The Darkovan Inquirer was pleased to note that Mestra Mhari Healy has opened Darkover's first bed and breakfast. All power to the tourist industry on Darkover!
Issue #3, 18 April 1998
In a startling turn of events, spontaneous revolution broke out in the Domain of Aldaran this week. Fear of an unstable regime under Mabry Aldaran was fueled by the Lady's absence from the Domain. Shattered health forced Diego, the former Regent of the Domain, to leave. The nervous population waits to find what the future brings.
Elise Storn Dead; Murderer Still Loose in Thendara
Suspected murderer Domna Elise Storn, Keeper of Tramontana, was found dead in Comyn Castle. In addition to her murder, investigators are finding that the earlier death of Dorilys Rockraven is taking on new facets. The investigation will continue. Rumors that the Terran Empire will be getting involved in the investigation are categorically false.
Taking the lead from certain high society members, everyday Darkovans have begun wearing velvet bondage apparatus. When asked why he was wearing pink manacles, one Thendara resident said, "I want to be just like that guy, you know, the Ridenow fellow." Frederick's of Hollywood is reporting strong sales at its Darkover outlet stores.
After weeks of scandalous behavior, Marcello Ridenow shocked local social circles by ending his liaison with the beautiful Lady of Aillard. Many were mortified to discover "Marci" in a clinch with Domna Clara Elhalyn. The phrase "robbing the cradle" comes to mind.
By the way, what was Dom Piedro Aillard-Syrtis doing by himself at Dalereuth? Rumor has it that he is ignoring most of his regular friends and is spending most of his time by the seashore. One of his kyrri has communicated that the Dom is working on not having any tan lines, if you catch our drift.
And what well-known Renunciate has taken up with a Terranan boyfriend this week? Inquiring minds want to know.
Economic sources indicate big problems in the Domains. Unstable finances may threaten the fiber of Darkovan society, especially at the Comyn level. Business concerns throughout Darkover are cautioning the Comyn to show restraint in their spending and to encourage economic growth.
Issue #4 25 April 1998
The rumor mill tells us that Domna Cristilyn Aillard is expecting a child. The father is purported to be the Comyn's most notorious philanderer, Dom Marcello Ridenow. His current paramour, Domna Clara Elhalyn, couldn't be reached for comment.
Recently, residents of Thendara have witnessed a strange phenomenon. Several times a day, a flock of kyorebni mysteriously appears over the city and then suddenly disappears. It is only coincidental that the vultures' timing matches the comings and goings of Dom Regis Di Asturien.
Stories are circulating in Caer Donn about secret police raids on dissidents who expressed republican sentiments during the recent unrest in the Domain of Aldaran. Many feel that freedom of expression, so prevalent recently in Aldaran, will disappear under the new regime. At present, the Darkovan Inquirer has no plans to move from Caer Donn to a safer location.
There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that Leisha is employing trailmen in the kitchen of her Sweet Shop.
Within the last week, the streets of Thendara have been "graced" by the presence of a Drytowner. We have only two words for you, Rakhail: Personal Hygiene.
Reports of an infestation of aphids in the rose gardens of Syrtis are greatly exaggerated. Certainly Domna Jaelle was alert enough to spot the "plant lice" on the buds of one of her biggest cash crops. We wish her well. After all, most of us want her growing roses instead of tobacco, don't we?
Issue 5, 2 May 1998 Servants in Comyn Castle report strange noises coming out of Danvan Hastur's bedroom the night before the Council session. They claim they heard the old Head of Hastur crying out "Oh baby, OH BABY!" amid squeaking bedsprings. Later that night, someone saw a Terran named Amanda Montpelier leaving Danvan's suite. Creepy? Our sources tell us that Leisha's Sweet Shop turned down a lucrative deal with a Terran manufacturer of sweets. While Leisha n'ha Ursula could not be reached for comment, one of her workers tells us that the company wanted her to sell candied insects, particularly chocolate covered grasshoppers, cinnamon ant crunch, and caramel spiders. Ladies of Comyn, what could you have been thinking? Observers in Thendara tell us that the gowns you wore to Council this week were hideous. Perhaps if you used local designers instead of wearing those tacky Terran imports, you would emphasize your beauty instead of making us gag. And which young Renunciate violated her housebound period and snuck out to meet her boyfriend?
