Punching Bag Archive 2006
These are the archived entries for 2006.
Saturday 23rd December 2006
Dinner with Chew and HJ, two Chinese guys who were absolutely famished and who haven't had decent Chinese chow for God knows how long, which made for a very interesting meal at a Chinese restaurant in VivoCity. [Use imagination]...two famished chinese guys who haven't had good chinese food in a long time pigging out @ a chinese restaurant...hahaha...
Friday 22nd December 2006
Touchdown Changi. Back from 5 days of Japan. Saw a lot of things, bought some stuff, saw a lot of people, and froze the hell off. The place is COLD man, COLD haha especially up in the mountains. And I just have to say this...Japan is a freaking CLEAN place. Freaking squeaking clean.
Destinations: Hot springs [dunno where], Lake Kawaguchi [i think], Fuji, Tokyo City [managed to pick up a jacket/long-sleeved shirt here], Tokyo Disneyland [picked up a pocketwatch here]
Ate: Chinese food, Japanese food [ooo - no no, really, the food is great there], Japanese snacks [aah], lots of cold air and turbulence
Japanese staff are so damn polite...the service there is tons of times better than in Singapore, and everytime (the female staff) they say something in their typical melodious service voice, it's like listening to a little tune, cos I don't understand anything, haha. I tried to buy a phone [jap phones are damn cool - we only get a fraction of them here] at some NTT Docomo stand, and failed miserably - no one understands english! Hahaha. You speak English? *smile, shake head*
Skiew, I think I know why you like Jap girls liao. They are really kawaii.. but also very white, haha. Japan is so fashion.. Singapore so dull. How to tell a Jap girl apart: clothing, foot gear (especially), accessories (OMG you should have seen Tokyo Disneyland), makeup, the way she walks/runs. And the whiteness. Hahahaha. Some of them are so fair they are nearly white. LoL. How to tell a Jap guy apart: clothing, hair (especially), accessories (some). How to tell a Jap salaryman apart: BUSINESS SUIT (only). LoL.
Tuesday 12th December 2006
Oh gosh. Good-holy-fucking-game, Verizon.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gp0HyxQv97Q
$0.02 NOT EQUAL TO 0.02c
And for those who responded who think it's a grammar, not maths, problem, I think they must have failed elementary school. "Cents is used to express monetary values less than a dollar", but $0.25 is said TWENTY-FIVE CENTS, NOT POINT-TWO-FIVE-CENTS. The value TWENTY-FIVE is 100 times larger than POINT-TWO-FIVE.
I really, really, want to scream fucking idiots.
Holy fucking shit. FUCKING IDIOTS. FUCK YOU. Debase maths again by claiming that 2 = 0.02, and I swear I'll have your head on a silver platter. I'm gonna chop it off, arrange it neatly on the silver platter, then run it over with a car. Fuck you. The maths is never wrong. It's the human, fuckass. I feel so insulted.
I need to rant some more. Now here's the Singlish version:
Eh, you gong CB or what? $0.02 not equal to 0.02c! TMD you trying to cheat my money is it?
And then those of you who say it is grammar, not maths, problem, you go and fuck spider lah. PSLE never pass right? "Cents is used to express monetary values less than a dollar", but $0.25 is said as 25 cents, not 0.25 cents. Fucking hell, 25 fucking 100 times bigger than 0.25, you know! Fucking bodoh know, you!
You go and get knock down by car, better.
Holy fuck. CCB. One more time you say 2 = 0.02, I'm gonna fuck you upside down so hard until you cry father cry mother and wish you'd never been born. Feel damn insulted, man, even reading about people like you. Why? Your brain blacang is it? Or you got no brain? Ninabei.
Zomg. I can be so vulgar when things diss me.
Monday 11th December 2006
Oh. I must be out of my mind. This is so close to the last update. The girl from a month ago looks even cuter with a ponytail.
Tippity-tap-tap-tap. O_o
Sunday 10th December 2006
Watched Happy Feet. Not bad. The penguins are quite cute. Tippity-tap.
It's emo.
Tuesday 5th December 2006
*grabs your wrist* "I'm not dead yet."
Monday 13th November 2006
How long has it been since my last update? Hmm. Nearly 3 weeks. No I'm not dead yet.
But I met a cute girl today. Ordered take-out from my local Yoshinoya outlet, and it's nice to have a cute girl smile back at you. From start to end we were more or less smiling at each other (when looking). It's part of her job, but then, maybe it could also have been my impeccable English (which had an accent to it O_O HAHAHA). She was bright-eyed and cheery, kind of lifted my spirits. I didn't get her name though; didn't look at her name tag. But she forgot to give me some change and looked abit "huh?" when I reminded her. Dang! Why couldn't it have been smooth. But cheery is good. And cute. Good enough. About the accented English, too, I wasn't expecting it, but the moment I spoke three girls ordering food at the counter next to mine immediately turned and stared for a good 2 or 3 secs then went back to business. I thought I heard giggling. Hahahaha purrfect English does wonders.
The past 2 days I was sick with, I think, food poisoning or something like that, diarrhoea, feverish. Recovering well now. "Basically you are already in the recovery phase" - relief. Yea saw the doctor quite late. The lady doctor was quite chio O_o
Death Note was good. Very good. Verily.
Friday 27th October 2006
I SAW A LAMBORGHINI GALLARDO...A WHITE GALLARDO...with an SG plate...it drove down Portsdown Road and then onto the AYE.. OMG!!!~ the sound of the engine...thoroughbred....omg omg omg.
Monday 23rd October 2006
I passed driving with 10 points.
What makes an action good? Because it improves a certain attribute of something, like a person's well-being for example. So that is a change T in the time dimension. If I keep asking, why is that good? I would end up eventually with a finite set of attributes measurable in the 4 dimensions of space-time. Say it changes values X, Y, Z, T. But why is the change in said values "good"?
There is nothing in the 4 dimensions that tells us. That means that the fundamental nature of good and evil has to transcend the 4 dimensions. Fundamentally, we take it by faith that something that is good is good, that something that is bad is bad. How do we know so? Is there another dimension that takes the changes in the 4, and places a value on their goodness or badness, just like we can take a change in X, Y, Z, T and place a value on them in their respective dimensions?
Assuming that there is such a higher dimension, then the question becomes how that dimension interacts with the 4 that we know to give us ideas of good and evil - after all we are only physical and temporal (and maybe spiritual) beings. By what mechanism is this higher dimension accessed to measure goodness and badness, to tell us that something is "good" or "bad" per se, and relate it back to our physical and temporal being? (ie. let's say changes {X1, Y1, Z1, T1} in the 4 is "good", with that having a value G1 in that dimension. We know that there are relative levels ie. better, worse off, such that another set of changes {X2, Y2, Z2, T2}is still, perhaps, "good", but "less good", with value G2) If there can be such relations, then the 4 and the higher are intertwined with each other through such a mapping (a la mathematical mapping of a set of values to another set). Such a mapping would also seem a many-to-one relation a la differents sets of X, Y, Z, T changes can have the same goodness or badness.
