Punching Bag Archives 2003-04
These are 2003's and 2004's blog entries.
Wednesday 29th December 2004
Blog's pretty dead for now. Nothing much to say lol. At least, nothing controversial, nothing philosophical etc. etc. That's what being away from school and GP and all the thinking does lol. But Economist is still as good as ever (that's the same as saying I didn't touch it for at least one-and-a-half months because of 'A's). Read about half of the double issue today.
Well there actually might be some things I want to say. But I don't want to because I'm afraid
Saturday 11th December 2004
LCD Monitor spoil, go to Funan and buy new one. But my father insisted on going round and round the place to find the best deal...!@*&#^$!#%...I mean, they're all in the same building, how much can the price differ by? Who so stupid charge higher give away business?? And even if the difference is 20 bucks or so, over the 2 or 3 years you use the LCD monitor, how much is that 20 or 30 bucks?!?? The idea of consumption...consumption is measured against a time base, and it is basically the price of the item (consumption expenditure) divided by the time it is used, with respect to a certain unit of time eg. years. Grr. Let's say 2 years, 700+ days. That 20 or 30 bucks, a few cents a day over 2 years. And by the way, 20 or 30 bucks when the thing itself cost 400++, what's the big deal??? I'd rather go for reputation and any other related items the manufacturer makes. Like, LG makes TVs, so does Sharp, but not Acer. Get it?
Sunday 5th December 2004
Grad night. But I'm not there. Guess I'm one different guy. Nvm.
Sunday 28th November 2004
Hm...eight days since my last post...feels like eternity. Lots of people have finished A-levels ^^ but sigh Econs S is on Tuesday. But why am I talking about exams here?!?!?? Now Lau Yan and Kenneth are constantly bugging me to host D2 -.- Does anyone play Shattered Galaxy? I go by the name of Merceta. In Uprising. Got in a nice regiment there...Checkmate.
...Game Theory...Econometrics...wah ha I guess I'm slipping in and out of econs and games...looking forward to basketball on Tuesday.
Saturday 20th November 2004
It seems Tag-Board is back up now.
Wednesday 17th November 2004
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO TAG-BOARD. YES I'M SCREAMING
Tuesday 16th November 2004
bounce bounce why does my hair bounce bounce so much bounce a little hop up and down it goes bounce bounce put more energy it literally claps my head clap clap... ...when you're happy and you know it clap your hair...
Thursday 11th November 2004
Wassup lor. Basket. Blardy bored and frustrated of being bored. The first time "Celebration" fails to perk me up. Dinner sucked too. Deer meat tasted like liver. Too salty, not sweet enough, too much black pepper. And could be a bit softer. Broccoli and mushrooms cooked together. Bad idea. Mushrooms can be a little sour, and brocolli and some green leafy vegetables can be a little bitter. In the same dish, the opposing flavours will be made more obvious. Prawn balls. Flavour of prawn not brought out. Instead, flavour of the seasoning and flour on the outside. And everything cost 60 bucks. *%@&%#!@%
Wednesday 10th November 2004
11.25 a.m.
-rambles-
I never knew the library could be that cold. Sitting directly under an aircon ventilation unit. And so I'm here, partly because I seeking relief from the extreme cold, and partly because I don't wanna do anything until after lunch. Well not that the comp lab's much warmer anyway. Grr. I think the cold is driving me crazy. Should I even go overseas...COLD. The girl sitting at the terminal in front of me is in a t-shirt and shorts. How do they survive. Maybe I should go hunt for a warmer jacket. Anyone got recommendations??!?!? Hm in D2 I'm using a paladin with holy FREEZE. Think that freeze is getting to me. %#@&*!^@# I'm hungry. And blardy bored.
9.59 p.m.
-narrows eyes-
Just watched ren4 wo3 ao2 you2 on Channel 8. Betrayal and setting-up.
Don't even think about it.
A pity duelling is not allowed in Singapore. Otherwise, hasta la vista and goodbye.
Sunday 31st October 2004
Sometimes I wonder who reads this. It occurs to me, inevitably as it must, that I understand so little of others, and others understand so little of me. If faced with the question of how much I understand my classmates, air-rifle mates, my junior class, my former classmates, my angel, even my brudder, I cannot answer it any differently from that which seems so obvious to me: not much, not much at all. Perhaps I can vaguely say who does not take to what kind of music, who'd dismiss what kind of topic in a conversation, who likes basketball, but that is about all. I do not know who these people really are. And these people don't really know who I am either.
In my class, I am perhaps known as an analytical person, maybe even thinker, or even asshole to some, I guess, but that is not who I really am. It is but one facet.
In Air Rifle, perhaps I am remembered as the crazed secretary who's always bossing people around with regards to timing. But that is not who I am. I sometimes wonder if I could have made things better. "Timing" was part of my job, but perhaps not in that way.
I don't even know what my junior class sees me as.
In my former class, I'm best remembered as a master of weapons. That is also but one part of me.
As for my angel, I think she knows only that part of me which is bound to question and explore, that philosophical, serious part.
As for my brudder, I have to admit, maybe even with some guilt, that we became brudders not because we understood each other, but because we had shared experiences through which our friendship was developed.
Many people see the side of me that I am forced to show. I hate keeping appearances up sometimes. Serious, never relenting, projecting fear, grumpy. As a result few, even none, see that besides that I'm another guy undergoing a tumultous period in his life, and what an inopportune moment even, maybe, for it to happen during the "A"s too. Begrudgingly, I can't say that those examinations don't determine my fate, or at least part of it, later on. I like music, I like games, maybe I'm a bit reserved, keep to myself, but I'm still an 18-year-old teen. Am I that different? Regretfully, I have never found anyone, or any people, I am truly happy with. I like to play basketball with some of my classmates, like to go LANning with my former comrades, like the company of air rifle (but am not so quite sure they like mine), but that is about all. I sometimes cannot help but see the emptiness somewhere inside. Or am I too idealistic when it comes to these things? Too sentimental, too perfectionist? Too philosophical? And then, too weak.
"Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated"
— Drops of Jupiter by Train
And then, I don't understand much of others. I can't say who is what. I can't put anything down here, as much as I want to, because I really don't know. It occurs to me sometimes, that for all the knowledge that we pursue, or claim to pursue, we don't really know anything. Or maybe it is only I who doesn't really know anything. But what is the point of knowing all about the universe when you don't know your fellow being? When you can't sit down and have a genuine talk? When you start talking, then get constipated halfway through? I often experience that with quite a number of people. And even with writing here. And I still don't know a lot about others.
I'm losing my train of thought and getting incoherent. I think I'd better go and sleep.
Friday 29th October 2004
2.5 hours of bball. V.v. good. Survived. Walked to MRT and stood in it with cramps in both legs. Survived. I feel like a war machine haha.
Wednesday 27th October 2004
What I sometimes want to say to the MOE:
Thinking of the education system just makes me pissed off. "Broader...holistic...the key to creativity..." Oh yeah. While I agree with that, I cannot imagine how you're going to do it in the same amount of time as in today's system. If you want something broader, more holistic, then do it more slowly. Drills in some quality at the same time too. How long will MOE and supposedly, university faculty, take to realise that they are driving their own students mad with the rush-rush-rush in the system? That's the problem with people who sit so comfortably in their high positions who do not know what is going on at the ground level. It is easy for them to say x and y is full of benefit, but then they don't consider the other side of the coin. Frankly I'm offended, and I believe many other students are too, when I see that such suggestions can be made without a realisation of their impact should they be implemented, by people who supposedly claim they are smarter, have a degree/masters/PhD, who can't see beyond the futility of trying to improve everything but doing it in haste. It is easy for them to advocate something, because they don't experience it anyway. If you want a broader, more holistic system, then allow more time for it. Otherwise, broad = stretch amd stretch will finally become snap. I trust I don't need to elaborate on the suicide rate of teens here. Supposedly one of the highest in the world. Yes, consider me angry, and consider this a piece of crap masquerading as a piece of enlightened exposition, but let me tell you, and get it into your head too, MOE, that when peple get angry they care. Go and eat it man, if you think that students are apathetic. They're not. They care what happens to them. And if you care, teach more responsibly. Stop cramming more and more in the same amount of time. AND FOR YOUR OWN AND THE STUDENTS' SAKE, GET DOWN TO THE GROUND AND SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING BEFORE ADVOCATING SOMETHING YOU THINK IS BENEFICIAL. So someone said, "MOE should improve its EQ in trying to improve students' IQ." Be glad I restrained the vulgarities. By the way, a feedback form with a character limit of 255 is quite equivalent to no feedback at all. Students seem apathetic because they are just exasperated at such silly things like that, that they don't bother to speak up because they know it's in futility.
"...4000-word essay...university entrance application..." Another thing that pisses me off. I sincerely believe that the hallmark of a learned person is silence. Or at least, quality, not quantity. If I have to write a 4000-word essay in application for university, I'll drop it from my list. Because that is just such a short-sighted implementation.
Monday 25th October 2004
This was written by a lady named Muriel Rukeyser (1913 - 1980). Somehow, her poem struck a chord. And so it is here...
Effort at Speech Between Two People
Speak to me. Take my hand. What are you now?
I will tell you all. I will conceal nothing.
When I was three, a little child read a story about a rabbit
who died, in the story; and I crawled under a chair:
a pink rabbit: it was my birthday, and a candle
burnt a sore spot on my finger, and I was told to be happy.
Oh, grow to know me. I am not happy. I will be open:
Now I am thinking of while sails against a sky like music,
like glad horns blowing, and birds tilting, and an arm about me.
There was one I loved, who wanted to live, sailing.
Speak to me. Take my hand. What are you now?
When I was nine, I was fruitily sentimental,
fluid: and my widowed aunt played Chopin,
and I bent my head on the painted woodwork, and wept.
I want now to be close to you. I would
link the minutes of my days close, somehow, to your days.
I am not happy. I will be open.
I have liked lamps in evening corners, and quiet poems.
There has been fear in my life. Sometimes I speculate
On what tragedy his life was, really.
Take my hand. Fist my mind in your hand. What are you now?
When I was fourteen, I had dreams of suicide,
and I stood at a steep window, at sunset, hoping toward death:
if the light had not melted clouds and plains to beauty,
if light had not transformed that day, I would have leapt.
I am unhappy. I am lonely. Speak to me.
I will be open. I think he never loved me:
he loved the bright beaches, the little lips of foam
that ride small waves, he loved the veer of gulls:
he said with a gay mouth: I love you. Grow to know me.
What are you now? If we could touch one another,
if these our seperate entities could come to grips,
clenched like a Chinese puzzle... yesterday
I stood in a crowded street that was live with people,
and no one spoke a word, and the morning shone.
Everyone silent, moving... Take my hand. Speak to me.
Wednesday 20th October 2004
Trinity, this is for you.
To My Angel
I've met an angel
When it was dark,
She shone her light.
She pulled me out
From deserts and wastelands.
In a wretched world,
I built a wall.
She tore it down
And gave me strength.
In my journey,
There were times
I was lost,
But she led the way.
There too were times,
When I fell hard.
She picked me up,
And I could go on.
All this she did
With a smile,
Never expecting
Anything in return.
Through the years,
And in the passage of time,
Nobody understood,
But she did.
Dear angel,
I want to hold on to you,
And be there
For you.
Monday 18th October 2004
Seeing all my juniors busy with PW, to the point that they are so stressed out, I can't help but feel a bit sad. Haiz, MOE's really got it wrong man. Education is meant to improve your life. Not control it.
Friday 15th October 2004
Today @ Farewell Party, trash was all over the place after the J2s had their picnic-style dinner. Then they were supposed to go somewhere else to see a grand finale. But how come no one thought to clear the trash first? Looked around me, and I was in a big pool of trash. So I started clearing that from my class. Then some idiots who happened to walk by laughed and said, "Haha that guy's clearing trash haha". Now that is not funny. At all. Things like that probably explain why I am pissed off half the time.
After Farewell Party, on the way back home on the MRT, my friend told me that his parents made it clear that they are not giving him a single cent for post-JC education. This got me thinking. Some see higher education as a burden. Some see it as equipment for working life. Some, a path to being successful. Then some see it as a passion. Some see it as a hobby. They're all right in some way aren't they. So it depends on what you choose to see it as. But what if some views are imposed on you that you do not believe? The first, by parents perhaps, the second and third, by society. What happens then? You're trapped. Arrgh, maybe, like Trin said, I shouldn't be thinking about all this stuff now, at this time of the year. And that you choose to be happy. So maybe I should stop thinking so much.
Tuesday 12th October 2004
First, hurrah to my juniors, for most of them their promos are over, go take a good break all...
--------------------------
What is the world coming to nowadays, and my class too. I shake my head.
--------------------------
Forces in the human mind
Pulling in different directions
Forces affecting me
Tearing me apart
The mind and thought are liberation
Yet they are traps
Traps that are so difficult to avoid
Without enough control
It's painful, so painful
A pain that is so intangible
But is easily the most devastating
Why oh why
What is it in me that is so empty
That it is overtaking me
Trying to consume me
Self-delusion, that I am in control
I'm just running away, not fighting it
It builds up
Help
I can't cry outside
I'll cry here
I have to fight some things
But those things are so powerful
Are they innate and constant
Or can they be moulded
I can't bleed outside
I'll bleed here
Searching for a solution
For improvement
For control
Maybe that's why people want to die
Because they can't take it no longer
The search is just too tiring
They can't sort things out no longer
What if one day
I break down
Everything falls apart
Like shattered glass
Itself destroyed
But sharp so it harms others as well
Pray
That day never comes
But I don't know
I don't know
.
.
.
Friday 8th October 2004
Ah. I'm finally writing in this again. Had a good game of table tennis with Boon, Kit and Joe today. Getting the hang of it! Heh. And had a pretty good time singing to the wind in the bathroom. Lolx.
Tuesday 28th September 2004
This time, a sad one.
The Lone Rock
Night turns to day,
Day to night.
The lone rock
Remains.
Windswept
Rain-pelted
Pounded by
The elements.
The lone rock
Remains.
Naught takes notice
Not even
The shortest glance.
Amid frigid wastes
The lone rock
Remains.
Unattractive
Its surface is
And difficult
To break.
But who knows
What lies inside?
Gems
And precious metals?
All remain
Trapped,
Unexplored.
For better
Or for worse?
Is that which is trapped
Kept safe?
Or is it lost
Perhaps forever?
Can anyone see
Or reach
What lies within?
Or,
Will anyone?
The lone rock
Remains.
