Punching Bag Archive 2005
These are the archived entries for 2005.
Saturday 31st December 2005
Work. Today. Can you believe it. Then work on Monday, and OT on Tue - Fri. Then work again on Sat. F***, lah.
Gonna spend a meaningless New Year's Eve again. Alone. With nothing to do. Why did it rain this afternoon - such a spoiler. Then the thought of tomorrow with the same meaningless shit and then the work after that...might as well just go jump...fuck, suicide's not an option.
Thursday 22nd December 2005
I was looking at the old RJC campus from Google Earth. Google Earth. I can even tell you where is what, which building is what. So nostalgic...sigh...I miss the place...I miss all my friends.
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NS = a convenient way of solving a manpower problem, with very good-sounding propaganda. Compulsory conscription expecting the conscripted to be on call 24/7 365 - as according to the Enlistment Act - while paying them pittance, is just another form of slavery. And some really treat subordinates like slaves.
The only reason why NSFs are not working on Saturday and Sunday is because the regulars - who are under the Employment Act, thus not supposed to work on Saturday and Sunday - are not around during the weekend. Why should the NSFs be treated differently?
If the reason is "serve the country", there are many other ways to do so, like becoming a teacher, which I intend to do. If it is "protect the country" it should be the government's prerogative to compensate for forced conscription as a very convenient solution, not favouring those who voluntarily join the army and discriminating against those who do not.
This is not the only issue surrounding the army. For some reason there is discrimination between the "combat" and "service" sides, in which the combat sides receive significantly more monetary remuneration for their services rendered. Should the risks for a tank technician working under heavy equipment be ignored? Why should there be no "risk-associated" component of the technician's pay, the combat soldier's pay being higher, because he is "combat"?
Next, if there should somehow be an argument that males who are liable for recall after completing their 2 years as an NSF get more pay than their female counterparts in the civilian workforce during which they earn back a lot more than the pittance they are paid during the 2 years, where is the logic in that? It is a compensation, yes, but it is and sbould be a compensation for being liable for recall - with absolutely nothing to do with the previous 2 years as an NSF.
Not to mention, during those 2 years many NSFs could be actively contributing to the economy or picking up skills. 2 years is half a university education; in the case of 3-year programs, two-thirds. Don't get anywhere near the notion that paying them so little makes up for that lost time. Yes, they are helping to protect the country but at the same time time is forcibly taken away from them, during which they can pick up knowledge and skills. Who is going to compensate for that? In the new economy time is a premium; NS has been reduced by half a year, but much more should be done. For an unhealthy working environment that has substantial mistrust and the "i-holier-than-thou" attitude of some superiors that creates friction, it is nowhere near pristine educational environments and cultures - that promote excellence within that time frame - in institutions of higher education.
The army also makes a mockery of Singapore's supposed principle of meritocracy. Any talent is exploited without compensation - where in the workforce talent equals remuneration. Graphics design for banners, posters and the like by talented individuals goes unrewarded with these individuals always being targeted to do such things, while in the market their talent would command a respectable pay.
These views are controversial. They are solely mine, coming from an individual who has lost faith in leadership which has for 18 years of his life sought so hard to build up a good image of itself and the country through national education programmes, but which has shattered within a year the very image it tried to build just by running an armed forces that deserves a dose of medicine to purge its unhealthy elements. These views look at the essence of things, and see them for what they are, in their barest, truest form. At no point are they meant to insult or defame; their purpose is to show the "other hand" - as the saying goes "on the other hand". Unfortunately sometimes the other side of the coin is never looked at. That is too bad.
Tuesday 20th December 2005
If you haven't noticed...I often express myself through the lyrics of the songs I listen to. So, that'll give you an indication of what I'm thinking and stuff...haiz...
'Cause I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening
'Cause I'm waiting for tonight
Then waiting for tomorrow
And I'm somewhere in between
Of What is real and just a dream...
Of What is real and just a dream...
Of What is real and just a dream...
Of What is real and just a dream...
Taken from Lifehouse - Somewhere In Between
Monday 19th December 2005
Monday 19th December huh.
Oh well I guess dealing with numbers is good in a way. At least they don't talk back to you, they don't treat you like homing pigeons going back and forth between 2 parties, they don't treat you like an emotional garbage bin...they are not emotional. Just cold hard numbers. Much easier to work with. Whoever said a clerk job is slack? Oh yea it might be slack, but when you're something like a personal assistant - i'm not even sure what my appointment is now...i'm not even supposed to be a clerk - a personal assistant to someone not exactly very well-liked, dealing with other people on behalf of that someone is very hard. Both sides don't quite care, I'm pressured for results and the other people can be unwilling to deal with me. Then all their frustration gets heaped on me, I get shouted at, ticked off, or get that kind of look from others...well in the end I'm not quite well-liked I feel.
I'm not a fucking homing pigeon. I'm not a lackey.
Friday 16th December 2005
My calves. And shins. ACHING. Basketball tournament thingy yesterday @ camp. Good but OUCH now.
Oh today some idiotic taxi driver beat the red light at quite a busy crossing I was about to walk across. Wanted to get his number down but was prevented by another car who NEARLY beat the red light, causing a near-accident, when pedestrians had already started crossing. He even dared to honk. What's with Singaporean drivers and fucked up attitudes. Fucking when I'm in uniform some more. I slowed my pace and glared at the driver and probably scared the balls out of him when he realised there was a soldier - me - crossing the road. He should count himself lucky I didn't get his number down.
People better buck up. Especially when I'm in uniform. Maybe I would have cared less when I'm in civvie, but they're sooooo gonna be dead if they do something stupid and this uniformed SAF personnel catches them in the act.
Monday 12th December 2005
Fall. Again. Fallen.
And is there really that much hatred in me...it's something I'm identifying with more and more each day...help..
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Today I saw some guy get hit by a car. He just....doubled over, slid across the bonnet, slammed the windscreen with both legs in the air, then slid back down into a slump on the road.
Horrid. I was in my father's car heading to camp on the other side of the road in the other direction. There wasn't anything I could do about it.. But I felt...not much...
Am I really that cold? Or am I just immune? Or? Or? ...or.............
Saturday 10th December 2005
Nearly had an accident today (between my father's car and some idiot on a motorcycle - how did the fucker pass his Basic Theory). At a junction, in a 2-lane road, my father's car on right lane, where vehicles in that lane can go straight or turn right. My father was going straight. Motorcycle, sandwiched between the lanes. Fucker didn't bother to signal, AND TURNED RIGHT, crossing my father's path. Had it not been for my father's experience on the road with motorcycles sandwiched between lanes turning at junctions, for which he accelerated very slowly to observe the actions of the motorcyclist upon the green light, we would have collided. You can imagine how much resentment and irritation I feel towards IRRESPONSIBLE road users such as this particular guy who compromise road safety. Freaking didn't get his motorcycle number down though. Woulda lodged a complaint with the traffic police.
And the following is something I wish I could bring up to my superiors:
“It is with great disappointment that I am writing this. Since i was posted here [to my current camp] just recently, my working experience has been peppered by unhappiness and in general I am hard-pressed to say that it is satisfactory; the attitude of some of the senior staff holding high appointments towards their men, subordinates or even contractors, is causing me intense displeasure.
“The undesirable attitude of which I write of is an 'I-holier-than-thou' attitude, whereby the staff who display this attitude lord it over others because of rank, appointment or seniority. They expect to always be placed first before others but do not reciprocate; coming across as domineering and expecting all others to conform to their whims and expectations without first evaluating the reasonableness or logic of their expectations, or at least, appear to be so, and leave no room for compromise or to understand the other party.
“Perhaps the said persons have had such unpleasant experiences in the past, of being treated as an inferior species and have, from there, 'picked up' such an attitude and are taking such an approach towards others, but such an action only represents the passing on of emotional baggage to others while no attempt is made to ensure that others are not affected by one's own undesirable experiences or attitudes – nothing but an act of irresponsibility.
“While in the past,such acts may have been tolerated because of a fear of authority, with a changing demographic and more people being educated, aware and better able to differentiate right, wrong, ethical and unethical, such an attitude has or is rapidly becoming widely unacceptable, especially where interpersonal relationships are concerned.
“The mindsets of people who display such an attitude of treating others as an inferior species relative to oneself because of their own higher rank, appointment or seniority, are closed ones. They are unable to adapt to a changing reality and are at a severe disadvantage where interpersonal relationships are concerned, which also has repercussions for the workplace. They end up irking others around them and earning their distrust, while getting things done only by virtue of rank, appointment, seniority or fear. The common response of people around them is to 'stonewall' them, superficially acceding to their demands without expression or emotion but carrying them out begrudgingly, or avoiding them whenever possible. These make for an undesirable working environment that is less-than-conducive, where intra-workplace relations have been marred.
“A change in the attitude discussed and the introduction of more sensitivity – which may be a paradigm shift for the people in question – is crucial to a healthy workplace environment. Would you rather colleagues work with each other as humans, or interact as stone walls?”
