Back Issues of the Darkovan Inquirer for 2000

Issue #89, 1 January 2000

Water Works?

If, as Kyril DiAsturien claims, the water on Darkover is better than cosmetic surgery, then why is Danvan Hastur such a wrinkled old prune? He must be hydrophobic.

Chocolate Thievery Grows

If there is one chink in Myria Lanart’s armor, it is probably chocolate. She is a suspect in the recent theft of Amalie’s birthday cake. And this is after spending an evening gorging herself in Leisha’s Sweet Shop! (How does she stay so thin?)

Lady Slipper

Speaking of theft, rumor has is that Melissa Ridenow has stolen Piedro Aillard’s collection of fuzzy slippers and plans to parade her shameless collection in front of Alan Ridenow. Remember, Melissa, the only thing he finds attractive is his sword.

Raising a Stink

Would somebody please remove the body of Edric Lanart from the parlor in Comyn Castle? It’s starting to stink!

Horse Feathers

Let’s hope the rumor isn’t true that the horse breeders at Armida have crossed a equine and a banshee in an effort to produce flying horses. If the rumor is true, snow won’t be the only thing flying out of the Darkovan sky.

&*%#@!

The Darkovan Academy for the Use of Vulgar Language recently opened its doors in Dalereuth. Initial enrollment is high, and the students are excited about displaying their creativity in a practical setting.

It’s Fishy

We hear that some cadets, assigned to kitchen duty, have been trying to scale potatoes and peel fish. Clearly the word "mess" in the Guard Hall takes on new meaning.

Issue #90, 8 January 2000

Heads Up!

Most of us try to avoid watching Dom Piedro Aillard eat, since it is usually a disgusting chocolate-smeared event. Now that he has taken to eating chervine heads, we’re not sure whether that’s an improvement or not.

You Get What You Give

Reports are in that a certain Ethan Kadarin has been cavorting with the likes of Alaric MacDoevid. While we’re sure you guys deserve each other, we can’t forget the old Terranan proverb, "When you lie down with snakes, expect to get bitten."

Oily to Bed

Leave it to the Terranan to initiate another ugly fad on Darkover. This time, the young people have begun anointing themselves with olive oil and balsamic vinegar, following the preferences of Dr. Gavin MacDonnell. Parents are complaining, especially since all olive oil and balsamic vinegar on Darkover has to be imported.

Cruising for a Bruising

Perhaps turtlenecks will come into fashion in Thendara soon, especially since a certain Domain Head now has the need to cover up his neck.

Priceless Art Treasure Destroyed

The last existing vase from the legendary Ardais potteries that thrived two centuries ago was destroyed in Storn Suites by a fit of pique from Domna Lynira Hastur. While no specific value was given on the vase, sources tell us that it was a priceless piece of Darkovan art.

Putting on the Damper

The failure of the leroni in Thendara to repair the Council Chambers’ has delayed the second day of Council. At this rate, none of our planet’s pressing needs will ever get solved. Things don’t just move slowly among the Comyn: they don’t move at all. Is it any wonder that everyday Darkovans perceive the ruling class as totally ineffective?

Issue #91, 15 January 2000

Blow-Up

There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that a major retail chain on Terra wants to rent Anya Lindir as a float in its annual parade.

Sloppy Kisses

We suspect that the big, sloppy canine kiss that Cavalier gave one of the Ridenow twins recently is the first one in a long time that did not end with the proverbial Yahtzee game.

Sooner of Leynier

So Alana Aldaran Leynier is back in Thendara...well, if we survived Congra and Amanda and Emelda, I guess we can survive the return of the Queen of Mood Swings. But then again, maybe not.

Bunny Slippers

Under the category of information we didn’t need to know, it was recently revealed that Dom Piedro Aillard has a pair of pink bunny slippers hanging from the wall in his bedchamber. One has to wonder what he is doing when his feet are in the air wearing those slippers. Toes up or toes down?

Cherry Bomb

Leisha’s Sweet Shop reports a shortage of chocolate covered cherries, especially those with dark chocolate and liquid centers. It seems that a certain member of the Aldaran family has gone off his diet and gorged himself again.

Redberry Jelly

Domna Keara Ridenow was spotted indulging in redberry jelly all by herself. Of course she once had the misfortune of being cooped up alone in an aircar with Frank Barber, so we can understand why a "solo flight" might have some appeal to her.