Friday 24th September 2004
FM Paper 2. Supposedly, it's to pull up our Paper 1. But most of us got f***ed inside out, upside down, round and round by the paper rather than the other way round. Hock Boon might fail it, I'm not gonna get what I expected I could get, many people did not finish the paper. To quote Joel, "It's impossible to finish in 3 hours. It's about deciding what not to do within that 3 hours." What can I say? Never felt worse after any FM Paper before, never felt worse.
I know my FM is not good. I know I usually don't finish the paper. But not like that. This paper was more tedious and longer. Almost unreasonably long. Maths dept trying to test everything for stats. Every damn f***king thing in FM stats. Is it supposed to test our knowledge and application, or a test of our writing speed? And this is not understating it. Why not I genetically enhance my finger muscles so that I can write twice as fast? And Hock Boon?? He got A for Common Test. The only A. (Joel was in Greece doing IMO, didn't sit for that common test). And he might fail? Did the wrong procedure for a whole 14 marks??
Tell me, are we just not good enough? Or what? Or what? Are we just not good enough for FM?
An examination is supposed to be a test of your normal ability. When that includes how fast you write, it is no longer an unbiased test. Of course, those who can't figure out what to do with the question will naturally leave out marks because we don't have enough time after taking too much time figuring it out, like me, but when people like Joel say it's about deciding what not to do in that 3 hours, I've got nothing better, or more damning, to say. Making a student lose marks because he didn't have time to do the question, not because he didn't know how to do the question, is just plain farce. Because that's no longer a test of your ability and depth of knowledge.
In my view the timed examination has lost accuracy in assessing a student's ability. It is based on a restriction of information, which doesn't happen these days because information is everywhere, and where it is as rigid as something like, you are supposed to take 1.x minutes for 1 mark. Too much emphasis has been placed on the 1.x minute part. That's why people are increasingly interested in how best to tackle the paper, which order to do the questions, how much sleep to get the previous night, what vulnerabilities in the paper to exploit, the damn f***king METHODOLOGY of doing a paper. What do you do practice papers for? To test your method of doing the paper. Not to test whether you can accurately and precisely use your KNOWLEDGE to handle the CONTENT of the paper. I did the stats part first, then the mechanics, because stats marks are easier to get, and very foolproof. And the very people who set the paper are complaining about the increasing emphasis on the methodology of doing papers. (There was one article in The Economist abour it) Have they ever asked themselves why? Because people need to get 1.x marks in 1 minute. Or they risk bleeding marks. It's all about the amount of marks you can get in that time. Not about how much you actually know. If they have increased the difficulty of the questions while keeping the structure of the paper the same, I can safely say that more and more people are going to get interested in the way to approach the paper, what questions to do first, hammering in the "standard way" of doing a question -see this type of question, do using this type of method- by doing practice papers. By treating students like automatons and not giving them time to think during the paper, to think "how can I apply my knowledge for this question?", they have conflicted their means and their ends. And I daresay that by focusing on the way to do the question instead of the application of knowledge, a student's potential will be restricted. See question, do question. Not see question, intelligently apply learnt information. Students have naturally switched to focusing on the method, as a response to the structure of the paper. That's what they can't figure out, for all their intelligence.
I'm fed up with this obssession of quantising everything, that humans have. People don't realise that quantising, although it may be the best method, it has its drawbacks. By shifting too much focus to it, they have lost sight of a healthy balance. I ask you, what do you think of PW? That's the most obvious one, and the most short-sighted education policy ever in Singapore. The number and the dollar sign. They may well be the harbingers of humanity's oblivion. Positivism has, for too long, held humanity too strongly in it's grasp. It was invented by humans, but humans' overemphasis on it has made it a bane, from being a tool.
Monday 20th September 2004
I dropped my fountain pen yesterday. Without the cap on. OUCHIES!!!!! T_T sobzsobz. It still writes quite okay, but still...
Thursday 16th September 2004
She So Sweet
Candy, chocolate, ah, so sweet.
Lemon, lime, aiyee, such sour-ness!
Cheese, chips, hrmmz, salty somewhat,
Herbs, haargh, no, bitter, bitter!
Of all the flavours,
Sweet is the best.
It is but humble,
A humble sensation.
But when it radiates,
It works magic,
Making you feel
So good inside.
But none is sweeter
Than she is.
She makes me feel
On top of the world.
Oh she so sweet,
Won't you smile
A magic smile for me,
Sweet sweet darling?
Ah. I finally got that out. Brr. That seven-syllable-a-line first verse nearly killed it. I tried to follow that strict meter, but that deviated from my style and made senseless rubbish of everything later. So I didn't do that for the rest of the poem.
-sticks tongue out at you, Trin!-
Monday 13th September 2004
Maths Paper 1. I've a feeling I made a lot of stupid mistakes. Like, x = siny, when x = 1, y = pi. -__-
Monday 6th September 2004
This is up at the request of a certain person... =P
She
She is beautiful,
An image of radiance,
Like the sun.
Her voice is sweet and mellow,
With a tone so soft,
Like the fluffy clouds.
She glows,
Shy at times, yet confident
Like the moon.
Her eyes twinkle,
Little points of light,
Like the stars. [wracking my head for a good ending]
She, oh she...
Will she watch the sunrise and sunset with me?
There you have it friend...I hope it's to your liking *wink*
Thursday 2nd September 2004
GP and Physics Design today. Totally die-ded. And I remain convinced that Singapore teachers can't set GP questions for nuts. Or it may be a guai-lan RJ question-setting mentality. Only one question came out for the four biggest topics of politics, media, science and religion. And we thought that Paper 1 was bad enough, how much worse could it get. Paper 2 proved us all wrong...it was equally bad, if not worse.
Enough of the prelims though. The Frontier looks remarkably like the Sonnet. No wonder I mixed up the two.
Frontier, Stainless Steel with Chrome trim: 
Sonnet, Stainless Steel with Chrome trim: 
Today's STREATS had a very good article on writing. Like the person written about, I delight in having a good writing instrument and the pleasure that comes with writing with it. But most of you out there might not agree haha..."set aside $300 for a good-quality fountain pen". OUCH. But if any of you may be interested, the following is where you can go. The owner is the person mentioned in the article. But I do not recommend that you go there unless you are seriously into fountain pens:
Elephant & Coral Penco Pte Ltd
Wheelock Place
501 Orchard Road #03-07
Tel: 67361322
www.elephant-coral.com
For those of you interested in Parker and Waterman products, the local distributor and representative is:
Beste (S) Pte Ltd
6 Tagore Dr #03-04
Tel: 64550005
Alternatively, you can get them from Popular/Times. Personally I recommend Times, but in both cases, be discerning!
Tuesday 31st August 2004
Okay...I got the pen model wrong...I've not really been ripped off by Popular. The 43 buck pen @ Times is a Parker Frontier, which I duly bought since my Vector from Popular is damaged. The 109 buck one is, you guessed, the Parker Sonnet. Someday I may get that...but when I can get that I'll probably have enough money for a Parker Inflection or a Waterman. And yeah, the Frontier is of a higher grade than the Vector...I really love it, although with the cap on at the rear end of the pen, it gets a bit heavy when writing. A higher grade for about the same price, not a bad deal.
And I think I found out why that particular Vector was so expensive...the ink-mixing mechanism in the reservoir, which is usually a spring, is a solid metal ball for that particular ink reservoir in that Vector. A solid metal ball mixes the ink around better than a spring when you shake it slightly, and the ball also tends to lop around even with slight movement, unlike the spring. That means an extremely consistent ink mixture. But not that I used that type of ink reservoir anyway, which you have to pump ink into...I used the quick-changing ink cartridges from Parker, which saves a lot of time and effort. Arrgh. I guess I really delight in a good writing instrument. =)
Friday 27th August 2004
9.00pm
I just found out today that I've been ripped off by Popular. The Parker Vector I bought (and which is slightly faulty as well) for 44 bucks is going for only 23 at Times, and the Parker Sonnet for 109 at Popular is going for 43 at Times!! #%(*^&$!%@*#! Grrr.
Next time I buy a fountain pen, I'm going to get a Parker Inflection (this one has really cool styling...I like it):
Or a Waterman. A Waterman Laureat:
And I'll save for it. Blew 40 bucks on an uninformed deal. That's what the economists call "imperfect information". The consumer is unable to make the best use of his limited resources because of it. Hmph. -I'll stop here or I'll be degenerating into a Lau Yan type sulk. Heh.-
On a happier note, a certain junior of mine remembered I had prelims today! -I'm so touched- ...hahahahaha.
On a more serious note, maybe next time I'll put up my life philosophy here. I'm developing it as I go along, but I've pretty much formed my own view towards life. And love.
1.00pm
I've decided to put "Ever Since" in the Spirited section, until I think of a better place to put it. Ah. Just finished prelim physics practical. Thankfully I didn't screw up...managed to do everything in time rather than keep taking longer than the alloted time like I used to do for prac lessons...
I had a nice chat with Trin a few days ago...at least that's one person whom I can really talk to and who knows what I really mean, at the philosophical/spiritual level. You could say whom I can connect with. *Smiles and waves to Trin if she's reading this*
The topic? Perhaps I'll put it up next time...I've got to run now.
Wednesday 25th August 2004
I got a new fountain pen today...a Parker Vector. My Parker Jotter is leaky after I dropped it nib-first on the floor a few months back. But the two places I went to had limited choices...does anyone know of a place where there is a wide selection of fountain pens??
And I'm not sure if the poem below fits into the "Spirited Poems" section...hrmmz...it's unique among my pieces...hahaha.
Monday 23rd August 2004
Ever Since
Ever since
I caught a glimpse,
Of her bright,
Big shiny eyes,
She has
Always had
Me mesmerised.
A moment in time
Immortalised;
I looked over,
Our gazes connected,
Only a moment, [she looked away!]
But sufficient.
Captivated,
I felt queer
As never before
It was rather
A lengthier moment
To recover.
Now every time
My eyes
Befall
Her locks,
Or her fair face,
She always
Never fails
To mesmerise.
Gosh. That was a shaky attempt at rhyming?I never used to rhyme my poems.
I don?t think anyone knows, not even ?she? but, guess? Femme fatale? Hmm. Depends.
Saturday 14th August 2004
Twilight...maybe it looks more like winter, but at least it's a new look.
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ARRRRRRRRRRRRGH..... >_< I can't take it. I wish I could just step away. From it all. From work, from this education system, from school, from Singapore, from the loud TV, from the heat....
*j u s t s t e p a w a y . . . *
Thursday 12th August 2004
We must have had eye contact about 5 times. I never extended a greeting, because I noticed she was talking with one of her best friends. It was almost as if I was deliberately noticing her, and she was doing the same. But was she expecting something? Or that she just felt unlucky or dissed at having that 5 or so times? Was I expecting something from myself? After I berated myself about a month ago about having a negative attitude a few posts down?
Are you disappointed? Or am I disappointed with myself? Or am I just deluding myself that I would even be worth a few seconds thought?
4.35am after doing Econs S essay...I decided to blog this down rather than wait till the next day. Somehow, it seems as if this whole thing is important to me. Why? Is it because I'm such a failure at it? Or is it you that's important, because you have exposed my flaws?
Sunday 8th August 2004
Things are getting worrisome nowadays. Fretting about studying, about universities bla bla...
Tuesday 3rd August 2004
These days I worry more and more about things...sigh...
Wednesday 28th July 2004
These days I don't know what's happening to me physically/physiologically. I seem to be needing much more sleep, and can't seem to play basketball without my head feel like bursting halfway...pain...it seems as if my veins/brain is trying to explode...high pressure from within. What is happening to me? Or my head??
Sunday 25th July 2004
Okay... that last post felt a bit... violent. But perhaps, a JC education, interaction, and most of all a good GP education, have made me more moderate from the kicking and punching secondary school boy I was, although I -still- retain those abilities. But sigh... more knowledge comes at a cost. It makes you very sad sometimes, when you think too much. My GP teacher said that sometimes if you think too much, you'll go over the bend and off it... I've come quite close to that point on a few dangerous occasions... got seriously depressed for those *shudder*. Broaden your views, question question question... can't find answers, arrrgh, then gone case. You could say I think about my existence and purpose/meaning a lot of the time, but I've never thought about that so deeply before, and never gotten so depressed because of it, before I went to JC.
Is that good or is that bad? I guess, again, there is no answer. It all depends on how one uses the knowledge he/she gains, and the future is inherently unpredictable. For all you know, I might be here one day, and the next I might not, and I won't have the chance to apply that knowledge. Another thing is that I've made a lot of mistakes here, probably more than I've ever made in secondary school. Perhaps it's because of the bigger scope and stuff. Perhaps you could say I'm learning from them, but it takes time, and sometimes they really get to me, and I get sad again, because I did something wrong in the past. Perhaps if I was inherently extremely flexible, it would be better, and perhaps then again not. I don't exactly like not having a kind of "anchor".
Again I am getting too philosophical. I don't think it is a bad thing to be philosophical, but that's just the point. It makes you question a lot of things. Especially this JC education. You end up asking yourself, what's the use, in the end, of all the stress. Is it really relevant to what one will be doing in future in his/her job? Perhaps it is, perhaps it is not. It all depends again, on what kind of job one takes.
I sometimes wonder, how people like one of my classmates, actually two, or three, or four, or maybe all of them, manage to do what they do. Maybe I haven't been putting in full effort, but I've long given up hope of getting into a top-notch university, like Cambridge, or Oxford, or Harvard, or you-name-it. But that doesn't mean I'm not worried. I AM worried. About my job, you know. About whether I'll be able to be self-sufficient in future, and about whether I'll be able to support others in future. A lot of it is cash flow, you know, and one has to be practical. Sigh, you know.
I guess I want to tune in to the natural "energies" around me, the Earth, the Wind, and whatever you have it, if you believe in this sort of stuff, but I guess, also, that every person has multiple "facets" to his/her personality. I tell you, I can be a strict person who's hated by all, having a really bad reputation (which probably goes for Air Rifle, since I feel that way almost all the time nowadays), yet being strict gets things done. Or I can be an extremely quiet person, getting in tune, or in sync, with my surroundings, feeling the natural energies around me, replenishing myself, or I can be an extremely analytical person. Which probably explains why I'm in this S02 course, or I can be a creative person. I like to draw, you know, but JC has really shelved that because I've no time for it, to sit for more than an hour there, fiddle with the pencil, and come up with a nice 3D image that is all solid line, no shading, no fuzzy lines, like a model representation of the subject, because I don't sketch, I plot all my lines carefully before semi-erasing and going over them with a hard, solid lines. Anyone needs a drawing of a object? I can do it for you, if you want me to do it. I've done two for a friend, and she says I draw very well.