Thursday 8th December 2005
Hmm. People really think I'm 20+. So far the highest estimate has been 24. LoL
Wednesday 7th December 2005
Today has been a very HIGH day.
OT until high
Then chat with COS in ops room until high
Then on the way back listen to music and groove until high
High~
Monday 5th December 2005
People have been generous with their comments for some reason or another...today my colleague commented that I didn't look 19, more like 22, thereabouts, more mature, and that my voice also sounds like it. First there was the engraver yesterday, and today my colleague...that's unexpected. Or maybe I just haven't been paying attention to the other things that people do that make them generous/nice/etc.
Hmm. However Singtel hasn't been so nice. Why pay $47 when you can get the same service for $37? Many people must be furious. And Singtel kept quiet about it. Unbelieveable.
You are led.
Tempted.
You bow down.
Shackled.
You willingly follow.
Bound.
Each time
You fall.
Broken.
Hmm yea, that's ouch above there. Sigh. How far can you get, how deep can you fall, how much can you take, how broken can you get. Apparently, infinitely.
Anyway I was just thinking about shooting. Nothing beats the real thing or even comes close. Actually holding a gun in your hands, looking down the sights, feeling the weight of the weapon, every milimetre of movement, experiencing the difficulty, grasping the technique, feeling your own muscles twitch and the gun going along with it, anything and everything that can make or break a successful shot. Do you guys still shoot at uni, air rifle? I wonder... I wanna shoot again, and I want friends to share the experience. Sigh.
Sunday 4th December 2005
Found an engraver. He thought I was an officer. Interesting, haha. Salute!~
Thursday 1st December 2005
Unlucky day today. Many things happened. Haii~~~~~~~
Wednesday 30th November 2005
Recommended listening:
FM96.3 The International Channel - instrumental
Mix FM 99.1 - 80s, 90s to today
Tuesday 29th November 2005
Ambrose wonders why the train is so empty this evening...relaxing in the train he then realises, as the train approaches the next station, he is heading in the wrong direction.
!
How embarassing. Hahaha...
Work's always a b*tch...apart from making me tau tia every day, my muscles are generally in a state of *strain* from climbing up and down, in and out and jumping from tank to tank to check fire extinguishers. -_- My left leg seems to have gotten the worst of it >_<
Erm...ouch? @_@
Sunday 27th November 2005
Potter...waste of my time, lah =P This one was so boring...wanted to sleep halfway through the show.
*Everybody dance now*
-Jump to the rhythm jump jump to the rhythm jump-
Oh yea...
Everybody Dance now...
Everybody Dance now...
Give me the music
Give me the music
Everybody Dance now...
Everybody Dance now...
Yeah... Yeah... Yeah
Everybody Dance now...
Yeah... Yeah... Yeah
Everybody Dance now...
Here is the dome, back with the bass
The jam is live in effect and I don't waste time
on the mike with a dope rhyme
Jump to the rhythm jump jump to the rhythm jump
And I'm here to combine
Beats and lyrics to make your shake your pants
Take a chance, come on and dance
Guys grab a girl, don't wait, make HER TWIRL
It's your world and I'm just a SQUIRREL
Trying to get a nut to move your butt
To the dance floor, so yo what's up
Hands in the air, Come on say yeah,
everybody over here everybody over there
the crowd is live and I pursue this groove
Party people in the house
Move... (Let your mind)
Move... (Put me online)
Come on let's sweat, baby
Let the music take control
Let the rhythm move you
Sweat, sweat
Let the music take control
Let the rhythm move you
Everybody dance now...
Da da da da
da da da da
da da da da, da da da
da da da da, da da da
la da da da
la da da da
dum da dum da dum
everybody dance now
Pause take a breath AND go for yours
On my command now hit the dance FLOOR
It's GONNA make you sweat till you bleed
Is that DOPE enough, indeed
I paid the price, I control the dice
I'm more precise, to THE point I'm nice
The music takes control, your heart and soul
Unfold, your body is free and a whole
Dance till you can't, dance
Till you can't dance no more
Get on the floor and get raw
Then come back and upside down
Easy now, let me see ya
Move... (Let your mind)
Move... (Put me online)
The music is my life...
everybody dance now...
everybody dance now...
everybody dance now...
everybody...
Come on let's sweat, baby
Let the music take control
Let the rhythm move you
Sweat, sweat
Let the music take control
Let the rhythm move you
Everybody dance now...
Da da da da
da da da da
da da da da, da da da
da da da da, da da da
Wednesday 23rd November 2005
ARMYSUX/usual rant, duh.
Eh, I have friends who rawk!~ Haha. Good.
Saturday 19th November 2005
I ran 2.4 yesterday! After 4 months. Damn tired la.
Global dimming, global warming, it's byebye to the human race.
Fossil fuels = particulate + greenhouse gas pollution
Global dimming = particulate pollutants providing much more surfaces than naturally present for water vapour to condense on, forming many more smaller droplets for the same amount of water vapour, causing such clouds to reflect a greater amount of sunlight.
Global dimming has protected us partially from global warming. Removing particulate pollution without reducing greenhouse gas pollution = more sunlight = much stronger global warming effect = byebye.
It's all or nothing at all for pollution redeuction. Alternative energy sources ftw!~ (for the win)
Wednesday 16th November 2005
Omg. The armour unit i'm posted to is stay-out.
HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
*jumps up and down*
Yeeeeeeeeeees.
Tuesday 15th November 2005
When there's no work...it's sooooooooo boring...and everybody is busy exams tests whatnot arrgh. And I dun wan to stay in~!!!!!!!!
.......Somebody else round everyone else.........you're tryin' to be cool you look like a fool to me.............. Help.
Monday 14th November 2005
Didn't have to go to work today. Spent most of the day er...sleeping?
Sunday 13th November 2005
9.23am...I slept at 4.30am last night and woke up at 9 this morning...lol!! I must be on some kind of high or something!!!
Vrei sa pleci dar numa numa iei
Numa numa iei, numa numa numa iei
Chipul tau si DRAGOSTEA DIN TEI
Mi-amintesc de ochii tai!~
6.30pm...dinner with friend. Catching up was good.
Friday 11th November 2005
AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE WEEKEND!!!! YEEEEEEES!!!! I'm going hysterical. NO MORE SM1 FOR AT LEAST 2 DAYS!!!! The tanks...are...arrrgh...horrible.
Oh yea yesterday when I felt sick...i was squatting down then i stood up, and it just went black for 1 or 2 secs. That has never happened before...totally black. Scary shit.
Thursday 10th November 2005
Tuesday night/Wednesday morning: Sungei Gedong, on guard duty, prowling camp. OMG Gedong is sooooooo big it takes 1.5 hours just to complete one round of prowling. Walk until so tired. But got one place very good for viewing the night sky. It's totally unlit at night - well don't get the creeps...be brave - so you can see the stars really clearly. I managed to see Orion's Belt, but didn't know which way was his head and which his feet.
After duty I was so darn f***ing tired as I predicted...good thing I applied for off the day before so I left camp in the morning after duty...some cab honked at me just outside camp and I jumped in it...couldn't be bothered to walk all the way out. Considering I was lugging a huge amount of stuff because I only knew about my duty just a day before...*curses*...and was damn tired from overseas vacation cos my flight was real late. Touchdown 11.45pm, reach home 1+ am, sort stuff out, wake up next day work, then next day guard duty, wah mi are deprived of sleep. See can't even talk properly. Or type, for that matter. Back to the cab, it was macham tour liddat. The elderly auntie was explaining what this place and that place was and bla bla and how she used to work there and all...haha interesting.
Today...I think I'm getting sick. I dunno, but it feels like it. Oh no. Why. Why. Why.
Sunday 6th November 2005
Ah! Got 01 x pair of boots today. Real boots. The kind you wear to trample over everything with. Timberlands. Good stuff. Expensive >.< Lau Yan where the heck can you find cheap Timberlands...you faked me you zzzzzzz -_-
Total personal tally: jacket x 02, boots x 01 pair, lao po bing x 03 box for colleagues, souvenir x 03 for friends. Really didn't know what to get for my friends. CYX...I didn't get anything for you sry.. >.< Pretty much meaningless cos...keychains and such don't cut it, at least for you. And I would have got something else rather than the souvenirs, but I couldn't get anything for females...or questions will start flying, and my dodging skills aren't that great...so Trin and Vanessa and one more lucky person u'r each stuck with a magnetic star from Hong Kong Walk of Stars (or whatever that Hollywood Walk of Fame mimic is called). But hey, each of you is like a star! Not that kind of star, but that up in the sky. (Damn the cliche - but one of you mentioned you love the heavens, and the other likes stars) That's all for shopping. I'm not a great shopper. And maybe I'm a picky one as well.
Back to familiar territory!!!~ ROAR. And the net. Didn't talk about the tour itself cos...pretty boring. I shan't go on tours next time. Unless it's something I really wanna see. Like mystery or intrigue or what, like Stonehenge and stuff.