Death Becomes Her

In an imitation of the ancient Terranan historical figure Jack Kevorkian, Cora Leynier has been reported practicing selected euthanasia with assistance from the Forge Folk. While we will be the first to admit that there is some merit in tying up loose ends among the personalities that inhabit our world, we find Domna Cora’s methods a bit extreme.

Issue #92, 22 January 2000

Pour Some Sugar on Me!

It’s always a hot time in the Sweet Shop and this week was no exception. Alan Ridenow was spotted passing some "sugar" on to Melissa Ridenow. At least they didn’t leave prints of their rear ends in the whipped cream like some people we know.

You Are What You Eat

The membership of the recently dissolved Societe Anonyme de Cralmacophage remains undisclosed but we have to wonder if it is the true reason for some prominent disappearances and not Cora Leynier.

The First Time

The first time it is experienced is one that will remained etched in memory forever. The burning heat…the terrifying rush…the heightening of the senses. It either leaves one initially repulsed or immediately craving more. We envy Domna Myria Lanart for her first experience with—coffee.

Recovering Raphael

It is with great relief that we have learned that Dom Raphael Lindir has returned safely to Thendara, albeit somewhat scorched. The mystery of his burns must be solved, but no, Dyan, they are not as cute as your hickeys.

Flyin’ Pie

We are appalled at the recent fad of tossing perfectly good pies at the faces of other people, not because of its humor value (which is good) but because, with so many people going hungry on Darkover, it seems like such an incredible waste of food.

The Agony of Defeat

The threat of lopping off the feet of the tall sends shivers up the spines of cobblers throughout the Domains. Some predict their business could be cut in half. Our advice: calm down, short people. At least all of you are taller than the Forge Folk.

Issue #93, 29 January 2000

Stairway to Heaven

For once, Darkover’s pre-eminent sandal-wearer, Piedro Aillard, goes barefoot and ends up with sore feet while climbing cloudbanks in the Overworld. Lucky Dom Aidan was around to give you a foot-job later, huh, Piedro?

Interior Designs

Speaking of Dom Aidan, it really is true: he has a big, ugly chair, upholstered in tartan, in his private quarters at Tramontana. Even in the Hellers, this is not a good fashion statement.

Edric Lanart Laid to Rest

With only his nephew Carolin Lanart and a few castle servants in attendance, Edric Lanart was buried today in a simple ceremony in the graveyard outside Thendara. While Dom Edric was not a popular figure in most social circles, he did provide this newspaper with some juicy items, so may that memory lighten the grief.

Agricultural News

Redberry growers warn us that this year’s erratic storm pattern has damaged the fall crop. They predict a shortage of berries and thus higher prices for jellies at the market. We’d predict, though, that sales will continue to be strong despite the cost.

Council Reconvenes

With luck, Day 2 of the Council season will begin soon, and the day seems to be planned around the Aldarans. Let’s hope Matthias Leynier can keep his friend Keith Montrose away from the chamber so he doesn’t have another fit when he hears the name. And by the way, Mestru Montrose, you are far from the only nedestro Aldaran out there and most of them have done quite well for themselves.

Easy Rider

Reports are that Mikhail Di Asturien and Moirra Rockraven were thisclose in the saddle on the way back to Thendara. We hope they manage to "rein in" their desires soon.

Vulgarian General Appointed

The Darkovan Society for Bad Taste has appointed Mhari n’ha Gladys as its first Vulgarian General. Reports are that Terranan producers of "snuff-pix" horror holofilms are considering hiring her to write their gross-out scenes. In the meantime, many Darkovans are wondering what kind of salute to give "the General".

Issue #94, 5 February 2000

Buns of Steel

Reports are that Jaelle n’ha Gilla’s nutbark buns are so hard they can be used as weapons. A misguided Terranan misunderstood the comment and tried to sign Jaelle up to star in a recorded exercise program.

Smack

Apparently chocolate kisses aren’t the only kind being publicly consumed in Thendara this week. Someone needs to inform the young Comyn in the city that it is unseemly for members of a major house to be smooching in plain view.