Balance is everything, and S02 drives me mad sometimes. And speaking of balance, I seem not to have the opposite to being strict. And that worries me. I can be too strict, too defensive, for my own good, and that has led to repercussions in the past, and above all leads to a constant bugging at the back of my head of such a deficiency, if I may put it that way. Well, "try", I guess, but I never seem to get there. Maybe I will this time, maybe I will not. There isn't even a "it depends" here, there is just no answer. See? No answer. And then the depression cycle starts again. Not that I'm getting depressed right now, but that I may get depressed in the near future.
You could say I reflect more on my ways nowadays, because there's simply not just a simple societal structure as it used to be in secondary school, I just had my class to deal with, and I was THE disciplinarian and no one asked questions. But now it's more complicated, and that's a good thing, although it makes me very sad when I get repercussions, and I get bothered by them very often. Now I have many more people to deal with, and people of different standing and stature. You know, two really super-duper academics are in my class, and I respect them a lot, not just for their academics, but also for their character and personality (stress a lot on character and personality), but a lot of the time I just end up saying "I see them get A A A B for common test, and I feel like shit." And now in Air Rifle, or actually, recently, because I'm no longer part of the exco, being THE disciplinarian to J1s and J2s rather than sec2s and sec3s really puts me in a really unfavourable light, especially since I am not the type who socialises very well, so no one knows the other facets of my personality. Other than that part which they probably really hate.
Sigh. The stress gets to me nowadays. I have never remembered sports being so refreshing. Nowadays a day of basketball with my classmates seems to be heaven, an avenue of release. There also seems to be fewer people to talk to nowadays, fewer people to really interact with, fewer...well the list can go on and on. I've personally seen a classmate go from being extremely outgoing to one who's rather quiet, and I don't exactly feel I can approach that person now when I could always do so in the past, and it makes me sad. Again. And people are getting attached too, and I don't feel like taking up their time, they have a significant other, and it's not very nice to be bugging them. And I don't see my old classmates around often now because they're in different courses, and thus the "fewer" people. And also because of the strict thing, there are people, perhaps, that I could talk with, but I made wrong turns, and therefore I end up with less people to talk with, and also I end up making enemies. There's one person I respect, too, I think she's got everything, probably someone every rational guy would want, family, religion, good background, grades, intelligence, behaviour, but I can't even say "hi", because of the above. (Grr this "the above" thing is a bit..unfeeling ain't it...analytical, systematic, whatever.) I see her around and she daos me and I end up having to pretend she's not there too, and WTH I come out of it feeling like a piece of shit. *turn around whack the punching bag and hope it swings back and hits me in the stomach* And then there's another, I kinda like her wit, her sarcastic humour but nonetheless humour that makes me laugh, yeah "a few screws loose and eyebrows going up and down", if you are reading this and still remember...(well I have no sense of humour whatsoever, or a pretty low sense of one), but now I don't get to hear her joking. They are the two people I always seem to have tensions with, one J2 and one J1, and what have I done. I guess, people automatically go from whatever state they're in to "this guy is a serious, strict, (bastard)" and then you know the rest of the story. I sometimes wonder if the world would be a better place without one person known as Tan Yong Xiang Ambrose.
Well this is probably the longest post in my life. And I'm not going to kill myself, that is just stupid. I guess, perhaps, I'm not very well equipped to handle emotional stuff. Well something burned a hole in there 3 or 4 years ago, and now, in fact in the past year, I'm feeling the repercussions of a personality developed in a defensive response to it. But I guess it's also not fair to blame everything on that, things develop along the way, and you gotta look at those too. I'm going to sleep now, it's 12.30am, and I've school, and a long day ahead. Again.
Thursday 22nd July 2004
"What the hell am I doing here? In RJC, of all places.
What was I doing when I took S02? Because further maths would help physics? Or economics was something new and worth looking at? Or because I was from RI, and people from RI are expected to go to a JC?
Why did I not go to poly? To take what I was really interested in? Something to do with the air? Aircraft? Aeronautical engineering? Or some technical subject?
What I want to do is to know what makes things tick! That which is physical, practical, which have some mechanism behind them! Not to debate the vagaries of the human mind! Or animal rights! To hell with animal rights! Or demand and supply! I want to know what makes an aircraft fly! What makes a car work! What parts are in there! What design or genius contraption makes things work! How to build something that works! That moves! A mechanical contraption! Build something! BUILD! PUT TOGETHER! CONSTRUCT! A physical object! Not a freaking concept of monetary transmission mechanism! What type of engine to put in, what design to utilise to maximise a certain attribute!
My life is SCREWED UP!
I hate myself! I make all the wrong decision! Wrong desicions! Wrong!"
And so it goes....
Monday 19th July 2004
5.30, 6.00, 6.30pm
I saw her twice. Actually three times. The third time, her back was to me, and I walked quietly past, hoping she would not notice. But those earlier two times, I kept my head down. All the while. Why. I'm such a jerk. Why didn't I have the mentality to take the risk and just greet. Tensions cannot be abated by walking away from them. Which is better? I must have thought at that time, that she didn't want to see me, and so I pretended she wasn't there, and I supposed she was doing the same. Negative attitude. I was adopting a negative attitude. What use is a negative attitude. I have been telling people about negative attitudes, and I have just adopted one myself.
I don't know whether to for the party/get-together for Air Rifle on Wednesday after the finals. Both of them will be there, and I'm not so sure they want to see me. And I'm not so sure the rest of Air Rifle will want to see me either, when all they remember is probably the shouting and pumping. Should I just hide in one corner...run...or not go...or go...
Kick myself in the stomach.
8.45pm
After bread delivery today a kind stranger took all the trouble to drive me from Redhill to Woodlands, though he lives at Clementi. I originally wanted him to drop me at Clementi MRT, but he just drove straight on to the expressway. An extremely kind soul...who also took the trouble to drive another fellow volunteer to her home at Commonwealth. Will I be able to do that in future...
Friday 16th July 2004
Hmm. There always seems to be tensions between me and two people. Two of the same kind. You may dislike me but I do not seek your acceptance. I seek your understanding. I'm thinking about this...maybe they're my fated opposites, but what I want to say is that that proves that nature has opposites, duality, a spectrum...not just one-sided extremes. And that isn't so bad isn't it once we realise that...so that there is a balance in nature. So I accept you as an opposite, but I don't know if you'll agree with me.
There is no one without the other, to seek balance is to understand the existence of both, to realise that opposites need not eliminate. There may be no absolute truth, but opposites put things in perspective. Derrida said that Western thinking sees the world in opposites. Emphasis on opposites not Western, so that I don't sound as if I don't know I'm an easterner. I'd like to apply that here, but a little modified. Opposites are important yet we must realise that nature is such that it is not discrete, but that there is a continuum, a spectrum. It is important not to have polarising views, but to find the middle ground. Arrgh how come this has become a philosophical thingy...I guess I need sleep.
Wednesday 14th July 2004
10.09pm
wOOOOOOOOOOt!!!!! My classmate sent me this link...try and sing along with it!!!
http://tonyng.no-ip.com/forum/index.php?act=Attach&type=post&id=276
9.54pm
I feel like I'm wearing "Spectre Form" everywhere I go hahaha...so stealth.
Tuesday 13th July 2004
Ah. Finally, after a long period of not updating this. The beauties and horrors of statistics. Hypothesis testing. Very standard, and easy, but I'm going
"let X be the random variable that denotes......"
".....90/95/99% confidence interval for population proportion is....."
".....consider H0: p = [insert number here] against H1: p less than/more than/!= [insert number here]......."
"...peform a one/two-tail test at the 1/5/10% significance level....."
".......from normal distribution table, phi(1.645/1.960/2.326) = 0.95/0.975/0.99 i.e. phi(-1.645/-1.960/-2.326) = 0.05/0.025/0.01....."
"......reject H0 if test statistics are less than -1.645/-1.960/-2.326....."
"......since test statistics = [insert number here] less than/more than/not less than/not more than -1.645/-1.960/-2.326, there is enough/not eough evidence at the 5% level of significance to reject H0 and accept H1.....enough/not enough evidence to say that the population proportion of......is less than/more than/not [insert number here]....."
ARRRRGGGGHHHHH.
<After 2 and a half hours of doing straight hypothesis testing and nothing else.>
NB: This entry went through many edits. Proves how jammed up my mind is right now.
Saturday 3rd July 2004
Hmm. I have found nothing much to update. Oh well.
Saturday 19th June 2004
You who have eyes, open them, for you do not see. You who have ears, listen, for you do not hear. Your hearts have become stone; who can undo that, but you?
Many things man does not realise. Reason man grasps not. Can you not see, can you not hear, can you not feel, that your brethen are suffering, while you debate unimportant things?
Man has become too conceited in his own glory, that he forgets much. He has allowed himself to be blinded, to become insensitive.
Man's strength is his tenacity, yet his strength fails him; he applies his strength to that which is transient, unimportant, inanimate.
In his folly man has destroyed, ignored; he has destroyed nature, ignored the ties of kinship which bind all humans as one race.
Man forgets that he is part of nature. He has become so confident in his sciences and technologies, that in manipulating nature he wants to elevate himself above it.
In manipulating nature he has forgotten the intricate link between himself and nature, and that he will vanquish himself if he destroys nature.
Man, too, has forgotten about his fellow men, man fights and kills none other than his own brethen.
What distinguishes one man from another? One belief from another? One ideology from another? But what is the unifying factor? What are the universal morals?
Men look not at the bigger picture in which they fit into, preferring instead to hole themselves up.
Thursday 17th June 2004
10.00am
It is a strange morning. I woke up feeling strange. What doth come to chance? Outside it is noisy, yet I am also keenly aware of the silence around me in my house; the sound of myself typing on the keyboard and the hum of the computer's CPU breaks that silence. A breeze blows. I seldom get breezes in my window. Strange though as it is, I shall say this. I can hear the silence here. It, ironically, is too loud for me to ignore.
3.00pm
They are still haggling over it. Still saying, and arguing, his foreign policy is bad, there is no link between Iraq and Al Qaeda, that America has never been so isolated, feared and distrusted by the world before. "It is the darkest period in the two-and-a-half centuries of American history." Can they not see, that is no longer the problem...it has been done, and there is no taking it back. What is important now, is to help the Iraqis. What they need now, is help. Not to hear Bush being lambasted. Why do they not focus their energies on that? Why do they go on and on arguing? Do they not see that they miss the point?
All over the world, can they not see, the sadness in the eyes of refugees, of the oppressed, of the weak...can they not hear, their inner cry, cries of anguish, of despair? Can they not feel, that perhaps they weep every night as they sleep?
***************
You who have eyes, open them, for you do not see. You who have ears, listen, for you do not hear. You have blinded yourself, and you hearts have become stone; who can undo that, but you?
It is the darkest period in the 2 million-year history of man. 20 000 centuries.
Monday 14th June 2004
11:57pm. I just had instant porridge for supper. Hungry. There's no packet of flavouring for you to pour in. It was already in the container. And after I finished it I found that the flavouring hadn't totally dissolved. Chunks of it were still there. So I was eating BLAND porridge. Yuck. It said 1 min on the container, well plainly I should have left it much longer. I will not eat instant porridge again.
Wednesday 9th June 2004
Just got my PES grading through the mail. It stares at me and I stare back at it. *Blink*. It says I am PES C9 L3 for 6 months, because of my left eye. That means I am fit only for some operational duties, and at Bases only. Just as the greatest slur you can put on a swordsman is to break his sword, I feel so...watthehell. Hopefully at the end of 6 months I can get a new grading.
Friday 4th June 2004
Arrrgh...being starved of food from 11am to 8pm...I'm a bit cranky now. And I'm not exactly in touch with Air Rifle stuff now...feeling detached from everything today...and there seems to be something wrong with my right shoulder too...I probably jabbed the air a little too hard and fast over the past couple of days. I exceeded the range of motion for my elbow perhaps a little bit and the impulse probably recoiled up my upper arm and affected my shoulder. I wouldn't recommend you try it to see for yourself.
I heard from my air rifle teacher-in-charge and coach today that a number of people are coming late for trainings. And in addition to that, according to my teacher-in-charge, they come half an hour late, and when questioned, "because Ambrose is not around". My teacher thinks I've done a good job during my term but I think that's quite sad. It shouldn't require someone to rein people in for basic things like this. I hope it really isn't as bad as I think. I shouldn't be the reason anybody wants not to be late for training. Training should be the reason anybody wants not to be late for training. On the other hand, perhaps I pushed everybody too hard. And now people are slacking off for the sake of slacking off and not for the sake of rebelling...it's like a cycle. I dunno if this is a suitable analogy, but if you study econs you would know about trade cycles (resulting from the interaction of the multiplier and accelerator). Too big a boom is unsustainable (because of capacity), and too deep a recession will eventually get back up too (because of consumption and demand floors): a big boom contains the seeds of its own destruction and a big recession has the seeds of recovery. (Because of the volatility of investment due to the accelerator effect and expectations,) the best policy is to have moderate and steady, sustainable growth and not sudden big booms. So getting back to air rifle, perhaps I pushed it too hard and now its degenerated into a "recession". Hopefully it will get back up again.
Sunday 30th May 2004
Arrrghh Singaporeans are one hell of an apathetic lot. Was doing volunteering for KDF (Kidney Dialysis Foundation) today outside Heeren, and we were supposed to get people to simply write a few words of well-wishes for kidney patients on small pieces of coloured paper, but almost nobody gave a damn. It's just a few simple words, what's the big deal. ["I need to cross the road."] ["Er, you write"..."No lar, you write lar."..."No you write"...in the end never write.] [Would you like to write something encouraging for the kidney patients? Some well-wishes? "No it's okay" C'mon won't take up too much of your time "No thanks it's okay"] Save the f***ing okay for yourself. It's NOT okay. What the hell is wrong with Singaporeans. They just simply don't want to do something as simple as holding a freaking marker and writing, scrawling a few words even, on a small piece of paper. By the day I'm getting more and more disappointed with my home society. In contrast, I approached this Japanese lady, mistaking her for a local Chinese. She half didn't understand what I was saying, but after some repitition on my part she wrote something down and drew a heart. Wei Jie later translated it and it was something encouraging. How kind of her. Singapore is far from a gracious society. So much for the economic development. As I have said earlier, people, by their own choice, are just disgustingly unaware of their surroundings and others.