Now another question is raised - is this mapping, then, a universal mapping a la every being uses the same mapping, or does it differ? It if differs, then it becomes more complex - many-to-many relation. Now then, what imposes these differing mapping mechanisms? What influences these mechanisms? Is there a way to reduce these many-to-many relations to at least many-to-one relations with the introduction of another value in another dimension? Is there another value say M that also determines G? (ie. excluing this M, [ f(X1, Y1, Z1, T1) -> G1. f(X2, Y2, Z2, T2) -> G1. - different sets of X, Y, Z, T can have same goodness or badness.] and [ g(X1, Y1, Z1, T1) -> G2. - different mappings.] Including M, z(X, Y, Z, T, M) has one value of G for each combination of X, Y, Z, T and M - but this does not mean that the values are unique ie. each G has only one combination it is related to - many-to-one relation.)
It seems then that if a higher dimension is assumed, it spawns many more questions:
1. The mechanism by which we can access it?
2. Relation and intertwining of this dimension with the 4?
3. Different mappings (relations) (many-to-many) between them?
4. Yet another dimension? Allowing reduction of many-to-many relations to many-to-one?
If no higher dimension is assumed, then how do we know good is good and bad is bad, and levels of good and bad? Better? Worse? Since nothing in the 4 dimensions can tell us? Since we can put a value on better and worse, then something must have made us able to do so. This implies that there must be something that transcends what we normally understand as a human being in the 4 dimensions -> still, that is a higher dimension!
Ouch my head hurts now.
Wednesday 18th October 2006
Work SUCKS! I am in a position where I have to worry about this and that keeping a workshop in timely electronic (and physical) order and all that jazz, even when I'm not in camp, and I'm only a FUCKING NSF 3RD SERGEANT. Really, the kind of things that I'm worrying about, should really be the job of regulars. What's worse is that when I raise something up nobody seems to want to do anything about it or admit any mistakes. So why the hell I worry so much? In the end, the only person who's getting stressed is me. I should just forget about everything when I'm not in camp. It's not my goddamned rice bowl and I'm worrying about it out of camp. What the fuck.
I want my life back. Now. If in future I have any children..I'd prefer a daughter. She doesn't have to go through the mortal threat that is NS.
Sunday 8th October 2006
I had a wonderful dream last night. At least, for that part of the dream. I think it didn't end very well though, and by that time I was already half-awake so I couldn't do anything about it. (Do you know that sometimes you can control events in dreams?)
I dreamt that someone and I were really close. As in really. It was so sweet. [rant]Why does that never happen to me in real life.[end rant] Bit by bit, so shy.. hands..clasp.
But in the end, separation. That sweet feeling had all but faded.. And I was half-awake and losing the dream.
My dreams are all like that. When events in a dream take a turn for the worse I semi-consciously try to wrest control and remedy them. Then I become half-awake and I stop dreaming.. losing all chances. The dream ends there, abruptly.
30th September 2006
So it's that time of year again to send people off again. And off they go. I'm still here. My sorry little sian-ded self. Had a fun time with them before they went off though. And next year I'll be repeating the same sequence again...with me remaining. Behind.
Thursday 21st September 2006
Today I'll talk about how pitiful humans can get. Humans are so technologically advanced, yet they haven't seemed to have evolved as proportionately in terms of ethics and values. Step into any networked function - a LAN/internet game, for exmaple - and surprisingly you will discover it is one of the best sources of discovering the scum of society.
Perhaps people tend to forget that behind the screen is also another human being like themselves; the facelessness of the internet makes people careless with what they say, and it paints a pitiful picture of the value systems of some people. Talk about people hiding behind anonymity but revealing their true selves - how ironic.
Flamers, backstabbers, hate-mail, insults, you name it, the internet is full of it. Wrongful, ill-informed assumptions and conclusions, like "anyone from x country is a terrorist" abound. Irrational statements are bound to aggravate and receive flames in return. The impression given is that these people are basically so shallow and superficial they don't know right from wrong, black from white. And these people are young people - the children of the earth. Or, more likely, the scourge of the earth. They do not know how to think in a fair, balanced manner and can't stand up for their own points-of-view, preferring to avoid the real issue at hand for whatever it is they are arguing about - admittedly, because they're biased and based on a shallow value system in the first place. What is worse is that they simply refuse to rise above it all, and instead choose to lambast and hate those who do, nastily labelling those who intervene in a fair manner to try to balance things up - "self-righteous, nosey, arrogant", and what have you.
Something, somewhere, must have gone horribly wrong in constructing the awful value systems that these people have. Upbringing, environment, media, you name it. Mostly, perhaps, it is the parents' and educators' faults. They are the ones who are supposed to bear the responsibility of shaping young minds, but at some point in time, they have failed. Being an educator is a heavy responsibility - I've always been saying that, and those in the teaching profession, and more importantly, would-be educators, should take stock and see if they really measure up to that responsibility. As a parent, the responsilibity is even greater.
At the risk of going down a slippery slope, if this keeps up it will only lead to a downward spiral - the shallow educating the shallow. Though, that there are shining gems amidst the sludge. These young people are the hope of tomorrow, and they should do much to improve the state that humanity is in. They need great amounts of support though, as it is not easy countering the negativity that is so rampant in society - we claim to be civilised, but we are really not, and no thanks to ourselves.
Tuesday 12th September 2006
Things never go well for me these days eh. Spending the past 2 weekends being alone. Always. And then banging my head twice today while working. Front and back. Small cut, front. If you're taking your anger out on me, whoever you are, the energy could be better spent easing the lives of millions elsewhere. Or maybe you have unlimited energy, because you're supposed to be omnipotent. Yea?
Religion, religion, religion...good, maybe. But it's also just another method to oppress people.
Saturday 9th September 2006
Dependable. Forgettable. Expendable.
I'm just alone. Always alone. I walk alone, [insert verb] alone. Black, so black. Life is sick. I'm a sick joke. Just a sick joke. People. Make me sick. Except a few, they just make me sick. I'm so used, and so alone. Friends? Where?
Example? I'm just there so I can answer people's questions, or gather up all the trash, pick up all their pieces. Their own bloody sick mess. Humanity is probably just another word for sick. Look into my eyes..what do you see..black. My soul is black. If you're just gonna ask me to solve your [anything] and then forget about me, then leave me the fuck alone in the first place. Because I DON'T CARE, AND WHY SHOULD I. Yea, ask me, ask me, ask me, everything under the sun, except anything about me. I'm always the one asking everything about other people. To people I'm just functional, nothing else. Humanity is just another word for sick.
Everytime I just want another human for a friend, I just end up being a sick joke to myself. Nobody ever says hi to me, unless they're gonna ask me some question they need to solve. Maybe that's why I'm always asking people to go out, while I don't get asked for company. Am I right? Except a few. CHEWYX, thank you. LY, sometimes. Otherwise, people just don't bother about me, no? I'm just not worth the effort to see as a friend, lah, right? I'm just not worth the effort to know as a person, too, and I'm just not worthy company for everybody else.
Pain. Hate. Anger. Angst. Fury. Rage. I don't care liao, lah. I just want to scream. And I don't care.