Aldaran Signs Compact—Again

For the second time in modern history, Aldaran has signed the Compact, for whatever that is worth. While we applaud the ban on weapons in the Domain, we are concerned that some of the interpretations of the Compact which see it as a ban on all Federation technology, may impede the remarkable progress made in Caer Donn. Let’s hope that the economy in the Hellers is allowed to remain vibrant and progressive.

No Minors Allowed

Members of minor houses and junior members of major houses among the Comyn were banned from Council this week by an arbitrary decision by Danvan, Lord Hastur. How shortsighted! At the same time that everyday people throughout the Domains are demanding more representative government, the privileged few who dominate our planet’s policy are given more sway. It is almost as if old Danvan wants a revolution.

Scarf It Down

It appears that the Young Peacock is following in the footsteps of his predecessor in setting fashion trends. Hundreds of young Darkovans have taken to wearing scarves indoors. At least in the case of the young women, it will keep the napes of their necks covered. We have to wonder how long it will be before Lord Dyan reintroduces the turtleneck sweater.

Is That a Gun in Your Pocket, or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

Reports are that John Cowan showed Myria Lanart which end of the gunshaft is which while behind closed doors in the Terran HQ. Our sources tell us that the subject of a ring came up as well. Quite honestly, we feel it inappropriate for a Keeper to be in such closeted privacy with the mysterious Mestru Cowan.

Issue #95, 12 February 2000

Assumptions

Sources at Dalereuth tell us that Kallia Ardais is concerned about being spied upon by our staff. Rest assured, Domna Kallia, you are safe. Don’t assume there is something to look at in the first place.

Into His Work

Dr. Gavin MacDonnell fell into a mound of horse dung recently. We should remind the dear doctor that this is not what is meant by having piles of work waiting for you.

Wind Chill

Only Terry O’Connor would walk around Darkover wearing a "tank top." Mestra O’Connor is setting herself up for having frostbite in strange places. We hope at least she had the decency to keep her neck covered in front of that Ranji fellow.

Jorik Sings!

Where are those cottonballs for our ears? Dom Jorik Hastur has begun singing in public. His first attempt was a lullaby, but after hearing him, we doubt if we’ll be dozing off any time soon. And before Jaelle n’ha Gilla gets too smug, her rendition wasn’t any more melodic.

Emelda to Depart

Emelda Hastur and her Terranan film crew will be leaving Darkover soon. Such a brief stay, Domna Emelda! We will miss you on these pages. Best of luck in putting the finishing touches on As Darkover Turns.

Raphael Lindir Recovers

Dom Raphael Lindir, who recently showed up in Thendara with mysterious injuries, seems to be recovering. While he still seems to have images of Sharra in his mind, our hopes and expectations for him is that he will make a full recovery.

Horse Show

Preliminary news out of Armida is that this year’s colts and fillies are superior to anything the stables have produced in years. No wonder Domna Ylana has not been seen much in Comyn circles. If we had horses as nice as she does, we wouldn’t be around much, either.

Issue #95, 19 February 2000

Paternity Scandal Rocks Darkover

Perennial bad-boy Matthias Leynier has been linked to a paternity scandal that even has many hardened Comyn-watchers shaking their heads in dismay. It seems that Dom Matthias is the father of those tempetuous twins, Damien and Davil. Apparently, Dom Matthias was unaware of the circumstances of the twins' birth. Members of the MacDonnell and Leynier families refused to grant interviews to the Inquirer staff.

Tight Squeeze?We pity poor Berana Campbell who thinks she can squeeze into dresses that are too small for her. Even the talented tailors at McDoevid's will be hard-pressed to help Mestra Campbell.

Thwarted Love?

Now that Danvan Hastur has gone on record as opposing the marriage of Maibrie Aldaran and Jorik Hastur, we have a word of advice for the star-crossed lovers: remember the Darkovan tradition of a meal, a fireside, and a bed.

Busy, Busy, Busy

Word has it that many members of Darkovan society are spending more time at work than at play lately. Our only comment to all of you is that it is about time!

Relays Shutting Down for Maintenance

As the Terranan say, even a well-running machine occasionally needs to be greased. With that in mind, we should take in stride the news that our relay system here on Darkover is being shut down for maintenance. Here at the paper, we are looking forward to the down time as a way of refreshing our energies.

Meltoff Causes Flooding

Unseasonably warm autumnal conditions have caused massive meltoffs in some sections of the Hellers. Lowerhammer in particular has had problems with flooding this week. Visitors to the Hellers are encouraged to take extra caution as they travel.