Saturday 5th November 2005
Location: Back in Kowloon, Hong Kong. Came back from Shenzhen in the morning. -Finished reading book- Lunch @ Mac's. Then back to shopping. Guess what, this time I saw a cute girl, probably 20-something, short hair (combed down & inward), roundish face, no makeup, fair skin, bright eyes, tending a shop at a shopping mall my mother got a shirt from. I sorta expected she wasn't the boss. Got that confirmation when she had to call the boss because my mother was bargaining. Anyway...before that happened we nearly "wanted to leave the shop" because the price was "still too high", then she went -moan- (hey, not that kind of moan, you cheeky asshole..."groan" would be better then?) and said (in cantonese - have I mentioned I had a bit of a culture shock here?) "Ok ok wait let me call my boss" (Or so I deduced). Lol *stunned*...why do girls do that. Refuse them something they want and they go -groan- and sulk. Cute in a way, but do it too much and it becomes...irritating -_-
Well, Hong Kong has her share of chiobus and cute girls and pretty girls. Lol...started laughing/cringing/feeling disgusted already? Oh heck, I have observation skills that are too good. But HK girls look different from the girls in Singapore...they dress to really look nice and stuff. Singapore girls go with the natural look and whatever-the-heck-is-comfortable stuff. Fair enough. By the way if any of you are looking for boots...go there and get them. They're hot there. Especially for the girls.
I've given up on a leather jacket...too expensive...grrrrrrrrrrrr. Did quite a bit of shopping today - mostly walking around while my parents did their shopping. Why oh why do people shop without knowing what they want. I know exactly what I want, so it's in and out of a shop in 5 minutes. Usually less.
Friday 4th November 2005
Location: Shenzhen, China. Argh. Singaporeans. Too damn full of themselves. Always playing smart aleck. I'm weird. Why the heck do I want to protect a race I sometimes really hate. Yes, hate, so much. They seem to always have *excessive* distrust of each other and never want to admit they might be wrong. Anyway I got a couple of jackets today. Army-style. Still looking for a black leather jacket. I miss people already, sigh...for lack of good-enough company. Referring back to the human race, I wonder how much shit I can take before I break. I feel like crying sometimes. Maybe I should deal out some shit of my own. But what? I just simply don't bother - don't want to - with...smart alecks and such. Waste of energy. Heck, these ppl are older than me, I'd expect them to have at least some level of decency. Sort themselves the hell out. F***ed up. I'm serious.
Thursday 3rd November 2005
Too damn tired. And too damn engrossed in a book - yes, I brought a book to read (Haunted by Kelley Armstrong) - to write. *tried* to do a bit of shopping @ Mong Kok. *tried*.
Wednesday 2nd November 2005
Location: Kowloon, Hong Kong. Pissed as always. Zzzzzzzzzzz. Don't ask. Oh, I saw a chiobu about my age at Hong Kong Int'l Airport today. She looked like she was from the Phillipines. Anyway, she wasn't model-like chio, she had that cool kind of chio-ness...short, styled hair just above her shoulders (outward, not combed straight down), part of which fell diagonally across one of her eyes - which one I can't remember >.< , a soft, natural look without make-up, not-too-sharp chin, small doe eyes, shirt + jacket + jeans...and oh, that sleepy-i'm-bored-i-don't-care look. Now that package is what I call chio.
"If you meddle in the black arts you must be prepared to accept an early death." Am I ready or am I here in this category - do I consider myself as such? † The sign of the cross is a powerful symbol; invoke the Trinity, Amen. May the Lord bless you and protect you from all harm.
Today Trin remembered my birthday. Thanks so so much to her...<3 always.
Sunday 30th October 2005
Always manage to be at odds with my father. I really don't like the way he approaches things. Grrr. Different mindset la. Forget it, don't wanna talk about it.
Wish something more interesting happened in my life than army n all that. Sian. I mean, really. >.< I miss my friends.
Listening to Class 95...they always have good music... ...drown myself in music......
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Thinkin' back in time
When love was only in the mind
I realise
Ain't no second chance
You got to hold on to romance
Don't let it slide
There's a special kind of magic in the air
When you find another heart that needs to share
Baby, come to me
Let me put my arms around you
This was meant to be
And I'm oh so glad I found you
Need you everyday
Got to have your love around me
Baby always stay
'Cause I can't go back to livin' without you
Spendin' every dime
To keep you talkin' on the line
That's how it was
And all those walks together
Out in any kind of weather
Just because
There's a brand new way of looking at your life
When you know that love is standing by your side
Baby come to me
Let me put my arms around you
This was meant to be
And i'm so glad I found you
Need you everyday
Got to have your love around me
Baby always stay
'Cause I can't go back to livin' without you.
The night can be cold
There's a chill to every evening when you're all alone
Don't talk anymore
'Cause you know that i'll be here to keep you warm
Baby come to me
Let me put my arms around you
This was meant to be
And i'm so glad I found you
Need you everyday
Got to have your love around me
Baby always stay
'Cause I can't go back to livin' without you.
...
James Ingram and Patti Austin - Baby, Come To Me
Friday 28th October 2005
Woo. Been a busy week today...lots of tanks to push out for in-camp training happening in mid-November. Tired tired tired. Had OT today but luckily it wasn't very late. I AM ONLINE NOW BWAHAHAHA. Hey...psst. Do ya wanna see an Ambrose speaking Chinese and Hokkien and swearing ever so often? Come to my camp. Hahaha.
Anyway put that aside and try this: Colorgenics.
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Mine, immaculate dream made breath and skin
I've been waiting for you
Signed, with a home tattoo,
Happy birthday to you was created for you
Can't ever keep from falling apart
At the seams
Cannot believe you're taking my heart
To pieces
Oh, it'll take a little time,
Might take a little crime
To come undone now
We'll try to stay blind
To the hope and fear outside
Hey child, stay wilder than the wind
And blow me in to cry
Who do you need, who do you love
When you come undone
Who do you need, who do you love
When you come undone
Words, playing me deja vu
Like a radio tune I swear I've heard before
Chill, is it something real
Or the magic I'm feeding off your fingers
Can't ever keep from falling apart
At the seams
Cannot believe you're taking my heart
To pieces
Lost, in a snow filled sky
We'll make it alright
To come undone now
We'll try to stay blind
To the hope and fear outside
Hey child, stay wilder than the wind
And blow me in to cry
Who do you need, who do you love
When you come undone
Who do you need, who do you love
When you come undone
Who do you need, who do you love
Can't ever keep from falling apart
Who do you need, who do you love
Can't ever keep from falling apart
...
Duran Duran - Come Undone
Monday 24th October 2005
I don't like people who have attitude problems, much less working with them. But there just has to be at least two such people at my workplace. One is one of the clerks in my company, the other is, unfortunately, my section-mate. I see his face and all his nonsense everyday and keep quiet even when that nonsense is directed at me. I think it's time for me to start saying something. 19 years old and still behaving like a kid with behavioural problems. I'm so sorry (I don't mean it), but I'm gonna have to put you out of my sight. I don't work with people who have attitude problems. Fucking world doesn't revolve around you. Please try not to mess with the sign of death. No, rather, just don't.
Sunday 23rd October 2005
Got a new phone...Nokia 6030! Quite nice phone. Happies. But I want the black cover >.<
Saturday 22nd October 2005
Been busy with scholarship + uni application the past week. Sorry for not updating, actually wanted to on Wednesday but...nvm. Hmmm Mon - Wed was work as usual but Wednesday got a bit interesting, at some point my 3 sergeants started behaving like little kids. In a positive rather than negative sense. Ionno, it's hard to describe, but it sure was pretty amusing. Then Thursday, I had applied a half-day off, and I went back to RJ to get some stuff done there, and at the same time I ran into some of my juniors. Really great to see them again, and also to taste canteen food. THEN I found out Open House was on Friday. Otherwise I woulda taken my off on Friday! So it was back to the workplace on Friday. However I managed to tuang nearly the whole day, lol. I also realised that it's been something like 11 months since I last sat down at a table and really did something with PEN and PAPER. ARRRRRGH. I don't want to become stupid!
Oh. I forgot to mention...I went swimming again today and am aching ALL OVER again. Especially my neck. Swimming frogstyle and looking forward is equivalent to standing and looking at heaven with all your neck muscles tensed. I imagine I'm going to get a power neck if I keep this up...
Sunday 16th October 2005
I think I slept on the wrong side last night or something. The right side of my diaphragm, or at least the lower right of my torso, was aching the whole day today, with the pain more pronounced when inhaling. Arrgh. It's interesting how a physical strain like that can get you down the whole day...that, and the non-stop rain today.
Saturday 15th October 2005
Up and down crest and trough Down Trough Valley Gorge Canyon It's all going down One of those sick depressing cynical periods again Get me out of here
Sunday 9th October 2005
Yesterday I went to swim, after not having swam for 3 years, not counting the 50m swimming test in BMT. That was good, considering it was a realisation of an idea I had some time ago to get my lazy ass off the couch and start exercising, especially when I don't get much of it in army because (thankfully - I don't want more shit in the army) I'm PES C9L3. Now, today, my entire left side is aching, discounting my torso. Non-master side. Expected.
