her now. I’d like to keep her here until she regains consciousness; longer, depending on what I learn from her. He paused for a moment. “Do you know if this has happened before?”

“Once. It was the day she went back to work. She was working two hours longer than she should have. I told her she should stop, that the things that needed to be done already were. She was reading a PADD when she lost consciousness. I was in the process of bringing her here when she regained consciousness and assured me she was okay.”

“You should have brought her anyway. I ran a cerebral scan. If I had a scan from last time I could compare them, but seeing how that’s not possible...” The Doctor dropped the subject, he knew he would get no where. Hopefully Chakotay would learn from this.

She’d seen some of those visions before. Just after she’d returned, fleeting images from her ordeal had haunted her until she’d dealt with most of them. Those she hadn’t dealt with had slowly vanished into the far hidden corners of her mind. She knew they would return some day, and she prayed it wasn’t while she was alive.

The first thing Janeway succumbed to when she awoke was fear. One: she didn’t know where she was. Two: she didn’t know what had happened to her. Three: She didn’t know what was about to happen to her. When she heard the Doctor’s voice, it sent a stab of ice down her spine.

“Commander, she is awake.”

When Chakotay appeared in her field of view things were a little better.

Janeway’s eyes were wide with fear and uncertainty. In the few seconds before the Doctor shooed him away, Chakotay brushed his hand across her cheek, hoping to give her some comfort. Her skin was cold and clammy and it gave him the chills. He walked to the outer part of sickbay, but he was not going to leave without her, or at least without knowing how she was doing.

Chakotay stood as the Doctor approached. He’d paced in the beginning, but finally stopped when other crew members entered sickbay. He cursed himself for listening to Janeway and taking her back to her quarters. If he’d taken her to sickbay, maybe they could have prevented this incident.

“After running many tests I was still unable to find anything wrong with her. She’s under a little sedation to help calm her down. You can take her back to her quarters, but she is not to go back to work until further notice. I want her to come back tomorrow morning for some follow-up tests. See if you can get her to eat something, low blood sugar won’t help this problem.”

Chakotay nodded. The Doctor was then called away for a crew member who had a fractured their pelvis. Chakotay walked over to Janeway, who was sitting on a biobed in the other room. She was pale, more so than before, but other than that she looked fine. “Are you ready to go?” She nodded and he helped her off the biobed.

“Kathryn, what happened back there?” They were back in her quarters. She hadn’t said anything, but Chakotay saw it in her eyes.

She was fighting with herself whether or not to tell him. Telling him would-

kathryn...No, not you! ...remember...No!

“Kathryn?” He reached out and put a hand on each arm to help steady her.

“I’ll...I’ll be right back.” She staggered her way to the bathroom and shut the door.

The Doctor said she was sedated, so maybe that’s why she was out of it. But the reaction she just gave said she knew what happened. After all they’d been through, she should know that holding it in would do her nothing but harm. Maybe it was flashbacks from her captivity. So much happened to her that maybe there was something they missed. Or maybe it was memories of... He just prayed that it wasn’t. There was a reason why she didn’t remember and he thought it was best to leave it that way.

The bathroom door opened and Janeway walked out. She had taken her hair down and was wearing her sleeveless pink nightgown. He hadn’t liked the color originally, but he now felt it suited her. She staggered over to him and threw her arms around him. He wrapped his arms around her and rested his chin on the top of her head.

She clung tightly to him. The Doctor had sedated her to help calm her fears, but she felt all it did was make them worse. She could remember every detail of this last vision; she knew it was from her captivity, but she didn’t know when. Every time she thought about any part of it she started drowning in an ocean of fear. She knew she was clinging to Chakotay like a little girl to her parents during a thunder storm (something she had never done).

“It’s getting late,” she said into his chest, careful not to voice her sobs.

So they weren’t going to talk about it tonight. She’d have to deal with it in her own way (as she had everything else) before coming to him. He led her back to the bedroom and helped her into bed. As he pulled the covers up over her, he leaned over and brushed her lips lightly with his. “Good night, Kathryn. I love you.”

As he turned away she reached out and grabbed his hand. “Don’t leave me,” she said desperately.

There was fear in her eyes. Since her return he had seen and experienced many types of fear. Now he saw another to be added to the list.

He slid in next to her. She buried her face in his chest, sobs and fear shaking her body. Chakotay held her, stroking her hair, and making soft crooning noises. Finally, the sobs and fear wore her out and she fell into an exhausted sleep.

She was naked. Not like naked in the mirror before taking a shower, but naked like an anime cartoon for kids where they showed a vague outline and no details. She was wrapped in a blanket of burgundy velvet. And wrapped in this velvet blanket she lay in the arms of... someone. She didn’t know who, but they were comfortable and safe. She snuggled in closer.

Of all the prisoners she’d seen come through and fought for, this one was her favorite. She now knew the woman’s name was Kathryn and that she was safely back on her starship. She ran her fingers through the woman’s hair and gave her a gentle kiss on her forehead. She still wanted to protect this woman, even though she knew Kathryn was in good hands.