Monday 4th September 2006
What if... people defined you by not who you are, but by what you can do; if that is taken away, would you still carry on?
What if... people loved you for what you could do, not who you are
What if... it was all taken away, will they still love you?
What if... they won't, would you still carry on?
Thursday 31st August 2006
One of my friends is getting flamed on her own tagboard and it is very frustrating.. It is likely that nobody will find out who the flamers are, but if it so happens that somebody finds out.. I cannot guarantee hell will not be let loose. And I will not keep hell from getting loose.
And if anything like that happens here, if it so happens that anyone finds out, I can guarantee I will let all of hell loose. I am someone in real life and online I am the same person. People know that I am very fierce. I don't hide behind nicknames, not like some others. You have me and only me to face. If you (flamers, punks, etc.) cannot do that then don't even start.
I don't take shit from people, and neither do my friends. If people want to do that they should be prepared to eat it. What goes around comes around, and it will happen to you. Because you blow your cover eventually, or you just get something that comes your way. You'd better be prepared to have your ass handed to you on a platter.
Sunday 27th August 2006
21 km lor.
Sunday 20th August 2006
God doesn't give you more than you can handle. Sure? Look at all the people out on the streets. The destitute. The mentally ill. Those on life support. Even the average worker, stressed-out. I can't be sure I believe in that fancy notion.
Someday, when I'm done with my crying inside, maybe I will live. Right now I am just a somebody with a name, a brain and a body. Maybe better off dead than alive, when life is just a daily battle, a god-damn daily battle with myself just to keep myself together and not break down into little pieces. I've thought of death before. Many times. Maybe if I'm dead people will pick up the little pieces.
Cracks cracks. Broken broken broken. Fuck you, Ambrose. You're just a broken soul trapped in agony never to escape. Fuck you, because that's your life. Fuck you, because you don't know how to live, fuck you, because you have no social network, fuck you, because you can't seem to be happy even when you want to, fuck you, because you have to fight with yourself just to keep yourself from falling apart. Fuck you, Ambrose. Fuck you.
Friday 11th August 2006
Another 14km today. Felt easier than the last time. Not bad, considering only 2 hours of sleep last night. Declined to run 18km, wanted to run 10, but did 14. Good enough for me.
Sunday 6th August 2006
You like demons? Well. They like you.
Monday 31st July 2006
I find myself shaking to music. I mean literally shaking. I took myself by surprise today while at work. Some catchy song was playing and there I was shaking to the rhythm - right behind my colleagues. Their backs were to me so they couldn't see but still I was inches away. I was like, wtf? to myself. Shake on.
Oh. Someone said to me today that he thought I speak with a funny accent. He even asked if I'm Eurasian or mixed blood. LoL. He thought it was something like Greek accent. Wow...how cool is that? Greeeeeeek accent. Greek. Hahaha...the power of sound! And I can change accents at will, you know...
So now I guess I can walk like an Egyptian AND talk like a Greek. leetz0rz.
Sunday 30th July 2006
Chain letters/SMSes with warnings of supposed doom and gloom if you don't pass them on to a minimum number of individuals within a certain time limit. I always smile at the message within, but end up disgusted at the instructions to "pass it on or else". While the intention of most such letters are good - wishing friends well, mostly - the presentation of such intentions come across as childish, leveraging on the unknown to further the originator's interest in lengthening the chain.
Tuesday 25th July 2006
Bugger SAF f*** you cH**b*e m**h*rf**ker... whatever.
Ran into this stupid, idiotic, damn hell of a rude twat of an SAF serviceman today, who thought I jumped queue when I didn't and who shot me in front of everybody by asking loudly, "EH YOU JUST NOW CUT QUEUE AH".
*donating blood* *my turn - idling on chair in one left-hand bay*
*nurse says right hand better* *leave left-hand bay for a right-hand bay*
"EH YOU JUST NOW CUT QUEUE AH"
!^&@%#&^@#!@
I answered "transfer from there to here", damn nearly added "why, got problem?" but resisted. Of course, he got back more than a fair share of angry glares from me.
Just goes to show that SOME people are the ones who are going in exactly the opposite direction of the SAF's emphasis on image. Not like I care much about the SAF, but SOME people just don't have basic respect and courtesy, no?
SOME people.
ONE twat of an saf serviceman from 2gsmc.
BURN.
Monday 17th July 2006
why am i here i don't belong here
i am crying i do not shed tears
lost soul wandering without aim
why is it so cold so cold
it is not a physical cold
it is cold almost like fear
is it just because i am tired
or is it something else is it something else
shiver it hurts
fire changes things ice freezes change
light i cannot put anything on light
light unlocks the secrets of the dark
blinds those who cannot stand up to it
On another note, Ann, forgive a weary soul with a withering memory, but may I politely ask you to kindly describe yourself to hasten the process of... recalling precisely.. are you a Joe-ann or just an Ann, how, when, where and for how long am I supposed to have known you? Ho Joe-Ann? Joanne Li? Ng?
Saturday 15th July 2006
Three consecutive "longest distances run in my life"...5+ km, 8+ km, then 14km. It was all down to mental power for the 14 click. Towards the last 4 or so, my legs were about to break, crying out neurally, begging to stop; breathing was okay though. It was just the fatigued legs - more pain than fatigue, perhaps - but it was bad enough...what kept them going was only the will to continue until I saw the end. And so I pushed myself and did not stop until the end, against the pain.
Mental power.
Thursday 13th July 2006
I received another one of the British Council's invitations for a pre-departure programme again today. Everytime I get one I am saddened... reminded that I won't be able to go to the UK to study... regrettable.
Monday 10th July 2006
A friend of mine ORDs tomorrow. Ah. When will I get out of this. Sometimes...you're just driven to the brink of insanity, no?
Thursday 6th July 2006
A recent incident involving the Today newspaper has upset me. Full details at http://commentarysingapore.blogspot.com/2006/07/rsfs-opinion.html.
I strongly believe that: an electorate should never fear a democratically-elected government, instead the government should fear the electorate. Remember that all of us, and Mr. Brown, too, are part of the electorate.
Reading through the linked article, "undermine the government's standing with the electorate"? Whose fault is that? If criticism has been made of government policies, then those policies are not in at least one citizen's interest; it is then the RESPONSIBILITY of the government to remedy those policies.
Remember that the FIRST PRIORITY of a democratically-elected government should be the well-being of its people. If it has not evaluated those policies in light of criticism and provided a satisfactory response, but instead condemned outright the criticism, then it has already failed its first priority.
This incident is extremely disappointing and has only further misplaced my already waning trust in the PAP.
Monday 3rd July 2006
It is amazing...how so much emotion can be captured in songs about the ills of this world.
I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that's not the shape of my heart
Sugababes - Shape of My Heart
Sunday 2nd July 2006
First modification to any car I'll own: more powerful brakes. For all those other drivers who've forgotten everything about road safety after passing their tests. Bloody ß¡@+©h3$
Friday 30th June 2006
CD recruits. 3 words: cannot make it. Turnout and conduct are both horrible.
Tuesday 27th June 2006
Playing game, playing game. I want to buy a car. Car is expensive.