Our sources tell us that a certain young Comynara mistook a package of Terran gelatin dessert mix for a hair conditioner. Reportedly, it produced a lovely shade of blue that won't be fading any time soon. Night and Day In light of the protracted Council session that we've recently suffered through, we have to wonder if anyone on Comyn Council has any concept of how many hours are in a Darkovan day? Last week, we criticized the gowns certain Comyn ladies wore to Council. We did not intend to encourage Comyn women to abandon the concept of gowns, only to prompt a change in designers. We hope that the young woman who showed up at Council in a pair of pantaloons will be chastized by her Domain's Head. Did you hear about the burglar who tried to break into the Dalereuth Guild House? We hope he won't miss those fingers he put over the windowsill. The Darkovan Inquirer wonders, Dom Marcello, whether there is any shoe polish left in Thendara after you turned your hair black. Tragedy in the Sweet Shop Our sympathies to Leisha n'ha Ursula, whose Sweet Shop was wrecked by a rampant banshee this week. Just our luck: the DI moves to Thendara, and now we can't get our sugar high. We hope she'll be back in business soon. Now that the relays have headquartered themselves at Neskaya Tower, will anyone there get any work done other than chatting? What was going on at Terran Headquarters in Thendara? At midweek, those in the Trade City report hearing wild screaming and laughing. Many high officials for the Empire were seen staggering drunkenly in the HQ compound. This does little to reassure the public that the Terran presence is not a menace. With the re-awakening of Valentina n'ha Doria, people around Darkover are noticing a marked shortage of Turkish Delight. Yet at her advanced age, does she have any teeth left for the confection to stick together, or is she just gumming it? Terranan Tragedy? Reports from our friends in the Terran Zone tell us that a certain high official in their government confused a tube of toothpaste with a tube of hemorrhoid treatment. We always knew those Terrans didn't know which end was which! The Caer Donn Public Library has recently received an enormous cash donation from an anonymous donor. The amount is enough to make the library finacially independent from the Domain of Aldaran. Library Director Doria Scathfell tells us that the money came "from somewhere out west". Laundry folk at Comyn Castle have been complaining bitterly about trying to get the pillowcases from the Ridenow Suite clean. Out of kindness, Dom Marcello, please cover your hair at night or find a hair dye that won't rub off on everything. Have you seen the back of his chair in the Council Chamber? Applause go out to Leisha n'ha Ursula for her creation of laxative chocolates for Dom Marcello Ridenow. They should help. In fact, the DI suggests you feed them to all those folks who have the need to create RPG rules. A good cleaning out will help them to get some perspective. Congratulatia She's BAAAACK! The girl all Darkovan society loves to hate has returned to the Thendara social swirl. Dom Jorik, you should have married Damisella Mabry when you had the chance. We'd suggest you put a padlock on your zipper. And Dom Eduin, now would be a good time for you and Lady
Carena to take a vacation from Thendara. Eliadha, dear, who is minding the bookshop while you are galavanting around with your friends? Don't trust that clerk you hired. We hear she has sticky fingers in the money drawer. By the way, has anyone at Castle Hastur heard of a broom? Recent visitors report dustballs in th corners, lots of cobwebs, and debris everywhere. Perhaps if Council sessions lasted a realistic time instead of forever, someone could oversee the property. It is a disgrace to the Domains to have such an important building in such disrepair. Note sent anonymously to the DI: We are glad to inform you of the miraculous recovery of Dom Piedro Aillard, due, it seems, to "deesee". When questioned, one of the castle servants said, "Deesee? Oh...well, a...plant, yes, that is, a plant...indigenous to Temora's salt marshes...brought to Thendara by an experienced healer. A miracle!" There are no plans to market the remedy at the moment, we are told. From the Barracks Guardsmen continue searching the castle and the city to locate a dishevelled fellow who rushed by the Guardsment at the gate and disappeared in the Castle, near the Aillard apartments. Captain Lanart reports, "Nobody has disrupted the Aillards, and the guards at the door saw nothing untoward happening. Strange sounds? Late night and early morning strange sounds coming from the Aillard chambers? Nobody's complained that we know of." The clerk who was embezzling from the cash drawer of Eliadha's bookstore is now called "Stumpy" by her friends. A traveler on the road stopped at Edelweiss to visit his friend Paolo who works in the stables. What he found shocked him. The Lady of Edelweiss was found asleep at her breakfast table with her face down in her oatmeal. Two servants, Paolo and Dina the cook, were also found in deep slumber. The Heir, Gwenneth Lanart y Hastur, was nowhere to be seen. Kidnapping is suspected. Many of us are wondering why we haven't heard from Valentina n'ha Doria lately. One wag in Thendara claims Auntie Val's ancient teeth are currently locked together by Turkish Delight. Cheers for Marcello While this paper has never been a big fan of Lord Marcello Ridenow, we must applaud him for the stand he took in Council abhoring the torture of the young Drytowner recently captured near Edelweiss. If we descend into such Terranan barbarisms, are we any better than tthe off-worlders? A young lad named Kyril has recently been discovered homeless in the streets. He claims his mother's name is Lanni, but knows nothing else. the boy apparently has an early outset of strong laran. If you know his mother's whereabouts, please contact the DI or Dom Damien Elhalyn. A pair of unwary Terranan tourists, unaware what "summer" means in terms of Darkovan climate, decided to go skiing in the mountains near Caer Donn this week without the appropriate Darkovan guide. Anyone who has ever been in the Hellers can guess what followed. Their frozen corpses will be returned to the Terran authorities as soon as possible. Of