Kathryn opened her eyes and looked up at the person. She was wearing a burgundy velvet robe (so maybe she was wrapped in her robe and not a blanket?) and the hood was down. She had beautiful blue skin, and her hair was the color of a sunset in the mountains. She recognized her as the Servant of the Patron. She buried her head in the Servant of the Patron’s chest and sobbed.

The Servant of the Patron held Kathryn tightly to her. She knew what was upsetting her and that she had no need to be upset. The injection she’d given Kathryn would last forever. The visions she did remember were bits that the Doctor released when he ran his tests. But the tests were over and the released memories would fade with time.

The soft noises she made gave Kathryn great comfort and she stopped crying. The Servant of the Patron rocked her gently back and forth, and Kathryn just laid in her arms, enjoying the sensations.

“Doctor.”

“Good morning, Commander. Is there something I can do for you?”

Chakotay walked over to him. He had brought Janeway back as promised. She still seemed listless and had hardly said two words to him that morning. “I need to speak to you privately.” They went into the Doctor’s office. “It’s about Kathryn.”

“Has she had anymore spells like the last one?”

“No. And she slept fine last night, except once she awoke upset from a dream. After she went back to sleep she was okay. But that’s not what I came to talk to you about.” He took a breath before finally asking. “Why didn’t you tell her?”

The Doctor looked skeptical for a moment before realizing what Chakotay was talking about. “When she came back I ran many tests on her. When I discovered ‘it’ I checked for mental and emotional trauma. I found that there was an inorganic enzyme blocking the memories from her consciousness. When I realized my tests were breaking down the enzyme, I stopped. I didn’t tell her because I didn’t think she was ready to handle it.”

Chakotay sighed. “Since she doesn’t know, and won’t ever know, maybe it’s best we don’t tell her. If these spells of hers were caused by ‘loose memories’, then they will fade with time. How much time? That is the question.”

Time Passes.....

“Captain, we are approaching the planet,” said Tuvok. “Orbit in three minutes.”

“Thank you, Mr Tuvok. Hail them, let them know-”

“They have hailed us. On screen.”

The viewscreen came to life with the face of a MarLuian. “Captain Janeway, thank the stars you’ve arrived,” said the face. “Excuse me, I am Roddian, we spoke via subspace.”

“Yes.” There was something about him that Janeway found...familiar. She put the feeling aside. “We have teams standing by whenever you are ready.” They had received a distress call from these people with a report that they were attacked by the Viideans. They hadn’t harvested many organs, but they had caused a considerable amount of damage.

“As soon as possible. We have suffered heavy damage.”

“They’re on their way.”

“I will meet them at the specified coordinates. Roddian out.” The transmission was broke from the planet.

Janeway turned to her First Officer. “Commander, go with the Away Teams.” Chakotay nodded and rose from his seat.

“Commander Chakotay, are we ever glad to see your people here. As you can see, our people are in no shape to help the wounded.” Roddian was correct, things were in poor shape.

“Is this devastation over all your planet?” They had been unable to read much from space. An ore in the planet’s outer crust was playing games with their sensors.

“We are a MarLuian colony, this is the only settlement on the planet. Our homeworld, MarLu is too far away from us to contact for help, you were our only chance.” Roddian looked around at the damage. They had only been there for 6 months. Everything was going perfectly and they had just become completely self-sustaining. But now it was all too damaged for them to continue without help. He would have to send back to his homeworld for supplies and who knew how long that would take. His people were too weak and to small in number to survive, and they had no ship. What would they do till supplies came?

Chakotay could watch Roddian’s face fall as he surveyed the colony. He didn’t think they had the supplies to rebuild and probably could not sustain themselves until one of their ships arrived. A plan started forming in his mind. Yes, it would work, with his captain’s permission, that is. He turned to Roddian. “Allow me to return to my ship and speak to my captain. We may be able to help you even more.”

“Of course, Commander.” Any help, no matter how small was appreciated.

“They will barely be able to sustain themselves for the rest of the day, let alone to till a supply ship arrives. I propose we give the colonists a ride back to their planet. There aren’t many of them and the planet is in the general direction of where we’re headed.” Chakotay was sitting in Janeway’s Ready Room. She hadn’t said a word since he started his speech, but he could see the wheels turning in her head.

“Of course, Commander, I see no reason not to help them in their time of need. And we need all the allies we can get.” She stood. “Make all the arrangements and start bringing them aboard whenever you are ready. Dismissed.” He left and she walked over to her viewport. Whatever it was about these MarLuians that struck her before still bothered her. It drove her crazy to not know what. Perhaps with them onboard she could get to the root of this feeling.

The Servant of the Patron walked slowly down the forest path. The pine needles whispered softly under her feet, and the breeze wove its way through her fiery hair. She looked around at the bright sunlight streaming through the branches, giving everything a drink of its warm embrace. She was standing in a patch herself at that moment and its warmth was easily felt as it was absorbed by her burgundy velvet robe. Sunlight was something she had rarely seen once she was given the title of the Servant of the Patron, and now that she could go where ever she liked, she spent much time in it.

On to part 2

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