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I watched "The Day After Tomorrow" with my parents later in the evening today. I have called for the respect of nature's power in a previous entry, and I shall do so again. The movie, although fictional, is semi-scientific, based on theories of major climate shifts i.e. ice ages, and provides visual testimony of nature's power in all its wrath. It has the power to create, but also, equally, to destroy.
Wednesday 26th May 2004
RJC WON RUGBY!!!! RJC WON RUGBY!!!! Ahhhhh yes....relish the moment, after 6 years...6 points, for 6 years. R-A-F-F-L-E-S. Good job ruggers, that was passion, and you held on longer to it, and more tightly to it than your opponents.
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Sadly, the event brought out the ugly side of both schools involved. I shall first start with RJC...I can't believe why pple don't want to cheer. The councillors were cheering their voices out, I was with them doing the same, and waving the flag around at the same time. Really. Why don't those J1s in front of me cheer as well. I actually went to the extent of making some really rude and inflammatory comments to my councillor friend, and deliberately loud enough so that I would be overheard. Really...I felt like turning the flag in my hands into a pole-arm or a staff, and whacking all of them with it. It's heavy, but manageable, and long too, so I can use both ends effectively if I hold the centre portion. Here is a group of dedicated people cheering their voices out like mad, being as loud as humanly possible, and yet many times over you remain unmoved. WAH KAO. You can go burn in hell. As before, and perhaps even more so now, I really don't have any regard at all for some J1s, because they really don't deserve any.
And now for ACJC. Show some sportsmanship, man. And some basic respect. What's up with jeering, and taunting. One couple right in front of me, after every cheer we did, they just passed on some really loud, sarcastic comments. Really, why not I push you onto the field, then the officers there can carry you off and escort you out? Yes. OUT. And there was a group, I heard, of "bengs" who invaded the RJC side, and started doing some shit too, but I wasn't there personally, so I shan't comment on that. And at both penalties we were awarded, they jeered like mad. I guess, even if you watch the Olympics, you probably can't make much sense out of it yea, ACJC?
Both those RJC people, and ACJC people, you really shouldn't step on other people's toes; what you did was plainly unacceptable. Do some soul-searching. I really hope your toes get stomped on in future. Go to hell. Then your soul will be stomped, too. Maybe you can get run down by a car. Yes, that is how much I hate people like you, who have no respect for order, and are disgustingly unaware, and indifferent to your surroundings and the people around you. This hatred of mine is deep-seated; I have seen much, and perhaps maybe too much. I don't think much of Singaporeans either. I think they're the worst of the lot. Garden city my foot. Come to ground zero, and you'll quickly discover otherwise. I especially hate people in the MRT who blast really loud music without giving a damn about disturbing others with loud, blaring cymbals and drumbeats. So loud that you can hear it 3 metres away from their headphones. I hope all of them go deaf. They know not what's good for them and their hearing, and that they're disturbing others who don't wish to listen to lousy music too. But they're unfeeling, so they should go deaf so they can't do any of that in future. Stupid argument with no logic at all perhaps, but I still hope all of them go deaf. And also people who stand in the doorway when others try to alight. Even with all the announcements and campaigns on being more considerate they still do it. They should go break a few bones. And people who lean on the poles too. They're for holding on to. Not leaning on. Those people deprive others who need to hold on to the pole. In a crowded train I've seen a man lean on to it, and a woman was trying to hold on to it with her fingers, and the man didn't even bother even though the woman's fingers were touching his back. What's that huh? Piece of shit. Bloody piece of shit. And people who don't give way on the path, as if they own the whole bloody place. If I see someone or a group coming I give way. But that should be mutual. Otherwise they should get shoved off the path and have a close brush with a speeding car. And inconsiderate drivers too. Who just cut like nobody's business. If even I, a passenger, feel so riled, what about other drivers? And kiasuness too. What's with kiasuness. Must chiong for the door right? Everything also must chiong right? Chiong, chiong, chiong right? Why don't chiong for death too?
Perhaps I should be a machine. Then I can cast away all emotion, yeah, unfeeling, I know, so that I don't have to be affected by all that shit above. And also so that I don't have to be affected when I program myself with "eliminate on sight". Well that's extreme, but if push comes to shove, you can rest assured I will take you down. I KNOW I am dangerous, and I know I must control myself, but if it really comes to that, and you allow me, I have a particular taste for ruthlessness. Emotion is something to be controlled. And in this case cast aside. I mean it.
Sunday 23rd May 2004
The AOTW will not be updated anymore for now. I'm taking it down. It has become more of a rite or routine rather than relaxation, giving me more stress as and when I struggle to keep with the Sunday deadline for updating it. To anyone, if anyone at all, who was keeping up with the AOTW, I'm sorry. Instead I recommend this website: Venik's Aviation which is an extremely extensive, all-in-one site on aviation, also containing a ton of links, and the best I've ever come across. Probably even better than some of the books I own on aviation. But for those of you who desire something simpler, for which the AOTW was designed for, to bring the aircraft to you, that site is not for you. It's rather technical, and takes some experience in digesting the information found there.
Sadly this AOTW project lasted only about 2 months: Spitfire, Me-262, Mustang, F-16, Su-27, F-15, Yak-9, Bf-109, EF-2000, and I will not be able, at least at this point in time, to continue with it. It takes away too much valuable time, time which can be used for doing work, of which there is no lack, or which can be used for much-needed recharging of worn-out batteries. Indeed I find myself increasingly unable to stay awake for at least 15-16 hours each day. And that's bad.
Wednesday 19th May 2004
Went for the laser on Monday, and hopefully my left eye is gonna be fine. I am supposed to avoid physical activity for the time being. Green argon laser, pulsed. You see nothing but green flashes, and feel like the back of your eye is being stung. Then after that you see a purple veil, dazzled by the bright light. And then some time after that your vision returns to normal, but your eye feels a bit weird. And perhaps I'm not PES E. The doc who did the lasering said it's not a certifiable non-combat-fit condition. But, dunno? He's a foreigner, not familiar with the system here, and what he said conflicts with another doc who did my preliminary check at NUH. Ah hell. Whatever.
Sunday 16th May 2004
Hmm...I didn't know Singapore's SOC uses Accuracy International guns.
Thursday 13th May 2004
Finished my checkup @ Retina, and yes, there is a hole in my left retina. I'm off for laser on Monday. Not an op...they have this machine where they shoot laser into your eye, and the whole thing takes less than 10 min. No school for me on that day, as my pupils will be dilated like hell and they'll cover it with an MC. Sigh. I'll miss FM lect. And that topic is technically heavy. And PES E too.
Pic is up at the AOTW. Ah yes...the list of variants after the main passages is referred to. I may be a machine when it comes to military aviation, but not that powerful a machine. Haha.
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The following was meant to be put up yesterday, but I was too tired to do so. Been tired all the while lately. Brr.
WTF is wrong with RJC!!?? Went for piano ensem concert @ LT3 at 1315, and after it started, pple were still walking in half-an-hour into it. Yeah, I know they got lessons and all, but can't they at least walk down the bl***y steps quietly instead of clanking down them like an elephant, and not letting the LT door go "bh-grng"! And some idiot had to take a call, and on top of that noisily walking out of the LT too! And then noisily coming back! Can't he just reject the call first?? Like I always do?? And i believe his watch beeped too! I don't think that bit of manners is that hard to do, right? And I don't think it's unreasonable, RIGHT??!?!?!? AND worst of all, this helluvan idiot went out, bought ice-cream, and RETURNED TO THE D**MED LT WITH IT! What an a**!! And sad to say he was *formerly* in my junior class. And after the concert I went to eat lunch. I went to buy ice-lemon-tea, and while I was patiently waiting for the lady to finish serving another customer and finish what she was doing, this young lady (note sarcasm ... RJC J1) cut in front of me. A-HEM! WTH!!
SEEEEEEETHEEEEE...............................
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The following was supposed to be put up two days ago. But I was, again, too tired.
-Second-guessing myself-
Today as I was going home in my father's car, I started thinking about events that had come to pass. In particular, that row over ARC exco. Maybe Ka Ming was right. Maybe you were blaming everything in your path that didn't see eye-to-eye with you. Perhaps you just needed time to get over everything. Maybe you are a confident person, but setbacks got you down. Maybe you were in a state of depression, and you'd get out of everything and learn from it yourself. You just needed time to do that. And you did flare after I wrote a reprimanding piece, just as Ka Ming said you would. Perhaps I did come down too heavy-handed and defensive of the exco.
*-*-*
In a world where evil and immorality are rife, Iraq etc etc etc, skullduggery, thuggery, I started to think coercion was the only possible way to stop shit from happening, the only possible way to protect others. I thought that all of that had set in too deep to be moved by reasoning. But maybe I was wrong to apply it to everything. Am I too defensive for my own good? Will my arm-wrangling leave too much destruction in its wake? Yes, maybe.
"Whatever starts in anger will end in shame." — Wong Ka Ming, Air Rifle Vice-Captain 2004/05
Tuesday 11th May 2004
Blogging this in the com lab, because of the possibility that my com at home can't access Geocities for some reason or another...and also because I had to update a really late AOTW series...I don't know if I should continue it...been late for 2 AOTW updates already...last week's and this week's, and this week's isn't even complete yet...it still doesn't have a pic. A lot of things have happened last week such as ORA Family Day, Raffles Move and Groove, that one holiday, and an eye checkup @ NUH Eye Clinic to determine my PES status, but I'm really too tired to blog anything. And I have to go back again to NUH, this time to Retina Specialist Clinic, because there's some problem with my left retina that might develop into a condition that is a medical emergency. And with an associated PES E status too, which will make my NS life really, really boring. Sigh. "In some high myopes there is a chance that a retinal tear will develop, because the vitreous jelly is actually attached to the retina and sometimes pulls on it"..."And this can lead to retinal detachment, which is a medical emergency." So I'm off on an urgent checkup @ NUH Retina Clinic on Thursday (well...that means no econs test for me, actually). Oh well. Time is 3.40pm now. I have Econs S in 10 min. Why the hell is there Econs S on my short day. *&^%$#@. Because there's PE on Thursday, and the only other S Paper session is on Thurday. What crap... And JC life is really dumb. No more Sundays. Sunday is chiong work day. C'est rien que de la merde. ("That's nothing but a piece of shit" in French). Well actually I find the French accent interesting. I've always found accents interesting, and am quite good at mimicking them. Russian especially. Oh well. I must be going mad to be blogging that. I've got to go for S now.
Saturday 8th May 2004
Lagging one day here...because I er, simply plonked and fell asleep on the sofa after getting home after Chorale concert. It was splendid, and very creative..."You need some...PUNCH...in your life"...that whole section was quite lame, but horribly funny, and horribly creative...hahaha. Very well done overall...and the second encore was...haha I thought it was gonna be some really good song when they started singing, until I realised it was the college anthem...never heard it sung by a choir before. Wth haha...college anthem for an encore performance...and that guy who was the beat box was like...woah where the h*** did he learn that...impressive...
The choir was well-coordinated for the songs but I had difficulty "tuning into" and understanding 3 of the songs...I managed to sense the essence of the songs before that but I dunno why I suddenly lost my concentration thereafter, until the intermission. After listening to the whole concert and thinking back, the distinction between songs of the past and modern songs suddenly became very clear...both were ways of expression but differed in the way of expression...previously, different feelings, moods and themes were brought out by varying the properties of the music...repetition, balance, volume between the different parts, interlocking, tempo, and the variability of the human voice...the "soul" of the song, its essence. Some songs were done in unintelliglble words, or gibberish, or words that had no meaning (not because they were in foreign language), but nonetheless still expressed a certain idea. By listening very carefully and "tuning in" you could tell what the song or the composer was trying to say about something...it is important that the short description of the song is read to understand its context — time period, country of origin, special properties of the song — so that one could fully "tune in" to the song. You know when you have, when your soul reverberates and resonates as one with the sound, the "soul" of the song. Modern expressions lean more toward using words to express a certain idea, somewhat exclusively even. Arrgh maybe this is pretty abstract...one has to find one's own way of understanding a song...
Friday 30th April 2004
CLDCS performance was quite good...well done CLDCS!! And I also met old RI compatriots who are in other JCs now...long time no see them...unfortunately I could not go and "have a drink" with them as my parents had arrived to fetch me home. Until the next time then...
Thursday 29th April 2004
Thinking back and hearing the comments from people, I find it amusing myself...hahaha...dragging the commands too long...budden it was something that I hoped I would have a chance at, and I did. My first experience as a voluntary reserve commander...my friend couldn't command today as he has CLDCS performance tomorrow. I assumed the mike was on though, for the pledge. It was supposed to be, but it wasn't, so never mind. It remains a learning experience, and on top of all an amusing one. So the commands must be shorter...the people not used to dragged commands...haha...
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The thunderstorm in the evening today made me think of this:
Do not fear nature, but respect its power. Man came from nature; it has the ability to destroy him.
There is nothing to fear about nature and its forces. Thunder, lightning, wind, rain. But nature's power is great, and that must be recognised, and respected. Man is a part of nature, not above it, and we must respect that. In manipulating nature, we should not try to bring ourselves above it. That is something I feel should be considered in science and technology.
Wednesday 28th April 2004
Just in case anybody was wondering, the AOTW section is written without any books in front of me.
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The prayer of St. Francis: Lord, grant me the strength to accept that which I cannot change.
Sunday 25th April 2004
All right. I'm leaving you alone so you can cool down. I'm moving on; as secretary I've other things to worry about, not just you. I've also my own life to worry about.
Saturday 24th April 2004
Okay...this post is going to be a bit...harsh. I am not exactly in the best of moods now, and right now, I am feeling somewhat offended. I don't like things thrown back in my face (if that is what your blog meant by saying bug off):
To that fellow, if that person is reading this right now, and IF...I said IF, although I hope this isn't true.
IF you still hold it against the outgoing Air Rifle exco because the exco interviews weren't exactly what you expected, then you have made the wrong choice. I am speaking up for the exco because I do not tolerate people holding uninformed views about an excellent group of people. I wanted to talk because of this, but I have not yet managed to do so politely because you are always not around during training. But I will not do so politely now.
Pay attention, and listen. The are reasons behind everything the exco does and that includes every question asked during interviews. If you do not know the reason why, but level criticism at us and hold it against us, you'd better snap out of it. I am not going to waste time with you. Read this, and be more informed.
