My Thoughts...

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13 August 1999--Last night I decided to create this new page within my Tribute To My Brother. Most days I believe I'm doing pretty well, then something happens--sometimes something small. I see a picture, hear something that reminds me of Ricky. It's funny sometimes what triggers it. But when it does, it starts my brain, and it's hard to shut it down. This happened to me last night, as I was getting ready to go to bed. I had been promising my husband that I would try to not stay up so late, so I went ahead and went to bed. And of course my brain did not.

I should have just gotten back up. In these thoughts, I got the idea to make this new page. In part, as therapy for myself. It's been over 2 years, and sometimes it's just awkward to bring the subject up. I don't want to cause anybody else any more pain. So most of the time I just keep it to myself, and try to deal with it. I thought that if I were to write these thoughts down, maybe it would help. I also hope that maybe it may help others. For those contemplating suicide, maybe they can see what goes through the minds of those who are left behind. I have trouble with this idea, however. I don't think that my brother was capable of realizing the full effects of what his actions would do to his loved ones. But maybe someone hasn't gotten that far, and can stop their ideas upon reading this.

I also thought that maybe my words could bring comfort to someone in the same position. It helps sometimes to know your thoughts and feelings aren't unusual, and that someone else is going through the same thing.

I'm not sure what all is going to end up on this page. But they will all be just my thoughts...

red rose



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