He's the Lover of my Soul

I have been fortunate in my circumstances not to have faced abuse, unlike many of you who may read this. I grew up in a Christian home where I was loved (although not perfectly) and have had the blessings of a good marriage to one man these past 27 years. But I wanted to write this to say that, even though I have had the blessings of being raised in a Christian home, there have been choices that I have made in my life that have affected my relationship with God, choices that were not in my best interest and that led me down a wrong path. Each of us has a God-given free will. The things that happen to us in life are not always of our making and not always within our control, but our responses to those circumstances are. My hope in sharing a few pieces of my life is that you will see that, it’s not what we’ve done in our lives, how good or bad we may have been, or even what life has done to us that matters; the main question in life is our response to Jesus Christ and the decision each of us must make about Him. I have had the privilege of being raised in a Christian home. In fact, I have a wonderful Christian heritage that stretches back generations on both sides of my family. We had a book on our shelves in the home I grew up in about my father’s side of the family and from that I learned that, as far back as I could trace my roots, I had a Christian heritage. That means I had generations of prayers raised up for me, something that I didn’t appreciate growing up, but that means so much to me now. But that didn’t mean that I was automatically a Christian. Many people think that if you are a good person and are raised by Christian parents and go to church, that’s enough. That’s all it takes to get into heaven. “God would certainly accept me,” some would say; “I’ve never done anything really bad or hurt anyone.” But the Bible teaches that all we like sheep have gone astray (Isaiah 53:6) and that not one of us is righteous (Romans 3:10). It has also been said that there are no grandchildren in heaven, meaning that everyone has to deal with their sin for themselves. Just because Mom and Dad are saved and going to heaven, doesn’t give me a free ride! So when I was 9 or 10, I realized what a sinner I was and accepted Jesus into my heart. Before I gave my heart to the Lord, it was a given that I would do the wrong thing, but now I had been forgiven of all of my past sins. All of those I had committed by the age of 9! I will never forget the feeling of peace that overcame me. I was forgiven! I was clean! I was going to live for Jesus no matter what! Now came the choices. When I was in high school, I developed an interest in the occult. I knew it was wrong, but it was so enticing. Like most teenagers, I wanted to know what my future held. I didn’t want to trust God for it. So I decided to look into forbidden areas. God tells us not to do certain things, not because He wants to spoil our fun or just say no to say no, but for our good. He knows how damaging some of these things can be to our bodies and souls. But, even knowing all of that, I still sought after those things. My first experience with the occult was with a ouija board. A friend of mine had one and we would use it when I was over at her house. I really wanted one of my own, but it wasn’t something that I could ask my parents for! So I did the next best thing--I made one of my own. I drew the design of the board using the Sears Wish Book as a guide (I grew up to be an art teacher and can draw virtually anything you put in front of me!). Then I made the planchette and put some buttons on the bottom and tested it out. It worked! It answered my questions! Needless to say, that scared the daylights out of me, especially knowing what God thought about seeking out the spirits and the dead, so I threw it into the fire. I said, never again! That lasted about a year, when I began to research other occult practices. I believe that the occult is one of the most seductive and dangerous weapons that the enemy uses to destroy us. That is why God expressly forbids involvement in it. It can open a door to the spirit world that is so very difficult to close, one that allows Satan to oppress and confuse us, if not to destroy us. God says in Leviticus 20:6-8, “I will set my face against the person who turns to mediums and spiritists to prostitute himself by following them, and I will cut him off from his people. Consecrate yourselves and be holy, because I am the Lord your God. Keep my decrees and follow them. I am the Lord your God, who makes you holy.” But I ignored what God said and did what I wanted to do. I read books on astrology and discovered a method of Chinese fortune telling called the I Ching. And when I was in college a few years later, I bought a pack of tarot cards. But all this time, I was practicing these things alone. I never told anyone at school that I was involved with the occult. I never got involved with other people who might be practicing the same things, which I believe made my involvement all the more dangerous. There are other consequences to turning to the occult. I was not inviting others to participate because I knew all along that I shouldn’t be involved in the first place. I also didn’t really understand how damaging it was to me. Over the next few years I began to fall into a depression, thinking that I was somehow unable to be loved and would never be loved. I even contemplated suicide at one point during my senior year. I now believe that this was a lie from the enemy to destroy me, because I was flirting with a spiritual world that I should have avoided at all costs. Many people are drawn into the