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"Little Johnny" Jokes
This kindergarten teacher was taking her class to the zoo for a field trip. They came to the cage for the zebra:
TEACHER: Who can tell me what animal this is?
BILLY: Well, it looks like a horse, has black and white stripes. Must be a zebra.
TEACHER: Very good, Billy.
They come to the elephant.
TEACHER: Class, who can tell me what animal this is?
JANE: It has big feet, is very big and has a trunk. Is it an elephant?
TEACHER: Very good, Jane.
They come to the baboon cage.
TEACHER: who can tell me what animal this is?
No response.
Finally Little Johnny raised his hand reluctantly.
TEACHER: OK. Johnny, would you like to try? LITTLE JOHNNY: Well, it has a big belly and has a lot of hair all over, and has a stupid look on his face... must be a truck driver.
Little Johnny was sitting in classroom doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with a gun, how many would there be left?"
"None," replied Johnny, "because the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," the teacher said nervously, "I guess it's the one sucking her cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "it's the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you're thinking."
Thanks Crazy Pickle
A fifth grade teacher is told she must teach sex education to her class. She decides to use a math technique to teach the subject, and thinks flash cards will work well.
The next day in class, she holds up the first flash card, a picture of a breast, and asked "does anyone know what this is?"
Little Suzie responds-"I know, I know! It's a picture of a breast and my mommy has two of them!"
The teacher says "very good Suzie, you get a star for the exercise"
The teacher grabs the next card and holds it up. It's a picture of a penis. She asks "Does anyone know what this is?"
Little Johnny says "I know I know!! It a penis and my daddy has two of them!!!"
The teacher says "well Johnny, It is a penis but your daddy can't have two of them."
Little Johnny says "Sure he does, he's got a little one he pees out of and a great big one he brushes mommy's teeth with!"
The teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word fascinate."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "Fascinate" so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only.........fasten 8."
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.
One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher.
"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.
Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns." The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"
"It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."
One day, Little Johnny asks his mother, "What kind of bird brings white babies?"
With a grin, his mother replies, "A stork does, dear."
Satisified, Little Johnny continues, "What kind of bird brings black babies?"
"A raven, dear."
Confused, Little Johnny then asks, "Well, then, what kind of bird brings no babies at all?"
"What do you think, dear?" asks his mother.
Little Johnny thinks for a minutes, then says, "A swallow!"
When little Johnny arrived home from school, his mother asked if he'd enjoyed the field trip.
"Yep, it was great! We saw sheep, horses, goats, and fuckers."
"Pardon me!" exclaimed little Johnny's mother. "What did you just say?"
"Oh, mom, they're the animals that give us milk and steaks."
"Don't tell me your tecaher told you that cows were called that!"
"Well, actually, she called them heffers [pronounced F-ers] but we all knew what she meant."
Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day, he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning, Johnny explained everything to his mother.
"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand in her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed too have trouble finding her heart.
He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him she was really HOT.
Finally, I found out what was making them so sick... a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST! anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake!
Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go... I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again.
Sis lay back and spread her legs so that she could get a scissor lock on it. And he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.
After a while, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel... I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went courting on anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats... they have nine lives or something.
This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet..."
Mother fainted.
A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man! I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning again. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaned, "I need a bike! I need a bike!"
Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached she heard: "One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two." "Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four." "Three and three... " His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math. Little Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms. Clara Jones taught him. His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework.
The next day she stormed into Little Johnny's classroom and confronted Ms. Jones. Little Johnny's mother told Ms. Jones about his different way of doing math and his claims that Ms. Jones taught it that way to the class. The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn't understand why Little Johnny had said what he did.
Then suddenly, Ms Jones exclaimed, "Oh, I know... here in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which is two."
One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas."
Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time."
Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.
The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, "And I'll be DAMNED if I get stuck with a $80,000 mortgage!"