Met Vanessa and Ronnie today, treated the duo to mudpie at NYDC (lucky I had the juice - I mean the cash), after which Ronnie, with some input from me, gave Vanessa her first guitar lesson. I haven't really played the guitar in a long time, maybe once or twice, but it was nice to play something today after not playing for so long. I felt...distant (as usual) but I shan't talk about the sad part 'cos it happens all too often anyway.
Interesting how my mood and dressing is interdependent. When I wear a certain colour I tend to "be" it...how do I say it. I dunno. Pulled off the all-black today. I always wanted to wear all-black, but I didn't really have the courage to do so because of what the colour means to me. Until today.
Black - the colour of death, an ending, the close of a chapter. Not necessarily physical, but also metaphysical, mental, psychological. The colour of chaos, resulting from disharmony or discordance. The colour of disharmony or discordance, of being out of sync, disjointed, disconnected from the surrounding, especially spiritually. The colour of upheaval, disturbance, of tumult, psychologically. When paired with shades, the colour of escapism or distance, of wanting to be away from others or the surrounding, metaphysically. The colour of fading into the background or fading away. The colour of stealth. The colour of darkness. The colour of a Fallen. The colour of hidden, dangerous power, of destructive ability. ... cool is a side effect for me that isn't intended, at all.
Notice these are all the negative, subconscious interpretations. That's black for me. And I always manage to immerse myself in the essence of these when I wear black, somehow.
Speaking of escapism associated with black, I think I should be wary of the music I listen to. I realise I like music, sometimes because it allows me to escape psychologically to whatever world the music describes. Not good, because it is like drug. Eventually it will ruin me, because psychological reality...is always harsh. The more I escape the more painful the settling-in to reality is. I'm not saying it's always bad, but there has to be a balance. Music relieves stress, but too much of it becomes escapist.
Sunday 2nd October 2005
My teacher:
To be a thinker you have to accept the views of others and that you may be wrong.
To be a leader you must be a good follower.
To be a pioneer you have to accept that others are also pioneers and may be better than you.
*slap in the face of RJC*
Friday 30th September 2005
HAPPY BIRTHDAY VANESSA! Congrats u'r a year older.
Sent people off again today, this time the Imperial scholars...Hocks, Yoke, Hanyan, Xing Mao...and met, again, a whole bunch of people...RJ juniors who were also sending Hocks off, RJ ppl were who sending Hanyan, Yoke off, and even an old RI classmate Andrew...wow...these few days, I suddenly realise that I know a lot of people.
Thursday 29th September 2005
Sent Gladys and co. off yesterday...well actually, went to the airport to send Gladys, then discovered one-by-one that a whole lot of people were going off on the same flight. You learn new things every day huh...Gladys, Audrey, John, Jiahui, Tim, Karen etc. etc...I can't even remember who else I came briefly across...well all the best to them, they rock. And did I mention a whole freaking lot of people were there?? It was like...mini-RJC...arts, medicine, CPS, council they were all there. Some VJ and HC were there too to send their friends off...I managed to see old RI friends from 2-4 years ago! That's simply amazing, we even exchanged contacts. Simply put the whole world was there.
Saturday 24th September 2005
Managed to go off early at around 4pm today from camp. Met classmates for dinner...farewell dinner before they fly off. Really wanted to spend more time with them...but army...well. Armysux. I'm so gonna miss you people. Went to Holland V for dinner/chillout...really wish I could have been there earlier for the afternoon part...wonder when I can see them again after they fly off.
Friday 23rd September 2005
FUCK THE SAF. Yes, repeat, FUCK THE SAF. I'm not their dog. I'm super angry now. Just got called to go back to camp tomorrow Saturday when I have an event going on with my friends. SAF supposed 6th core value: ethics. This event I've planned long ago, vs. call late at night and say report the next day. My classmates are all flying off next week and tomorrow is the last time I'll see them for a gathering before they fly. Go for which? Fuck it okay, really. I wanna leave Singapore. Really. SAF drives me mad. I think the only thing they are good at is pissing people off.
Wednesday 21st September 2005
Sent a few people...Shihao, Joseph, Yi Bing, Seng Teck...off yesterday. Nearly everybody's gone now. Sigh. Was too tired to blog by the time I got back from airport last night...and am feeling tired today too. Work sucks. Monotonous. + mosquitoes...oh damn, I hate mosquitoes.
Have a fun time in London. It's autumn now, remember to take pics and send back to Singapore.
Can't think of anything to blog now. =(
Sunday 18th September 2005
Got to watch The Cave today. (Ouch, contacts hurt a bit. Dry.) Most of the movie is crap and purely fictional but...it does bring out the interrelation of religion and science. I wouldn't say that this is the be-all and end-all...that religion and science are merely different expressions of the same thing, that religion expresses that which science does not yet know or has not yet discovered...but that it is one of the bewildering viewpoints in the debate of religion vs. science and their seeming conflict. What religion calls demons and devils...may be what science has not discovered, what humans have never been familiar with. It is this unfamiliarity and the associated fear that lead humans to call these beings so, because we do not understand their motivations.
Saturday 17th September 2005
CHEW YUAN XIANG where the hell is your e-mail...you're supposed to send me one. Like, a week ago?
DOTAed yesterday with Boon, Jer, Shihao. 4 ppl, how sad...for like, the last DOTA session in Singapore b4 everybody leaves. Neh was there but left when I came. I mean, duh, I'm always late for DOTA on Fri, cos I come from camp. And it's Gedong, so @^%#!@&* armysux. But the DOTA was good, at least, it was for the people who were playing and not for the game itself...sigh everyone is really leaving soon.
Am considering applying for MOE teaching scholarship. But should I? Just because I wanna go overseas because I have doubts about a local Aerospace degree and what I can do with it? -SHOULD- I? I know I can, but should I. Help.
Thursday 15th September 2005
Got my attachment today. Sungei Gedong. 3 GSMC. PHARK. But at least, I'm not stay-in. At least for the next 2 months. And then after that I get re-attached, maybe back there, maybe somewhere else. And I don't want to stay-in. MY LIFE DOES NOT BELONG TO SAF.
---------------------------
Got an sms from Vanessa today...which said she's feeling giddy and sick nearly every day. =( Advised her to at least tell her teacher even if she doesn't take blue slip ie. off. Wondered if she really fully recovered from her fever last week. She sounded really bad over the line. Worried, again.
Tuesday 13th September 2005
I have my new shades. Plus contacts. To be worn on weekends.
Heh.
Monday 12th September 2005
9.51pm
Alone on the homebound train from Jurong East. I realise I tend to do a lot of things alone, or that I tend to go it alone. Maybe this is strong-headedness, or stubbornness. Where will it lead me? What sort of path will I make for myself, and how will it affect me or the people around me?
Before this I was at an end-of-course celebration with the rest of my batch and our instructors at The Chevrons. After it, when most people had already left (you could say I got myself into a situation where I stayed on after most people left), I chose to walk out alone instead of together with the remaining people. It seemed...so unnervingly natural. Was that really me? I walked a path less trodden...or at least it appeared less trodden to me...down to the train station. Was that who I really am? To stay away and be shut out?
Black, and with shades. My current image. Distant? Yes. Me? Ye...am I sure?
On a side note, I'll not sing karaoke again. My voice is too low for most songs. I'll just stick to singing casually without music, to friends, and just maybe...just maybe...to a special person.
Sunday 11th September 2005
Friday...DOTA...2 very good games with e PDC ppl.
Saturday...meeting with friend. Gelare@Citylink, then HMV, then Library@Esplanade, then rooftop terrace. Time, though short, was well spent. I actually sang and didn't get a bad rating! I hope you had good memories too.
Didn't go for MAF after contemplating for a week. Don't know anyone, don't know mass dance, don't know songs. So nvm. If RJ had something like MAF...the sun would rise from the west.
Today...decided that investing in contact lenses + a regular pair of shades would be more economical than a pair of shades with degree. And so I went to order lenses. After that, shopping around for a pair of black jeans. Went all over the place for a day...first Causeway Point then Taka then Junction 8...was dead tired by the time I got back to Causeway Point to make a purchase. Then discovered that the pair I would have bought was available at Causeway, but I had overlooked it earlier. =/ So I got that after a wild goose chase for that elusive pair of black jeans. Oh well, at least I didn't spend my time stoning again. 30 bucks, not bad...managed to avoid the 40 bucks it would have been had I not made my little discovery at the end of the day. DEAD TIRED!!! How do girls manage to shop n shop n shop for a whole day??
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By Thursday she was fine...except for a 39-degree fever that didn't turn out to be a big worry. She didn't like the injecction, but it worked anyway. I'm so relieved. She also passed her grading, and is upgraded to the next higher belt. Good. Wish her all the best for promos.