Sunday 25th June 2006
Hate. Aggression. Singapore. World. I couldn't care less now.
Saturday 24th June 2006
http://www.lifesucks.info/index.htm
Go on and read it.
Thursday 22nd June 2006
Black. That's the colour. That's it. I hate this world. I just wish everything would end. I'm sick of hearing and feeling all the shit that happens. From top to bottom. I'm sick of having to deal with it. Why can't this world just be beautiful like how God created it.
Fuck you all. Fuck you. I hate you. I hate myself too. I'm just full of hate. Black, black hate. I hate.
Friday 16th June 2006
Singaporeans. Are they even half decent. They just care about getting on and off fast. Who gives a shit about others on the public transport system? I am thin. But feel the wrath of my shoulders if ur a shit who doesn't know courtesy after years of campaigns. Whether be it getting past you to get to the back of the bus or the middle of the carriage or getting past the crowd rushing into trains before people have alighted. It helps when I have strong legs so the energy for that comes from a good and stable power base. Or the glare of my eyes. Anyone who's been glared at by me will know it's scary.
Humanity being a bitch has to do with upbringing, no? Yes, I'm talking about your mother and father and your own moral conscience.
If you don't want to hear this then don't give me something to pick on. Show me you deserve it and prove me wrong, assholes. That's your bloody fucking challenge. Which I don't really think you can pass given your inability to comprehend even simple phrases like "move to the back/middle".
Saturday 10th June 2006
This week I am just damn tired.
Everywhere I go just seems to affirm that humanity is a bitch. Yes, I have a low opinion of people. Don't ask me why. They shouldn't care why I think so. After all, these people don't care about so many things.
Sunday 4th June 2006
Clear the mist from my hidden eyes, only to find black holes...hollows
Filled only by fire, voids that cannot be filled by anything material.
Black, red and orange, hollow and fire.
Look in me. You see a black hollow filled by the fire of hate and anger, rage, fury
Look beyond, just, nothing.
why do i have to go through all this. stop. manipulating. everybody else. face me. if you have the courage. you put the fire there. now face it. face you own fiery grave. i will turn on you. you will not use me. you, you who cannot be named. get out. GET OUT.
"i'll deport your sorry ass back to hell"
Friday 2nd June 2006
The fire...the fire...in my eyes...that burns and ravages...
Tuesday 30th May 2005
1 x Martini, pure. Strong. Quite good.
I didn't get MOE. Goodbye UK. Kudos to one of the MOE Staff for sending an e-mail about my application after working hours when I called to check on the lack of correspondence since April.
Saturday 27th May 2005
The room is small
The neighbours are around
They are quiet
We are quiet
The screen glares
I stare back
We say nothing
Words appear
Music plays
The language is foreign
Meaning is established
Rhythm and melody
Loud and soft
Emotive
Electric signals
They're connectivity
Blood and flesh
I don't feel connected
Is this a poem
Cryptic and random
Meaningless
Expressive
Welcome to my world
You're free to dream
But only dream
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I'm pissed. I made a miscalculation and what a miscalculation it was. I kept today free. And it turned out to be really free. Next time I'll just fill everything up. Then I don't have to ask anyone to go out.
Thursday 25th May 2006
I love music. It's more or less the only thing that's like me, that's my expression, that's an expression of me...of me. But I can't sing out loud. I'm bottled.
Wednesday 24th May 2006
It's been busy.
I'm so lonely.
Thursday 18th May 2006
I've long come to the conclusion that Army is just not worth my time and effort. It is an organisation that I will never guide, even if it came begging me. It never will, anyway, because the people that make it up think they're the best. Their pride will be their downfall, and the perpetual handicap of the SAF.
Everytime things are moving as usual, there will always be someone, a group of people, or something that will disrupt the flow with his/their own creation that's supposedly for the better, but it never works well on the ground. For the simple reason that the creators of such plans don't have ground experience. They may have a Degree in X from Y University, but that doesn't make them good at planning vehicle movements, carpark plans, repair schedules, because Y University doesn't, in all of goddamned hell, teach those in X Degree. They need ground experience, or at least consult the people on the ground. But they never do. They're too proud.
When everything goes wrong or doesn't go their way, when something crops up, what do they do? Apportion blame. Apportion more blame. Not solve problems. When something has already happened, it cannot be reversed. The best thing to do is do what you can to make the situation better. But what do these people do? Apportion blame, and wash their hands of everything. Refuse to help. God damn you. Get out of my sight or risk being bowled over on the street. My bottom line to these people has always been and will never change: shape up or ship out.
No matter how much effort you put in, how well you do things, there will always be such people who will stop you, impose their own will and screw everything up, even when you, the one with the ground experience, know that it will not be feasible. "I don't care how you do it, just get X done." Go wank off or something, I think that'll give you more endorphins than seeing your great plan materialise, which usually comes in the form of a big wreck. Your big wreck.
And what can us ground people do? Nothing. Because the big people are bigger than us. We're small people. The big people never listen, never learn, never bother to communicate with us. They're just interested in concepts, in ideas, in plans, not reality. They are not worth my time and effort to tell them/teach them. You can't teach an old dog new tricks. If I see one on the street, I'd just give him the diplomatic equivalent of a hard slap. Kua le boon mai kua. It's Hokkien for "look also dun wan to look".
And I also hate people who don't know what's happening and then want to make all sorts of recommendations. What are you saying, that I don't know my job? I may only be a corporal, but don't cross the line. I won't even bother to explain anything to you, just give you the black face until I decide to bother with you. Not worth my time. If I so decide to kick you back across the line, the usual result is that you'll shut up and have nothing to say. So I still know I'm correct and you're wrong. So why tell you anything in the first place?
You're just not worth my time. Get it? The SAF has proved that time and again to me. And the government has thoroughly misplaced my trust and faith in it because it runs such an organisation that will never learn...that REFUSES to learn, and also due to other things. Eg. election stuff. The only people that I believe in are the young. They can be moulded and taught. The adults? You can't teach an old dog new tricks. Time and again they've demonstrated that amply to me.
If you don't want to learn...just...die quietly, will you.
Speaking of dying, I nearly died today. I have, again, escaped the jaws of death. Simply put, I was dismantling something very bulky and heavy, and when I knocked out the last retaining pin with a tool (must be some lousy Singaporean design, the retaining pins that hold the structure in place are very hard to take out), it swung down and I ended up extricating the lower half of my body and my hands from underneath its structure. I was alone in a storage location. Nobody would have known if fate's hand decided that I would be seriously hurt. There was a chance I might not be here complaning about the SAF and adults. There was a chance I might be lying in a hospital bed, suffering from a concussion and in a coma. I'm very lucky. Verily. My left shoulder feels weird though - it painfully snaps in position at certain angles and generally feels loose and weak, and I have bruises here and there. When it fell I managed to catch the structure in the hook of my right elbow and my left arm but being heavy it continued to go down till I was in a sorta kneeling position with my thighs and hands pinned between it and my thighs. Bit by bit I got part by part out until only my right thigh was supporting it, then I stood up abit on my left foot, lifted the damn thing a bit and jerked my thigh from beneath it, after which, let go, crash. Then I breathed a bit.