The reason why we ask about other commitments is because:
1) Air Rifle is a small club, with a low intake of J1s every year. If you get a place in here, but are not committed to the club, you are depriving somebody else, who is really committed, of a place here. If you had taken a good look at both the first and second round of trials, you will find many who are very interested in Air Rifle. I know of at least one person who came TWICE. Did not get in first time, came AGAIN, but still did not get in. I can recognise that person around RJC. Commitment is ALWAYS -repeat- ALWAYS a consideration in our intake of J1s not to mention exco interviews. This is a standard operating procedure. We want to be sure that those in the exco really want to serve the club.
2) The exco faces pressure from this SOP, and we also face pressure from people who have other commitments. SRP, Dance, tuition, you name it. We have been and we are still being flexible. Our new quartermaster is committed to both air rifle and dance, just to cite an example. We allow him to go for dance because we are sure of his commitment to the club, as he demonstrated in the exco interviews. He was the only one who was really psyched up about training, about beating NJC, and the only one who suggested extra training. Another, though she didn't get in, said she would drop SRP if she got in. If you had really wanted to get past the interviews you would have demonstrated that commitment there.
3) It is difficult to find a middle ground when facing pressure from two opposites. But right now, and so far, I think the exco has adopted a very fair policy. Show us your commitment to this club, and okay, as long as you keep that commitment, by all means go for your other commitments. This leads me to my next point.
4) Where executive committee positions are concerned, we want to make sure Air Rifle is the primary commitment. Because of one fundamental difference: we are now talking about a club. Not individuals. You want to get in, you consider the club, not yourself. Not complain about yourself having to take "rubbish questions" from us. One more thing. We in the exco, we work for the club. We don't work for you alone. We consider a much bigger picture than that which you concern yourself with, regarding the club.
If you cannot understand what I have just said, then you truly disappoint me. And disappoint the exco. The captain herself said that she found you disappointing at the interviews. I still had some hope that I could reason with you after reading about those complaints, and explain politely why we ask what we ask. That hope is destroyed.
If the big IF right at the beginning is true, then I have said what I want to say. AND TAKE IT SERIOUSLY. I don't joke around. You know that yourself from a certain punishment session. If it's not true, ignore this.
Ambrose out. (When I start talking like a military person, you well know I'm pissed.)
Thursday 22nd April 2004
Haven't blogged for some time, but dunno whether to continue blogging. And the AOTW page too.
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Sigh. Did NAPFA today. AAAAB...D. Screwed up 2.4. Shit. Wasted. 26 points, but silver. Feel so sucky....
Today some guy, from some really high position in some ministry, came to talk to us. It was supposed to be a dialogue la, but ended up more like a monologue. What a complete waste of time. Fella only wanted to show off his knowledge (albeit applied grossly wrong to scenarios). And his awards.
"ABCDEFG...JKLMNOP...WXYZ...and also has a degree from xxx uni."
"Er, you haven't got the edited one...actually this is, er, too long already haha...waste time, better to get straight to the session."
What the...false humility...heh. Fella was grinning throughout the readout.
Mutually Assured Destruction? Hahaha what an archaic concept. Between M'sia and S'pore? HAHA what a joke! Even if it did come to that situation, they could probably ensure our destruction, but we will never be able to mutually assure their destruction. Please, their territory so big.
What's more, he was just going round and round and round questions without really getting to the point. Round and round and round until people get bored such that they lose track of the question, so that he doesn't really have to answer anything.
The two student presenters who presented some of our questions and highlighted some issues, sitting at the opposite side of the stage facing us, were openly bored. One was just staring, and the other was playing with the drink on the table and doodling. And when debators get bored, that usually means something wrong, right?
And to tell the truth, at least one teacher, a GP teacher, actually wanted to just walk out of the place. But could not la obviously, or else get into trouble.
Seems some people high high up there, think we're so stupid that we'll just take any views handed down. We're politically apathetic, not because we really are, but because we just can't be bothered with the silly things that they do, and how they think we're dumb. So we don't bother about local stuff. Ever see us not discussing international politics? World events?
It was good enough we gave him some face...otherwise, heh heh, all sorts of questions would have come out from the students. What to say? Maybe they're under pressure...expected to do everything and listen to everything because of the kind of scholarships they get. But I'm STILL wondering. What is the highest-ranking fellow in the armed forces doing in a non-military place — if military is what he does best, stay put. Don't go somewhere else and potentially make wrong decisions (screw up). Oh yes, someone actually asked something like this too (of course on a more general scale, not directed at only his credentials), but he went round and round and round the question again.
To sum up, feedback sheet of a straight-A student, my classmate (A1 for GP and his essay was on politics, don't need to question his thoughts):
Topic: Assorted (probably a direct snipe at that high high place up there because of all the s*** talks and "dialogue sessions" they schedule)
Informativeness of session: Strongly Dissatisfying (I shall abbreviate with SD, for obvious reasons)
Usefulness of content in session towards your curriculum: SD
Length of the session: SD
Format of session (presentations first then Q&A): SD
What was your key takeaway from this session?: 1/2 hr of sleep. (And something else which i've forgotten, equally sarcastic and indifferent)
What a waste of 2 hours. And a break, too. On a day with NAPFA test.
(As to why 1/2 hour of sleep, that was because the hall was too hot to really sleep in. Singapore's getting hotter at this time of the year. Grr.)
NB: If I made a list of "the silly things that they do" it'd probably stretch quite a bit. And with serious discussion of issues. With serious ramifications regarding those issues.
Thursday 15th April 2004
Depression sets in like poison, slowly creeping, without warning, eating up the insides, consuming the spirit, weakening, devouring, tightening its grip, strangling......... When the physical no longer matters, it is either a very good thing or a very bad thing. In this case, it is obvious.
For the first time in my schooling life, I lost my appetite to eat anything. Anything at all, even if I was hungry. For the first time, too, I really felt like ponning econs lect. The first time I felt like ponning ANY lect. For the whole day, I lost interest in everything and anything academic. I didn't want to do anything at all.
I feel as if I cannot handle things anymore. I am not performing, I feel so inferior to my contemporaries who are so much better than me, I keep making mistakes, I just feel so...dead...numb, depressed, dead.
If it wasn't for the soccer and floorball for PE at the end of the day, I don't know what would have happened.
Saturday 10th April 2004
Air rifle training...managed to chiong physics tut ;P haha...had one helluva basketball game today for post-trg games...Teck Tee and co. all team up against me and make me jump and jump and run and run like mad...haha...never jumped so much for rebounds before...Teck Tee's damn good!! Good game good game!! Budden, I must improve my rejecting skills otherwise I might go down into the "acrobatic but no skill" category...sigh...
Thursday 8th April 2004
OUCH...here pain there pain everywhere pain...ouch...especially, my shins in quite bad shape after (always) landing hard while practicing lay-ups. And it's not the muscle...the bone is pain...ow. Now can't quite run or brake properly.
I wonder if I can take JC life...can I cope? I'm lagging behind in tutorials, and my common test results really suck...got back GP paper today, and...sigh. Am I able to keep up with the pace? Should I have went to JC in the first place? My classmates all talk about As and Bs for econs, GP, but...sigh...being surrounded by people of such high calibre, I can't help feeling that I really CMI, while sometimes, I am filled with respect and admiration...Raihan is damn good at sports...and he guides people along. It is good or bad, to be surrounded by such people??? I really really cannot make it...After getting back the GP paper I just lost interest in everything academic after that...maths tutorial and econs lect...the only good thing today was perhaps that I got to shout in an LT to let my friend, who's one of the best NCC cadet lieutenants around, with a lot of parade commanding experience, hear how loud I am. I didn't know I could really "baris" that loud.
Wednesday 31st March 2004
2.4km time trial...I never knew I could do that timing I had today...thanks Joe...now I know I can pace you!! After that Joe, Hocks, Kit and me went to play bball, and I picked up a shin injury. OUCH. My left shin is effectively dead. I hope it's not something more than just a bad strain...my right hamstring too, is feeling the strain after the run...
Tuesday 30th March 2004
I had the BEST game of badminton in my life ever today!!! I never knew I could hold out so long, and hitting with more and more strength towards the end. The power of the mind. That's what it does to you. I actually got my downward shots right! At just the required angle to make it hard to catch. HAHA! And it was such a good workout, and a real good release of stress and all that shit that's been happening recently.
Saturday 27th March 2004
5 latecomers for Air Rifle today. I blasted the club today. I hope I will never have to do that again.
-depressed-
Saturday 27th March 2004 00.56am
Why did 1S13A have to split????!?!?!?!?!?????????????
-depressed-
Friday 26th March 2004
I've moved my site up a folder so you can access it more easily @ www.geocities.com/triman_sg rather than the very long address previously used. There's still a copy of the blog at the old address but I'm only gonna keep it for a while longer, so (if there are people reading this) those of you who haven't taken note can use the new address.
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Term 2 Common Tests are over!!! YAY! Had much fun today together with Boon, Joe, Kit, LY and XC...Bowling @ Marina South, haha, budden, ya larh, I sucked at it lar. Boon rocks @ bowling!! He had a "four bagger"!! Then Kit and XC left early and the four of us left continued bowling some more and finally left for some chow @ Long John's. There, we talked about a bit more serious stuff...
Our junior class S13A has been split up into 3 parts, S12A, 16A and 03P. 12A and 16A will be in engine, and we're more than happy to have them as our junior classes, if 2S02A doesn't want the 1S02A part of 12A still. The problem lies with the 03P pple...it does not make much sense to have a medicine class in engine fac. However, CPS, Arts and Med are full! Only engine fact. still has vacancies for junior classes...So, the best would be to let you juniors choose which fac you want to be in. We won't let engine break up or die out -yet-. Not till the MOE fully removes F Maths from the JC Syllabus. And we WANT our juniors back. 03P, we will be fully behind you should you choose to remain as our juniors. 1S12A, 1S16A, 1S03P, 2S02B - we must stand together in front of the admin. Former members of 1S13A! Shine through!
Thursday 25th March 2004
The tagboard is more accessible now...(hint hint).
Physics Paper left tomorrow morning...
Oh er by the way, here's another pic of a Spitfire...if you've been to the aircraft of the week page you'd know what I'm talking about ;)
This one is a Mk. IX with a Merlin 61 engine.
Friday 19th March 2004
Pain...pain...pain................
I've never walked away from the shooting lane in so much pain before.....
Finger pain — red even through the shooting glove, foot pain, left abdominal area pain, neck pain...., heart...pain......everything pain.....
Kudos to Celina and her optimism....sort of eased my despair a bit...
Well 3 people were late today, and it seems we end up with an average of around 3 per training? Sigh. I don't know what to say anymore.
Had exco meeting after training. My Palm crashed on me. Lost all unsaved minutes....grrrrrrr.....and the stupid electrical system in LT2 kept shutting down.....the master fuse switch is faulty....it happened before, tripping every ten minutes....happened way back for Drama Feste rehearsals too...and when I went and turned the switch back on, it felt and still feels hot....like as if it was burning before....all the other switches didn't and still don't. And today it even went so far as to render the switch nearly useless. I barely succeeded in turning the power back on for the last two tries after like, 3 or 4 trips. RJC's really crumbling.
Thursday 18th March 2004
I'm adding in a new section..."airplane of the week". There I will post a pic of a chosen airplane every week starting next week, accompanied by a short elaboration about the significance of the aircraft. I will *try* to update it every week in keeping with the "AotW" name of the section, given my kind of schedule haha...EnJoY!
Wednesday 17th March 2004
Air Rifle - every training we end up with at least 30 pumpings because of latecomers. And an exco member forgot to sign in his weapon today. Good job guys, good job. WHY CAN'T WE HAVE NO LATECOMERS...and also BETTER ATTENDANCE?? For the first time in my tenure as secretary, I am hearing lame excuses like, did not know about training, overslept, etc. etc. First time in history I am putting down so many big fat zeroes for attendance. And people don't bother to tell anyone whether they're coming or not. I end up with a lot of blank spaces in the attendance record, and have to go around asking people why they didn't go for training. IT SHOULD BE THE OTHER WAY ROUND. YOU look for ME, or any other exco member. Don't wait for us to call you up / ask you. I think we should start issuing warnings.
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Today I ate alone again. At Ghim Moh this time rather than Mac's as on Monday. Monday - 5 guys stayed for lunch, and the other 4 decided, on impulse, to go to town for Sakae sushi. Ended up at mac's alone, caught in the rain. Met Eugene at mac's though. Not so bad after all. Today - the whole club just... broke up. Fragmented, all went seperate ways after PT. Woah, never happened before. Well, lunch together is a choice, emphasis on choice, I guess.
Saturday 13th March 2004
Not a very good day. Felt pissed and grouchy from around 12.30pm onwards. Still feel grouchy now. Never felt so pissed after air rifle training. And I thought air rifle was good for me. Look forward to it the day before, then go through it and come out feeling like a piece of *&^%$#@. Been like that for two weeks already. I'm not so sure I'm gonna look forward to it next time.
Thursday 11th March 2004
GP Common Test, 10MAR2004 0815-1130. BAH!! Dammit. It's 50-50 that my essay will pull through. Either it is damn good, or it is damn lousy. And I'm afraid it'll be the latter. And the comprehension. !@#^&%%!@#&^%!! Application question was simply HORRIBLE!! "What methods do you think CAN be used... ...?" THAT IS DESCRIPTIVE!! WHEN WE HAVE ALL BEEN DRILLED AND DRILLED AND DRILLED TO BE ARGUMENTATIVE!!!!!! I'm kinda getting to think that Singaporean GP teachers can't set questions for nuts. I mean, which brit will set something like, "How important do you think is CCA for a student?" Forget it. Enough of that shit. The brit-set papers are those we're supposed to be training for, but the Singaporean-set ones just don't make the cut.
Today, NS Medical Checkup. BAH!! I need to go back next month to see the eye medical officer because of a high degree of myopia. And that means I'm temporarily PES D for one month, "pending medical review". And the blardy freaking MAPAS test was super screw-up. Left me freezing in the stupid VAC centre doing that dumb test on the computer for 2+ hours. My left deltoid started locking up and it hurt, man. Then the back of my neck started locking and I was gonna get a headache. How to do test liddat??? Especially since it's not a physical test but one that involves the brain?
Sigh.
Friday 5th March 2004
After having not blogged for so long, this place must have been getting dusty. Sigh. I feel stressed. Very stressed. This whole week, and last week as well. I'm cracking under pressure...cracking...there are so many things to take care of I'm finding I cannot handle all of them.