Issue #96, 26 February 2000

Strange Goings-On in Thendara

Recently something very strange happened in the offices of the Darkovan Historical Society next door to our offices. It seems some vandals broke in, mutilated centuries worth of precious documents from our planet’s past, and piled them in a scribbled heap in the middle of the floor. We have assurances that when the culprits are identified, they will be held responsible for the destruction of irreplaceable treasures from our Darkovan past.

Love Me, Love My Pet

Remember the old adage that people and their pets start to look alike after a while? Apparently this happened to Daimary MacAran at Dalereuth Tower. One day, she forgot to wash and ended up looking just like her pet banshee bird, Ivan.

Speaking of Washing….

Did we really need to have such a lengthy discussion of sanitary facilities at the remodeled Dalreuth Guild House? Mestras, there are some delicate matters that the rest of us would prefer not to know. This isn’t Terra, where the subject of hygiene is often broadcast in lurid color in one of their "holovids".

Ridenow Redux

This just in—Donal Ridenow has returned to Thendara from Nevarsin. While we welcome Dom Donal back, we have to wonder, will Amanda Montpelier be too far behind?

Cast a Giant Shadow

It seems that Domna Cristilyn Aillard has finally emerged from her self-imposed exile following the death of Marcello Ridenow, the father of her unborn child. Rumors are that the Lady of Aillard has grown quite large as she approaches her due date. No folks, that wasn’t an eclipse of the sun—it was Cristilyn!

Killing Me Softly with His Song

The dreaded moment has arrived. Julian MacAnndra will sing in a live audition. Maybe we will all be spared and Keara Ridenow will bite his tongue while they are kissing. Hey, you two! Get a room!

And Speaking of the Ridenows…

Doesn’t anybody find it curious that neither Lord Dyan Ridenow nor Damisela Dolorosa Leynier are anywhere to be found? We suppose the amorous Little Peacock is spreading his tail feathers as we write this.

Issue #97, 4 March 2000

Death Becomes Her

As the sad news reached throughout the Domains of the death of Morgana Ridenow, many of us are left wondering how she fell from that balcony at Comyn Castle. Was it suicide, an accident, or perhaps murder? Inquiring minds want to know.

Love Story

A buzz of excitement ran through Caer Donn this week as news of the betrothal of the beloved Damisela Maibrie Aldaran to Jorik Hastur reached the city. Bookshops in the city note brisk sales of the unauthorized biography of Maibrie and Jorik is fast becoming an idol among the teen-age girls in the city.

Ghost

Many of us trembled in fear as what seemed to be the ghost of Marcello Ridenow re-appeared briefly in Thendara this week. Meanwhile, our sources on Terra tell us that someone resembling Congratulatia Elhalyn y Ridenow was seen wandering the streets of New New York waving an imaginary fan.

A New Leaf

Quite honestly we are bemused by the new and improved Alana Leynier who seems to have developed a maternal side at last. It makes us wonder if it really is a ruse designed to confuse her children.

The Towering Inferno

Sources near Nevarsin tell us that once again the Sign of Fire has appeared near the city. We can only hope that these reports of a re-emerging Sharra are false.

The End of the Affair

We hear that the Federation is considering creating a franchise to operate the spaceport. While we welcome a reduced Federation presence on Darkover, we'd feel more comfortable working with the devil we know rather than one we don't. Besides, we're growing quite used to Frank Barber.

Issue #98, 18 March 2000 (there was no issue on 11 March)

In-Service Day A Success

In order to promote staff development, we did not issue the newspaper last week, but instead went to an in-service conference to develop our reporting skills. We had workshops on how to peek through windows, how to create an innuendo, how to quote out of context, and how to perpetuate untruths without direct lies. All of us on the Darkovan Inquirer staff agree the conference was worthwhile.

Compact Violated?

Possession of Terranan weapons such as blasters on Darkover is expressly forbidden by the Compact. Sources tell us that such weapons are present in Dalereuth Guildhouse. We hope such rumors are false, for if proven, that Guildhouse could lose its charter. Dalereuth Guildhouse is a valuable asset to its community. We hope that the Sisterhood will enforce the Compact diligently.