The life of a mechanic. Thank the heavens.
Saturday 13th May 2006
I need a melody.
So Much For Life
Verse 1:
She's always happy
Walks down the mall
Wind in her hair
Smile on her face
He's never felt joy
Walks down the mall
Hands in his pockets
Feels like a jerk
Chorus:
Only going through the motions
Life sucks at its best
Living just for life's sake
So much for this life
Verse 2:
She's infectious
Always popular
With everyone
Never alone
He's depressing
No social life
Always retreatin
In some corner
Chorus:
Only going through the motions
Life sucks at its best
Living just for life's sake
So much for this life
Bridge:
Grades never bothered her
Or perfect English
He's always got straight As
Speaks like the Classics
But she's always happy
And he's always not
Chorus:
Only going through the motions
Life sucks at its best
Living just for life's sake
So much for this life
Outtro:
She's always happy
He's not
He's not
COPYRIGHT. Read that? COPY-F***ING-RIGHT.
Ok whatever. Now you know why I think Avril Lavigne's cool. She sounds whiney, sounds like a spoilt girl, but so? Can you put me in jail for being whiney?
Thursday 11th May 2006
Been only 5 days since I last wrote...feels like an eternity though. Haven't got much to write though. Oh. I have this freaking freaking suay 24hr duty from 8 am tomorrow to 8 am on Sat. ALONE in the whole Brigade.
Saturday 6th May 2006
Finally it's ended. No more mudslinging rites please, you kids. On a seperate topic, well I'm finally getting it. I stalled a few times today, really a few times...more than last lesson, and even twice in the same spot, BUT my half-clutch is getting there...I can feel it...I'm no longer watching the RPM...just slamming the accel halfway then release to near half-clutch position then half-clutch slowly...I'm getting there!
Thursday 4th May 2006
Goodgame. Singapore politics is not mature enough. Can we just proceed to the endgame without going through all the "you suck", "no you suck more" rites?
Tuesday 2nd May 2006
Everyday I'm increasingly depressed at the start of the day. I wake up and go to camp, and I don't feel like doing anything at all. I'm even beginning to consciously notice a drop in my desire for food. I crave to escape more and more, away from everything, to just lock up and sleep everything away. Am I beginning to become suicidal? Existence hurts more and more each day when I wake up, still shaken by the ripples and echoes of past trauma. I wonder how long more I can hold out before one day I just break down at work and admit that I can't go on anymore.
As the day went on I got into some working rhythm. Call it lucky, or I would have slipped deeper. Alongside some minor work details, I became tied up with repairing a photocopier, which I eventually did, then later in the day a shredder. I feel like a handyman.
I know, though, that it is only temporary relief. At the end of the day I recall everything that happened, and I slip in again. I look towards music, to give me that escape from life, which is so empty. I wonder how long it will be before my friends get sick and tired of me. I'm ranting to them over MSN everyday. Eventually, I won't even be able to face myself going on complaining to them, because I'll just push them over the limit if I keep doing that to them. Already, I'm starting to avoid "how are you" questions by saying "don't worry about me". I did that to my ex-classmate yesterday. I'm scared to lose more (my friends). And scared of being hurt more. It has to end somewhere. It has to end but I'm scared. Because it can end two ways. Either it's over, or I'm over. I'm afraid that it might be the latter.
Monday 1st May 2006
Me + car = still jialat. Biting point is horrible. Stalled twice for real on the road today because of biting point. Sigh.
Thursday 27th April 2006
Me + car = JIALAT
Wednesday 26th April 2006
Made arrangements today for driving. Will be starting lessons soon.
Tuesday 25th April 2006
Basketball morning, badminton afternoon. Good exercise. I'm tired.
Monday 24th April 2006
I need some time to straighten out my thoughts. Feels as though I'm always depressed/at a low, with some peak points that slip into lows all too soon when something nudges it that way. Perhaps I may be suffering from depression or manic depression. I think maybe I should see a psychiatrist.
The author writes
His last line
He lets go
The pen
Falls to the ground
I'm not going to kill myself...it's just a random image conjured in my mind as I twirled my pen this morning.
Whenever I have nothing to do, I'm always thinking and consequently at a low. Or just low. Then when I'm at a low, I don't feel like doing anything at all. For the first time in my army life...I wanted to go and sleep during working hours...I just couldn't be bothered.
------------------------------
I score 40+ on the Goldberg scale for depression. Dr. Ivan K. Goldberg has worked in New York as a psychiatrist for many years. By his scale, I show symptoms of moderate to severe depression. I don't know. It is not a definitive test but it is definitely somewhere to begin...Help? The test can be found at http://msntestyourself.netdoctor.co.uk/interactivetests/goldberg.php
Sunday 23rd April 2006
3.00pm
Yesterday a friendship officially ended - which was that something last night. Today, it felt the same again. Although it might not have been so, I couldn't help but feel, subconsciously, that the "bye" I said at the end was symbolic, that I shut the door. But it's not your fault. It never was and it will never be. I don't know why I find it so hard to open up and accept people into my world. Maybe it's because I'm too cautious, maybe it's because I'm afraid they might not be able to understand me, maybe it's because I'm afraid I'm going to have to end something so I'm unwilling to go far, maybe it's because I have to take uncalculated risks, which is something I'd rather not do. Maybe, I just suck. It's always said God has a plan for all of us...I hope it's true.
My life is full of goodbyes. Namarie, mellon nin, I guess...namarie...
Where does my sadness go...what form does it take...tears don't flow...they never existed...my heart wrenches...my eyes are dry...where does my sadness go...
-------------------------
7.00pm
I think I have some problems with myself. To my new group of friends...who are always happy...maybe, for the moment, I shouldn't go out with you guys...both for your sake and mine. I don't want to go in deeper only to pull out later. We're exact opposites...I'm afraid that if I cannot control my negative emotions I will end up affecting you all. I'm sorry enough for myself, I don't want to bring you guys down with me by letting my sorrow spread itself. Being around you I am more aware of our differences...I can't fit in...it's pointless for me to try, and my negativity will only ruin. I'm sorry...I'm really sorry...Skiew, I've let you down. I've failed myself too...I thought I was very stoic about some things, but last night, I overestimated myself.
Saturday 22nd April 2006
Today night was a disaster. A gathering ended horribly..and what's worse is before going I had a feeling I should have gone for dinner with my parents rather than my friends. It felt like an inexplicable extra-sensory resistance to the latter, which I consciously overrided. I never should have gone with my friends...on my way something happened and threw my whole mood off-track. Something sad. I subsequently affected a lot of things...I was a fool not to have heeded the warning...
Wednesday 19th April 2006
Sad songs...I seem to have an affinity with them...they're just so...how do I put it...I fit in with them?
-----------------------
Qi...maybe, can I call you Shikky? It wasn't the single syllables as much as the uniqueness of the nickname...
Tuesday 18th April 2006
The death is affecting me more than it should. I feel so vulnerable. My mind is blank, I just want to hide away somewhere, where I won't be bothered by trivial things, where I can just let go, where I don't have to fake any smiles, where I don't have to put up any fronts, brave front gentlemanly front formal front serious front stoic front, or maybe with a friend who will understand. The full state of emotional fragility is dawning on me.
