Humour page 2

3850 words

The LIMO

The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for awhile.
Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds to hop on Route 95 and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. Well he gets to about 90 miles per hour and, WHAM !, there are the blue lights of our friendly State Police in his mirror.
He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. Well the trooper, seeing who it was, says "just a moment please I need to call in."
The trooper radio's in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief "I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."
The chief replies "Who is it, not Ted again ?" The trooper says," "No, even more important." The chief replies, "It's the Governor, is it ?"
The trooper replies "No, even more important."
"It's isn't the President is it?"
"No, more important", replies the trooper.
"Well WHO the HECK is it!", screams the chief.
"I don't know" says the trooper. "But he's got the Pope as a chauffeur!"


The Watch

A man named Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger comes up behind him and asks "Have you got the time?"
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and turns around. After glancing at his wrist he says "it's about a quarter to six" "Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til sixteen" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese.
Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality for a mere watch, and the voice is simply astounding - smooth and perfectly audible, without the tinny sound you might expect from a speaker that could fit on a watch. The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all", says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons - it has more than a dozen - and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "If we were outside", Jake says apologetically, "it could show you where we were by satellite positioning, but under this roof all it can do is remember my last position and a map of the surrounding area. View recede ten",. he adds to the watch, and the display changes to show eastern New York state. "It responds to voice?!" gasps the stranger, and Jake nods enthusiastically: "But I haven't got it all programmed yet -most of the functions are still button-activated."
"I want to buy that watch!" says the stranger. "Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs", says the inventor. "But look at this:", and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters as well as trigger the stopwatch function for close racing finishes, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all to the now drooling listener, has capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, "though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake. He starts up "The Moon is a Harsh Mistress" by Robert Heinlein, and although the stranger has never heard of either he can still hear those amazing un-tinny voices coming out of the normal-sized watch on Jake's wrist.
"I've got to have that watch!", he says.
"No, you don't understand; it's not ready -"
"I'll give you $1000 for it!"
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than -"
"I'll give you $5000 for it!"
"But it's just not -"
"I'll give you $15 000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.
"I've just got to have that watch!"
"But...". Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he could make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only another half a year. "$15,000?" The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now." Jake abruptly makes his decision. "Ok", he says, and peels off the watch.
They make the exchange, the check for the watch, and the stranger starts happily away.
"Hey, wait a minute", calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake nods toward the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't you want the batteries?"


Q. Why did the Blonde stare at a can of frozen orange
juice?
A: Because it said concentrate.
Q: Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms?
A: They think their picture is being taken.
Q: Why do Blondes have "TGIF" written on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.
Q: How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax?
A: It has a stamp on it.
Q: Why can't Blondes dial 911?
A: They can't find the eleven on the phone!
Q: What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell, she's got a grenade in her mouth!
Q: How can you tell if a Blonde has been using your computer?
A: There is white-out all over the monitor.
Q: Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them when they get back.
Q: What do you call an eternity?
A: Four Blondes at a four way stop.
Q: Why do Blondes like a BMW better than a Mercedes?
A: They can spell BMW.
A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette said, "Oh, look at the dead bird." The Blonde looked skyward and said "Where, where?"
Q: What do smart Blondes and UFOs have in common?
A: You always hear about them but
you never see them.
Q: Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
A: You have to hollow out the head.
Q: How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Q: If a Blonde and a brunette fell out of an airplane, who would land first?
A: The brunette. The Blonde would have to stop and ask for directions.


A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her "go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?" The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.
The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!" The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her.
He says "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?"
The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's M!"


A 92 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a medical check up. A few days later the Dr. saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm and grinning from ear to ear. A couple of days later the Dr. talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'." The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. And be careful."

Joe was bragging to his friend, Harry, about his new hearing aid. "it's Fantastic! I can hear everything at church, including the little kid in the back as well as the minister up front. You really should get one, Harry! It changes everything when you can hear so well!" Harry replies, "Sounds great! I need it! What kind is it?" Joe answers, looking at his watch, "Quarter to three.