Piercing Interview

It is frowned upon for Cadets to have body piercings of any kind. We have to wonder what Julian MacAnndra will say during his next periodic physical when the doctor asks him about his pierced nipples. Picture if you will the look on the faces of his superiors when they are told that the piercings are due to ferret bites.

Pass the Salt, Please

Remind us not to go to dinner at the Storns’. Their recent dinner party erupted in a food fight in which enough food was thrown around the room to feed the typical Darkovan family for a tenday. Too bad the Storns didn’t remember that wealth is no excuse for waste.

Adore Eternally Fan Club Founded

Darkover’s favorite trashy writer is the focus of a fan club! The Adore Eternally Fan Club was chartered recently in Caer Donn and the membership rolls have grown enormously. The club decided to award an honorary membership to the person owning the most copies of "A.E." novels and memorabilia. It should come as no surprise that the award went to Dalereuth Tower’s own Piedro Aillard.

Temora Trembles Again

Fearing a recurrence of last season’s earthquakes, citizens of Temora fled their homes a few nights ago after hearing and feeling rumbles throughout the town. Then they remembered that they had just concluded their first annual chili cook-off.

Issue #99, 25 March 2000

Is the Forbidden Tower Returning?

Sources tell us that many of the younger members of the Ridenow family, both male and female, have taken to piling on beds together, touching and hugging, regardless of age. This licentiousness is strongly reminiscent of the days of the Forbidden Tower when Ridenows were involved in undermining the power of the Towers. We hope that this lewd behavior is not a sign of things to come.

Hide the Harpoons!

Daimary MacAran’s recent frolicking on the beaches near Dalereuth evokes many images. Luckily for her, Darkover has no large aquatic mammals in its oceans or a tragic case of mistaken identity might have ensued.

Play Station

The truth is out: Dom Piedro Aillard has smuggled one of the Terranan devices called "video games" into his room in Thendara Castle and has holed himself up while he plays round after round. Reports tell us that he has managed to achieve something called "Level 37".

Flight Risk

We’ve just heard that Dom Diego Storn has asked Frank Barber to pilot the flight that will take the Storn household back to High Windward. We guess Dom Diego is learning to take risks in his old age. It must be all that redberry jam he’s been eating lately.

The Fan

Poor Gregori Haldar-Tyall! We hear he was devastated when he found out he was not the recipient of the Adore Eternally fan award last week. Gregori, dear, there’s always next year. In the meantime, we hear there is a new novel coming out in a few months titled The Chickenhawk Guardsman. It’s almost as if Adore Eternally had young Gregori in mind when she wrote it.

The Compact

Someone needs to explain to Jaelle n’ha Gilla that "The Compact" is not a device for holding cosmetics, but a ban on the possession of any weapon that can kill from afar. What a relief, though, to learn from her that no such weapons are, to her knowledge, in the Dalereuth Guildhouse.

Issue #100, 1 April 2000

Strange Echo Disease Hits Darkover

Medical experts are stumped as a strange echo disease hit Darkover this week. Victims keep repeating themselves over and over and over. The only protection seems to be keeping as quiet as possible until the disease runs its course.

Interesting News from Carthon

Our contact in Carthon reports having spotted Dom Regis DiAsturien gambling in a casino there. If the story is true, it certainly contradicts the rumors that Dom Regis has been captured by some strange Sharra cult near Nevarsin.

Something’s Fishy

It probably wouldn’t be a good idea to Devorah n’ha Madeline as your guide on a fishing trip. Apparently, Mestra Devorah thinks we’re bottom feeders. We think she can’t tell the difference between her bass and a hole in the ground.

Favorite Haunts

Servants at Comyn Castle report seeing the ghost of Morgana Ridenow haunting the halls. Even in death, Domna Morgana continues to get on everybody’s nerves. Now even the stoutest door won’t give anybody a respite from her.

Pulsations

We are saddened to learn that Dom Kyril DiAsturien is having heart trouble. How shocking to find such a condition in one so young! Perhaps it really a case of indigestion brought on by the food being served in the Guard Hall.

Speaking of Indigestion….

There are reports that a certain young Comyn woman is having trouble keeping her breakfast down. She should have been more careful about lying down with peacocks!

Issue #101, 8 April 2000

Peachick?

In about 9 months, expect a little peachick to hatch from its shell. Our sources tell us that the Jewel of the Comyn and the Little Peacock have spawned. How shameful! They aren’t even hand-fasted yet!