Monday 17th April 2006
Yesterday I talked with two of my friends (they're studying in the US so I stayed up really late) about love - the romantic type. How do you know you really know it's it, when you think you're in it? Experts have defined true love as composing of 3 things: passion, commitment and intimacy. There cannot be an argument against its existence, since all 3 exist. Then it boils down to what are the levels of the 3 at which you can confidently assert it's true romantic love. (>_< I'm rationalising love..) From here, it is nearly impossible to be technical without losing the essence of each. An infinite checklist of things that describe certain levels would be accurate, but an infinite checklist is impossible in technical terms, while a finite list will distort. So I guess, it all boils down to a question of faith, since there is no list that could accurately, exhaustively describe it. That's why there's a word "intangible"...you can't measure levels of the 3. (Omg, why am I doing this??!?) Do you believe in it? I don't know if I do.
------------------------
*Sigh* I have just done something perhaps most would never do. Maybe I'm just loony. I must be crazy to attempt to rationalise love. I know Yan would be shaking his head if he's reading this. Arrgh..I must hate myself so much to be so delusional. O_o Help? Maybe I need some good music.
I realise I've a tendency to freak people out with the things I write. Which person in his or her right mind wouldn't go "what the hell" at what I've just done...I think I'll never get attached, unless maybe there are actually girls just as crazy as me. I don't quite believe that opposites last together. They're attracted at the start, but will there be enough common ground to last? Yan thinks so, because of a dominant-submissive relationship. The submissive is attracted by the dominant, then it lasts because the dominant enjoys being in the lead and the submissive prefers not to take responsibility and feels comfortable laying back and being led. Food for thought?
Sunday 16th April 2006
I don't know what to write. It's Easter. The 3rd day when Jesus rises from the dead into heaven. Today also happens to be the 3rd day of the death of my grandmother. What a coincidence.
Joy and sorrow
Two and opposite
Irreconcileable
Up and down
A clash of emotions
In their coexistence
The whole split asunder
Thrown off balance
At a loss
Of course, I'm writing gibberish again, but how do you reconcile the two? They are two, opposite and apart. On the same 3rd day, I do not know what to feel. Life is full of wicked ironies. So waddya think? Weird isn't it? Life.
I stare blankly
In front of me
The lights of the house
Dance, multi-coloured
Its patterned walls intricate
And paint vivid
In all its majesty
And grandeur
It is a grand house
Big and beautiful
With many storeys
And many rooms
It is a house for the dead
To be burnt
As an offering
For the departed.
That's another one showing killer impact style. I wrote it today as I happened to gaze on the paper house that is to be burnt as an offering. Maybe someone could come up with a title...how about "Beautiful House" to add to the impact of the last stanza?
-----------------------------
I'll formally introduce my new friend..She's been tagging so much but I haven't even mentioned her name here yet. Her name is Shiqi. ODACian, very outdoorsy. Outgoing, easygoing, cheery, happy. Can I call you Qi? I mean, most of the people I write about on my blog have single-syllable nicks...Trin, Skiew.
Saturday 15th April 2006
Early morning Friday April 14th. Death of my grandmother. It didn't upset me much...death never did so. Death is part and parcel of life. Eventually we all must pass on, and return to the Earth. Maybe I'm cold, I dunno.
It's surprising how the irony of life all plays out. On Thursday I was fretting about having nothing to do the whole long weekend. Then Thursday night we were all summoned to the hospital. Then early the next morning, she went. The wake will be until Tuesday. Fate kept my weekend all empty, just to hit me with something that would make my weekend filled. How ironic. One can't help but be incensed at Fate's black humour.
I talked with Skiew about death. I asked him if I was cold and...inhuman..by not feeling upset at death but at injustice. He said I'm ok. Am I really?
Skiew always asks me to talk to my new friend. I keep declining, or hesitate. I don't think she is used to me yet. (Yes I know you are reading this.) Or at least, to my depth and intensity of thought, which can be quite extreme at times. The powers that be have gifted me with such an ability, but it is double-edged. I am able to see many things in greater depth, but I am also affected in greater amounts by second-guessing myself and my inherent weaknesses, or things that can't really be resolved. Like, the 4 big questions "who am I", "why am I here", "where have I come from" and "where do I go from here". A long time ago I spent a week being depressed just trying to find an answer, especially to "why am I here". My advice to anyone attempting all four questions? Don't.
Until next time.
Wednesday 12th April 2006
Was at my new friend's house yesterday with my friend, who's my new friend's friend. Well. I dunno. I felt weird. I'm still square-one-ish. I can't interact spontaneously for nuts. I'm that kind of person who sits back and observes and thinks...not really a spontaneous participant; my participation is of my own volition, whenever and wherever I choose to. But most of the time, even if I want to, I can't. I have been and have brought myself up to be an observer, a thinker, someone who listens more than he talks and calculates before he acts. I do not know joy arising from spontaneity as a result. You could say, in terms of psychological profile, I have skipped my teenage years. Just refer back to the incident in the 4th April post. There's more to life than what I know now, having skipped some time. But maybe I can't get back time lost. Redefining the way I interact with others will mean re-evaluating myself and who I want to be - or where I want to be on the observer-participant continuum. That means I have to redefine myself. I spent 2 painful years in JC finding myself and constructing an identity. I prefer not to repeat that process.
Today I got my newbie bike. It's just a normal, standard 100-buck-or-so bike fitted with a basket, reflectors, a bottle and its bottle-holder, plus a lock for immobilising and securing it.
Monday 10th April 2006
The past week has been a week of introspection. About the way I want myself to be. Finally, just maybe, I feel happier. Happier than what I used to be. I have a new friend now, too, who's always happy.
--------------------------
Dragged two tow cables - somewhat like 30mm thick, 5m steel ropes, the type a tank uses to tow another tank - a damn long distance today, one in each hand. Left me feeling exhausted. I need my sleep.
Tuesday 4th April 2006
Been coughing for 2.5 weeks now. Feeling very tired after all the work I did yesterday. I need a good rest.
I've been thinking about what Trin said to me on Sunday. I guess maybe it's time for me to make some little decisions for myself, instead of being so passive. I should change it and not let it change me. If I don't live for anything, at least I have to live for myself. I'm still learning how and have a long way to go. I'm starting out alone...maybe I'm not alone. Trin's words will always follow me. I sometimes don't understand why she'd care so much about someone who's nearly given up on himself and tried to keep it that way. But I guess maybe there's still alot about the human race I still do not understand and have to learn.
First I'm going to have to take more conscious control of myself. I should not allow my standard of English to be degraded by my environment.
Yesterday I went out with my friend and his friends. They were just laming around, but they seemed to derive so much joy out of it. I stood silently away and it occurred to me that I've never done or felt anything like what they were experiencing before.
Amazing, isn't it? A guy who's lived for so long doesn't know anything like that. In all my 19+ years of my life I don't consciously remember anything like that. Maybe it's the way I've brought myself up to see things. But Trin said I'm gonna fall hard if my only pride comes from my professionalism. I guess I should start seeing that there's more to life, and to myself, than just that.