Sunday 22nd February 2004
ENGINE WON BEST SCRIPT FOR DRAMA FESTE!!!!!! HURRAY!!!!! THE J1s INVOLVED ROCK!! ONLY 3 J2s INVOLVED!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Monday 16th February 2004
It's been a really tiring day and start of a new week, after a really tiring one last week. I wish I could just chill, but I can't. There are so many things to take care of, so many things to worry about, and no rest. Even after dinner at Mac's, which was probably the best time of the day, when we just sat and ate and talked. But then after that it's work, again. I don't mind a long day, as long as I know that at the end of it I can just chill out and relax for the rest of the night. But then, it's work, again, after the chilling out, and that's what really gets me down and makes me tired of everything, as if there's nothing good to look forward to even at the end of the whole day. People need something to motivate them at the end of the day, and if everyday is just like that, work, chill, work again, then there's really really no point.
Monday 9th February 2004
Drama Feste rehearsals today - some came on time, some came late, some stayed, some left early. It is difficult to do things when this happens. I admit today was very last-minute, but for subsequent rehearsals we need EVERYBODY down at the SAME time, for the WHOLE period of time. We request some commitment; last year we didn't even have a script and adapted an existing play in 4 days and we got Best Actress, this year we HAVE a script, we HAVE a good cast, we have TWO people directing, we CANNOT screw up. Screwing up would be very very stupid and indeed extremely illogical.
Air Rifle Camp on Friday/Saturday was okay. But I'll stop there. I only think it's okay, not great or something.
Thursday 5th February 2004
Sunday was a whale of a time...senior-junior class party...nearly the whole junior class turned up, and also most of the seniors. It was good to see that the juniors were bonding with each other, and even with some of the seniors (but I don't have a mortal haha). 1S13A is a very on class!!! They rock!!! And the J1s also have a coooool dance with a wicked song!!
It must have been the on J1s, Desmond in particular, that got me dancing again...me and Hock Boon are learning the J4 dance now! Ikandas...the music's cool as well.
Drama Feste is coming up soon too, and I'm glad that most of the class signed up to be a part of the Engine play...I ended up as an assistant director too, and I envisage that I'm gonna get horribly busy in the coming 2 weeks.
Meanwhile, have a good time out there, whoever you are...I'm sleepy now...blogging this at 1.05am (so the chronologically correct date would be Friday the 6th)...I am SOOOO SLEEPY...
Friday 30th January 2004
On A Train Back Home, Yet Nowhere
The world passes before my eyes,
Green, blue, white and grey.
The birds frolick in the skies,
The wind adds to the fray.
But I stare into the world,
Green, blue, white and grey.
Into darkness I am hurled,
Drowning in Thought's ocean.
Disconnected from the world,
Green, blue, white and grey.
It is still; I am moving,
Yet in time I am immobile.
Alone in the world,
Green, blue, white and grey.
Tell me, tell me,
Where is my place?
Well...it could have been the maths test earlier on, but after I said goodbye and started my journey home, loneliness and thoughts started to assail me again. I was on the train looking out the window, at approximately 3 or so, I can't even remember the time to the nearest hour, and everything outside seemed to be in a relative state of activity, trees waved, cars moved, albeit the colours appeared somewhat jaded from the play of sunlight. I was motionless against the glass panel, listening to songs, and I felt...disconnected. Disconnected from everything else, just hearing the songs play, and trying to find what little comfort I could from them. I am here, present, physically present in the train, but am I? Am I? I can't find myself amid the greater scope of things, the world moves, I am still, I am not with it, yet my presence lingers. Where, where is my place here?
Tuesday 27th January 2004
I slept in the train on the way back...standing!!
Wednesday 21st December 2004
HAPPY CNY!!!
And...I've got a tagboard now! It's a little of a scroll down though, because of the long list of links on the left.
Sunday 18th January 2004,
Well I dunno what to say. Been a hell of a tiring time (alliteration not intended), with more mad PE sessions, Air Rifle trials, settling back into school whatever whatever.
Blogging this after finding my maths score for SAT I stagnating at 730 after doing 2 tests, albeit the mathematics parts only, in 10 Real SATs, my mood, naturally, isn't very good, since I'm in a double maths course and I should ideally be getting above 750.
Well, enough of that, I guess. Life goes on. I will try for higher scores, and give it what I can. Knowing that, I should, perhaps, not be disappointed after I retake my SAT I on the 24th.
I hate to end on a sad note, so I'd like to give some words to whoever's reading this to perk him/her up: This is only the start of the year, and you've a long way ahead. Believe in yourself, give it your best shot, take things in stride, and you'll be doing great. Never despair, if you've got a problem look for your friends, or you can look for me — e-mail and message-board's to the left — and smile always!
Thursday 8th January 2004
All right...today's PE was madness. 9 rounds, with time constraints each round that got faster and faster. I thought my limbs wouldn't be able to take it anymore, but I actually managed to play basketball with my class and junior class. LoL.
Ah yes, speaking of my junior class, we met them today, and they're a great bunch. At least on first impressions. ;-)
A great lot, but two guys managed to con me about their names for quite a while (!@!*@&#) haha...no hard feelings, but I can't believe I was conned for so long.
In front of my junior class today I was just being a fool. I'm usually a serious person, but today I was rather...flippant. Ah bleagh, so much for first impressions. I gave everybody a wrong first impression today, portraying myself as a very "beng" person. In the coming days, weeks, (hopefully), they will get to see the real me.
I'm sleepy...blogging this at 2338 after a very long and tiring day...but S13A, you guys rock already. Enthu. Sporting. Stay that way.
Thursday 1st January 2004
Happy New Year~!!
Tuesday 30th December 2003
I was tinkering around with JASC Paint Shop Pro and created these...dunno why, and dunno what they are =P , but if anyone wants them (well, for desktop/backgrounds?), drop me a message and i'll send them to you...these are 60% of original size at 1024 x 768 pixels, but any size is possible, i'll resize them for you.
Monday 29th December 2003
It's quiet. Very quiet in MSN...why? =(
Saturday 27th December 2003
Today 6 of us from RJ Air Rifle went with our coach to the National Shooting Centre at Choa Chu Kang, where we were introduced to a number of shooting events. It was a real eye-opener, and it was FUN!! Tooooooo bad a lot of people didn't go...such an outing is a once-in-a-lifetime thing... =(
First, we were introduced to the shotgun, and the skeet, trap and double trap events. Yes, shoot clay pigeons...it's not as easy as you think though. The shotgun is double-barrelled (over-and-under), utilizes 12-gauge shells, with the lower barrel firing first then the upper barrel firing with another squeeze of the trigger...the recoil is WHAAAAM! Furthermore, you do not have the luxury of a rear sight. You have a rail that runs along the whole barrel to aim, and a front sight-like thingy. You might say it makes things easier, but it was impossible for me to aim without closing my non-aiming eye, which shooters normally do, because of the lack of a rear sight aperture to align the front sight with. Not so easy there.
Next, we were introduced to the 50 metre 0.22cal free pistol precision event. The pistol used (a Hammerli model) is single-shot, utilizes 0.22cal Long Rifle Rimfire rounds, bullets mind you, not pellets, and is, of course, heavier than the 0.177cal air pistol. Surprisingly, the trigger is much lighter even than the 0.177cal air rifle's!
Then, we got a taste of the 50 metre 0.22cal free rifle precision event, prone. The rifle (a Feinwerkbau model) is single-shot bolt-action, uses 0.22cal LR (Long Rifle) Rimfire rounds, weighs about 6kg (heavier than the 0.177cal air rifle), and is amazingly pleasant to shoot, with very little recoil. For me, it was THE event of the day...I want to shoot it again!! Prone position! Precision precision precision!
The trigger used in both the 50 metre events above is a single-pressure trigger, which is very very (have I emphasized "very" enough?) light, and you have to aim, aim, aim before you even touch that trigger.
Then we went for the 25 metre 0.22cal standard pistol event. We had to squeeze off 5 rounds in 10 seconds! Actually, the event goes in 3 stages, 50, 20 then 10 seconds, but we went straight for the challenge after trying out 2 rounds in 10 seconds to get a feel for the aiming and recoil. Rhythm is very important in this event. The pistol (a Pardini model) is of semi-automatic operation, with a magazine holding 5 rounds of the 0.22cal LR Rimfire type, and the cartridge ejection and feed mechanism being gas blowback-operated, by the expanding gases behind the fired slug.
After that, we went for the last, and the most "man" event...lol...the 25 metre 0.32cal centre-fire pistol event. The are two parts, precision and rapid-fire, and we went for the rapid-fire event. The target faces away for 7 seconds, then flips back and faces you for 3 seconds and then away and so on, for 5 shots. Imagine raising, aiming and firing the heavy pistol in 3 seconds! The pistol, a beautiful (repeat, beautiful) Walther model, utilizes 0.32cal wadcutter rounds, and has a magazine that accepts 5 rounds, also being semi-automatic and gas blowback-operated. The recoil is baamm! Yeah man...0.32cal lol.
The trigger for the above 2 events is single-pressure and a lot (at least twice as heavy) heavier than the 500g weight of the 0.177cal air pistol. Keep pulling...pull some more!! BANG!
The difference between Rimfire and centre-fire rounds is that the firing pin (which makes the cartridge fire the slug) hits the edge of the casing for Rimfire, rather than the primer in the centre of the casing for centre-fire.
All of the weapons above are mechanically operated (as opposed to using compressed air for air rifles/pistols), with expanding gases from gunpowder as the slug propellant.
A good day!!! Looking forward to training on Monday...albeit with our 0.177cal air rifles and pistols. After today, Sogeki and Time Crisis 3 at the arcade seem stupid. Very stupid. =P
Monday 22nd December 2003
Yo yo yo yo yo!!!! Today was a loooooooong day, and i slept at 4am the night b4 (eeek), but today was a goooooood day!!! CIP @ J8 Open Plaza was okay, but the bread haul for Food From The Heart was humongous!!! A lot of bread for the elderly today...and cookies too...yupz...a good day indeed.
Friday 19th December 2003
Guess I shouldn't have spoken too soon... =P
Air Rifle is now officially very very busy with CIP...X'Mas Fun...rushing for time!
Monday 15th December 2003
Uneventful, and routine. ANYBODY WANTS TO GO OUT?!?!?!?!?!?!?...Arrgh.
Friday 12th December 2003
This place deserves an update...getting rusty lol...sitting around rotting during hols, of all time, lol! I've got freeeeeeeeee time, anybody wants to go out?!?!? ROFL I must be going mad...
Well everybody's on hols now, and 2 days ago we only had 5 people down for Air Rifle training...i shot a ten without breaking the nine ring though!! *Beams*
Saturday 6th December 2003
All right...just had SAT I today. Bad bad bad. Flop - i predict a score of 1300.
------------
Air rifle chalet during the past three days was rather fun, but occasionally a bit dull (Playing Time Crisis 3 on PS2 for God knows how many times...and watching movie after movie after movie on VCD, lol). But, hey hey, the hidden talent of Air Rifle was revealed, lol, singing karaoke! Lol ok i'm such a lamer...hahaha that was great!
It was effectively only 2 days though...the early check out time (9 - 10am) was really a dumb bummer.
------------
Hmmm...I feel a strong desire to teach, to educate, to pass on knowledge, to pass on gems of wisdom, such that people will live to the fullest of their lives. That is why, perhaps, I created the Thoughts and Creed sctions. And perhaps, just perhaps, someone's life will be improved and made fuller. And having done that, is to have suceeded in life.
Tuesday 2nd December 2003
Ah well...this blog's been sitting and rotting for a while now. Tomorrow marks the start of the Air Rifle Chalet, and i'm gonna be away a while.
Been flying with the Aussies on IL-2 Sturmovik FB (heh heh they've got a real deep accent) with full voice comms! Adds dimensions of realism and fun to the game instead of relying on typed messages.
Thursday 27th November 2003
Sitting and rotting.
Wednesday 19th November 2003
Just got IL-2 Sturmovik: Forgotten Battles. Now having loads of fun (and challenge) firing up the jet units on the Me-262A fighter/fighter-bomber jet from the WW2 era. Hey...its not that easy. I've suffered 4 engine flameouts on the ground before I finally got into the air, and after that 1 engine flameout in the air. All led to explosions after the flames spread to the fuel lines.
But now, I can take off! Yeah...but I haven't mastered the landing yet. Crashed once, boom, and the next one was a hard landing where i lost both main gear units, leaving only the nose landing gear intact. They form a "tricycle", nose gear unit in front and two main gear units behind. Until I get my hands on the stall speed of the Me-262, I reckon I'll never land successfully.
The hiss of the jet units on startup and the scream in the air is really really gratifying...the wonders of being at the controls of a WW2 jet. Well, its engines weren't that reliable, but there's that extra edge. You know what I mean.
Jets, they are very different from propeller-driven aircraft. (Both in the positive and negative sense).
Do visit the Me-262 Screenshots section!!!
Thursday 13th November 2003
PW is over!!! (Sorry ah I lagged one day here.)
Sunday 9th November 2003
The wound I have on my knee...is freaking horrendous. Cap that with a sore throat, and you have a lousy, dysfunctional human.
I watched The Matrix: Revolutions today, and I came away with one discovery: The difference between programmes, and humans, is choice, independant of any precedent or predefined variables.
So I may say, that I am a human. To those who are reading this, I am not a machine. I am a human, perhaps fighting in a machine under my control and subject to my choices.
Wednesday 5th November 2003
Hmmz...a lot of people ponned school today. I never imagined that would happen in a JC...(no offence) but hmmz *raises eyebrow and smiles*.
2, 8, 9, 14, 26 Nov - 1S02B
2, 11, 17 Nov - Air Rifle
I have quite a few things to buy.
Sunday 2nd November 2003
Hmmz...spent the first half of the day pensive (I wasn't thinking about my birthday though...just thinking, as I always am).
More people knew it was my birthday than I thought. And I got a little surprise from one of my classmates during PW meeting today. Mrs. Field's cookies! What a sweet gesture. Wow. Yup, wow.
Thursday 30th October 2003
I feel I have no one to talk to; so alone, alone, alone. No one to lend a listening ear. No one who will understand.
Does anyone understand the meaning of "alone", put together with "helpless"?
Wednesday 29th October 2003
Well...it's been 4 days since my last post, but I don't quite know what to put down. Perhaps I'm just tired. AABF. And C5. Econs S?
Well, now I'm actually thinking, what is the point of this? Am I writing this here simply for the sake of writing? Nobody reads this right? If anyone is, perhaps you'd like to indicate your presence in the guestbook, before the updates get less and less and finally cease altogether. It is twilight, and twilight turns soon to night.
Saturday 25th October 2003
RRROOAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
I NEED A PUNCHING BAG
RRROOAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
-System shock-
Blzzt.....bzzzzt
-System breakdown-
...
...