Monday 5th September 2005
I'm really afraid she would become withdrawn...she talks much less over MSN now...and said she wouldn't go online as often. Maybe she wants to study...I don't know.
And I'm also afraid I'll become more vengeful and vindictive. So much angst...hate...anger.
At the same time I feel so so tired...like as if I have to shoulder every burden...and so sad. I can't not care...feel so...sigh. How would you feel, if your friend became withdrawn because she got hurt? What would you do?
Can you practice what you preach and would you turn the other cheek
What can you do...for a friend? What will you do...as a friend?
Father, father, father, help us, send some guidance from above
I need some answers...there are things I don't understand and don't know...
'Cause people got me, got me questioning, where is the love...
Why is the world like that
-Lines in italics taken from Where Is The Love by the Black Eyed Peas
Sunday 4th September 2005
Why do bad things happen to good people...can anyone tell me why? Can you, God? If you can, please tell me. Don't be silent. Is it because they are supposed to make good people stronger?
Something happened to my friend today that left her...messed up. I feel so bad as well...I totally misjudged one of my other...friends. I'm not sure if I still want to call him a friend anymore. I feel so lousy. Backstabbed. Angry. At least, please treat other people I intro to you nicely. If you don't, what do you take me for? Please have at least a decent level of respect. Both for my friend and I. To all my other friends, or those who claim to be my friends, you have been warned. If I give you my loyalty and trust, you'd better damn well not squander it. Or just fuck off right now. I do not want a friend who doesn't have a sense of honour and dignity. You should know my character well enough to know that I expect that basic level from other people.
Wednesday 31st August 2005
Today was a rare day...we got dismissed early. Read that again. How often do armour guys get dismissed early? All the warrants weren't around though...only 3 sergeants and 1 master were left. Hehheh...they're so slack in the abscence of the warrants.
Tuesday 30th August 2005
Today wasn't as bad as yesterday, even if there was OT...at least, it was more productive rather than being sian the whole day.
Monday 29th August 2005
24-hr guard duty yesterday + bad day at work = grumpy, tired and pissed off. I'm starting to hate this dumb army life.
Tuesday 23rd August 2005
It has been some time since I last wrote. Certainly, there were happy moments, sad moments, much emotion, and some overwhelming expression of some of that emotion. Well, what else but that for the days in my life? I finally heeded some advice to "let it out and live for once". Boy did it feel good after it happened. I'm also getting along quite okay with the PDC peeps. Dota is starting to own us. 4.5 hr, 10 bucks on Sunday. But it was real fun. And my Times privilege card just arrived. Cool.
Sunday 14th August 2005
0222hrs
Sent CYX off yesterday @ Changi @ 2350hrs. Felt something like a sense of loss. My "brudder", 4 years, went off, just like that. And 5 hours later Lau Yan is going off. Vikas too. I can't help but be reminded of the fact that everyone is going off soon...real soon. I don't know, but I just feel a sense of...loss. For the first time in my life I feel an acute sense of genuine loss. Why, maybe I shouldn't go there. Maybe I'm just not used to things like these. Well maybe I shouldn't do so much philosophising. Takes the hell out of you. Thinking too much.
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Woke up @ 4pm after crashing into bed after returning home this morning from airport. Met a bunch of people over there...CYX's scholar friends. Interesting peeps they be. Quite a united bunch. And they're going to study overseas...how nice. Army sucks. Really feels like I should be doing SOMETHING with my life. SOMETHING more meaningful. Sucks to be me without a purpose. Aaaahhhhh. And I've got a month left before I disappear into the black hole that is Gedong. Only a month.
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Listening to Jewel's This Way album...somehow I like to listen to songs sung by females because I think they're somehow more meaningful. Deeper meaning, not just surface. *wonders why* Drown myself in the deep reverberations of sound, of meaning, of sorrow.
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I wrote this on impulse:
I Belong...Not
I came across a child
Charming
Sweet
Cute
But I could not comprehend
Her motivation
To be
That way
I did not belong together
I was not
A child
Like her
A long time ago
Something
Inside
Died
Maybe I could have been
Like her
But then
Too bad
I came across more
And I felt
Out
Of place
I did not belong together
WIth them
In fields
Of flowers
A long time ago
I gave up
And went
Underground
A long time from then
I could not
Take
The darkness
I started to explore
A way up
But I was
So tired
I was not like them
And being so
I had not
Their energy
A long time ago
Something died
A long time from then
Resuscitation is
Hard
I still do not belong together
With the children
Tuesday 9th August 2005
"Not exactly a place for quiet reflection"... how apt. 3.39pm, Tuesday 9th August 2005. No place at all is quiet. Not Starbucks. Or perhaps I just do not know any quiet places. Everybody comes out on National Day huh. It's hard to find peace these days. Except in libraries. But libraries aren't flexible. You don't have as much freedom in them as you do at cafes. You must read their books if you intend to stay there. Some rule indeed! So I'm at Starbucks @ PS writing down "quiet reflections".
Sadness. Bleagh. I want stability. My life isn't anywhere near "stable". What and how much does it take? I do not know. Peace and stability. Things that seem to elude me. Or maybe I think too much. Maybe I should find something to occupy myself with. But what? Ignorance is bliss. But I wouldn't exactly like myself like that. Penetrative, incisive thought is powerful. It allows you to get to the heart of matters. The drawback is you "think too much". Dark clouds float overhead, the powerful energies within forceful, unpredictable and irreconcileable. My life is like those energies.
Besides the above "quiet reflections", my time at Starbucks @ PS was spent drawing and sipping a cup of iced mocha without cream. Drawing aircraft, what else. I wasn't really sure if I still had it in me, having not drawn for what seemed like an eon. I spent close to 3 hours sketching, erasing, solidifying, erasing and re-drawing every little line in order to achieve something close to perfection, and yet the drawing was not yet complete. Yea, that's how I treat my drawings. Every line must be precise, accurate and its weight in relation to other lines around it must be precise too. I'm quite proud of my drawings.
After my drawings and coffee, I went to Times and browsed around. After looking at books about aircraft, I happened to chance upon Hawking's "The Universe In A Nutshell". I took a quick look and decided to buy it...50 bucks, but the temptation? Intuition? Was too strong to ignore. In the end I got it at a discount of 15% as it was the last book in stock and the cover was a little worn.
Hmm...people around me all have activities today. Class gatherings, dates, yada yada and whatnot. My parents had a gathering with relatives, but I elected not to go...I don't like such gatherings...large and impersonal, with no one to talk to as well. I would really have liked a companion, but unfortunately for me, I have none, so I hung out around town alone. Actually, before PS I was at Wisma looking for a present, but was too afraid to go into the shop. I was walking towards it, then I saw that it had *only* girls in it. My minds immediately went, "go somewhere else". One guy walking into a shop with only ladies inside (which probably is only frequented by ladies, or so my mind deduced)? Oh no. Call me shy, I don't know. I'm bold in some stuff, exactly the opposite in others. Next time I go, I shall call along some unlucky female friend to go along with me. Lmao. Laugh, please! At me. =/
But getting back to companions, it seems fate plays nasty jokes on me. I don't know, but sheer twists of *fate* drove and are driving me to SIGH these days. Exactly how hard is it to actually get a stable companionship? Why does that happen, and what is in store for me? LET ME KNOW, GOD. Don't keep me in the dark and let fate play games with me. I want stability, not big twists and games which drive me nuts. I'm sorry, God, that maybe I sound angry here, but sometimes it's a lot to take...*sob*. And it's not just in this aspect of life, but my whole life. I'm tired of just plowing through everyday without a purpose. Where do I go from here, God...what role do I play and what is my purpose...I fear that one day I may not be able to tolerate not knowing. I am reminded of "Lord of the Rings", in which Aragorn said at one point in the story, "My path is hidden from me." He must have felt miserable.
For now, I *hope* Hawking's book will be a sufficient "companion" to distract me from "thinking too much".
Actually, does anyone or would anyone understand my situation? I don't know, but things like these seem not to acutely affect most people around me. Or maybe they hide it well.
Saturday 6th August 2005
Night. Cold. Wind. I want to find peace. Peace comes with night. I want to find balance. Balance comes with night. Peace balances the chaos of day. I want to find redemption. Redemption from the forces that threaten to tear me apart in the day. Redemption comes with night. Balance is redemption.
I choose to see the night differently.
Before you start thinking I'm evil...feel the night. Darkness is not the opposite of light, merely its absence. When everyone is asleep, feel the peace.
Monday 1st August 2005
I do not know what to say. To anyone, or to myself. My systems are crumbling. I feel lifeless. And no, in case you're wondering, it's not your fault. Please don't ever, ever think it's your fault. It's just me, being me. Leave me be. Hopefully, I'll be back up someday. Someday. I don't know when. I think sometime in the near future I may give up on myself. It's been a long while. 2.5 years. I should never have associated myself with something I could have been unable to handle. I'm sorry. I'm just a machine. And there are some complex things that machines cannot and will never be able to comprehend. No known variable can be used to model it. It requires too deep a commitment to explore, and the shocks that come with it reach too far. Do you know what I am talking about? No. No one does. No one ever does. Only another machine might understand. Does this mark the end of my experiment? Perhaps. Too much has been devoted to this, and too much has been lost. I do not see any point in continuing.