course you know that Dom Marcello Ridenow has been dithering for weeks over what he will wear to the Midsummer Ball. In light of his present physical condition, may we suggest that dark brown trousers would be an appropriate choice? Renunciate Style While Comyn ladies are deciding what gowns to wear to the ball, they should look to the Renunciates as the forerunners of fashion. While visiting Eliadha's Bookshop recently, we were allowed to take a photo of the proprietor in her ball gown. Good Job! It is our understanding that Congratulatia didn't approve of us referring to her in the familiar. She must have forgotten that she and the editor had a torrid affair a few years ago. Of course, when you sleep with as many men as Congra, it must be hard to keep track. Is it true that they were considering declaring her a public utility? When a reporter for the DI went to Leisha's Sweet Shop to buy some of those laxative chocolates for an ex-lover (or is that Ex-Lax Lover?) he found that she was not in and had not been at work recently. Perhaps she is ashamed to find out she has a Drytown relative? Issue #13 27 June 1998 For most, the Midsummer Ball is an occasion of joy and fun. Pity the poor young lady who caught her long-time suitor having sexual relations with her best friend in one of the storage rooms in the castle. Not only was she mortified by the betrayal, but this was the first time she had seen him with his pants down and was disgusted by his hairy behind. Renunciate Style Revisited The DI applaudes the Renunciates who attended the ball. All of them dressed with originality and flair. They outshone many of those stuffy Comyn ladies with their imported styles. Vibrant colors, daring necklines: they certainly caught my attention. Did you notice young Gab Alton drooling every time Idriel MacAran went by? His friends almost had to tie a bib around his neck to keep his shirt dry. Ask her out, already, will you? How long are we going to have those infernal priestesses knocking on our doors and asking if we accept the gods? Your editor has been awakened from his afternoon naps at least three times in as many days. We've also heard rumors that they are going to pitch a huge tent outside the city for a revival meeting. It's enough to make a guy go atheist. Who catered the atrocious food at the Midsummer Ball at Comyn Castle? I for one was repulsed by the greasy, poorly cooked food. Some traditional Darkovan dishes would have been nice. Instead, we got poor imitations of Terranan recipes. Yuck! Festival Get? With all the--shall we say, romantic interludes?--surrounding the Ball, the DI has to wonder how many little nedestro brats we'll see around Thendara in about 9 months. Congra did it again. Always the height of tackiness, she outdid herself at the ball. Congra watchers are all asking themselves, how more repulsive can she behave? Our favorite Fool's birthday was celebrated in a grand manner when his friends from Dalereuth Tower managed to have a banshee bird dressed in drag jump out of a cake. We have to wonder what Dom Carlo would have thought if he had seen his beloved Piedro's face covered with splattered icing and banshee feathers? We almost feel sorry for the poor Priestess of Avarra who entered Eliadha's bookstore and protested what the priestess perceived as obscene secular texts. Actually, Eliadha was remarkably restrained as she "escorted" the priestess out of the shop. Stephen Alton Assaulted In another attack on the Alton family, Dom Stephen Alton was assaulted and seriously injured in Comyn Castle this week. As with the previous attack on Domna Carena, the culprit has not been apprehended. Just when we thought it was safe to eat lunch in Thendara again, we spotted Congratulatia Elhalyn and Emelda Lanart-Hastur dining together and giggling like a pair of schoolgirls. Apparently, they were not aware that it is rude to apply one's makeup in public, especially while eating. Confusion exists regarding the whereabouts of Terran Sub-Legate John Cowan. Reports have him both at Port Chicago and Thendara at the same time. Mestru Cowan, we know, is a man of many talents, but this is beyond even his acknowledged skills. Tongues were wagging all over Darkover when Domna Marisela Hastur y Ardais left Dom Stephen Alton standing at the altar in favor of Keeper Damien Elhalyn. We can only wonder what Marisela and Damien will have at their wedding supper. May we suggest capon? A certain Daimary MacAran recently attacked the DI offices out of anger about a story we ran last week about her supposed mistreatment of a banshee named Ivan. She forgets two things: First of all, he complaint is with the Darkovan Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals; the DI merely ran the report. Secondly, with all the attacks that have been made on our offices both in Thendara and Caer Donn, do you really think her solo effort was going to succeed? Upon entering her Sweet Shop one morning this week, Leisha n'ha Ursula found chocolate, whipped cream, and other sweets smeared all over. On one of the counters was a blob of whipped cream, and pressed into it was clearly the impression of someone's buttocks. When Leisha saw the imprint, she is reported saying "Hmmmm. That reminds me of someone I know." Authorities in Caer Donn are faced with a curious shortage in the city's bakeries. It seems that there are no eclairs and cream puffs to be found anywhere in the city. Authorities are concerned that tourists arriving for the Adore Eternally appearance will be particularly disappointed by the lack of pastry. Thank you to all our readers for your patience while your editor took a brief vacation last week. There is no truth to the rumor that he was having an illicit affair with a certain novelist in Caer Donn. We at the DI are starting to believe that random time warps are floating around Thendara. Now it seems that one day at the Verrin Hawk is the equivalent of two weeks for the rest of us. Those of us who have tried to reach Arilinn Tower in the relays recently have been unsuccessful. No one has seen or heard from anyone in the Tower Circle for quite a long time. DI reporters have been unsuccessful in obtaining any information about the Tower's current status or the well-being of its inhabitants. The first Darkovan Yahtzee Tournament, scheduled