-System shutdown-
---------------------
(15 minutes later)
-System startup-
-Recovering...
...
...
-Running primary system checks...
...System core......OK
...Powerplant......OK
...Primary power reserves......LOW
...Emergency power reserve......OK
...Mechanics......OK
...Chemical management......OK
...Energy management......OK
...Input mechanisms...
......Auditory......OK
......Optical......OK
......Gaseous particulate......OK
......Pressure......OK
......Liquid/solid particulate......OK
...Output mechanisms...
......Mechanical......OK
......Vocal......OK
......Visual signalling......OK
Primary systems......GO
-Running secondary system checks...
...Advanced detection mechanisms...
......Auditory......Recovering
......Optical......Recovering
......Gaseous particulate......Recovering
......Pressure......Recovering
......Liquid/solid particulate......Recovering
...Targeting/tracking systems...
......Search/scan systems......Recovering
......Target acquisition/focusing......Recovering
......Target tracking......Recovering
......Target motion analyser......Recovering
......Firing solution computer......Recovering
...Weapons systems...
......Weapons management......Recovering
......Fire-control system......Recovering
...Stabilizing gyro......Recovering
...Heat management systems...
......Energy output management systems......Recovering
......Heatsinks......Recovering
Secondary systems......NOGO
Combat effectiveness......15%
...
...
-System checks complete-
Friday 24th October 2003
Oh yes...I forgot to put this up...shot this yesterday with my rifle...custom target design (for Open House), target no. 90, pasted on a stardard Klamer target card......howzzat? Headshot. =P
Thursday 23rd October 2003
PROMOS ARE OVER...(well actually they were over 3 days ago). Just had RJC Open House today...it was quite okay. AND I GOT TO SHOOT THE AIR RIFLE AGAIN!!!! Yea how pro is that. lol
Friday 17th October 2003
Well...the promos are nearly over, with the bulk of it gone. But I sure as hell screwed up damn near every paper I sat for. But, "life begins after promos", or so my friend said. =)
Sunday 12th October 2003
Air...
Your element is Air. You are an artistic person
with a unique sense of style. You are
intelligent, constantly active and most likely
like to sing. Constantly moving, the air is a
force of nature. One moment you can be a breeze
the next a tornado.
What's your element? brought to you by Quizilla
Tuesday 7th October 2003
Promos are only 3 days away. But, after the maths lecture, econs lesson and GP lesson, I can't help but feel I'm dead for promos.
Having done most of econs but only a third of physics and nothing for both maths subjects, and with physics and F maths being a mere 6 and 7 days away, I can't help but feel a sense of gloom and doom.
Ming Jing said to relax and get good rest, and added that she hasn't done much herself, but how can I relax with promos only such a short time away and my revision needing much more polishing? Not even polishing perhaps, I've done nearly nothing; there's nothing to polish.
And then there's the issue of 'S' papers. If I don't take them I might not be able to get a scholarship in future. That means I won't be able to go overseas to study and perhaps not even being able to get a local scholarship.
Will things work out? Will things take care of themselves?
I'm lost.
I happened to hear "White Flag", sung by Dido...the chorus is as follows:
Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
I'm wondering, how many can say that - not sing, but say, looking straight into others' eyes - and especially the last line?
Sunday 5th October 2003
Well, we lost floorball...4-6, but it was a good game...very close at certain points, although 6A opened the scoring. Everyone played well, and there were handshakes after the match. I can say that relations between 2B and 6A have been strengthened through the soccer and floorball games we had.
Promos are 5 days away. I'm thinking about the days after promos...the days of Open House, Air Rifle trainings blah blah. Promos, is a swift river to ford. Beyond that, lands of the greenest pastures. I hope I don't drown.
Hmm....how'd ya like this one? The Heckler and Koch PSG-1 (Pr亩sion Scharfsch?ehr-1, or Precision Sharpshooting rifle) semi-automatic sniper rifle:
Monday 29th September 2003
This place deserves an update.
The promos are 1 1/2 weeks away. Its econs, econs, econs and more econs...why did I take econs? Phy + MC + FM sounds nice enough...I'm discovering the beauty of maths and the gore of econs in JC...I hope I manage to pull through with at least a C for econs.
Anyway, 2B thrashed 6A for soccer. HAHAHAHAHA 2B rocks.
But, by the way, why do I not have a punching bag when I so clearly need one?!? Whacking the air has no kick. And whacking the wall only reflects the whack back to me. Ever tried kicking a wall and recoiling 2.5 metres back to nearly stumble into a cupboard? Bleagh. So much for martial arts.
Air Rifle still rocks. 2B faces 6A again for floorball this Wednesday...I don't have high hopes, but we've got a great team. And Kahli is so enthu about floorball lol.
Tuesday 16th September 2003
Dead. 3 weeks to promos. Revision in tatters.
Thursday 11th September 2003
I haven't been writing much; I haven't the time, nor the inspiration to write new poems...apologies for that.
And not to mention, I probably flunked my piano exam 2 days ago. Very bad.
Monday 8th September 2003
The exams are coming.
Friday 5th September 2003
Had a really really good game of soccer today with Joel, Hock Boon and Yoke Pean, and Keng Piang and his classmate. Hmmm the golf was good too, but I still need to watch that drive. The chip and putt are okay.
And Xizi is still always being herself. LoL
Bushed after all the golf and soccer. Both were good, very very good.
Thursday 4th September 2003
Hmmm...why do I always get the urge to start mouthing something off in some alien tongue, yet not know how to, besides producing incomprehensible gibberish?
And today...today, today, today...what happened today? Certainly, I saw my class not in the canteen during break. I saw my class not, I say again. The first time I totally felt no sense of belonging to 1S02B at all. Nothing. Zilch. Understand? Or will you say no comprendo? I sat with Rayner and his class in the canteen, and said little. 5A, at least they sit together.
(If you wanted to dehumanize me, the process is either complete or almost. I'm turning into something without feeling for 1S02B. Stone-faced, stone-everything, passive, switched-off, indifferent, nothing, NOTHING.)
I've got work to do, piano exams to worry about, promos to worry about, "and miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep".
Shall I go on with 2B? Shall I continue to try and feel for 2B? Or shall I not? Or can I? Or I am sufficiently detached from the class to render any attempt a useless one, to render any attempt slammed and put down, to render any attempt being seen as hypocritical, to render any attempt......?
Class photo, was a nice touch, but Kahli merely wanted to finish her film, and 4 did not join in; no, 4 did not join in.
Pessimist? Oh, worst-case-scenarios are often unpredicted and unexpected. Worst-case-scenarios are what I see, and worst-case-scenarios are often what happens. Unpredicted and unexpected, unseen and unheard, unfelt, unspoken. Until it becomes too apparent. At which point there's no saving it.
It's alright, Ambrose, it's alright. You don't have to feel this way. Maybe you're insecure, maybe you're just not comfortable with the environment, or maybe its the environment that's causing it. Really? No comprendo.
Had a good time playing the piano at home today. Someday I may play for 2B, but none will appreciate, none will appreciate. Our ears are sealed, music will not open them. I am reminded of the song, "The Sound of Silence".
Hello darkness, my old friend, I've come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping, Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain,
Still remains, within the sound of silence.
In restless dreams I walked alone, Narrow streets of cobblestone,
'neath the halo of a street lamp, I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night, and touched the sound of silence.
And in the naked light I saw, Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking, People hearing without listening,
People writing songs, that voices never share.
And no one dared, Disturb the sound of silence.
"Fools" said I, "You do not know, Silence like a cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you, Take my arms that I might reach you."
But my words like silent raindrops fell,
And echoed, In the wells of silence
And the people bowed and prayed, To the neon god they made.
And the sign flashed out its warning, In the words that it was forming.
And the sign said, "The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls." and whisper'd in the sounds of silence.
Tomorrow is the last day of Term 3. But no one will remember Ambrose ever was there, they will but "wonder why the name sounded familiar", and so will I remember that for the first time, today, I felt nothing for 2B.
Tuesday 2nd September 2003
Yesterday was another of those one-off, great days of anyone's life. But that's not to say that life is so sad all the time, although sometimes it certainly feels like it is...4E had a class barbeque at Mr. Brian Ng's place, our former form teacher. Our other form teacher, Ms. Grace also came along, and 4E had again, a great time being 4E. We ate, played, strummed, drank and made merry. It felt sooooo good to be with 4E again, and Mr. Ng kept cracking jokes...haha CYX even got diaoed by Ms. Grace!
Well...there ends another happy event in my JC life...after that, it was back to that life. Not least of which, I get the feeling nobody in my class accepts me for who I am, save a few notable fellows like Joel and Xizi. At least, the guys and girls in Air Rifle all accept me the way I am. Air Rifle rocks man. Cheers to Air Rifle. And 4E rocks too. Why do people expect me to be a sociable, chattable guy? Do I have to live up to others' expectations of me to be their friend? When I finally prove myself to be not so sociable, not so chattable, well, people just leave me out of their circles. I'm left uninformed of things that you'd tell your classmates, you'd do with your classmates blah blah. Hey, I'm a human too. Fine, I'm eloquent and assertive when it comes to public speaking, but why do you expect me to be that way, when I'm not doing that, too? Public speaking and socializing are two entirely different things.
I'm the type of person who's not so very used to socializing, who speaks little, preferring to observe and reflect, a person of few words. Except during public speaking when I have time and material to go and prepare and carefully shape and mould my arguments in a diplomatic kind of way to avoid getting retorted at by, well, you-know-who for Current Affairs Presentations. Notice that I said some things about Americans before going on to criticize the so-called Iraqi freedom fighters. Talking about the Iraqis was actually the main point I wanted to make for that part of my presentation, but if I did not say something about the Americans first I would've got stung.
So why? Why do you expect me to be the way you want me to be? I accept you for who you are, why can't you do the same? Yes, you all are sociable people, but one man's meat is another man's poison, and everybody is different. I am not used to, and I don't quite like socializing in the sense that everybody else does. Big group, what's hip, what's hot...I don't like being in that situation. I prefer small discussions between few people.
But the way some treat me, it's dehumanizing and sad. I don't get, from them, the respect fellow humans deserve. Leaving me out of everything, they act as if I'm not there. So I will too, they don't exist to me, with the notable exception of the noble Joel, who knows how to see the inner side of people and appreciate them for it, I daoed a whole group of 5 people this morning by walking past them. If I'm just air, then I can only mix with air right?
Talking about getting me out of my corner, my reply is that if that fails, you don't just slap a label on me and say "loner, doesn't exist". I'm not used to going into the open, in that sense; I've been shy, introverted all my life, and will remain so. So why slap a label on me when I don't come out of my corner? That's the way I am! There are different kinds of people on this whole big Earth! And that was to you, Hock Boon. And I didn't say I totally lost hope for 2B...just read the post below.
Understand, appreciate, accept me the way I am. If you still want to carry on with the process of dehumanization, I'll insult you back: www.dictionary.com is only a click away, go and look up the meaning of the words "understand", "appreciate", "accept". That clear enough? Narrow-minded villain who seperates people into groups and gets into cliques? Get some education!
I exist, I feel, I think, what more do you expect? I'm a human. To those who really understand me, and to those who know and accept me for who I am, I salute you. I think that all my friends deserve salutes, but if you like dehumanizing people who don't fit a certain type of personality, I state explicitly that you don't. Perhaps you deserve a slap. Yichao may not mix with the class, but I respect him for the hardworking, honest, sincere person that he is. Hock Boon, you're irritating at times with your singing, but its impossible to imagine you being like me or Joel. Its you and authentically you. Joel, its impossible to think of you being like Hock Boon. Xizi, its impossible to imagine you without your honest chatter and jovial character. Yoke Pean, its impossible to imagine you as something else from the way you are. Su Hao, you may not mix with the class too, but your humble and easygoing personality deserves salute. Liang Xun, you may not mix with the class, but your rational opinions and character are well-respected. So? Do I have to elaborate further? I want to be part of a class, as they all are, and I mean a real class, like 4E, but I don't want to fake myself doing that. Class, can you accept me for who I am? Or are you not able to? I leave that question mark hanging in the air.
Sunday 31st August 2003
All righto...here goes...wanted to put this down for some time already, but alas I had no time, or was too tired to do so.
Friday 29th August rocked!! First off in the morning, all our teachers are so damn talented!!! Especially Vadi and Eric Lee, oh my gosh, both can be professional entertainers. And after that hell of a morning, the events after that were even better...
I am very very proud to say that nearly the whole of 4E, class of 2002, RI, turned up at RI to visit our former teachers. We laughed and joked and talked, and CYX kept getting diaoed...lol. We went to crash maths remedial lecture, Mrs. Tan was going through the 2002 prelim questions, which the 2003 classes did, and some of us went " 'cher, dun understand...cannot do, can dun skip...must go through", lol that was a good one...and someone's handphone went off halfway, lol. (Seniors, wah, no sense of rules ah). Really relived the sec 4 days man, when Mrs. Tan taught us maths and A maths. We also went to see our Physics teacher, the vvvvvvery ssssssuperb Mr. Mark Wee. Woah that guy deserves a VVIP entrance with all the lights on him man. Damn zai physics teacher...(damn corny of course). We also saw Amazing Grace (Ms. Grace), in her usual lively jibe, and the refined and refined and refined (hen3 wen2 ya3 jiu4 dui4 le4 la3...) Mr. Tan Puay Hock, who taught us chinese. And not to mention, brought a C6 prelims student to A1 for HCL 'O'. (not me lar)
But what I really am proud of, is that, even if we were seperated into different JCs, nearly all of us (though the bulk of us went RJ) went back to RI. That is the true spirit of a class, that which binds a class together. Just being together and most importantly, being 4E, showed the 4E spirit.
That's not to say 2B@RJ doesn't have spirit at all. It just needs to try a little harder, perhaps. 2B is really a class with diverse people, from the philosophical, respected Joel, to the corny, lame, (irritating la sometimes but cannot imagine what will happen to the class without his lame singing) Hock Boon, to the full of *shit* Kit Ling, to alamak whoever that may be la too diverse cannot list everybody, cannot recall so many offhand also. LoL...2B, we have the potential to become the most vibrant class in the whole of Engine. (humble beginnings first la ah, later den tok about whole level).
Ya lar. Basically that's it. Yup. Thanks, have a nice day.
Thursday 28th August 2003
Just a week after I said "perhaps I shall not populate this place with purely negative thoughts", I find myself having to express my utter disgust about the talk about a certain LETTER. Fortunately, a good friend from a neighbouring class informed me about it, otherwise I would still have been kept in the dark.