occult world, thinking that it will answer the great questions of life. “Who am I?” “Why am I here?” "What does the future hold?" Others because they believe it will lead them to God. Still others because of a promise of power and superiority. In the beginning, they seem to find what they are looking for, but in the end it is a dead end. The supernatural force behind any of these practices is a very real, very personal devil, Satan. He began his quest to overtake the very throne of God when he said, “I will ascend to heaven; I will raise my throne above the stars of God....I will make myself like the Most High.” (Isaiah 14:13,14) When he was overthrown and cast out of heaven, he set about to cause the downfall of man in the Garden of Eden using the same lie: “You will not surely die,” the serpent said to the woman, “For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” (Genesis 3:4) And so it was with me. I decided I could look into things that were the prerogative of God alone. And it nearly destroyed me. But I finally came to my senses. In the midst of my depression, I reached out to God, a God who loved me and would forgive me of this sin. He is a God that promises, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” (I John 1:9) I renounced my occult practices and I threw my deck of tarot cards down the trash chute in the dorm and never was involved in the occult again. I wish I could say that this was the end of my rebellion and stubbornness, but it wasn’t. Even though I had confessed this sin, I continued to go my own way. The Bible calls rebellion as the sin of witchcraft and stubbornness as iniquity and idolatry (I Samuel 15:23), with very good reason. When I had accepted the Lord into my heart at 9, my greatest desire was to follow Him and serve Him all my days. I had won a Bible in a contest and had the following verse written in the front by the evangelist: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.” (Proverbs 3:5,6) Oh, that I had only followed that! I didn’t ask God what I should do with my life. I had decided to become an art teacher and graduated with a BA in art. When I accepted my first teaching position in eastern Washington, I didn’t ask God if it was where He wanted me to be. And when I met the man who would become my husband, who wasn’t a Christian at the time, I didn’t care that God had said not to be “unequally yoked.” And, as a result of still remaining in my rebellion, a Christian all the while but a rebellious one, I was open to more oppression and attacks from Satan. I began to experience “visitations” in the middle of the night, spirits who would come and stand over my bed. I would be terrified and cry out and they would vanish, only to return every so often. I had to confess my sins of rebellion, of going my own way and ask God to forgive me for ignoring His word before these apparitions would finally cease their harassment. In the end, He has given me more blessings than I deserved, including saving my husband, giving us 2 wonderful children, and placing me in a job that I love and can serve Him. And He has given me opportunities to teach again, although I now teach 3-4 year olds in church rather than high schoolers! He has even placed me on the worship team in our church, allowing me to sing which was a great desire of my heart. He has brought about restoration in my life. I have learned much about the character of the God I love over the years. Even when I was going my own way, God never gave up on me. I have deserved no less a punishment than death, yet God has given me mercy and grace and new life in Him. I have read the words of Nehemiah as he addressed the children of Israel and relate to them: He “gavest them bread from heaven for their hunger, and broughtest forth water for them out of the rock for their thirst....But they and our fathers dealt proudly, and hardened their necks, and hearkened not to they commandments, and refused to obey, neither were mindful of they wonders that thou didst among them; but hardened their necks, and in their rebellion appointed a captain to return to their bondage: but thou are a God ready to pardon, gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and of great kindness, and forsook them not....Thou gavest also thy good spirit to instruct them, and withheld not thy manna from their mouths....they were disobedient and rebelled against thee and cast thy law behind their backs....Nevertheless, for thy great mercies’ sake thou didst not utterly consume them, not forsake them; for thou are a gracious and merciful God.” (Nehemiah 9:15-17,20,26,31) God is a God of mercy and grace. He is a God who forgives. You can be a Christian and still sin and make many mistakes. God offers forgiveness. Or you can be a very good person, one who attends church and trys to live a moral life, but still miss out on eternal life because you have never asked Jesus to be your Savior. God stands at the door of your heart and life, waiting for you to invite Him in. He said that "Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me." (Revelation 3:20) You can find out how to ask Jesus into your life if you go to God's Looking for You because He is doing just that. He brought me into a place of peace and rest. Not that our lives and circumstances have been easy or that there have been no bumps along the way, but I have learned to look to Him first. He can do the same for you. Questions? Send email to secretarydonner@yahoo.com "When I remember You upon my bed and meditate on You in the night; Because You have been my help, therefore in the shadow of Your wings will I rejoice." (Psalm 63:6,7) Back to top of page Donna's Home Page