next month, has been cancelled. It seems that the only game set on the planet was accidentally destroyed near Corandolis. No news on when a replacement can be found. Citizens of Aldaran tremble in their homes as rumor of a rampaging Lap-Dog spread throughout the Domain. Once a small nuisance, the creature got ahold of some highly potent Terran dog food and now when he sits around the house, he sits around the house. The Lap-Dog that has continued to ravage Aldaran has remained unchecked in its reign of terror. On the positive side, public opinion polls in Caer Donn show Regis Di Asturien is three percentage points ahead of the Lap-Dog. Those who feel Marcello Ridenow plays dirty will be amused to hear that a Terranan knocked him in the mud. Hey, Marci, is that a new hair treatment? Conspicuously absent from Darkovan society of late has been Damien Elhalyn. After grabbing center stage for so long, he has virtually disappeared. Is foul play involved or has Domna Marisela kept him in her thrall? Pity the poor kitchen workers at Serrais. Not only do they have to cater to the notoriously fussy Marcello Ridenow, but now they are being forced to cook for a renegade band of Drytowers. In addition, Emelda Lanart-Hastur is there. Our sympathies go out to the pastry chef. A recent incident among the Dalereuth Tower party surprised many. It seems that Piedro Aillard and Conrado MacAran have a certain--shall we say similarity--in an area which (mercifully) most of us haven't had the opportunity to see. Gee, and we thought that was something in which most men were individuals! Love is in the air throughout Darkover. This special issue is devoted to Romance Contrary to popular myth, the Goddess Sharra was not destroyed during the time of Regis Hastur. While the sword through which Sharra's energies were channeled was indeed destroyed, the goddess herself still exists and still has worshippers. Please beware of the Forge Goddess! Issue #32, 21 November 1998 A scheduled maintenance has shut down the relays around the planet for a few days. Personnel in the towers assure us that everything should be operational in a few days. For the first time in decades, there is a "keeper crisis" on Darkover. Most of the Keepers at our Towers have been out of touch. Dom Aidan at Tramontana, Domna Myria at Neskaya, Dom Damien at Thendara, and Dom Ryobard at Arilinn have been notably silent in the relays. It is with joy, though, that we report that Domna Marilla has returned to Dalereuth. Still, we must wonder about losing the precious resource that is our Keepers. Relief swept Darkover with the news that Marcello Ridenow is indeed alive and staying with his dear friend Diego Storn in the Hellers as he recovers from an aircar accident. Storn tells Darkovan Inquirer reporters that Lord Serrais is resting comfortably and that he is receiving the best care. Dom Diego would not say how long Marcello would be recuperating at High Windward. The Society for Darkovan Decency recently staged a protest in Thendara over a reputedly anatomically correct statue. The protest broke up when it was discovered that the offending appendage was really a large bird dropping which flaked off in the hand of one of the protesters. We have recently learned that Damisela Mabry Aldaran swore at Domna Myria Lanart, the Keeper of Neskaya. What is happening to the current generation when a Keeper must be the recipient of swearing? Neither Domna Myria nor Damisela Mabry could be reached for comment. An unprecedented silence has descended over Darkover. The normal hustle and bustle has given way to a silent night. Do we detect the influence of Ashara on the community?
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Hundreds of citizens of Caer Donn have been arrested in a crackdown on dissidents. Rumor has it that the schools and the public library will soon be shut down by the secret police. In the wake of this action, the Darkovan Inquirer is packing up its Caer Donn offices and moving to Thendara next week. Meanwhile, in an ages-old attempt to exonerate themselves, high officials within the Domain are trying to cover up the atrocities with shallow denials.
Speaking of the Comyn, did you hear about the prominent gentleman who became intoxicated in a local tavern, propositioning all the women who work there? We ask you, sir, don't you have enough nedestro offspring in Thendara?
A certain young man of distinguished family was spotted this week hanging from the rail of a second floor balcony of a Thendara townhouse. It seems that this lad was in the bedroom of a sweet young lady when her father came home. We hope he has recovered from his fall into the flower bed below, but be forewarned--her father has figured it out!
The Darkovan Inquirer is now settled in our new headquarters in Thendara. Apparently, we escaped from Caer Donn in the nick of time. All the border passes into Aldaran seem to be sealed and the only way in or out is by Terran air car. Caer Donn is reportedly under martial law and reports of repression are abundant.
A pair of Terran-made lace panties were found outside the Hastur Suite in Comyn Castle. They are embroidered with the initials "AM". Anyone knowing the whereabouts of the owner should contact Captain Eduin Alton, Commander of the Guards.
News from the missing Caravan tells us that it should return soon to Thendara. Those who have friends and relatives on the Caravan, please stop calling the DI office. We do not know the names of the survivors.
Turkish Delight Shortage
A snoopy housemaid got herself wedged in one of the passageways behind the Elhalyn Suites in Comyn Castle. She reports seeing some strange sights, including catching a glimpse of Damien Elhalyn in his bath...or should we say, "its" bath? The poor dear girl was so shocked at the sight that she fainted dead away and when she woke up, her rather copious posterior was tightly stuck. Luckily, another maid who came in to change the linens heard her cries and the staff got her out before the Elhalyns could find out.
To the young man who borrowed his father's best horse to go see his girlfriend in the middle of the night: Sir, that beast deserved better than to be left out in the rain tied to a tree while you wooed your beloved. Couldn't you at least see to the animal's well-being first?