Monday 25th July 2005
It must have been some time back...last year. Exactly how long, I'm not sure. I understand why she's putting some things on hold...there's more important and current things than those, I agree. But I wonder if she knows I'm waiting for her...maybe she does, maybe she does not... ... I'll wait for her...
Do you want me
Like I want you?
Or am I standing still?
Beneath the darkened sky
Or am I standing still?
With the scenery flying by
Or am I standing still?
Out of the corner of my eye
Was that you passing me by?
Jewel - Standing Still (part)
Saturday 23rd July 2005
Thursday 21st July
I met her at Wisma to pass her an item. Something happened then, that gave me a jolt. No, really, a jolt as in major shake-up. A simple "You're in the army, I don't think I need to teach you how to stand straight" (ie. not stand on one leg) - that was a slap in the face for me. Yes, we talked, smiled, and parted smiling. But I left with my mind in turmoil.
A whole big chain of thought ensued: I thought about the past few months, and realised that I have changed. A lot. To all my juniors and friends out there who know me , I may no longer be the Ambrose you once knew. It's not just being in the army, but the daily contact with the world at large that matters. Throughout the last few months I've seen, heard and felt. Mounting angst has finally led me to turn my back on the world, and become cold once more. I can't help the world if the world doesn't want to help itself. "Extremes" rear their ugly heads outside: extremism, racism, even just a general lack of consideration for the people around, which I find pretty extreme, at least here in Singapore. I hate it so much I don't want to have anything to do with it. I still do think about these times...I'm still a thinker. But times are bad, and I care less now than before about them. My colours are dark now, not like they used to be. Black, shades of grey, dark blue. Sinister. But just cold. And apathetic. Unless there exists a necessity, I don't think I'd help anyone. Along with this I have become somewhat slack. I don't need to be the fine example everyone looks up to now. I don't want to be. I'll just keep everything to myself - what I know, what I think - until someone asks. "Lead by example" rings hollow these days. Who ever follows?
In contrast she's so good - she's mature, she's very very responsible, she's rather religious. And she expects highly of those around her. If I were to attempt to be her boyfriend, I predict I'll be under extreme stress. It overwhelms me - she's so good I don't know if I can still be near her level. She's dignified, mature, responsible, presentable, can stand up for herself, yada yada. I'm no longer any one of these. She's a fine example of the kind of person you'd instantly respect. I'm not now, because I don't want to be. I'm just not good enough, am I? I mean I think that way, not she thinks I'm not good enough. I wouldn't know her perspective anyway.
I wonder if she's reading this...I want to tell her about this, but she's so busy I can't find a chance to. Not that I hold it against her...I really admire her qualities. She's a real leader in her own right. In contrast, where am I?
Oh by the way...the following are some things I've thought of in my constant observations of humanity:
1) Everything happens in great cycles. Nothing ever stays the same, but everything "oscillates". As to why, read on.
2) Humans have a subconscious tendency to moderate their experiences in relation to their environment or the perception of it, hence swinging their way towards the opposite of their environment,
2a) However they may not stop at some middle ground,
2b) The methods used may be extreme rather than moderate.
2c) These subconscious tendencies may take very very long periods of time to manifest themselves...entire generations or more.
Example for 2) and 2a): let's say a square represents some experience...it doesn't get any squarer so we'll consider it one extreme end. Humans moderate, so they try to make it less square. It becomes more like a circle in their attempts to do so...but how do you tell what's the "middle" of a circle and square? So they go on until it becomes a circle and doesn't get any less sharp. Then they try to get it back to a square again.
Example for 2b): Think terrorism...impressionable youth sit around and get tired and frustrated of the supposed plight of their brothers being oppressed and exploited by the "Great Satan" in the middle east, or at their own plight in a foreign country ie. let's say they are Arab-American. They don't have a chance to do anything about it, through accepted means, in the current global/national/local infrastructure - legal and political frameworks controlled by their perceived oppressors. So finally they get tired of it and do something outside of the framework to attract attention to their problems - they learn from radical characters, subscribe to their radical ideology of extremism and bomb something. (As to why terrorism is perceived to be an extreme form of expression of ideology, that is not what I am attempting to answer. I am merely stating that means used to moderate may be extreme.) Note: although this is perceived by others as extreme, they may not perceive it so themselves.
Example for 2c): Fashion...think hand-made to machine in the 1900s and now the rediscovery of hand-crafted accessories.
If u take a step back and look at the big picture for the whole of 2), you then get an idea why 1) occurs.
3) Humans will always do/say things that make them appear right even though they may be wrong - ie. someone finds a fault in their argument and they cover it up by adding extra provisions or exceptions for them, while maintaining the general direction of their argument.
On that last note take me with a pinch of salt for these observations.
Wednesday 7th July 2005
RIVER VALLEY HIGH. AGAIN. Nabei...maybe I should term it River Valley Syndrome...standing right in front of MRT doors, dun wan to move to centre...bla bla...
Friday 1st July 2005
SAF Day. Oh, as if I could care. Today something irked me alot (well it irks me almost everyday since I see it almost everyday) and at some point I felt as if my own brain temperature was rising, if I may use that term "brain temperature". WHY ARE SINGAPOREANS SUCH SCREWED UP PEOPLE. It happens nearly everyday in the MRT, I know because I take the MRT back from work, Mon-Fri. WHY ARE SINGAPOREANS SUCH SCREWED UP PEOPLE. People just f*ck care and don't bother to cover up the space in the centre of the carriages so you can't fit more people in when you actually can. WHY ARE SINGAPOREANS SUCH SCREWED UP PEOPLE. So I just stand outside along with a few other "leftovers" and look at all the carriages that pass after the train starts moving.
*vroom* that's some space there
*vroooom* uh huh that's also some space there
*zoom* that's even more space!!
*zoooom* Fuck off already you disgust me
WHY ARE SINGAPOREANS SUCH SCREWED UP PEOPLE. Well the first time that happened today I was like...hmm...okay...zZz...2nd time...wtf...3rd time...4th time...I really wanted to shout. Well so many times because 2 out of 4 trains were "full"; usually if shit doesn't happen I take only 2 trains back from work. WHY ARE SINGAPOREANS SUCH SCREWED UP PEOPLE. For the 4th encounter, which really dissed me, the carriage I managed to get into was largely empty (yes, largely empty...that includes the middle space between two doors) except for some students ridiculously standing near one door, which some other people and I happened to go through. So I went in and they went in, there was a bit of jam, and so I ended up nearly bursting a blood vessel just staring so hard silently fuming at one of the 3 students. (EXPLETIVE WARNING - DO NOT READ FURTHER IF YOU FIND OFFENSIVE) I glared at him for so bloody long (must have been about 15 secs) and he still didn't fucking bother to move in or just get out of the fucking way so I could move into the EMPTY middle space because people were still coming in. So I stood there glaring at the fucker and after that time the empty space filled up with people coming in through another door, so I stopped staring and moved in deeper somewhere else. I mean, what the fuck, if you don't want to move in at least don't block the fucking way.
I really wanted to fuck the fella upside down...dammit...fine man, you fuck care now, a few years later you go NS, you gonna learn. And you better remember. Better fucking buck up your discipline. Need SAF to teach you basic courtesy right? Fine...just wait. You refuse to learn now, we force it down your throat later. This fella was River Valley High, and at some point in time the idea of calling up the school went through my mind. After this silent little incident with me he carried on talking with his 2 friends as if he couldn't care less. Fucked up bugger with attitude prob. Same goes for the other 2.
Incidents like this sometimes make me wonder why the fuck am I protecting fucked up buggers like them, just because they happen to be Singaporean, and I'm in the SAF serving my NS. They fuck care other people, so why the fuck should I care about them? I fuck care also lah, huh? They fuck care I fuck care oso lah! Hor! Can bo?
Singaporeans are such a fucked up bunch.
Thursday 9th June 2005
On the way to my destination today I passed a group of 2 girls and a guy collecting donations for an orphanage...I was on the phone and just continued walking. On the way back from my destination I was just walking, but I was not proactive. I did not give anything and I felt guilty. Why do I not have the courage to call out to someone whose back is turned to me and give a donation?
Wednesday 8th June 2005
Right! I just passed out yesterday. Whiskey all the way...