By the Sea

Pity the poor sea chieri on the beaches of Dalereuth. Their lives have been disrupted by human intruders sunning themselves in various states of undress. No wonder the chieri are so reclusive if they are subjected to such horrid sights.

Fly Away

The Storn household has left Thendara without attending the third day of Council. Apparently Dom Diego and Company don’t enjoy being bored—or perhaps they missed the Lap-Dog of Aldaran. We’re sure Buster will give them a BIG welcome!

Ghost Toasties

The rumors that Comyn Castle is haunted continue to circulate. In a culture where folks visit the Overworld regularly and where there are individuals who can do Time Search, why are ghosts any surprise? Frankly, we’d be more surprised if that pesky Morgana Ridenow didn’t keep annoying people after death.

At the Caer Donn Public Library

The Chickenhawk Guardsman, the latest novel from Adore Eternally, was released this week to overwhelming demand. All 12 copies of the novel at the Caer Donn Public Library were checked out within the first 20 minutes. Demand was accelerated by the rumor that Darkover’s favorite novelist is taking a break from her writing schedule to go on her honeymoon on Terra.

Terror on Threadneedle Street

Recent incidents have forced many merchants on Threadneedle Street to ban children from their establishments unless said children are accompanied by armed guards. While we think this is a bit extreme, given the usual behavior of Matthias Leynier’s brats, we can thoroughly understand it.

Regis at Candermay?

Another purported sighting of the elusive Regis DiAsturien has taken place, this time at distant Candermay, where our source tells us he's been cavorting with Ya-Women prostitutes. We have no confirmation of this rumor.

Issue #102, 15 April 2000

Health Alert

Sources tell us that despite health screening at the Spaceport, an infestation of Vellunian space worm might have made its way to Darkover. However, since it eats the brain, we doubt whether any of the current attendees at Comyn Council have to worry about it affecting their behavior.

Like a Virgin

Much to our shock and surprise, it turns out that Maibrie Aldaran has not allowed Jorik Hastur to have is way with her prior to their marriage. With Maibrie holding out, Congra gone, and Marcello dead, we wonder who is warming Dom Jorik’s bed?

Making Up Is Hard to Do

Speaking of Congra, it’s a good thing she’s not around, or Darkover could be facing a serious cosmetic shortage. We hear that during Terry O’Connor’s recent "make-over", they had to apply the foundation with a trowel.

Flown the Coop?

Has anyone noticed that since Regis DiAsturien disappeared, no one has seen any kyorebni in Thendara? If those who claim to be searching for him want a hint, we’d suggest looking for large flocks of those ugly birds circling overhead.

Happy Resolution

Who says we never print good news? All of us are overjoyed that young Marja has at last found a permanent safe home at Dalereuth Guildhouse. Cheers to the Sisterhood for helping to make that poor unfortunate girl’s life a little happier.

Innuendo

While we can’t confirm the rumor, it seems that a certain young Guardsman was recently caught fondling himself while on duty. Even if it is true, at least he wasn’t indulging himself with one of those Guard Hall "groupies" who have been hanging around where they shouldn’t be in recent days. Why Dom Eduin Alton hasn’t cracked down on the practice of letting girls into the barracks, we don’t know.

Issue #103, 22 April 2000

Kind of a Drag

The word is out! The Heir to Hastur likes to parade around in women’s clothes. Jorik, darling, you look adorable in that blue outfit. In any case, we’re sure Maibrie’s going to be the one to wear the pants in that family, so we guess it doesn't really matter that Jorik likes to wear ball gowns.

A Shot in the Dark

The medical center in Thendara has announced free vaccinations. A member of the Ridenow clan, who shall remain nameless, thought they were offering free vacations and came in to get a trip to Vainwal. The nurse giving the inoculations was laughing so hard during the process that the poor Ridenow girl won’t be able to sit down properly for a week.

Thorn Birds

Recently, one Barak Thorn was seen with a small boy in tow and displaying the manners of a grezu. Don’t we have enough rudeness in Thendara without the likes of a Thorn in our side?

Grease

While we generally oppose Terranan imports into the Darkovan market, we’ll make an exception to WD-40. It seems that the Terranan lubricant is an excellent way to—shall we say?—make paths go smoother.

