 |  |
|
More Funny Lists
Womanspeak....vs....English
You want = You want
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm hungry = Make me something to eat.
or
I'm hungry = Stop what you are doing, scrape together your last $5, and go drive across town and get me something to eat. -- I don't care if what you are doing is important.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron.
You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I'm on my period.
Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so…inconvenient = I want a new house.
The car is empty = Go fill it up.
The trash is full = Take it out.
The dog is barking = Go outside in your underwear and see what is wrong.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
I need wedding shoes = The other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead.
Please walk me home = Let's go make out.
It's all right, dear. = You'll pay for this.
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get use to it.
Was that the baby ? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling ! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOSH there's a sale in lingerie, and wouldn't these pink sheets look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?
In response to "What's Wrong?":
The same old thing. = Nothing.
Nothing. = Everything.
Everything. = My PMS is acting up.
Nothing, really. = It's just that you're such an _______.
I don't want to talk about it. = Go away, I'm still building up steam.
What makes you think there is something wrong? = I'm going to kill you.
Why It's Great to Be A Guy
Phone conversations last 30 seconds
You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes
A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase
Bathroom lines are 80% shorter
You can open all your own jars
Old friends don't care if you've lost or gained weight
When clicking through the channels you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying
You don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with you everywhere you go
You can go to the bathroom alone
Your last name stays put
You can leave a hotel room bed unmade
You can kill your own food
The garage is all yours
You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment"
Cleaning the toilet is optional
You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes
Wedding plans take care of themselves
If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your friend
Your underwear costs $7.50 for a pack of 3
None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry
You don't have to shave below your neck
You don't have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night
If you're 34 and single, no one notices
Chocolate is just another snack
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat
You never have to worry about other's feelings
Three pair of shoes are more than enough
You can say anything and not worry about what people think
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day
Car mechanics tell you the truth
You don't care if someone doesn't notice your new haircut
You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking "He must be mad at me"
One mood, all the time
You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve yourself to look like him
Gray hair and wrinkles add character
Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental $100 bucks
You don't care if someone is talking behind your back
You don't pass on the dessert and then mooch off someone else's
The remote is yours and yours alone
You need not pretend you're "freshening up" when you go to the bathroom
If you don't call your buddy when you said you would, he won't tell your friends you've changed
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected
If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet
You think the idea of punting that small, ankle-biting dog is funny
If you retain water, it is in a canteen
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
Flowers and/or Duct Tape fix everything
Thanks Crazy Pickle
Creative Ways to Say Someone is Stupid...
About as sharp as a marble.
A few clowns short of a circus.
Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas Tree.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
I wish I had a blueprint for his brain; I'm trying to build an idiot.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
He only has one oar in the water.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off her cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay her brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
The lights are on, but nobody's home.
24 cents short of a quarter.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
Even MORE Creative Ways to Say Someone is Stupid...
She doesn't have all the chairs around the table.
Not the sharpest tool in the shed.
He's sharp as a thimble.
A few sandwiches short of a picnic basket.
If her IQ goes up to 40, she should sell.
About as deep as a saucer of milk.
She's not the brightest Crayola in the box!
He is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.
The gates are down, the lights are flashing but the train isn't coming.
A few cards short of a full deck.
She could hold an in depth conversation with a chair.
Got a full six pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.
A room temperature IQ.
A photographic memory, but forgot to load the film.
Bright as Alaska in December.
Fell out of the family tree.
It's hard to believe that he beat 100,000 other sperm.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
Takes him 1.5 hours to watch "60 Minutes"
Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change back.
He's so dense, light bends around him.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
What A Guy Means When He Says...:
"I'm going fishing."
Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means...."The batteries in the remote are dead."
"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means...."I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me."
Really means...."You want me to stay awake?"
"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means...."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means...."I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house."
Really means...."I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means...."I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means...."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means...."What did you catch me doing?"
"I heard you."
Really means...."I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next days yelling at me."
"You look terrific."
Really means...."Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I missed you."
Really means...."I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means...."I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
Really means...."I make the messes, you clean them up."
