I'm a Working Mom. And I'm happy.

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Phenomenal Women Of The Web

Feminist Roots:

I guess I've always assumed that I would be a working mother. In highschool, I developed an admiration for the feminists of the 1970's - women who had spent their careers breaking new ground, forging new territory by being mother, wife, and career woman all rolled into one. I have always wanted to be one of those women.

So when I went to college, I prepared myself for a life-long career. I searched for a job assuming that I would be a professional worker. I continued in my career with a very supportive husband, knowing that I could work and have a family at the same time, very successfully. I found a job where the work is very meaningful, and I make a difference in the real world. I am proud of the work I do.

Early on: Guilt and Pressure

While I was on maternity leave with my first child, I entertained thoughts of quitting my job and staying home, or moving into a part-time situation. Some of these feelings were genuine desire to be at home, but I have to admit that mostly I considered it because I thought that was what was expected of me. Wasn't that what a "real" mother was supposed to do? But I soon realized that my feelings of self-worth were going down the tubes. I was definitely in need of adult interaction, but worse, I felt like I was being expected to give up a huge part of myself. I was resentful that my husband was not getting any of this pressure. I decided to go back to work, and I was so much more centered, more in control of my emotions. Our son was in the care of a wonderful home daycare provider, and he was doing well there with "siblings" who were with him during the day. My husband and I were able to work out our schedules to maximize our son's time with one parent or another, while we both could still continue our jobs that we both enjoyed.

While on maternity leave with my second child, I went through the same questioning period. I still felt pressure from other well-intentioned people who assumed I would want to stay home. So I wondered if maybe I could make staying home work this time. Our first child was older now, and the second was an easier baby to take care of than the first. But again, I felt completly out of whack without my work. I went back to work as originally planned. My husgand and I continued to shift our schedules to maximize at-home time. But I still felt this pressure from others to stay home, which made me feel guilty for enjoying my work. If I was a good mother, why didn't I want to stay home? Why did I enjoy working? What was wrong with me?

There was also the issue of finances. Could we maintain our lifestyle without my income? Definitely not. Could we live without my income. Yes, probably. Well, at least barring unforseen circumstances. But while our spending habits could have been drastically altered to allow for a half-sized family income, we felt it was very important to have financial security. We did not want to find ourselves less than a few paychecks away from foreclosure on our house. What if something had happened to my husband, and all of a sudden we were without income? Those financial considerations (worry over potential loss of income, lay-offs, etc) are another contributor to my decision to work.

Reality: It's OK to Work Outside the Home!

It wasn't until our second child was a year old that I realized that it was ok to do things that make me feel fulfilled. I realized I was not required to think only of my family, and in fact, I was actually required to think of and take care of myself first. I'm not talking about selfish indulgences, I'm talking about nurturing myself as a person. If I don't take care of myself, how could I care for my family? First in line for acceptance was the fact that I am not suited to staying at home full time. I am not a happy person in that situation. My work is a major part of who I am. That's just the way it is. I am good at my job, I make a difference, and I enjoy it. I'm fortunate to be in this position - many others are drones in a cubicle, or are worked to the point of exhaustion just to make ends meet. So I finally accepted that it was ok to feel this way.

The most important consideration in the decision to continue working has been the good fortune of having high-quality childcare available to us. We have used three different child-care environments over the years, including a small-group home daycare, a Piaget-based daycare center, and a neighborhood playmate home daycare. In each case, the quality of care was excellent, and our kids have always been in the best environment possible. I could not have gone back to work (and would not have) if this excellent daycare had not been available to us.

So, taking all of this into consideration, I was able to lay to rest the guilt I was feeling about working full time. I stopped worrying about meeting other people's expectations, and worried more about making our family life work for our family. I was able to leave work at work, and leave home at home, and so both my roles became easier and more fun. I was able to begin enjoying my kids without the nagging feeling that I was "making up lost time", and I was able to become more committed to my job, eventually even taking a very challenging position of great responsibility. I'm proud that I can be a positive role model for my kids as they grow (especially my daughter). And I also am proud that I represent motherhood so well at work. I have found a balance that works for me and my family.

The Rest of the Story

The above description works for me and my family because we have our own special circumstances. This does not fit all other families, not by a long shot. All people are different. Some do not have the daycare options we had. One person is more suited to maintaining full-time employment, another is more suited to full-time child-rearing. Each choice is equally valid and deserving of respect. None is more right than another. I believe firmly that each family must make the decisions that are right for them.

I also believe, however, that women have just as much of a right to a fulfilling career as men have, if that is what they so choose. Just because women have the physical equipment to bear children should not mean that they automatically must give up their own hopes, dreams, and desires if they don't want to. Mothers and Fathers should share the rights, responsibilities and priveleges of parenthood equally. Society must be willing to accept the different decisions without placing guilt, blame or doubt on anyone.

Acknowledgements

Of course, I'll be the first to admit that I could not have this life if it were not for my husband. He is the best example I have ever seen of a husband who shares the load wholly and completely. He is a wonderful man, continuously supportive of me and our family. He always takes on more than his half of the housework, parenting, and household responsibilities. He is the best - I love you David!