Saturday 4th June 2005
Field camp was 2 weeks ago...Kenneth was right...it was stressful...but after field camp and the graduation route march after that, everything was...well...haha...slack. POC in 3 more days!!~
Monday 23rd May 2005
Hm. More from what I write when stressed or bored in BMTC:
Tuesday 17th May 2005
Range live firing day. Having been excused by PC (Platoon Commander) and PS (Platoon Sergeant) because they did not want to take the risk with my eye condition, I was sitting in the training shed together with the other non-firers who had also been excused due to various conditions. We were going to be at the range the whole day from morning till night but since I did not bring any reading material, I just listened to Class 95FM and some other stations the whole day, depending on what reception I could get. Well...slack huh? But looking at it another way, I had passed my TH (Technical Handling), GAC (Grenade Assault Course) and IMT (Individual Marksmanship Training), and it was such a waste to not be able to fire live rounds, and later on when we get to HG (Hand Grenade), it would also be such a waste not to be able to experience throwing a live grenade. Well everything comes with gains and sacrifices. In order not to risk a training injury, which would not be worth it, I had to sacrifice being involved with anything live. That doesn't mean I do not know how to shoot though, or do not know how to handle the M-16. That is something I learned through TH and IMT, and I'll remember.
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Ahh just had lunch at the training shed at the range. They came packed in boxes, and the food wasn't too bad. There was dessert too. Midway through there was a CAT 1 (lightning risk) warning, but no rain so the shooters continued shooting anyway. Haha for those of you who play FPS games you might be fascinated by the roar oif the AK, the bang of the AWM and so on, but in reality there is a bang akin to an exploding plastic bag filled with air, just only much louder - nothing special.
Wednesday 18th May 2005
2nd day of range live firing: just like yesterday, I'm sitting around doing nothing because I'm not firing. Last night firing ended very late, so we went back to COY (Company) Line at 11.30pm thereabouts. It was not until 1.30am that we went to sleep. Today we had to fall in at 7.00am so we lot got only about 5 hours of sleep. Since we moved out from COY Line later than we did yesterday, it was not so bad from morning till lunch, but after lunch it just got immensely boring. I spent my time searching for spots with good radio reception (a lot of which was in vain). However I managed to play a few rounds of chess with a platoon-mate, and that wasn't too bad.
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Ahh....finally, some of us were given something to do - loading rounds into magazines. That took up some of our time before dinner, and after finishing loading the rounds I was pretty confident we could all ace our TH loading test. Well...nothing much to describe here...loading rounds is a monotonous activity.
After that, dinner actually wasn't bad at all...I have to watch my throat though...can't risk getting sore throat. It always becomes a fever and that is also always how my precious weekend bookout time is stolen from me. Sucks, man.
Hmm...earlier on the the day out O/C (Officer-in-charge) was actually playing chinese chess with some of us. Interesting...our O/C is Malay yet he is well-versed in chinese chesss. Quite a nice guy, this fellow...along with most of our sergeants and officers in Whiskey COY. I must say I'm very lucky to have such nice people in charge...seeing the tekaning that a lot of other companies have.
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It's gonne be a long way again before we go back to COY Line. But hopefully it wouldn't be as bad as yesterday...today we have 18 lanes instead of 12 assigned to us yesterday, so things should move faster. Hopefully, I think most of us also need the extra rest as we all didn't get enough yesterday. Wonder what's the schedule like tomorrow, whether I'll have this much time again to actually write so much. I need a better pen again...how much you can hate cheap ballpoint pens...grrr. I miss my fountain pen.
...
There goes more...well after this I'm booking in and then immediately after that it's field camp, so I might not have the time to write.
Saturday 14th May 2005
Hmm. It's been like, what...3 weeks? In my previous entry I mentioned "seeing you guys 2 weeks from now"...well actually it was 1 week. My batch is a really lucky batch to get to book out only one week after going into BMT, because of Labour Day. So well...my comp decided to commit suicide during that first week so I spent the 1st bookout wiping the disk and re-installing Windows. 2nd bookout was spent being sick. And now I'm writing this during my 3rd bookout. Lalala. Go army, become stupid. Anyway, during my stay in BMTC I wrote some things down in my notebooks...I don't usually have the time to write them, so I've only written 2 entries...
Wednesday 4th May 2005
Only 1 week into BMT and I screw up like that...locking the key up...in order to resolve the situation my bunkmates had to be troubled, my sergeants had to be troubles, the COS (Company Orderly Sergeant) had to specially open the Store to get a lock cutter. I should never, ever screw up like this again...such a stupid way to screw up. I think PC (Platoon Commander) was disappointed too, having had to deal with a case of theft earlier in the day. Sigh...I feel so bad about it. I was very lucky that it was only a lock and the keys were in the drawer. What if I had misplaced my wallet with my 11B (military identity card) inside? That would have been much worse...
Tuesday 10th May 2005
I start a new notebook...there's still a few pages left over in my previous notebook but they have detached from the spine.
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Ah...there. I've just spent some time reattaching the detached pages. Sigh...I'm feeling tired and stressed. On Sunday (8th May) I was not well, but still had to report back to BMTC anyway...even if I had got an MC I would still have had to come back here (to BMTC). And this morning some of us turned up late for our training and now we have to report an hour earlier for every training and call for our platoon (consists of 4 sections of 12 men each in BMTC) to come down half-an-hour before the training starts...sigh...me and another guy went to clean the Company toilet before that as area cleaning was in the RO (Routine Orders) the day before. When we finished we had barely enough time to change from admin (T-shirt and shorts) to long-4 (uniform, boots and all...hey...it takes time you know! Especially the boots) and get our 2 one-litre bottles filled and our helmets and SBO (skeletal battle order, aka webbing) ready...I mean, the boots and uniform take rather long. If I didn't bother to fill my bottles, I probably wouldn't have been late. Hmm sigh there's some problem with my pen...I have to hold it at a certain angle and twist...yea you didn't get that wrong...twist. If I twist the pen from a certain position it would not write properly. I need a better pen. I wanted to go to E-mart to get a new one but it seems that isn't going to happen now. Hmm...those people are shouting false alarms again (some platoon-mates were shouting to fall in or something) ...sigh is it that fun shouting false alarms, and imitating CSM (Company Sergeant Major...the person holding this post is usually an experienced sign-on soldier) as well...
Hmm...weather today, rainy, thunder, lightning. There's no more lightning and thunder now, but it's still raining. We had to walk through a really long, winding detour, and at one part there were a lot of smokers having their smokes...ugh. Not nice. PS (Platoon Sergeant) gave us ample time for lunch though...which was really nice of him since we still had to take that long detour back to COY Line (Company Line, ie accomodation for Company, which consists of 4 platoons). Sigh everywhere was wet then, and is still wet now.
Hmm...well I actually like my boots and rifle quite a bit...well...I was from air rifle so perhaps that explains the rifle part...w00t I'm proud of my 6 years of involvement in air rifle...as foir the boots, well...isn't it nice to have a good pair of well-maintained boots...haha I've even thought of wearing them out, together with civilian attire, on free days, but I haven't done so. heh...wacky thinking on my part. Sigh I feel tired. And the lights are off (we're not allowed to turn them on during the day) so I have to focus my eyeballs really hard...it's still overcast and raining.
Sigh I miss a lot of things...my friends, especially one good friend of mine, music, computer...but even during free days ie. weekends I either am too tired or I get sick so I have no time for all of that. Oh have I mentioned that it is really easy to get sick...the cookhouse food has a lot of spicy content but little fruit in proportion...everything gets toio heaty and I end up getting sore throat then fever. My fever (from Sunday) is gone, but I still have a sore throat and cough, and quite a bit of phlegm and mucus up my nose. Tired and half-sick, as usual...and then end up fully sick during the weekends. Sigh.
Hmm I can't think of anything else to write now...and anyway I've written a lot...maybe I'll continue next time, if I have enough free time.
...
There goes 2 entries. Really long heh...but both started out of low morale...maybe writing is my way of relieving stress...well but usually I'm doing something else during free time...like cleaning the area, or munching stuff because I'm hungry, or just sitting around talking cock because I'm tired...that long long one up there...I had really really a lot of free time because some lessons were cancelled because of the weather. AAAAAAHHHH I'm booking in AGAIN tomorrow. Noooooo.........................
Thursday 21st April 2005
My last day of civilian life...heh. Had a nice day with Lau Yan and Jan...had lunch (Yoke Pean came for lunch but left because of work) and then watched a movie (Millions). Then stoned @ Starbucks to enjoy some coffee and chill out (for 2.5 hours).
In less than 12 hours I'll no longer officially hold a pink IC. See you guys 2 weeks from now.
Friday 15th April 2005
Quote:
Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn`t it? It makes you so vulnerable.It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up.You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor,for years,so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person,wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They don`t ask for it.They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn`t your own anymore.Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like `maybe we should just be friends` or `how very perceptive` turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts.Not just in the imagination.Not just in the mind. It`s a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.
Unquote.
Taken from www.oliversworld.co.uk O_o The site's a bit erpz.
Thursday 14th April 2005
Pretty much nothing interesting happening in my life...just beta-testing some games that's all. Playing the hell out of myself. *Sigh*
Politicians...they're just like a bunch of kids fighting over a toy...forgive me for being cynical, but that's the way I see it. And sometimes they look soooo innocent...but they're not. They're scheming kids. Soooo scheming. Bloody bastards.