Leisha's Special Recipe
What is going on at Serrais? Reports tell us that last evening there was a wild party that involved several young Comyn skinny-dipping in the pool. And we didn't even have four moons in conjunction! Why weren't they being supervised? Or do the Ridenow need even more nedestro children?
And where did Domna Marisela disappear to so suddenly last week? Could the rumors be true that she has a lover stashed away at Castle Ardais that she has to keep happy?
We're fascinated by the prospect of Regis Di Asturien taking up residence at Castle Aldaran as co-Regent. Does this mean Thendara's flock of kyorebni will follow?
Our fashion editor can't wait to see what latest atrocities Darkovan ladies will wear to the Midsummer Ball. A bit of advise: keep it simple! And Congra, go easy on the make-up for a change.
Rumor has it that those two love-birds Gwenneth and Rakhail have in-law trouble. And we thought that having Emelda Lanart y Hastur in town would make the honeymoon go well.
Poor Congratulatia! We were shocked, yes shocked to see so many wrinkles hiding behind her pancake makeup. That must be why that ridiculous fan is always in front of her face. I guess it's time to go back to Vainwal for another face lift.
Issue #14, 4 July 1998
The beloved Domna Carena was stabbed at the ball. Luckily the wound was not fatal. But we must ask, why attack such a well-admired comynara?
Speaking of Dalereuth Tower, why wasn't the ever-glamorous Domna Marilla there? Her absence not only tarnished the luster of the party but created rumors of some mysterious mission.
Fussbudgets Interplanetary has appointed Dom Gabriel Alton as their Grammarian General for Darkover. Woe be it anyone who makes a typographical error!
Fashion-watchers in Thendara have been appalled lately by the bizarre dress of the normally natty Lord Marcello Ridenow. It seems the tempermental lord has fired most of his servants, including his laundry women. As a result, he is trying to piece together outfits from his remaining clean clothes. Lord Marcello, it would be better to wear soiled garments than to parade around in teal and royal blue. They just don't go together.
The recently formed Darkovan Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (DSPCA) has recently begun protesting the cruel treatment of a banshee bird named Ivan. It seems that this poor animal has been subjected to such atrocities as being forced to jump out of a cake while wearing human clothing, fed chocolate and bunny slippers instead of Banshee Chow, and forced to watch his owner dressed as a sea monster. DSPCA plans to take Daimary MacAran to court over her mistreatment of Ivan.
Rumor has it that a full-blooded chieri has appeared at Comyn Castle, yet the press has been kept away. Once again, the Comyn has prevented the type of information access that ensures freedom of the press.
We have to wonder about reports that Emelda Lanart-Hastur went into Eliadha's bookstore, purchased a copy of The Joy of Sex, and sent it to her niece Marisela Hastur y Ardais with the note "Just thought you'd like to know what you and the wolf's head are missing."
After an extended absence, Lord Marcello Ridenow has returned to his estate. Now at least those of us in Thendara can rest our eyes for a while instead of witnessing his garish outfits.
There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that Myria Lanart, the Keeper of Neskaya, has resigned her post to join the Renunciates. However, many of us do suspect the Keeper of having a role in the recent disappearance of Gwenneth Lanart-Hastur. If it's true, the DI applauds Domna Myria for getting the tramp out of Thendara.
What Cheek!
A young boy was fishing in a pond near Thendara and caught one of the strangest fish we've ever heard of. It had three eyes in a blocky head. Eliadha of book store fame happened to be walking along, looked at the fish, and exclaimed, "It looks just like Gabriel Alton!" Gabriel Alton could not be reached for comment.
The Inquirer wants to know why no progress has been made in solving the murder of Elise Storn, Keeper of Tramontana. The prime suspect, Amanda Montpelier, has not been seen for weeks. Why has the Guard not put an all-out effort to solve this case?
A certain young lady near Caer Donn has kept an Adore Eternally novel out overdue from the Caer Donn Public Library for over six weeks. Boy is she going to have a big fine when she gets back to Aldaran!
Issue #19, 15 August 1998
We are absolutely appalled with the prospect of Congratulatia Elhalyn in charge of the Hasturs in Thendara while the rest of her family is away. We'd even prefer the wife of the Drytowner to the Queen of Cosmetics.
Rumor has it that the Lady of Aldaran has vanished without a trace from Comyn Castle. The word is that one of her Regents has eliminated her in a power play.
We were touched by the spontaneous MacAran family reunion in the Verrin Hawk this week. Tell us, Daimary, if you have a brother named "Conn" do you have another named "Pro"?
How long must we endure the half-world of Danvan Hastur's Regency? While he has served Darkover well, his repeated health crises have kept him from perfoming his duties properly. Let's end the pretense and make Jorik Hastur the Regent now.
Thendara citizens who frequent Leisha's Sweet Shop were pleasantly surprised to find an assortment of cream puffs and eclairs on the shelves. When the employees were asked why Leisha started carrying these pastries, the staff looked in shock. "Why sir, we have always baked them every morning." In a related story, while cream puff sales were high in Caer Donn last week, Leisha reported her first net loss since she opened the shop.