"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means...."You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck."
"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means...."I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
Thanks Midnight Angel
More Chinese Proverbs
"Passionate kiss like spider's web soon lead to undoing of fly."
"Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone!"
"Man who run in front of car get tired"
"Man who run behind car get exhausted"
"Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day"
"Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ."
"Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok"
"Man with one chopstick go hungry."
"Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails."
"Man who eat many prunes get good run for money."
"Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk!"
"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it."
"War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left."
"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse."
"Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night."
"Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!"
"Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!"
"It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it."
"Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!"
"Man who sit on tack get point!"
"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!"
"Man who lives in glass house should change in basement"
"He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs."
"Man who farts in church sits in own pew."
"Man who leaps from tall building, jumps to conclusion".
"Crowded elevator smells different to midget".
Thanks to John – From work
TOP 14 LITTLE KNOWN FAIRY-TALES
14. Snow White, Seven Dwarfs and a Webcam
13. The Knave Who Choked The Warrior Coach But Is Still Getting Many Pieces Of Gold
12. How To Make $5,000 A Week In Your Spare Time
11. Rapennzoil
10. The Emperor's New Clothes from International Male
9. Booty and the Priest
8. The Supermodel and the Top 5 Contributor
7. Little Red Clitoral Hood
6. Bubba and the Slippery Zipper
5. Johnny Leatherpants and His Magic Nipple Clamps
4. Rumpledforeskin
3. The Ogres of Madison County
2. GoldieHawn and the 3 Plastic Surgeons
1. The Little Engine That Never Will (because the lazy bastard's been a disappointment to me and his mother since day one!)
Thanks CrazyPickle
Top 10 Summer Camps You Should Not Send Your Kids To:
10. Tommy Lee's---------- Camp Kickachickee
9. Lorena Bobbit's------ Camp Cutaweewee
8. Tanya Harding's------ Camp Wackaneenee
7. Kenneth Star's------- Camp Catchacrookee
6. Louis Farakahn's----- Camp Killawhitey
5. O.J. Simpson's------- Camp Killachickee
4. Michael Jackson's---- Camp Wannabewhitey
3. President Clinton's-- Camp Getahoochie
2. Ellen Degeneras's---- Camp Lickacoochie
And the number one camp not to send your kid to:
1. Monica Lewinsky's---- Camp Suckapeepee
Ten Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say
10. Here honey, you use the remote.
9. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
8. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
7. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
6. Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?
5. Sex isn't that important; sometimes, I just want to be held.
4. Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
3. Aww, forget Monday night football, Let's watch Melrose Place.
2. Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1. We never talk anymore
Ten Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say
10. What do you mean today's our anniversary?
9. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
8. Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!
7. And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!
6. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being "just friends".
5. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
4. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
3. Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.
2. I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
1. Hey, pull my finger!
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumpersticker that says, "How's my driving call 1-800
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You're counting down the days until menopause.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
AND, The Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
TOP 10 OLD FOLKS' PARTY GAMES
10. Musical Recliners
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
8. Hide and Go Pee
7. Simon Says Something Incoherent
6. Doc, Doc Goose
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over
4. Kick the Bucket
3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear
2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
1. Sag, You're It!
Bumper Stickers
1. Save the trees.... Wipe your butt with an owl.
2. Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window
3. Seen on the back of a biker's vest: If you can read this, my wife fell off.
4. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
5. If you can read this, please flip me back over... (seen upside down, on a Jeep)
6. Please tell your pants it's not polite to point.
7. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the ass.
8. Never raise your hands to your kids; it leaves your groin unprotected.
9. Feel safe tonight...Sleep with a cop.
10. Remember folks: Stop lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70mph.
11. GUYS: No shirt, no service. GALS: No shirt, no charge.
12. If walking is so good for you, then why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hut?
13. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"
14. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
15. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
16. Axe me about Ebonics
17. Boldly going nowhere
18. Cat: The other white meat
19. CAUTION - Driver legally blonde
20. Don't be sexist - Broads hate that!
21. Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway
22. He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged
23. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you
24. If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets
25. If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
26. WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
27. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull
28. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.