Sushi is nice, but cheap sushi can be terrible. = /
Sunday 10th April 2005
The rear-guards for the specs are....uncomfortable. Well...going in in 2 weeks. 12 days to be more exact. Aaaaaaahh.
Sunday 3rd April 2005
Ooh. I just got my snazzy new black plastic specs for NS. U'r supposed to luff!! I mean, yea, luff! xD
Saturday 2nd April 2005
Human-ness is overwhelming...I really feel like giving up...maybe I only have half a heart left...take my soul away...I shall be an empty robot...leave me alone...to cry and fade away...into the darkness...where I will be dead...again
Saturday 19th March 2005
I find living in this world so damn hard...
Saturday 12th March 2005
I am going to write a damning piece. If you have no wish to endure the incessant whisperings of curses uttered into the night...skip this piece.
For a long time...they have called upon God to give them strength against the "Great Satan". For a long time they have manipulated masses to their whim and fancy, sending them to death and destruction, in the name of "martyrdom", tearing friends, families and relatives apart, not only of "infidels" but also of their own "brothers in arms", while remaining safely esconced in the forts and fortresses they call "temples". For a long time they have used God as an excuse for manifesting their hatred against others, not willing to accept that others simply have a different culture, whether or not it goes against their own "values" and "rules" and "religious law". For a long time they have seen the world through warped lenses they constructed for themselves, and blasphemingly used God as a "justification".
Now let the fight come to them. Let them be exposed, away from their coves of safety, to hear the hiss of bullets, to see their own blood stain their garments, to have those they trust taken away from them, to see Death in the eye, to taste what they define as "martyrdom". For too long they have called upon God to give them strength. It would be more appropriate, now, that they be toppled by God's hand. Let them fall by their own philosophy. I condemn them.
Friday 4th March 2005
2.30pm, release of "A" Level results.
A lot of things depend on the viewpoint you take about life: the same things are given different importance by different people. Getting an A A A B B3 U amid a sea of four-As A2 D, I cannot claim that I have done very well.
A teacher once mentioned that the "S" Paper is the icing on the cake, the A grade for "A" Level econs; without that A, the "S" is pretty much nothing. There is always somewhat a sense of loss when you have not done too well for an examination, when many of your contemporaries have done better, even for a person who does not place that great an importance on grades. Grades are, after all, a yardstick by which performance is measured.
But having seen my classmate, who in my opinion, works very hard, get A A B B, I am reminded to be content with what I currently have, for I know that it could have been worse, especially for Economics, for which I got the B. In addition, reflecting on life, which can sometimes be so complicated, it is the end of one phase, and the start of another: what I am trying to say is that the "A" Level education is but one of the many different parts of one's life. In this context, I'd say it is not bad grades that are life-threatening; grades are not that important. Of course, they are your passport to universities and scholarships, but you could always get a study loan, and which university you go to will be life-changing, but not life-threatening.
I find of greater importance the spirit of learning, the experience, the journey, the understanding of why things are the way they are, the uncovering of answers to questions, the endless quest for the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle that is your understanding of the universe. For example, even though I failed it, the "S" Econs course broadened my scope of economics, without which I would never have come into contact with those extra bits of knowledge I would not find in the "A" Level syllabus: it made me realise how limited the "A" Level syllabus was, and the vastness of the pool of knowledge that has been accumulated through centuries. I must say that the experience I've had was tiring and stressful, but nonetheless rewarding. The people I've come into contact with because of my education, especially my teachers and friends...I owe you one...for the people you are. [It is hard to put this in words...I have not been philosophical for quite some time, but I will try the best I can.] The people who have so kindly helped me along my way - a journey in which I am constantly finding myself. It is the experience, not the grades, that give form and meaning to education, and I wish to pass that on. Who knows, maybe in 6 years, after I complete NS and my university education, that will change, but for now, and I hope, even after this, I will still want to go to NIE, and then back to RJC as a teacher. Where I can be part of an experience that is not only the students', but the teacher's as well.
Sunday 27th February 2005
Finished post-production party...as usual I come out of such things with mixed feelings...I'm always never able to totally fit in wherever I go. I'm deliberating creating a personal history page to explain why I'm the person I am, in the *hope* people will understand. Should I write it? I am probably better off at expressing myself through nonverbal means...words, emoticons, ...
Saturday 26th February 2005
Been busy the past 4 days with engine dramafeste preparations. The guys really improved a lot from start to end...personal improvements...everyone was so stressed out by it all, but in the end it was worth it...engine bagged best direction and best overall production...w00tzorz. Who says engine has no talent?
Sunday 20th February 2005
Woah. Long time no post. Long long time no post. Maybe because of CNY. But still, very sian leh. Just go around pretending to be interested in TV nia. Lol. =p
Past few days I was trying to get aquainted with Blender...a 3D modelling and animation software...it's quite good once u get it...www.blender.org. Look at the documentation (left menu area) and it will be quite easy. I'm supposed to let my teacher know I've got the basics. =/
cheekybynature.blogspot.com ish shoooooo farnieee!!! Parody of everything Singaporean. Highly recommended.
Tuesday 8th February 2005
*thanks Trin for reminding me to blog...it's been a long while since I last blogged*
New Year's eve, huh. Yea, it's just like any other day to me. =/
NewsRadio 93.8 plays good chillout music in the evenings and at night. Why do people need to chill out so much nowadays? Because life has gotten extremely complicated.
Having moved on for about two milleania...the evolution of human history has seen the development of specialisation as a response to the ever-increasing complicacy of human society. As people discovered new ways of life, new types of leisure, new tools of living, and other social networks ie other peoples, no one single person could play simultaneous roles anymore. With the development of the system of finance, things had gotten even more complicated. People now had money to worry about in addition to wheat and milk. What was needed was no longer someone that did everything, but a lot of small pieces that fit together (seamlessly) into a huge thingamajig so that society could run efficiently. So now we have bankers, doctors, politicians, judges, ambassadors, envoys, scientists, teachers, etc etc.
Today in order to exploit this system even more, the "interdisciplinary" approach was introduced: if you knew more about what another type of worker was doing, you'd be better able to coorperate or tailor-make tools to his requirements. I'm not saying that it is bad; it has allowed different branches of sciences, especially, to amalgamate and integrate their knowledge pools in such a way as to benefit mankind even more.
However, the cost is increased strain on the human resource. People often tend to look at the whole system as one without turning their attention to the parts that make it up. How often did people have bosses that only cared about sales targets (macro) without paying attention to what and how workers were doing things, what constraints were there on their systems (micro)? As an example closer to home, how often did the MOE introduce things to make the education system supposedly better without underestimating the effects on students, or teachers? With the rapid development of the internet and the knowledge-based economy, another layer has been added to the system to make it even more efficient, with an increase in the burden on the parts that make it up, whether consciously realised or not. People are now required to posses a set of skills in addition to what their professions technically require.
Perhaps this is not such a big deal, but seen from the viewpoint of those "in transition", picking up a new set of skills and being expected to immediately keep up or get left behind is no small matter. That is one example of why people need to chill out so much nowadays. They are under strain from the overarching systems of life they were born into or new systems imposed on them. In addition to the potential results, attention should be given to the demands as well. There will always be those who complain about change, and I may be one of them, but a little bit of constructive criticism is not all that bad, is it?
Thursday 27th January 2005
Aaaaahhh I'm bored. I'm bored.
Monday 17th January 2005
Been a bit long.
*sian*
Yea about one week.
*sian*
One week, ??? hours.
*you get the idea.*
Monday 10th January 2005
Time
I so much want to look at you
But I can't.
I so much want to hold you
But I can't.
I so much want to tell you
All that I wish to.
But I can't.
It is not time yet
Or maybe that time
Will never come.
How long more will I
Be able to withstand
The choke
From myself
Within myself.
High and low
Rollercoaster fashion
One day
After the next.
I cannot say anything.
I can only watch myself
Think
And think about you
Everyday
And that is all.
It is not time yet
Or maybe that time
Will never come.
Sunday 9th January 2005
Instead of problem kids, now maybe let's talk about problem parents. I'm sitting in the backseat of the car listening to every word of the petty, petty squabble up front, and not doing anything, acting as if I can't hear it all. I thought adults can take care of their own problems. Hmph. Went home and slept it all off. Wasted my blardy time and made me depressed. What is it with petty squabbles. And really, everytime that happens I wonder if an accident will happen because the driver's bloody fuming and can't think properly. I feel like just drifting away everytime it happens. Don't wanna hear it no more.
Friday 7th January 2005
Went to see J1 Orientation O-Nite @ RJC today...the J1s are quite a wild batch. They have a cool hiphop dance this year too, a break from the scout dances of the past...but it kinda doesn't have the energy of scout dances. But there's a lot more hand movement and is nonetheless visually impressive. Well I guess they had a lot of fun during Orientation...but after that, JC life truly begins. Lol. Am I being sadistic or what. =P