We have to wonder with all the young men and women going to Dalereuth for training, will they be training in matrix science or training in some other kind of "exercise"?
Why was the Heir Apparent to Hastur allowed to leave Thendara when his grandfather was so ill? Instead of traipsing off to the Yellow Forest with beautiful women, Jorik Hastur should have remained in the city. Now we're faced with the prospect of having Emelda Lanart-Hastur as interim Regent.
Rumors are circulating about strange goings-on at Armida. No one has seen an Alton in weeks. What are they all doing out there? (And please don't tell us that they have been riding horses)
Two young Guardsmen were taking a shower in the Thendara Guard Hall the other day when they noticed a hole in the wall opposite them. When one young lad bent over to look through the hole, he had a momentary glimpse of a eye looking back at him. Startled, the two boys dressed quickly and tried to find where the other side of the hole was. Apparently, there is an old passageway in the wall and there is abundant evidence of recent use back there. Guard officials are investigating.
Sources tell us that a new foal at Armida was born with six legs. The stablemaster told our reporter that the baby horse died during delivery. We have to wonder what could have caused such a deformity.
Scuttlebutt around Caer Donn is that Regis DiAsturien, Co-Regent of Aldaran is planning a palace coup in the absence of Damisela Mabry. Haven't we been through this before? Is there something in the castle water that gets to its Regents?
It came as a real surprise to us to learn that Leisha n'ha Ursula has a fear of snakes. Perhaps it comes from spending time in the past with that most reptilian Marcello Ridenow?
Darrin McFall, a young typesetter at the Darkovan Inquirer office, was executed this week for repeatedly failing to spell "Armida" properly.
Rumor has it that Congratulatia Elhalyn has gained considerable weight from eating cream puffs with her Aunt Emelda. While the Lady of Edelweiss has the body frame for a generous amount of flesh, on Congra it just looks, shall we say, "saggy"?
There have been reports of serious chocolate-stealing among the party traveling to Dalereuth Tower. Come on, kids, be nice and share.
Darkover is again the victim of an insiduous rudeness disease. It seems most prevalent in young males whose names begin with "G". Precautions must be taken or the victim will be reduced to a heap of quivering snot.
Last week, we stated that the infamous Congratulatia was getting fat. We retract that statement. It's not fat that you are seeing; it's cellulite!
Amid denials that he plans a coup in Aldaran, Regis Di Asturien's posters have appeared all over the Domain, especially in Caer Donn. Is it mearly a coincidence that this is happening at the same time that terror over the Lap-Dog has destabilized the opposition? Once can only hope that the Head of the Domain and the other Co-Regent can return to Aldaran before it is too late.
Clandestine Terranan bomb manufacturers were apprehended in Carthon this week by a secret strike force of the Thendara Guards. Dom Eduin Alton is to be commended for sending the commandos on a successful mission, even if it was outside the Domains.
The rumor mill tells us that the sweet young thing who calls herself Kierestelli MacAran is indeed one of Marcello Ridenow's by-blows. Marci, we told you all thouse years ago to control yourself during the Festival, didn't we? But everyone knows what happens when four moons rise.
Piedro, can't you do something with them? The Dalereuth gang is still in a state of perpetual delay. Come on, folks, get to the Tower already! There are some people who really need to take their oaths before Midwinter!
A note to Frank Barber: While you're in the aircar with Emelda, make sure you keep your zipper up! She tends to get bored when she has nothing to do but stare out the window.
Management of the Keeper's Pride Inn reports a major crisis. It seems that certain guests have stolen all the towels and ashtrays. Looks like Dalereuth Tower will be redecorating.
We almost feel sorry for Congratulatia Elhalyn y Ridenow. It seems that Congra is planning a big wedding bash for a bridegroom who doesn't know it yet. Are proxy marriages legal in the Domains? Speaking of the wedding, we also hear she has asked Gabriel Alton to give her away. How can you give away something that so many others have already taken?
Reports are that Diego Storn has captured the Lap-Dog of Aldaran and has imprisoned it at Castle Storn. Now if he could only do the same to Regis Di Asturien.
Recent attempts at terrorizing the staff of this newspaper have failed. We are safely placed in a secret refuge and will continue to operate despite of, no, because of our enemies. By the way, our circulation is up about 20%. Keep reading the DI!
Reports have come in that the travelers who are going to the Yellow Forest have had a serious encounter with Terranan who are not affiliated with the Empire. And we thought they all were.
By now we are sure Terran pilot Frank Barber has found out what goes on at the Oily Cralmac. We hope he gets over the friction marks from the leather straps in time for his next scheduled flight.
Adore Eternally's latest pot-boiler, The Rough and the Smooth has reached the intergalactic best seller charts. While copies are available in Estonian, Finnish, and Dutch, Eliadha's Book Shop reports that they are sold out of the casta version.
A group of Ya-Men petitioned the Imperial Legate for protected status on Darkover. They claim that their aboriginal status entitles them to negotiate separate treaties with the Empire rather than allowing the Domains to speak for the planet. Rumor has it that the Catmen will be filing a similar petition soon.
Darkover's first nudist colony was established this week in the countryside near Dalereuth. After the first day, those who survived admitted that maybe clothes weren't always such a bad thing.
