Some days are better than others...

On a Bad Day:

Good grief, I don't dare look in the mirror. If I do, I'll see a fat, frumpy, bad-hair mess with a bad complexion. I don't quite know how to pull off a fashionable outfit, because I just can't get the accessories right. Or maybe it's not the accessories, but something else. Whatever. I don't know what it is that is not right, so I'll never get it right.

On my way to work, I will think over the day to come. What meeting do I have that I'm not prepared for? What kind of chaos will I meet when I get to my desk? What about that the colleagues who are obviously better at their jobs than I am? What numb-skull thing will I do or say today that will show everyone in the office how inadequate I am? What about all the people in the office who are so much smarter than me? How will I ever earn their respect? Why do I care so much about earning their respect?

When I pick up the kids from daycare today, they are grumpy again. Surely if I were a better mother they'd stop fighting with each other, they'd act like little angels.

Throughout the whole day, I find reason after reason to believe that I'm "less than", not capable, not beautiful, therefore not valid. I wonder to myself if anyone else ever has doubts, or if I'm the only one lacking confidence. Sometimes these feelings last only for a day, sometimes they last much longer. But days like this are agony to get through, because they never seem to end!

On a Good Day:

I wake up feeling remarkably well-rested. I shower and dress without any fuss, and I turn out looking and feeling good! For some reason, I can forget about the pudges here and there, and the fly-away hair that's not cooperating. They don't bother me today, because they seem so unimportant.

Heading into work I am actually anticipating the day with pleasure. I have a heavy load of work to get through, but it's not too bad because I can break it down into more managable tasks and not be overwhelmed. During the day, I feel confident, because I know that my contribution to the job is valuable, that I have unique skills, and that the office benifits from having me there that day. Even if there are a few fires to be put out, I can handle them and feel good about the way I did. No nagging feelings of doubt here. I'm smart, capable, and on my way up.

My energy level after work with the kids is great. They're squabbling a little bit, but I can distract them enough to get them interested in something else and the arguments stop. We breeze through dinner without a fuss. Or maybe we don't. But either way, I'm able to handle it without frustration because I just feel good today.

What makes the difference?

What is it that makes one day terrible and the other day fabulous? For me, the number one factor is REST. If I am not well-rested, then my attitude quicly spirals down into self-doubt and depression. During these times, my instinct is to want to get out and get away from the house. I often find myself craving a visit to the bookstore by myself just to browse, or to the craft store, or to the library. Actually, though, what I really should be doing is putting the kids to bed, then putting myself to bed. It's taken me a long time to realize this, and now I try to listen to my body more and do what it needs, and that usually means rest.

I also suspect that my mood and attitude has a lot to do with my diet, or more accurately, my lack of a good diet. Especially on days when I miss breakfast, I find myself grumpy and lacking energy. For me it really is true that the most important meal of the day is breakfast. Also, when I'm feeling down, I concentrate on eating more fruits, vegetables, and healthy dairy products. I try to cut the fat and sugar. Again, this is going against my instinct, because when I am feeling blue the first urge is to over eat on some fatty snack foods. Self control and will-power are my enemies at this point, because I don't have any! But I know intellectually that if I continue to eat the fatty snacks the I'm craving, it will take me even longer to snap out of my funk.

I'm not sure how much of my attitude and mood shifts are dependent on monthly hormonal cycles. I've been on various types of birth control hormones over the last 12 years, and I've never really tied my mood to any cyclic changes, though it could be having an effect.

Also, for the last two years I've had a job that requires a lot of foreign travel (about 6 or 8 weeks away from home per year). I generally travel alone or with one colleague, but I'm generally the "lead" of the team. This has given me the wonderful opportunity to have a separate life from my family, giving me a chance to define myself outside of my role as wife and mother. I have many fewer urges to get out and away, because I know that every 6 or 8 weeks, I'll have a chance to be away for a week, do some exploring, broaden my horizons without guilt.

Coming soon:

I hope to do some research into mood swings, depression, and other related topics. I'll be adding some useful links here. In the meantime...

Feeling stressed out or overloaded? Visit my "Coping with Stress" page.
Do you have a good website to recommend, or a story or anecdote to share? Email me and I'll post it here.

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