I feel totally like a hermit trying to learn about social life, human relationships and happiness for the first time. I'm serious. For all my experience and the respect and recognition I get from my peers, now and in the past, for my work, I have to admit I don't know anything about that. "Joy" wasn't exactly in my dictionary. I guess I'm going to have to add it in letter by letter. Not easy, but still, I guess I'll take it slowly.
Sunday 2nd April 2006
I broke my fork eating lunch (hard plastic fork). Like, wth. Either the chicken was damn strong or my jaw is damn strong. Chicken + me = broken fork. Theory proven by following evidence O_o :
----------------------------
Britain's ITV has reported an Iraqi girl's firsthand account (http://www.itv.com/news/index_1460729.html) and (http://video.uk.msn.com/v/en-gb/v.htm?g=4cb31255-619d-415c-a836-b9cdfcf9fc75&f=34/64) of a US killing of 15 Iraqi civilians, initially denied by the US military. If indeed it was a revenge attack after a roadside bomb killed a marine, "worst massacre" of civilians is too polite. Genocide is a far better term.
The US should be privy to UN laws regarding civilians and genocide and not given special treatment by anyone, journalists especially. It should be held accountable for its actions. When the news first broke the US denied the killings - instead saying they were killed by shrapnel from the bomb or by crossfire. Its words are now back to haunt it.
The bomb was 150 metres away and the supposed crossfire could focus itself on a door lock instead of being scattered - it would also be easy to tell if the door was shot at close range, implying forced entry - the paths cleaved by the bullets through the doors would be off the horizontal by a substantial amount, pointing towards the ground inside the house. And don't tell me you can't tell which is the entry and exit point. As rifle bullets spin the exit point is larger than the entry point. You decide.
Wednesday 29th March 2006 11pm
Time. Even 4 months ago, seems like a very long time ago. I feel... aged. I don't remember much of my preschool days too. In fact I don't remember much at all. Mostly only major stuff, or little snippets. I don't know why. Maybe it's because they all seem so long ago.
I've been coughing for a week now. I don't know when it'll stop.
Today for the first time in my life, I'm actually letting go of everything. Except work. And it is army work. Letting go of my favourite computer games, letting go of girls or chances to find a soulmate. What is happening to me? Maybe I'm just so jaded with this world that I'm just turning off. I practically don't care about my personal life now. I only know I work hard, that's all. I don't know what's come over me. I'm only doing things because it's necessary that they be done. At night before sleeping, I think of "what do I have to settle tomorrow morning" instead of "who shall I go look for to go out and have a drink/supper with tomorrow night". I've, for the first time, lost touch with myself and everybody around me. And I don't know why.
Wednesday 29th March 2006 7pm
I finally found out the reason for my dark/fiery mood lately. I am in need of a good chillout, realised I haven't had one in a while. Especially, listening to dreamy, atmospheric music. I need quiet.
Saturday 25th March 2006
Fear. Amid the tranquil blue... a dark song plays. Fear...Fear! Play the song if you wish.
Here it is
Tuesday 21st March 2006
Iraq, 3 years on. Whatever that was claimed to be there has not yet been found, and that which was claimed to supposedly be put in motion by now has not started rolling. No weapons of mass destruction has been found so far, and Iraq still does not have a democratic government. Where have we gone from the start of day one? Many do not know. It is scarcely reported in popular news today. It should really deserve more attention.
Suffice to say, the order of the day in postwar Iraq is violence, not even an unsettling peace. Human casualties continue to rise. Where is the supposed security that was much touted? It is near non-existent, although that does not mean to say that nothing has been done. Attempts have been made, but results are less-than-desirable. Who is to blame?
Arguably, it is not "who" but more than one "what"s that are making Iraq so miserable. Religion teaches people the difference between good and evil, but religious zeal still runs strong to the point that it blinds zealots from seeing that killing their own kind runs contrary to being good. Or maybe they do not view others who do not have similar beliefs as their "own kind"?
Then there are some others who are nonchalant about the whole affair, and care only about their own lives. The north is rich in oil, but lacking in national solidarity.
Next, the perpetrators of the war are running out of steam in the reconstruction effort. Call it slackening, or caving in to public pressure to pull out, but what truely alarms one is not religion, enclaves or slackening, but the following:
It isn't reported enough in the press today. Only dedicated current-affairs magazines such as The Economist and Newsweek carry enough content about Iraq today, The Economist Online's Global Agenda section being an excellent example. In all other forms of media; the evening news, the tabloids and papers, little is said about Iraq. What this makes for is a virtual worldwide "blackout" that gives both internal and external agents - the Iraqi government itself, and the governments behind the war - chance to slack.
Governments should fear their people, and if the people know, and care enough, about the dismal situation in Iraq, there is a much higher chance that at least a proportion of them will push their government to finish up the job. After all, it's all in the image. There are others who will only see that the expatriate staff in Iraq are under threat of violence everyday, and push their government to pull out. Who is more dominant?
The latter might be in a good number of countries. Many a time the local press only presents stories about soldiers suffering. They cannot be fully blamed. However, rather than the government dragging its feet and the tabloids complaining, it is better for the tabloids to push the government to finish up and the government to put in more effort in rebuilding Iraq. Iraq gets better, and the soldiers can return faster. That is the short-term benefit. In the long-term, the faster a stable and secure Iraq is achieved, the less likely it is to disintegrate and plunge the Middle East into yet more turmoil. For a precedent, look no further than the Balkan states.
The sad part is that this downward spiral has already begun. It is often said that the media is the 4th estate, and it should do its job well this time round. Governments should also step on it now, to avoid a worse problem later. However, speed is of the essence. Otherwise, the downward spiral may never be stopped.
I invite comments/rebuttals/debate. Please use the tagboard on the right.
Saturday 11th March 2006
Terrorists. Killing indiscriminately, they utterly suck on moral grounds. But let's not talk about that. I believe it has been said so many times before. But let's switch our view to another aspect. They're just the ultimate expression of noobishness. Picking on soft, easy, unsuspecting targets. No skill, no skill at all. Just using area-effect weapons to bomb the shit out of soft targets. I bet half of them couldn't even hit a stationary competition target standing at 10m shooting with a recoiless, precision Air Rifle, let alone snipe at 800m with a military-grade rifle. What else can they suck at? Morals, skill, I guess there's not much else left to suck at huh. n00b. I don't usually call people that, not even in games, but...i'll make an exception. TERRORISTS ARE N00BS.
Monday 27th February 2006
To be a thinker you have to accept the views of others and that you may be wrong.
To be a leader you must be a good follower.
To be a pioneer you have to accept that others are also pioneers and may be better than you.
To be a commander you must be a subordinate.
To be someone with lofty plans you must be someone who is in touch with what is happening on the ground.
To be a speaker, you must be a listener.