That certain LETTER contained nothing FUNNY, but I do not see the point in gossip. I do not understand the rationale nor whatever gratification that can be derived from talking about another person behind his/her back. Perhaps those smart alecs could enlighten me? But what enlightenment could come from a person that I would probably find utterly disgusting because he/she had a hand in "spreading news"?
I state clearly my stand here: Gossip is unecessary, is disgusting, and it makes the person who gossips equally disgusting. Face the light and throw it in my face if you want, that I challenge you. Otherwise, shut up behind my back. Or if I find out, you are dead.
To those who still don't see some rationale here behind my vigorous opposition to gossip, I have this to say:
Thus i shall re-find my psychic capability
And wear away people's wills without a fight
Through a stare
A stare...that is not quite the ordinary gaze
A stare...designed to rip through your heart
And cut up your will
I refer you back to the poem "Polymorphic" below. If you choose to bring out my dark side, you will have to bear the consequences. Don't ever, ever, try to provoke me. I will hit you back three times as hard.
Saturday 24th August 2003
Hey hey...today, banner painting for Air Rifle was simply fabulous. Ours wasn't such a huge banner, and although everyone walked away feeling tired, all of us knew that we had done a great job painting the first Air Rifle banner. Of course, the girls were naturally good at it, taking care of the colour scheme et cetera, but the guys, too, did a great job painting stuff here and there. Everyone worked together to put together a masterpiece, considering we were all amateurs at it. =P
Wednesday 20th August 2003
I think, perhaps I shall not populate this place with purely negative thoughts. Today snag golf was, well, okay, but, haha I couldn't whack the ball high enough...hmmz...must seek more help from the guy who's played the real thing...lol.
And, ODAC rockclimbing was ABSOLUTELY GREAT!! I managed to climb 3 lanes today, lanes 1, 2 and 3...lane 1 was all right, lane 2 (green route only) was, well, the killer guys difficulty climb route. A near total lack of handholds and footholds for the green route forced me to stick my toes and fingers into every shallow depression, nook and cranny of the contours of the rockwall.
It was a pure test of mental and finger strength. Mental strength, because you don't succeed immediately, and your determination is tested repeatedly when you can't make it up to the next contour and have to keep trying, as well as your willpower to continue when all your fingers feel like breaking. Finger strength, because you cannot really use your arm/leg power to climb up...you have to use finger strength...try pulling yourself up a beam but without palm contact, just use your fingertips, yup that's what I mean. And repeatedly, too. You have to keep doing that for lane 2 green route.
But its pretty exhilarating! And I didn't know where the zeal came from for the last part of the climb to reach the top, when all my fingers felt like giving way. I just don't know how the h*** I powered myself up the last part without using any jumps to get onto higher contours.
And one more thing about lane 2 green route, is that for the beginning part of the climb you have to sandwich yourself between two walls...using your legs and your back/bottom and then push yourself up slowly. Haha, I've never climbed any rockwall that way before, it was quite an eye-opener to climb that way. Well, that method was very effective, especially when there was a real lack of handholds and footholds. But the middle and end portions of the climb were not that easy, as described above.
After lane 2, my forearms felt like they couldn't move anymore (grrr must remember to do WARMUP next time before climbing lol), and even after a rest, lane 3, which is normally a breeze, felt, er, tough.
But, ROCKWALL ROCKS! GOOD JOB ODAC! (Though my forearms are still aching, lol)
Monday 18th August 2003
I had a sudden urge to write this:
=[{Polymorphic}]=
I fade into the shadows,
I vanish under your nose.
Stealth and camouflage,
Hallmarks of my discipline.
I attack from nowhere,
Sudden as lightning.
First in, first out,
You'll never know what hit.
I stroll into a gathering,
Treading gingerly.
But totally at ease,
I show my friendly side.
I love the association,
The rapport between friends.
A network of support,
Spirited and healing.
Light, or dark, you decide.
Two sides of the coin,
It is up to you,
Which side you shall choose.
Energy flows through me,
Energy that can show either.
On what you want to bring out in me,
My form depends.
I am polymorphic.
------------------------------------
Yup...there goes...that is me.
Sigh...perhaps, I am just...different. I'm sorry, no offence to all of you out there, but I'm not exactly your normal 16+ year old. What am I? I continue my quest for identity in a world fraught with influences.
But, ending on a sad note wasn't what I meant to do in the first place. Please, do go and visit my "Spirited Poems" section, and lift your spirits. Take it as an apology for damping your mood...if not, take it as a sincere invitation.
Cheerios, Ambrose out.
Thursday 14th August 2003
Well...it seems more people have noticed now, and some will take action to remedy the class problem...that is good.
Sometimes, I kind of feel that I'm quite false...in and out of class, in front of and not in front of teachers, there is a marked difference in language and behaviour. So much difference between formality and informality, that to some it might seem false, even hypocritical. Worse, perhaps people might even think I'm sucking up to teachers? ...sigh...what do I do?
At other times, I think, I kind of scare people. A low, booming voice and a grim expression...you can go figure for yourself.
Sunday 10th August 2003
In my last post I said that JC is the worst of all education years. Continuing on that subject, it seems that the basic unit of the school, the class, reaches its zenith during secondary school then declines. What do I mean?
The reality stares me in the face. Some others have noticed it, but few. Not many, not all. It seems to me that my class is fragmented. Split up. The class has become too cliquefied if I may say it that way, everyone goes into their own little groups, so much so that 2B exists only in name. Everyone goes to their own special groups, whether inside or outside of the class. Look in the canteen, most people from 2B go off on their own. 2B does not sit together. There is no spirit of 2B to talk about. The class is empty, void of the essence of a class.
This is really not like my secondary school: My former class was a dynamic, vibrant, supportive, family-like class. Everyone stood up for each other, and presented a united voice. The spirit of 4E was alive, and it breathed life into the class and us. There was kinship, what I mean is brotherhood. More than friend, more like kin.
Well, 2B presents nothing of the sort. 2B is more like a bunch of acquaintances, let alone friend, let alone kin. When I look upon 2B, it seems more like a bleak, foggy place, where I must place my footsteps carefully, hand on the hilt of a sword. Its every man for himself. A hostile environment. And I don't like it.
Lau Yan, Hock Boon, perhaps Joel, have noticed this weak aspect of 2B. Hock Boon, perhaps, will take some action to rectify it. As for me, I'm too tired and sick of it to bother. I'm thinking that 2B is too split up to even respond to any action. Yuan Xiang from 2A, too, shares my sentiments. His 8th August post at chewyx.blogspot.com suggests that this negative aspect pervades the whole college.
Looking back on 4E, I can proudly say "this is my class", but I can hardly say the same about 2B. In the past, even if I loathed school, I liked going to class because of the class, the brotherhood, the friends. Now I can't say the same. More like I loathe going to class, because there's nothing there to look forward to. That's the phrase: nothing to look forward to. And what do you expect from a school, then, if you don't even like the basic unit of a school?
Two days ago during 4E class outing, I met a former OG-mate. She's now in Hwa Chong, and when I asked, she said that HC's like a family, that everyone looks out for each other, at least if you're in the same class. Perhaps I should have went to HC. RJ, is a myth. A long-standing myth that should be destroyed.
Thursday 7th August 2003
S***. Utter s***. I'm frustrated. I'm discouraged. I'm disappointed. I'm trying to be nice. I'm trying to control my anger. I'm trying to search for an answer. I'm trying to see if it's my fault. I'm trying to see whether I can do things better.
But no. Today for PW, my group was supposed to be doing interviews. One member came very late, and that was bad enough. Things seemed to get better after our group leader arrived, but no. NO. After only 2 interviews, someone just had to give some attitude. Unenthusiastic. Uninterested. Didn't want to bother.
The guy who came late, he was just shy to start asking people. I understand that. I've been there before. But he was willing to go along with the group to do interviews, while the one who's usually rational and logical just had to show some attitude. Our group leader seemed to agree with him: 2 interviews and that's enough. Well I certainly don't:
2 interviews? Is that how you do a project? We could of course schedule another day, but considering how busy everyone is, we could certainly have done better today. I'm in charge of interviews, but no one listens. I didn't explicitly say that to the other members after getting permission to oversee interviews from the group leader; I thought that wouldn't have been very nice. Well yeah, yeah, they listen when I say where to go. But no one does when I say "let's do more interviews". CIP? Yeah of course, go for CIP. But there would still have been 2 people even if the other 2 left for CIP. And I expected better thinking from my group leader.
Well who's not tired? Who hasn't got problems? Huh? Tell me an answer? Obvious isn't it? No one. But when you're dealing with a group, you very well put the interests of the group before yourself. The one who's usually rational and logical didn't do that today, I think. Maybe I've overestimated him.
I'm just trying to make things a little better for PW. I do not want to end up with some stupid grade, and I'm sure no one does. So I'm trying to do this well. Trying to get things done. But if you don't want to, if you don't agree with me, if you don't understand, fine. I cannot control your mind, I cannot control you. I throw my hands up in the air and wash my hands of it. If you think you can do better, go ahead. Give me the instructions, and I'll do it. But if you don't want to, and I'm in charge of it, I expect that same level of duty from you.
Remember, GROUP ABOVE SELF, DUTY BEFORE SELF. That's how I try to do things. And I expect you to do the same: The interests of a group of people are more valuable than personal interests.
It seems to me that JC is really the worst of all education years. In secondary school there was still that rapport. That united stand. That united opinion. That single voice. Now, no. We can't even agree on PW.
Let me say this: I've done things alone for four years, even more perhaps. So if I have to do so again, getting things done by doing them alone, it won't matter. It's only a bit more right? After four years or more, huh? Or, perhaps, sometimes I wonder if coercion is the only way to get people to get things done.
In this matter of PW, I'm putting group interests first. So you're either with me, or you're against me.
Sunday 3rd August 2003
Am I thinking too much? Shall I be a simpleton and not think about life, with the possible bonus of not being so stressed up?
Help.
Friday 1st August 2003
I watched Drama Feste today...honestly, this is the first-ever Drama Feste I've attended in my student life. And I must say, that it was good. The four faculties did well in their own ways, and their efforts are commendable.
Engine rules! Although Engine did not get best overall play (and I think Med Fac really deserved that award, which they got), one of Engine's actresses managed to clinch best actress. Well done.
To everyone involved, a job well done. Especially with Engine's lightning four-day preparation, and one of its actors losing his voice.
PS: It was a little peculiar to see students with make-up (backstage). Some of them looked a little like ghosts.
Sunday 27th July 2003
I managed to finish a ten-inch pizza within half-an-hour. Must have been really hungry for dinner.
Saturday 26th July 2003
Today, Rafflesian Recall was a total disaster. Although some people in Air Rifle had fun playing floorball, on the whole attendance was very poor and the whole event lacked organization. Information was not disseminated properly, being very very late, and none of the Air Rifle Exco members were aware of what was actually supposed to go on; certainly it could have been better managed.
And yesterday...the big news...it did not have to happen. And it struck the school I'm in. Why did it happen? There must have been some reason behind it.
Birds continued to fly, clouds continued to drift, trees continued to sway in the wind. Such a thing, it seems, is insignificant in the overall scheme of things...that is what saddens me. And after knowing that similar incidents happened elsewhere too...what is happening to the world??? This world we live in!! Sorry...being an ISTJ I tend to rationalise and think about things...
What is this world?
Desert Shield
Kosovo
September 11
Bali Bombings
Abu Sayyaf
War in Iraq
And now this.
What is this world?
And there was a rather unexpected reaction from one of the members of my class. Being a small, unimposing, mild-mannered and kind female, she startled the whole class by sliding her file across the whole table and then throwing her bag on it, and sobbed after that. Perhaps as an ISFJ she's quite affected by it.
It seems to me, at least for now, that the Council and the school have changed. The 22nd were hit hard, and some of the 23rd were, too. For the first time the school lay silent. Schoolmates walked around listlessly, and I very nearly injured my knuckles punching the wall. I gave the railing a hard palm strike too...I'm not saying that there is a possibility, but if it was a person at the receiving end instead of that railing, he/she would have been severely injured.
These are dark days...the Council has changed. The school might have or may change. And we must face up to truth. But the problem is how.
Tuesday 22nd July 2003
Well...they say a friend is someone who lifts you up when you fall. Perhaps that is true, but as always, reality is tinged with frustration and sadness. The above is true with the proviso that you already have that friend.
As for me, well, reality is harsh. Trying to come out of a shell, failure, more than success, looks me in the eye. I am weak in that area, and with no one to turn to, I can only look within myself. I tell myself that it is all my fault, that it's not the fault of others, but frustration, now, gets the better of me.
Perhaps everyone has his or her damning shortcoming, a fault that perhaps cannot be rectified. For my case, that seems to be the inability to express myself and tell others how I feel. And being a hermit as a result. Even the heroes of literature all have some tragic fault that leads to their eventual downfall. And if you may argue that stories and plays are not true, if literature be not a reflection of life, then what?
I try to talk, but conversation seems not to be a skill I am endowed with. My voice seems only to be good for formal communication and public speaking, but otherwise, I am quite unable to just chat.
Most, I guess, view me as a cold, cold person. But, really, most don't understand me. Nevermind, I am quite unable to change that, simply because I cannot TALK! Part of that could be because, if the person I'd really like to talk to is in the middle of some activity, I do not interrupt just to try to stammer and cough up a few words. That's rather impolite. AND if that person is with friends, then I don't quite dare to approach that person. I am able to communicate better one-on-one, but put a group in front of me and I'll fall silent. So, perhaps, maybe the only people I can possibly talk to, are people like me - loners. Sad, but sad things happen. And sometimes you just cannot change them.
Who, may I ask, will actually try to take the time to just understand me? None, I guess. I'm just an inconspicuous bloke sitting in the corner whom nobody wants to talk to. And I can not help but resign to my fate. Perhaps I am destined to be someone who can only walk the world himself, who can only sing to himself, who will never be understood by others, and who will never find a true companion.
And what do I have to do just to get a little peace? Nowhere, it seems, can I get some quiet to myself and do what I need to recharge my batteries. And I can turn to no one either. Weeks and months of frustration have worn me down, and I am very tired. Not giving up seems to be the watchword of the Scorpio, but in this case, despair looms. "Anger is more useful than despair," but if I do get angry, I become armed and dangerous; for I have seen that side of myself, and I try to avoid it.
Perhaps this is enough for today. If anyone was reading this, (I doubt that anyone was reading this at all), my apologies for passing on sadness to you. I know it's not very nice to do that, and I'm sorry. But, sometimes I just need to throw things out.