Citizens throughout the Domains are warned that there have been sporatic outbreaks of Trailmen's Fever reported. Remember to wash your hands frequently and stay out of establishments where the sanitary conditions are not known.
Poor Ivan! Everyone's favorite domesticated banshee has been having a hard time lately. His feedings have been irregular and strange things have been hiding under his bed. For his well-being, we hope that Daimary gets him back to Dalereuth Tower soon.
Citizens for a Safe Thendara reports that crime is on the rise in the city. Many establishments have been robbed and residents accosted on the streets. Perhaps more money should be spent on the Guards to protect our beloved city.
The Imperial Financial Times issued its annual "Wealthiest Citizens" report. No one on Darkover made the top twenty (no surprise there) but Diego Storn was listed among the top hundred. Apparently, his ill-gotten Aldaran fortune is on the rise again. Too bad some little honey doesn't go to Castle Storn to help him spend his dough.
He must be feeling better. Reports from Comyn Castle are again saying that Lord Danvan Hastur, the Regent of the Seven Domains, is once more having young women visiting his suite late at night. And we really believe the story that they are all hard-working interns.
The Darkovan Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals is preparing to stage another protest, this time at Serrais. It seems that Emelda Lanart-Hastur, a guest of Dom Marcello, cruelly dangled a small puppy named Aphros, threatening him with bodily harm if she didn't get her way. We hope that the DSPCA members have had all their shots, because rumor has it that there's been an outbreak of Trailmen's Fever at Serrais.
In direct contradiction to written reports in the possession of this newspaper, Dom Eduin Alton y Aillard, Commander of the Guards, has denied that crime in Thendara has been on the upswing lately. Come on, Eduin, open your eyes! Or are you too busy contemplating cheating on your lovely wife with the likes of Congratulatia Elhalyn?
All of us in the Darkovan community breathed a sigh of relief when Dom Jorik Hastur and Damisela Mabry Aldaran declared their love for each other. The tension between the two has been hovering in the air so long that the only surprise is that it took this long. What a beautiful couple! We wish you happiness. A word to the wise: Avoid the Romeo and Juliet Syndrome.
After the steamy incident in Leisha's Sweet Shop a few months back, we were afraid this couple would cool off. Instead, their love is turning into a classic romance. We hope they see each other soon, or young Raphael may burst.
Oh, Dom Diego! Please be careful! All your time in isolation will make you vulernable to the Make-Up Queen. She's a dangerous vixen--not your type at all. If you want to date someone, how about the ever-lovely Domna Elorie?
Now there's a pair! The stern, dry Co-Regent of Aldaran and the hedonistic, ass-pinching Lady of Edelweiss! They deserve each other.
As far as Marcello Ridenow goes, he still is with his greatest love: himself. One has to wonder what Domna Cristilyn and Domna Clara ever saw in the self-absorbed Lord Serrais.
We know there are many more lovers out there in our community. Even if we didn't mention you in this issue, keep in mind how much all of us enjoy the romantic interludes under the
Bloody Sun.
Sharra Lives
Reports are that Marcello Ridenow and his Terranan pilot Frank Barber are missing and presumed dead in an air crash near the Hellers. On hearing the news, a bartender at the Oiled Cralmac broke down and cried. When asked why he was so broken up over Frank Barber, the bartender replied, "The hell with Barber! Marci was one of our best customers!"
The kennels at Castle Storn report that both the infamous Lap-Dog or Aldaran and Dom Diego's dog Jasper are missing. There is a reward for any information about their whereabouts.
Castle sources in Aldaran report that Dom Regis Di Asturien is working with assassins to kill his archrival Diego Storn. While Storn was warned in time to be on alert, this is one more indication of how the renegade Di Asturien plans to seize power permanently.
The annual garden show in Thendara was disrupted when drunken Drytowners rampaged through the city's convention center. Almost a million credits in rare imported Terran orchids were destroyed in the incident. As usual, the Guards are investigating.
A fishing crew at Temora recently caught a sea chieri in their nets. As the fishermen went to free the being, it spoke to them, reportedly saying: "Where is Piedro Aillard? It has been so long since I played with him on the beach at Dalereuth."
Rumors are circulating around Thendara and other communities that a purity test will be issued across Darkover. Many a young comynara fainted with the shock of their fathers finding out the state of the young ladies' purity.
The elephantine Lap-Dog of Aldaran and his companion Jasper the Sheltie are still at large. Dom Diego Storn is asking a reward for information leading to their recovery.
Observers in Caer Donn were shocked to find the ambitious Co-Regent of Aldaran having lunch with the likes of Congratulatia Elhalyn y Ridenow. Witnesses tell us that the two had a difficult conversation, since there were many mirrors in the room and both were busy looking at their reflections.
Observers in the west tell us that the trailmen in that area are behaving strangely. Those able to communicate with the trailmen keep hearing rumors of a goddess among them. All we can say is we hope it isn't another incarnation of Sharra.
There has been a major discovery of rubies at a mine outside of Arcarran. Since rubies have traditionally been a talisman to preserve virginity, isn't it ironic that they were discovered near a town well-known for its prostitutes and seedy brothels?
