Updated – June 26, 1998
REVOLUTION
Chapter 1 - Part D
Katherine Moore warily punched the last words of her message in. Resentful, she stared at her words, hating them all. It’s orders, she repeatedly reminded herself. Half-heartedly, Moore activated her personal encryption program, coding the message. It wasn’t even worth coding, just generic and unimportant events from around the ship and her day.
Katherine Moore no longer even wanted to know if anything aboard the ship was worth reporting. God, she hated this, but orders were orders. All of it led back to the Admiral. She had a deep respect for Admiral Devaney; he was almost like a father too her. But these orders were putting a strain on their friendship. It was one thing to act against the enemy or threats, but now she wasn’t sure who or what these was.
She’d already begun bending the rules, a bit at a time. She was damn close to breaking them in two. That was why she was here now, alone when she didn’t have to be, when she didn’t want to be.
Hearing the barracks doors open, she quickly sealed and sent the message off to the Admiral’s piles of surveillance. The primary team’s medic, Aaron Grace, walked in yawning and looking rather drained.
Nodding to her, he quietly walked over and climbed up onto his bunk, above hers.
Looking up at the doctor for a moment, then back at what she’d finished doing, she rolled her eyes. She really needed to talk to someone.
Standing up, she walked over to Grace and said, “Aaron?”
Tiredly, he turned over and looked at her. “Katherine, I just spent ten hours reviewing Debrockian physiology, medicine, and their religious aspects. I’m drained.”
Quietly, Moore stepped back, apologizing.
As she turned to leave, Aaron Grace pulled himself up, groaning. “No, wait, I’m sorry. If you’re finally in the mood to talk, I’m here to help.”
“You can tell?”
Smiling a little, he responded, “You’re so penned up, you look like you’re about to explode.”
Looking down, Moore found she couldn’t disagree.
Jumping down, he took a seat on her bunk, “Well, I’m here.”
Thinking for a moment, she laughed, shaking her head. “I can’t believe I’m doing this.”
He just gave her a sympathetic look and waited.
Pulling a chair over, she sat down. “Okay, I have to warn you, I’m coming to you as a confessor. So this has to stay between us, okay?” She peered at him with a serious, but desperate, look, waiting for his assent.
“Sure.”
Closing her eyes, she said what had been on her mind, but she hadn’t had the will to own up to yet, “I’m starting to find myself attracted…to someone on board.”
Leaning in close, he quietly said, “You mean Captain Samarra.”
Moore quickly opened her eyes, a little upset. “You could at least have acted like you didn’t know or weren’t sure. Am I that obvious?”
He slowly shook his head. “Not really, especially compared to how he reacts to you. It is starting to be moderately perceptible though. You either aren’t as good at hiding your true self as I’d thought, or you haven’t been trying that hard.”
Putting her head in her hands, she vehemently said, “Oh, God. How pathetic have I been acting?”
“Do you mean by my or Gatrinis’s standards?” Pausing for a moment, he tried to see a little further into her problems. “This isn’t all of it, right? I can’t believe you’d go through all of this because you’re falling in love.”
Looking up and away, she grumpily said, “Who said anything about love, he’s just cute and distracting.”
Moving past her defensiveness, he continued, “Fine, but there is more to this.”
A hurt and anguished look passed over her face as she looked back at Grace. “Yes there is.” She stopped, she knew she had to confide all that was happening to her to someone, it was killing her. “Slowly, and unwillingly, I’ve found myself getting closer to the Captain…” She paused for a moment, thinking about him. “…to John. Anyway, even before that, Admiral Devaney asked, well, ordered me to keep an eye out for any threats or risks to security aboard the ship. This wasn’t a problem for me. You know me, I love taking out Klingon spies and saboteurs, whoever. Now when I came aboard I wasn’t to fond of John…” As Grace gave her a look, she paused. “Okay, maybe not, but the Admiral had given me enough a bad impression of him that I was just looking for him to be a cloaked villain. I’ve always had faith in the Admiral and his instincts, but he wasn’t. John was friendly, nice, and…cute and I just knew I shouldn’t like him. But, I found myself getting to know John, respecting him, and…becoming friendly. That was when things started to get difficult. It wasn’t easy to see Devaney so wrong. But being the good little soldier I am, I told Devaney and also told him about my opinion of him. Namely how good a captain he is and how much I was growing to trust him. Well, the Admiral has his own opinions, and is generally more stubborn then even I can be. So, he wanted me to keep him informed of what John said to me, when we were alone.”
Carefully observing her, Grace asked, “You’ve been doing that?”
Uncomfortably, Moore shifted in her seat and really wished she could stop now, but she knew she had to get the whole story out. “At first, I’m a good little soldier after all and I’ve never refused the Admiral’s orders. But at first we didn’t really talk about nontrivial things, no big deal. That’s what I told myself at least. But it didn’t stay that way. He got into more personal things, and so did I. He said things that I doubt he’d want anyone else to know.” She shook her head. “I couldn’t betray his trust, anymore. So, I started…omitting things from my reports.”
Surprised, the doctor exclaimed, “Katherine. You’ve actually been falsifying reports. I’d hate to see what you’d do over someone you were in love with.”