If it isn't more obvious, human infants learn how to speak by first listening to how others speak. Why should you go against this order where bigger things are concerned? The prevalent lack of good leadership in the army is soon driving me to exhaustion. They just don't know what's happening on the ground and they just simply wish to dictate the ground and expect everything to go along with them. Sooner or later, if this continues, I fear I may not be able to take it. Failing to comprehend such an outrage as why others just don't understand, I may just be driven to madness. A purely benevolent being is unable to comprehend malevolence and the underlying motivation for it, risking sanity the more it tries to probe. It is the same principle.
I have grown weary. Too weary, in spirit. Little exists but angst, hatred and vengeance as expressable feeling. I am unable to understand why, though I probe deep. I have been taught one thing, but I have seen another. They are irreconcileable. Deep down I may still have positive, constructive energies, but I no longer outwardly express them. I don't want to have anything to do with anyone around me, yet, at the same time I want to belong somewhere. Everything's tearing me apart. Slowly.
For anyone in a position of leadership...if you may claim to be wise...this is my reply:
When the wise walk the earth, only fools do not see them.
Wise men are always, partly, fools.
Wise men who claim to be so are but fools, wise men who claim not to be so are truly wise.
The simple explanations:
When you do not recognise wisdom, you are a fool...
Wise men are those who are constantly learning, finding that part of them which is foolish and seeking wisdom for it...
When you may be wise and claim to be so, you close your mind and do not learn anything, thus you are a fool. When you may be wise and claim not to be so, not because you are humble but because you wish to keep learning and seeking wisdom, then you are truly wise.
I have, so far, withheld the above thoughts and observations I have thus far made in my life. By acting dumb, it has given me ample cover to stay back, observe, experience, synthesize, and learn. But the army I can no longer take. I do not see the point in writing this, such a fool am I, but I have come to the point where I must say something, in one form or another. Hence I have done so. Whatever help this has been, good then. But I have little hope, for there are many who are fools who walk this earth.
Sunday 26th February 2006
No I didn't die. I've just been very busy the past two weeks. Army is teh suck.
Thursday 16th February 2006
BUSY@work. WHY. I even bring work home to do, or there won't be enough time at work. WHY. Am I practical or hardworking, or am I just plain stupid?
Sunday 12th February 2006
I have nothing much of value to add...and tomorrow I have duty again. Haiz~
My friend on Valentine's Day: it's overrated. Why shouldn't it be everyday?
Others: roses and hugs and kisses.
Hmmm. O_o
Wednesday 8th February 2006
I know this is kinda late...but I'll still write it anyway. With freedom comes responsibility. To the European newspapers which published the caricatures that caused a world-wide uproar, if you think that in the name of press freedom you are free to insult, debase and disregard the sacred, religious beliefs of a group of people, then you are nothing but insolent, irresponsible and only vilify the upright name of press freedom. So much for the press being the fourth estate. Investigative journalism can expose many things in the name of press freedom, but this recent example simply abused it. Just to give a random example, in Islam no images of the Prophet Muhammad are allowed to prevent idol-worship, and in Christianity the Church is a sacred place of worship. You are to dress properly and observe appropriate behaviour to prevent desecration of the place. What if I drew an image of shabbiness and sleaziness occurring in a pristine-looking church, with a caption saying "this is church" and posted it on the net, claiming press freedom and debasing the entire Christian faith in the process?
Tuesday 7th February 2006
Hmmmmmm. Hmmmmmm.
Sunday 29th January 2006
Angst. Politics is a dirty business and politicians are teh suxor~:
Tell me~
Why'd you have to go and make things so fukin' messed up
You just look like
Little kids who run around and quarrel over every damn toy
Oh please spare me
All the shoutin'
All the fightin'
All the bitchin'
All the actin'
All this crap
All this melodrama
Honestly oh did you think you'd ever be worth attention
'Cos I-don't-care
(Avril Lavigne - Complicated chorus)
I'm not sure if I'm gonna make the verses. I don't care.
Wednesday 25th January 2006
So near and yet so far...she says one thing and seems to do another...I don't know what to think.
Hello
Do you miss me?
I hear you say you do
But not the way I'm missing you.
What's new?
How's the weather?
Is it stormy where you are?
'Cos I'm so close but it feels like you're so far
Oh would it mean anything
If you knew
What I'm left imaginin'?
Im my mind, im my mind
Would you go, would you go
Kiss the rain
Billie Myers - Kiss The Rain
Sunday 22nd January 2006
I lost myself a long time ago. Till today I still haven't found myself completely. Bits and pieces lie around, and some things, I haven't managed to fully let go of, or maybe I haven't been trying hard enough.
Today I saw frailty. I saw physical frailty, but in the end I was more concerned about spiritual frailty. It pains me to realise how weak the human spirit can be, how it is so easily shattered. Humans can overcome many things, but many things can overcome humans. Once overcome, a human just lies shattered and broken. There might be a chance of regeneration, or there might not. Even then, a mark is left behind.
Strong as you may be, there is always something that might just break you.
Saturday 21st January 2006
Vietnam 1965. Millions would be sent to their deaths. It was a place of bloodshed...unspeakable bloodshed. Americans, Vietnamese...
You step out into the morning knowing that something...something is going to happen, and you may not live to see the next 24 hours.......then you spend just that few seconds seeing something you have never seen before, seeing your fellow soldier get gunned down, blood spewing, as he crumples and becomes a lifeless heap on the ground, as his head finally hits the bloodied soil and his eyes stare out at you, lifeless. Or someone gets shot next to you and you bend over him, with him spending the final few moments of his life staring out towards the sky, at you, around you, his breathing ragged and shallow, until he can stare no more...
For some reason, from time to time, like today, I feel that stillness in time just like how time seems to slow down and eventually stand still in the example above. I do not know why it happens, but maybe it has something to do with big choices - that don't affect you physically but spiritually. Opposing forces exist and you can only choose one. Choose one and you will live, or choose the other and you will eventually become formless, a mist, a shadow. Do you want that to happen? Even if you want to become a shadow to fight shadows?
Wednesday 18th January 2006
I need a break...I hope I've got it...been doing OT + Saturdays + P. hols + Sunday for god knows how long already...3 weeks I think...for LRI. Sian.
Monday 9th January 2006
I am slowly giving myself over to the dark side, bit by bit everyday. I believe that humans do not deserve to be enslaved by the incompetencies and idiosyncracies of other insufferable humans, and I am increasingly losing faith in the human race, so much so that I no longer trust in methods to reform, instead wanting more and more to see the heads of these humans roll and their blood spill; their wretched, depraved souls twisted, broken and banished. My blood boils ever increasingly, and even if my physical embodiment is tired, I burn with the infernal flames of hate and vengeance, marginalising and sometimes casting aside the weaknesses of a flesh-and-blood body. It burns, it singes, it sears, it will destroy, eventually, whatever lies in its path. One day I may never turn back. Even in death.
Oh yes, and don't you know, the abysmal, pervasive emptiness and stillness of death, has a hand in this too? Even the word "stillness" seems weird in this context. The kind of "stillness" associated with death is infinite, limitness, using that word just shamefully belittles it; it cannot be compared to anything. At all.
Thursday 5th January 2006
Humans are a weird race - they put incompetent people in high positions and everyone below suffers because of them.