Glide

The Caer Donn hang-gliding championships were postponed when the normally ferocious winds in the Hellers became calm. Sadly, many young men in Caer Donn could not get it up this week. One young man from Lowerhammer said, "It just lies there, all flaccid." We hope that the kites will be back in the air soon.

Love Shack

It looks like a hot time for Glenna n’ha Linnea and Mathias MacAran. The two of them were recently spotted under rather intimate circumstances. Strangely, our field reporter overheard her singing a song to him about chestnuts roasting on an open fire. It’s sometimes difficult to understand the courtship rituals of the younger generation, isn’t it?

Banshee Love

Our sources in Dalereuth tell us that Ivan, everybody’s favorite pet banshee, has become so frustrated by not having a female banshee for a mate that he has made advances to the sea chieri in the area, scaring them off the beaches. (Picture the result of a banshee/sea chieri cross!) Perhaps if Daimary MacAran spent less time sipping coffee in Dalereuth Tower and more time taking care of Ivan, he wouldn’t get in so much trouble.

Issue #104, 29 April 2000

Sweetie Pie

We’ve been waiting for it to happen and finally it did. Dr. Gavin MacDonnell, D.V.M. has fallen for someone. Unfortunately, he also fell into some pies. In fact, while we like people to be sweet to each other, the gooey mess that happened recently at Leisha’s is not what we had in mind.

Tea For Two>

Rumors of a tea shortage in Dalereuth are apparently true. Poor Amelia n’ha Constanza’s pot ran dry. At least nobody there has run out of chocolate yet, or civil war would break out.

Strumpet Solo

Jana McCarroll has taken offense to being called a strumpet. Jana, dear, what do you call someone who admits to making a young cadet’s body parts grow stiff in public? It seems to us the term is appropriate.

The Stranger

Marton Elhalyn has been seen hanging around in Storn Heights recently. Citizens of that prosperous community should be alarmed that such riffraff is allowed to wander the streets of the town. We only hope that others of his ilk do not decide to invade that pleasant hamlet.

Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue

The Storn family recently completed an elaborate new greenhouse system at High Windward. Apparently Dom Diego and Domna Fianna have forgotten that people can peer inside through glass panes as well as look out at the world from the inside. As the old saying goes, people who live in glass houses should dress in the basement.

Celebrate

The annual feast of Saint Valentine-of-the-Snows took place this week in the town of Nevarsin. While the lack of snow on the ground took away a bit from the traditional revelry, our reports tell us that there was still much merriment in that isolated community. Even the monks left the monastery for a while to celebrate. Rumor has it that a few went home without their sandals.

Issue #105, 6 May 2000

Scandal at the Stables

Even our reporter was blushing over the latest incident in Thendara. It seems that while at a stables getting ready for riding, Domna Keara Ridenow exposed her calf and ankle to the men in the party. Even more shocking, our reporter caught a glimpse of the nape of her neck.

Sweet Little Buttercup

This just out of Port Chicago: It seems that the Federation Sub-Legate has been going around the facility calling himself Buttercup Gigglerhino. Next, we suppose, he’ll be walking around in costume singing Gilbert and Sullivan tunes and twirling a parasol.

New Town

A new community has been founded in the foothills of the Venza Mountains. It is called Deriluth and only women are allowed to settle there. A group of women came up with the idea of a city without men and for some reason chose the Venza Mountains area for their new colony. Given the circumstances, we predict slow population growth unless the rumors that they’ve imported cloning equipment into their community are true.

Stoned

We always knew Dom Piedro Aillard had rocks in his head, but his latest head-trip shocked even the closest of his friends. It seems that his recent psychedelic journey was inspired by one too many kireseth cigarettes. When he reached into a cat litter box in Comyn Castle and declared that he found topazes, most of us just shook our heads in wonder.

White Wedding

The hot romance between Domna Emelda Hastur and her dark-skinned lover Tyrone Harris has hit a snag on Terra. Apparently, Mestru Harris got cold feet during the ceremony and called off the wedding. Could it have been Domna Emelda’s striptease as she walked down the aisle that put Mestru Harris on edge? Inquiring minds want to know.

Puppy Love

A note to Dom Jorik Hastur: Human beings kiss each other on the lips. Dogs kiss noses. Damisela Maibrie is a human being. Kiss her lips. Got it? Good!