Two golfers meet on the golf course and decide to finish off the round together. The one golfer had a little dog with him and on the next green, when the golfer holed out with a 20 foot putt, the little dog started yelping and dancing up on its hind legs.
The other golfer was quite amazed at this clever trick and said, "That dog is really clever, What does it do if you miss a putt?" "Somersaults."
"Somersaults!!!! How many of them does it do??"
"Mmm, depends on how hard I kick him in the ass!"


"Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Mm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
[Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.] "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." [Ahoy—at least she knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if she's kicked out her monitor's power plug.] "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
[sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] "Yes, I think so." "Great!
Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
[pause] "Yes, it is."
[Mm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt she would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send her hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor she has and it's bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.] "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
[muffled] "Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
[still muffled] "I can't reach."
Well, lean over and have a look
"I can't see because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes—the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power cut"

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,"' asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well. I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'".
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her." "How are YOU feeling?"
So that's when I told him "I'm fine, I'm Fine."


Black Morgan the infamous buccaneer let it be known that he was recruiting a few pirates.
Along came an applicant. He had a Peg Leg, a hook instead of one hand and a patch over one eye.
"Have you had any battle experience? How did you lose your leg."
"That was in a battle, I got swept over-board, my mates pulled me out, but a shark bit off the bottom of my leg."
"How did you lose your hand?
"That was another battle, it got cut off by an enemy cutlass."
"And did you lose your eye in battle?"
"No, that was when a seagull passed over head and as I looked up, he crapped in my eye."
"And that seagull crap made you lose your eye?"
"No, it was the first day that I had my new hook?"


The birthing exercise class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced,
"Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes," replied the teacher. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"


Another "Golf Story" - Two men were playing golf and a hearse and long funeral procession passed. One golfer looked at the procession, placed his hand over his heart and bowed his head. The other said, "That is a nice gesture of respect. Did you know the deceased?" "Yes," the other said softly, "if she had lived another month we would have been married fifty years."


Doctor in the witness box being questioned by the attorney.

Q:"Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:
1.        "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2.        "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3.        "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
5.        "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6.        "Did he kill you?"
7.        "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8.        "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9.        "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10.        Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11.        Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
12.        Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13.        Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14.        Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"
15.        Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
16.        Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17.        Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18.        Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
19.        Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
20.        Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."
21.        Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood.


THINGS YOU WOULDN'T KNOW IF IT WASN'T FOR THE MOVIES...
Space ships make noise in space...
Other planets look just like Earth...
Starships fall down even without gravity...
During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to
the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
When in love, it is customary to burst into song.
When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.
One hero shooting at 20 attackers has a better chance of hitting all of them than 20 attackers firing at one hero.
Creepy music coming from a cemetery should ALWAYS be investigated more closely.
If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath. German bullets are unable to penetrate water.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
Freelance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings from international terrorist organizations - even though the job will require them to shoot total strangers and will end in their own certain death as the helicopter explodes in a ball of flames.
Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings -
especially if anybody they ever knew died in a strange accident.
All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
You can tell if a man is British because he will be wearing a bow tie.
When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.
Honest and hard-working police officers are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
The more a man and a woman initially hate each other, the more likely they are to fall in love.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one


Sam and his wife were having difficulty remembering things so they went to see a doctor.
Some weeks later, a neighbor came to visit and Sam told him about the fantastic results they had achieved with this doctor.
The neighbor confessed that he and his wife were also having difficulties remembering so could he please have the name of this doctor.
Sam stammered. "Well..his...er..er..name..er...a flower..has thorns..er". "You mean a rose?" the neighbor asked. "THAT'S IT!" Sam responded excitedly and called into the kitchen, "Rose, what's the name of that doctor we're seeing?"



3850 words.


http://geocities.datacellar.net/Heartland/Estates/9291

e-mail me at norm@hotkey.net.au

Updated May 30th 1999