HELLO, AND WELCOME TO THE THE PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINE
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.


Adam complained to God that he was lonely. God said, "I'll make you a woman to keep you company." This he did and when he asked Adam a few weeks later how he liked her, Adam said, "She's great with her smooth skin, soft voice, gentleness, etc. but why did you make her so stupid????
God replied, "SO SHE'D LOVE YOU!



A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the daughter asks her mother, "Mummy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?", to which the mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work."

The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ahhhhhhh, C'mon lady!!!! Tell your daughter the truth!!!! For crying out loud. They're hookers!"

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mummy, do the ladies have any children?"

The mother replies, "Of course dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"



A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?"
She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old."
The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old bum?"
She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."



A local hardware company called Tompkins have a new line of nails that they wish to sell.
They hire a big shot advertising agency and one of the salesman begins work on the advertising campaign to sell these new "Tompkins nails".
After a month the salesman calls a meeting with the board of directors from Tompkins, so he can show them what he has come up with.

The salesman pulls away the covers revealing a poster of Jesus Christ nailed to a cross, and across the bottom in big letters it states "We used Tompkins Nails".

Well as you can imagine, not many of the directors were particularly impressed with this, and they thought that they had too may religious builders in the local trade that would be rather upset by this poster. They told the salesman he had another month to come up with something better.

A month later the salesman returns, revealing his new poster, this time showing Jesus running away from the cross, the slogan now says......"We SHOULD have used Tompkins nails!"



A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins—if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."



Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.
One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!"
The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"



A foursome of ladies was standing on a tee when a streaker ran across the fairway in front of them. One lady asks, "Is that Dick Green?"
Another replied, "No, I think it's just the reflection off of the grass."



A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over real estate agents he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see one walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road.
One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest,
"Where are you going, Father?".
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!", replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck".
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a real estate agent walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the agent.
However even though he was certain he missed the agent, he still heard a loud "THUD".
Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that real estate agent".
"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!


After the 30-year-old lawyer died he screamed at Saint Peter, "How can you
do this to me? A heart attack at my age! I'm only thirty!"
Replied Saint Peter, "Well, when we looked at your total billable hours, we
figured you had to be at least ninety-five."


What do call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor.


What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in
the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.


What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen look good.

What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A doberman pinscher.

How can you tell when your lawyer is lying?
His lips move.

How do you save a drowning lawyer?
Take your foot off his head.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.


A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it.
Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. "No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."


Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife
has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and started hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell—but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, wheeled it out on to the balcony and pushed it over the edge where it landed on the man, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the
man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of
my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on as best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I was having a bit of an affair with a married lady friend and I hear her husband coming in from the elevator, so I quickly get out of the bed, still naked, the only place I could hide was the refrigerator, so I huddled up inside. Then suddenly.. I know you're not going to believe this...


These two guys are out hunting and find an old mine shaft in the woods that's about 3 feet across but it is so deep that when they drop a rock they hear no sound, so they drop a big rock, and still no sound. So they go looking for something larger and they find a railway sleeper almost hidden in the long grass. They drag it over to the hole and heave it in and it disappears. As soon as the sleeper disappeared, a goat comes running up at about sixty miles an hour head down charging straight at them.
They jump out of the way and the goat dives head first into the hole. And there's still no sound. Nothing.
Soon after, a farmer appears from the woods and says, "HEY! You fellas seen my goat around here? And they said, "Well there was a goat just ran by here real fast and dived into this hole here." "Naw," says the farmer, "That can't have been my goat. My goat was tied with a long rope to an old railway sleeper."



Actual Announcements Taken From Church Bulletins

Don't let worry kill you. Let the church help.
Thursday night pot-luck supper. Prayer and medication to follow,
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our Church and community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing, "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5 pm. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All those wishing to become Little Mothers please see minister in his private study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the Church basement Friday.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?". Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double doors at the side entrance.
The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
8 new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The associate minister unveiled the Church's new tithing campaign last Sunday, I upped my pledge - Up yours"


So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"


A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman." "What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.
Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunch time she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal.
In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home we make love, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"
The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."


A man in a bar with his Rottweiler at his feet was intrigued to see another dog owner enter the bar. "That's a strange looking dog you have there," he said.
"Yes, he is rather," said the newcomer, "but he's a great fighter."
"Is he now? I bet he isn't as good a fighter as my Fang here."
"All right - how much do you wanna bet?"
"Ten dollars."
"You're on."
So the two men let their dogs fight. Soon, the Rottweiler crawled, battered and bloody, to his master's side.

"I'd never thought I'd see Fang get defeated," said the loser's master, handing over the ten dollars, "especially by such an odd-looking one like yours."
"Yes, he does look a little peculiar," agreed the winner's master. "But he looked even odder before I shaved his mane off."



A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order,
"What would you like, sir?"
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers,"A quickie."
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.
After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"
Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE' ."

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?"
"I'm afraid I can't, Sister." "Do you have any close relatives, then?"
"Just my sister in New Mexico," replied, "but she's a spinster nun."
"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are married to God."
"Okay," the man said with a smile, "then send the bill to my brother-in-law."



Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involved submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned.

WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THOSE "FREE" SOAPS WHEN TRAVELLING
Dear Maid,Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman

Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested.
The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today with my instructions from the management to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid

Dear Maid—
I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them
S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.
Your regular maid, Dotty

Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper

Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager


Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.

1. Berman