“I’m not to proud of either side of that coin, to spy or to lie. It wasn’t too hard though, it just left me feeling a little guilty. I don’t like hiding things from Devaney. I still thought it was worthwhile, to protect his and our privacy. But John and I kept getting closer and…”
“You wouldn’t want to end up chronicling any budding relationship.”
“Or justify it to the Admiral. You could say that.” Sighing, she sat back, putting her hands through her long hair. “A few weeks ago, when he gave me that rose I realized I was going to be forced to choose between having a relationship with John and following my orders. Their is no way a relationship with a starship captain wouldn’t get back to Devaney and I won’t spy on John.”
“So, you chose Starfleet over the captain.”
Hurt, she quickly disagreed. “No! That’s not it at all. I chose John’s privacy and my oath to do my duty. It was a necessary sacrifice.”
Reaching under her pillow, he pulled out a crystal sphere with a rose in it. It was the flower John had given her. She’d discretely had it set in crystal after he’d given it to her, one last momento. Moore wasn’t thrilled to have it in someone else handling it. It was comparable to having someone handling her inner most feelings. Of course getting agitated now wouldn’t help.
Grace quietly nodded, then said, “You’ve sacrificed a lot. You’ve already disobeyed orders and now you’ve turned your back on your heart. At least I now understand why you have been this way, I’m sorry. Now, I have to say something. Some might think what you’re doing is noble, I’m not one of them. Truthfully, it’s seems stupid to me. I’m just trying to be honest. I, for one, doubt I could ever choose Starfleet over love.”
Trying to be sarcastic, she said, “Hey, you’re married.”
Seriously, he peered into her eyes. “If Andrea and my daughter asked me to choose between Starfleet and them, I’d be heading home tomorrow. Yes, I know it’s different, but how far will you go for Starfleet? You don’t seem convinced of the validity of the admiral’s decision, so why do this? I guess I just don’t understand.”
The two sat quietly, thinking about their predicaments for a minute.
Grace curiously asked, “Couldn’t you just tell the Captain what’s happen?”
Sadly, Moore said, “I could breach my orders. It probably would get me in a hell of a lot of trouble, and would be betraying the Admiral. Maybe I could do that, but what would John say? ‘Oh you’ve been spying on me? No big deal. It happens.’ Come on.”
“I think it’s more understandable then you think, especially with you involved.”
Quizzically looking at him, she said, “I’ll assume that was a compliment, Aaron. But, no. This way…maybe, I don’t know, maybe I can quietly and slowly drift back into his life.” She quickly looked up, then uneasily said, “Okay, I’m winging, I’ll admit it.”
“It’s only going to be harder later.”
Annoyed, she flared, saying, “How? How are things going to be any different later, then now?”
Taking her hand, he quietly looked at his teammate. “Katherine, you’re an arrogant, stubborn, overly determined, passionate and unrelenting young woman. You’re in love with a man who feels just as strongly for you as you do for him, you’re pretty lucky to have that. Call me a romantic, but you aren’t giving up on him, no matter what you say. It’s not who you are, you aren’t a quitter. You want him, you love him, face it. Whether it’s orders, Devaney, or Starfleet, I think you’re fighting to find a way to get around them. I hope and think you will. So, when you do and you two are…intimate, do you want these reports resurfacing? That’ll be bad, real bad.”
Rolling her eyes, Moore incredulously said, “What a bunch of hypothetical psychobabble. Come on. If…If I had or would ever go on with this, I’d end up betraying someone important to me. I’m in control here and now and I have no intention of letting it go.”
Nodding, Grace said, “Okay, it’s just advice. Be honest with yourself, you’re letting this get worse then it has to be. That’s all I’m really saying.”
“Good.” Pausing she looked at Grace for a second, letting out her breath. Sincerely, she said, “Look, thanks for listening, Aaron. I just needed someone to listen to me rant and rave. It’s nothing personal.”
Gently smiling, he said, “Hey, it’s my pleasure. Besides, it gives me some practice for when my daughter gets older.” Pausing, he thought for a moment. Putting the crystal back, he stood and looked at Moore. “Listen, I’m suddenly in the mood to contact her. Just think about what I’m saying, Katherine.”
Smiling, she stood to, saying, “Sure. I think I’m going to take a quick shower and do some target practice with Gatri. Hopefully that’ll expend some of this excess energy.”
Turning, she left Grace to his communiqué. Walking through the doorway to the head, she began to think some more about their conversation. Did she have any plan? Being moody, reclusive, and avoiding John, that didn’t seem like plan. Well, at least she was finally thinking about what she was going to do.
She really…cared for him. She wasn’t going to call it love, not in this lifetime. She stopped, closed her eyes, and thought again about that. Maybe she could call it that, if she wasn’t hiding and spending some much of her time vilifying her feelings for him. Maybe, if she tried to proceed with their friendship, she could bend the rules, a little, again. Then maybe they could…no! She didn’t want to do this; it wasn’t going to work out that way. It wasn’t fair, but this was how it was. She just wanted to have him around, to talk and converse. She could be happy with that, right? God, this was complicated. This isn’t fair. At least Debrock would give her plenty of downtime to work this out and try to resolve things with the Captain.
*****
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