April 1997.

Matthew had become more ill. He is so thin and has had more red nappies, we are all frightened and Matthew is very unsettled. He is refusing to feed. We took him back to casualty, because he isn't registered with a local doctor, and casualty has already seen him once: this time he was seen by a peadiatric doctor who admitted him on the spot. (Although it might have been nice to be informed of this!) We had to consent to Matthew being fed formula milk by naso-gastric tube: he was sick. He is only 7lbs 8oz and losing weight daily. He looks so ill. The next week was horrible, they performed every possible test on Matthew he had so many holes in him from taking blood, and he was covered in bruises. He also had to be put onto a drip as he was dehydrated. It took them a week to diagnose his problem: Pyloric Stenosis.

Matthew was transferred to St Georges Hospital in London for an operation to correct the faulty stomach valve that was stopping him from feeding, and causing the vomitting. I took him into the operating theatre and placed him onto the table. It was frightening. The operation is fairly routine but any operation on a sick baby is risky. The only saving grace was knowing that we didn't have a choice: without the operation he was going to die. We went for a walk on Wimbledon Common whilst he was in theatre to try to relax, but I felt sick knowing that my son was in danger. Finally we got a call to say he was ok and we could go and get him from recovery: Karl picked him up. Matthew was very dazed, he cried when he woke but was given some paracetamol to ease any pain he felt, and he slept most of the rest of the day. He was allowed a feed the next day, 24hours after his op. It was wonderful to see him take his milk - although I could sense a fear in him, he was wondering am I going to be sick again? He wasn't! We were discharged 24hours later and Matthew was already looked better. When we had him weighed a few days later he was 7lbs 4oz.

I am continuing to breastfeed when I can, but my milk supply has suffered. I know I should be pleased that we still have Matthew, but I so desperately wanted to breastfeed him. After a few days I decided that it wasn't worth putting Matthew through any more and gave up. I soon realised that this was the wrong thing to do, though, as Matthew was still interested in latching on... and I was beinging to become depressed at the thought of missing out on breastfeeding. We improvised for a few days: Matthew was getting all his nourishment from formula milk, but was willing to latch on at least for comfort a few times a day. We settled into this pattern until I got back in touch with my NCT counciller.

We returned to Manchester finally, and began to get back into a routine. We had been away so long, and so much had happened, that Matthew didn't recognise home for a few days, but soon got comfortable again. We had our first trip on a bus into town, which he loved, and we met up with the other familys from our antenatal group at a reunion. It was good to talk to the other new mums and 'compare notes'. Matthew's first smile was at the reunion, for the midwife that delivered him. We also took a trip into the peak district, and took Matthew into some show caves. He travelled in a pouch with me and slept most of the time... but seemed quite interested in the unusual surroundings. By the end of the month Matthew is more alert, and showing a real interest in his environment, he now enjoys being left to watch his mobile.

Matthew had his first DTP vaccination. He cried a lot when he was injected, but a hug soon settled him down again. I decided against giving Matthew any paracetamol 'just in case', but I would have given it if he showed any signs of reaction. Luckily he did not suffer any side effects at all.

I am still determined to breastfeed Matthew, and I am still producing a couple of ounces of milk a day. I have started to use the supplimentary nursing system - plus plenty of support from the NCT and LLL - in order to help with relactation.