Issue #33, 28 November 1998
Now that Domna Jaelle Syrtis is again in residence, we look forward to seeing more of her fabulous hybrid roses at the Thendara Garden Club Show this year. Rumor has it that she has it that she has developed a new strain of black rose named "Marcello".
Dalereuth is awash with excitement. After a long, long courtship, Domna Marjorie Ridenow will soon wed her beloved Derek. At least this wedding will really happen. Those in the know hold out little hope that the much-touted wedding of Congratulatia Elhalyn y Ridenow to Jorik Hastur will ever take place.
Bakeries throughout the Domains are reporting a high level of thefts of pastries. Observers have noted that there have also been increased Trailmen sightings in the same areas where the goods have been stolen. What, pray tell, could the connection be?
Lord Marcello Ridenow is still missing and feared dead. If "Marci" is not found, we wonder who inherits the Domain? With all the Ridenows around, it could be quite an interesting scramble.
Tiffany's Interplanetary is holding a major exhibit of jewelry design at its store in Caer Donn. One challenge facing the firm in its Darkovan market is the popularity of copper jewelry. Instead of working with cheap metals such as gold and silver, Tiffany's was forced to find a skilled coppersmith to create original designs out of precious copper. The exhibit will last until Midwinter and the public is invited to come to Caer Donn. It will certainly be a good opportunity to purchase that special Midwinter gift for your beloved.
Long absent from the social swirl, Marco MacAran has again surfaced among the Comyn. Rumor has it that he has been spending all his time romancing a Terranan woman.
A certain little puppy is being very spoiled at Dalereuth Tower. Come on, gang--stop playing with the dog and get to work on the relays.
Not since Marguerida Alton did her training there centuries ago has Neskaya had a trainee as willful as Damisella Mabry Aldaran. We only hope that the skilled Domna Myria of Neskaya can help Mabry harness her Rockraven Gift before she fries us all.
It is with a sigh of relief that we hear Aldaran's Co-Regent Dom Raphael will return to the Domain. We have to wonder, though, if he will be too late to save Caer Donn from the clutches of Regis DiAsturien.
Terran Authorities are in shock after reports leaked out into the Empire that students at the orphanage in Thendara have been cheating on their service entry exams. Despite repeated calls, neither the Terran Legate nor Sublegate John Cowan could be reached for comment.
We have to wonder why orders have come through from High Windward for the purchase of large quantities of arsenic and strychnine. Perhaps they have a problem there with rats.
We have to wonder just what is in that matrix-locked box that disappeared recently from Comyn Castle. One wit among the Comyn suggested that it contained Domna Marisela's common sense for getting involved with Damien Elhalyn. The Regent of Ardais was not in her office and could not be reached for comment.
The party headed toward the Yellow Forest has finally reached its destination. At the rate these people move, Domna Cristilyn Aillard will have already delivered her Ridenow spawn and have started on another offspring by the time everyone gets back.
We have eye-witness accounts from Castle Aldaran that Regis Di Asturien threw the book at his co-Regent Dom Raphael when the young man returned to his rightful position at Caer Donn. Is this just one more sign that the repressive regime of Di Asturien will continue its iron-handed tactics?
The justifiable fury with which Domna Myria Lanart has thrown at Damisela Mabry Aldaran has increased her reputation as the Cold Keeper. Yet the rumor persists that the Lady of Neskaya truly has a tender heart. It remains to be seen if any kindness will manifest itself before the Lady of Aldaran zaps someone else with her Rockraven Gift.
Appalling Behavior
For a long time, we have suspected that Sub-Legate John Cowan has been misunderstood. Now we know why. He speaks a language that none of us knows and he writes books about it!
Poor Dom Marcello Ridenow! Trapped at High Windward, he doesn't know whom to trust. Take it from us, Marci, don't eat too much while there. Do they have carry-out restaurants in the Hellers?
Pity the poor dear in the Yellow Forest who found out that her brother was a pain in the neck. Isn't that what brothers are for? Hey Roybard! Don't forget that there are chieri all around, so be nice to your sister.
We've just learned that the long-awaited newest Adore Eternally novel is available. Called The Traitor's Son, it deals with how a pasty-faced, long-haired empath with no fashion sense betrays those around him while romancing too many women at once.
Our sources in Nevarsin tell us that many unusual activities are taking place. The cristoforos appear to be in a buying frenzy and quite a few individuals are hanging plants in the arches of doorways and kissing underneath them. It makes one wonder if they have all taken leave of their senses.
The Priestesses on Mormallo are very secretive and we cannot get a reporter onto the island. Fishermen nearby, however, report that the priestesses have been gathering in groups to sing strange songs. One was about some little town and another was about bells ringing.
What were the Carthonese doing? Households were reported lighting a candle a day for eight days and giving gifts to each other for eight straight days. When our reporter asked what was going on, all that resulted was silence and stares.
A laughing fat man in a red suit was seen trying to climb down chimneys in Caer Donn. He was reported leaving boxes by people's firesides. When he approached Castle Aldaran, however, he was foiled, for Dom Regis Di Asturien ordered that blazing fires be lit in every fireplace in the castle. The fat man isn't laughing any more, we bet.
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