Hi dad. Thought I'd drop you a line.
Things aren't going all that great right now,
and I realized today that I don't have you to talk to anymore.
I always could before, but now it's not possible.
Well? I figure this part of life I wasn't ready for,
and sure do need your guidance.
You always had the right suggestions and answers for me.
You'd been there before, and now I have to go it alone.
I'm not making all the right decisions,
but I'm not giving up either.
If you can hear me from up there?
I sure could use your loving hand right now.
Thanks dad, for always being there before.
I love you.
8/6/2002
My foot dangling over the edge of a step
freezing in my tracks
as I automatically head to the basement
with my empty glass.
Vodka awaits
or is it the release?
Should I eat something
or go to bed?
I pause and think.
What do you really want to do Michael?
I want to feel no pain.
I want to forget.
I want to blend into nothingness.
I want everything,
all the hurt,
disappointment to me and to others
to just go away.
I descend.
Dreams await and the pain will subside.
I can't make the world right any more.
I've lost control.
The world, for now, controls me.
7/1/2002
Sitting across a table
from a lovely woman as she speaks
following the words so carefully chosen
yet the eyes told a different tale.
Pain and past suffering
meant an eye cast above and to the side
many times those eyes diverted
I sat and watched, and felt inside.
So much beauty now escaping
it's a lovely thing to see
I pray the past will no longer haunt her
and her heart remains set free.
Let loose the shackles of the past
let your beauty shine forth this way
I can feel it in your twinkling smile
and in the words you speak this day.
Were you not another's lover
were your heart still free for me
I could have whisked you away from that table
an introspect of a captured moment
for us both to see and be.
7/11/2001
She stood before the shuttered window
and wondered what to do.
Though she couldn't hear it
his voice spoke softly through.
I'm the window you may stare out without fear.
I'm the window that will love you without end.
I'm the window that will not criticize nor judge.
I'm the window you only need to open,
to feel the cool and comforting breath of love on your tender flesh.
7/9/2001
I am a Caregiver.
Didn't dawn on me until this tender age,
yet as I think back, even unto my childhood memories.
I'm a Caregiver.
I've cherished all that have been before me,
tried to understand them,
and done my best to mend their hurt,
physical or mental.
It has led to sorrow and hurt for my family,
but they dont' understand,
I'm a Caregiver.
My occupations,
ambitions,
and deepest longings,
are to be a Caregiver.
It is why I live,
don't take it away from me,
or I'll die.
5/10/2001
Two little boys played baseball in the back.
I climbed the fence, wishing to join them.
Waving to them, a smile of eager childishness,
anticpation of a fun game we'd have.
A call to me over my shoulder?
"Grandmudder? I have to come back?"
"Why?"
"We don't play with those kind honey.",
her voice tender, almost sad.
It wasn't til years later I understood,
why I couldn't play with the little boys.
She was a lovely woman, and loved everyone.
yet she bent to an ugly fear.
I know now why her voice was sad,
and why she called me back.
She knew that all I saw were two little boys,
but the two little boys were black.
But the good new is,
she gave me hope,
that in a different circumstance,
I could play with those I want to,
choosing where,
and with whom,
I'd dance.
4/22/2001
How beautiful is the lowly Dandelion flower?
Not VERY you may say?
How beautiful does that lowly little yellow flower become,
when presented to you in the loving hands of a tiny child,
given with genuine love and happiness?
It becomes as beautiful as the most delicate rose,
as precious and fragile as any orchid,
as full of love as any bouquet you've ever received.
Does it not?
How beautiful is your smile?
Not VERY you may say?
But, my dear friend!
It can be as wonderful as the most captivating flower.
Present your smile with genuine love and sharing.
Mean it when you smile! Let your heart show through!
You will NOT believe the power of that simple,
genuine,
caring gesture!
Try it.... you'll be amazed at the results it produces in your friends, and in YOU.
06/09/2000
The gentle evening raindrops mix with your perfume.
A dance and song of nature's harmony,
bids me a sense of love,
closeness and expectancy.
The white hot blaze of lightning strikes burn me with desire.
Dare I touch you?
My heart lies before you,
to be snuffed as a mere candle,
or consumed by your hidden desires.
My heart pounds uncontrollably,
your movement so unclear,
your words playing with my mind.
End my longing with your sweet kiss.
Wrap your silken arms around my waist and let us be one.
02/08/2000
My heart plundered,
I await a sweet word from thee.
Whisper a melody to my heart,
one that no one shall hear but me.
Melt me,
mold me,
devour my soul and make me part of you.
On this eve of destruction,
my eve of ecstacy released.
02/02/2000
I look into your eyes,
not too deeply,
lest I drown in their love.
I look at your lips,
oblivious to the sound that comes forth,
it's their sweetness that holds me.
My ears deceive me,
only hearing what I long to hear,
hoping that you feel as I do.
I wait,
and wait,
for eternity if it must be.
It is worth my time,
I'm a very patient person.
You are worth it.
01/24/2000
Have you ever felt like you have been emptied?
It's all you can do just to get out of bed.
There is nothing RIGHT for you to give,
from your heart,
your mind,
your body,
and even your soul?
Then someone comes along and touches you somehow.
You break free from that gloomy fog,
wrestle the cobwebs from your hidden smile,
shake your head and come alive again!
That is the power of renewed love and friendship,
from someone touching you to your core.
Someone who sees your desperation,
decides you are worth saving,
and fills your self-worth tank full of energy.
Thanks my friend!
9/16/99
Hidden by the leaves of the drooping tree,
I watched them move slowly along,
hands clasped together and arms caressing.
They look so in love,
they share the same breath,
dreams and passions are one now.
Yet I wonder,
what I could have done different to be the one beside,
filled with a hope of a bright tomorrow,
and being consumed by that deep a love.
I will rejoice at their happiness,
marvel at a love so wonderful.
My time is yet to come,
I will have my satisfaction and passion fulfilled,
it was promised to me.. this happiness as a child.
Momma said so.
7/9/99
I rejoice in my loves,
I don't regret my errors,
I revel in learning life's secrets.
If I were perfect? How boring life would be.
If I knew everything, where would life's challenge be?
So I took the rocky path of life,
ready to accept it's ups and downs.
I met my trials as best I could,
and never wished to hurt another soul intentionally.
I am a gentle soul by nature, and ask you to accept that.
When I encounter those opposite me,
I am mystified.
How shallow their pitiful lives must be.
How empty their passing will be.
Tell me now?
Whose end shall you mourn?
4/27/99
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