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Funny Lists
Cats & Dogs
What is a Cat?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats.
What is a Dog?
1. Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They are great at begging.
8. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
9. They leave their toys everywhere.
10. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.
Virus Alerts
Lewinsky Virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.
Kenneth Starr Virus: Completely examines every aspect of your computer, then compiles a complex report that discredits every aspect of your computer.
Ronald Reagan Virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
Mike Tyson Virus: Quits after two bytes. Spits everything out.
Oprah Winfrey Virus: Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.
Dr. Jack Kevorkian Virus: Deletes all old files.
Ellen Degeneres Virus: Disks can no longer be inserted.
Titanic Virus: Your whole computer goes down.
Disney Virus: Everything in your computer goes Goofy.
Prozac Virus: Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
Joey Buttafuoco Virus: Only attacks minor files.
Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus: Terminates zome viles, leaves, but it vill be baaack.
Lorena Bobbit Virus: Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.
Viagra Virus: Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
Clinton Virus: Gives you a 7" hard drive with no memory.
This is from Gabs
Seeing though I am from around Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania This one is a good one!!!
Yunz know yer from Pittsburgh when:
* Three of your immediate family members are named Stan, including your uncle, Stush.
* You think ethnic diversity means it's OK for your cousin to marry a protestant.
* You can tell at least two versions of the "Why Danny Marino wasn't drafted by 'em Stillers"story.
* Someone in your family was on "Junior High Quiz."
* You give directions that start with: "Ya go dahn to where the (fill in the blank) used ta be."
* A special night out always includes Eat-N-Park.
* You think Donnie Iris is the Second Coming.
* Myron Cope doesn't sound like a coked-up lunatic.
* You think ethnic clkeansing means using Irish Spring soap.
* You can identify each of the following: Isaly's, Chilly Billy, the Green Weenie, Kroger, Bruno, the Hornets, Ricki & Copper, Winky's, the Groovy Q-V, the Nelson Twins, Tech Beer, Rainbow Gardens, Nosmo King, Gerela's Gorillas, and the Bridge to Nowhere.
* You move out of state and the first time you say "Hey, Kennywood's open," nobody checks their zipper.
* You slam on your brakes at the sight of a tunnel.
* You were in a crowd scene in "The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh."
* You know at least two ways to spell Pierogi and Kielbasi.
* Your family's summer home "up north" has four bedrooms and two full baths, but everyone calls it "Camp."
Sound familiar????
Good one Rebel
THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN (HONEST AND NO KIDDING):
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
A 3 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 X 20 foot room.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it's already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old. Duplos will not.
Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
Plastic toys do not like ovens.
The fire department has at least a 5 minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Thanks Rebel!
Confucius say...
1. Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.
2. Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.
3. Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.
4. Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.
5. Passionate kiss like spider web--lead to undoing of fly.
6. Man with holes in pocket, feels cocky all day.
7. Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
8. Virginity like balloon--one prick, all gone.
9. Girls who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
10. He who farts in church, sits in own pew.
11. Baseball all wrong--man with four balls can't walk.
12. Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
13. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
14. Man with penis in peanut butter is fucking nuts.
15. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
16. Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.
17. Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
18. Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand.
Artery......................The study of paintings.
Benign......................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria....................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium......................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan.....................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her.
Colic.......................A sheep dog.
Coma........................A punctuation mark.
D&C.........................Where Washington is.
Dialate......................To live long.
Enema.......................Not a friend.
Fester......................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula......................A small lie.
Genital.....................Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series..................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent....................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane.
Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates.
Node........................I knew it.
Outpatient..................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative..............A letter carrier.
Recovery Room...............Place to do upholstery.
Rectum......................Darn near killed him.
Secretion...................Hiding something.
Seizure.....................Roman emperor.
Tablet......................A small table.
Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor.......................More than one.
Urine.......................Opposite of you're out.
Varicose....................Near by.
Beer Warnings
The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles,such as:
13. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
12. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
11. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
SIGNS THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER A KID:
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You can live without sex, but not without glasses.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Neighbors borrow your tools.
People call at 9:00 pm and ask, "Did I wake you?"
You have a dream about prunes.
You send money to PBS.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You know what the word "equity" means.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel (Old Folks MTV).
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
WHAT A GOOD WIFE WOULD SAY
1. I'll swallow it all...I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy.
4. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
5. That was a great fart! Do another one!
6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
7. You're so sexy when you're hungover.
8. I'd rather watch wrestling and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let's subsribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
12. I'll be out painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's just wish you had time to play Saturday too.
14. Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing nude again, come see.
15. I know it's tighter back there but would you please try again?
16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
17. Your mother is way better than mine.
18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new golf clubs.
19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year. For Christ's sake, you go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
20. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and hav my friend Cheryl over for a threesome!
21. Christ, not the fucking mall again. Come on, let's go to that new strip joint.
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
23. You need your sleep ya big sily, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
24. God...if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!!
25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for you.
IT MAY BE TIME TO TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER IF:
1. You wake up at 3 AM to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
2. You name your first two children "Eudora" and "Dotcom."
3. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you'd just pulled the plug on a loved one.
4. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap and your child in the overhead compartment.
5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
6. You laugh at people with 14.4-baud modems.
7. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
8. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
9. You can't call your mother; she doesn't have a modem.
10. You check your mail. It says "no new messages"; so you check it again.
11. You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask.
12. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you Landscape.
13. You tell the cab driver you live at http://1000.garden/house/brick.html.
14. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
15. After reading this message, you immediately email it to a friend
"Remindes me of SOMEONE I know, how bout you??! HUH PICKLE?
TOP 10 REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX
10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6. It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.
5. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the morning after.
1. YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.
30 Ways To Cope With Stress
1. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at a time.
2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.
3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
4. When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.
5. Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
6. Dance naked in front of your pets.
7. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school as if nothing is wrong.
8. Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.
9. Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
10. Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.
11. Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.
12. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
13. Buy a subscription to "Sleazoid Weekly" and send it to your boss's wife.
14. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
15. Drive to work in reverse.
16. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
17. Tell you boss to "blow it out your mule" and let him figure it out.
18. Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
19. Polish your car with earwax.
20. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
21. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
22. Braid the hairs in each nostril.
(Wait -- you mean this isn't normal????)
23. Write a short story using alphabet soup.
24. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they`re in jail.
25. Make up a language and ask people for directions using it.
26. Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in the wrapper.
27. Bill your doctor for time spent in his waiting room.
28. Read the dictionary backwards and look for sublimal messages.
29. Buy a box of condoms. Ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are,and ask for help.
30. Do your assignments in binary code.