Crazed

An industrial accident in the Ardais potteries caused damage as faulty temperature gauges in the kilns created severe flaws in all the ceramics being fired. Just what we need around Darkover—more crackpots.

Issue #106, 13 May 2000

Just in from Carthon…

The tobacco growers‘ cartel in the Drytowns held a press conference this week to deny allegations that they are producing cigarettes which contain anything other than tobacco and kireseth. "If we ever catch the bastard spreading these lies," spokeman Azra Hjalmarson said, "we will tie him down and castrate him with a rusty knife."

Marcello Speaks

How reassuring it is that the late Marcello Ridenow, whose spirit lies in bliss with the Priestesses of Avarra, still keeps track of our mundane affairs here in the real world. Rumor has it that he has the Priestesses read the Darkovan Inquirer out loud to him every week.

Cheaper to Keeper?

A recent proposal to replace Keepers with First Technicians as Tower Heads has been the fuel for much heated debate in some intellectual circles this week. In a recent Darkovan Inquirer poll, we found that 53% of the people thought the First Technicians already were in charge and 11% of the people weren’t even aware that Keepers still existed.

Moralists Protest

The recent immoral actions of some Terranans in Thendara has prompted a move by some to restrict immigration to those of proven high moral character and to deport those who have displayed licentious behavior. "We’re tired of the Terranan letting their whores walk the streets of Thendara," said one source. "Just the other day, we saw a Terranan woman named Berana Campbell with her hands all over a man in plain site of others." There has been no word from Comyn Council if this matter will be discussed during this season’s session.

Regis Reported Sighted Again

Another unconfirmed sighting of Regis DiAsturien has reached our office. Someone said they saw him on Terra on stereovision asking people stupid questions and talking about their final answers. We have found no evidence that this is indeed the missing former Regent of Aldaran.

Storn Heights Welcomes Renunciates

It was with great joy that the people of Storn Heights found out that it is possible a Guild House will be established in that progressive community in the near future. Storn Heights residents are particularly excited about the craft skills that a Guildhouse would bring to the community. "Guild midwives alone," said Mayor Raphael MacLeod, "make the Renunciates a welcome addition to our community, let alone the weavers, herbalists, animal trainers, and guides. It’s a win-win situation."

Issue #107, 20 May 2000

The Frog Prince

We hope that the Lady of Aldaran will be more careful about whom she kisses. We wouldn’t want her to turn into some sort of amphibian.

Tinkle

Rumor has it that a certain first-year cadet wet himself during sword practice the other day. We suggest he relieve himself before he lets other people come at him with sharp instuments.

A New Leaf?

Many of us who have known Dom Piedro Aillard for years were shocked recently to learn he had "gotten busy" with Mestra Terry O’Connor. Could it be that Piedro is starting to swing both ways? Or perhaps Mestra O’Connor has gained control of his chocolate supply and he needs to cajole her into giving it back?

Glass Dismissed

Servants at High Windward report an unusually high rate of breakage in the castle’s stemware since Domna Fianna Ridenow-Storn took up residence. The servants tell us that most of the breakage seems to take place whenever the houseguest, Dom Marton Elhalyn, is in the same room as Domna Fianna. Meanwhile, the glass factories in Glaekirk are pleased with the upswing in business.

Photo Contest

The Darkovan Inquirer’s new photo contest, where we distributed free Terranan cameras to the youth of Thendara and told them to take interesting pictures, has paid off handsomely. One twelve-year-old boy has come up with some very interesting shots from one of the rooms in the Silver Swan.

Regis Sightings Continue

The wild rumors of people spotting Regis DiAsturien continue to flow into our office. The latest comes from a tourist who claims to have seen Regis having an audience with the Cyber-Pope on Vatican III. Church authorities deny that Dom Regis was on his Holiness’ appointment calendar.

Playing Chicken

The grand opening for Thendara Fried Chicken took place this week. According to Melissa Ridenow, "It’s finger-lickin’ good!"

Issue #108, 27 May 2000

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Frightening reports of locks of hair tumbling free in Thendara have alarmed local officials. Meanwhile, the Hair Liberation Society of Darkover demands that all hair be set free to do as it pleases. Manufacturers of butterfly clasps fear that their business may be in jeopardy.

Noise Control

Neighbors in Thendara‘s Old Town have been complaining about strumpets blaring in the streets late at night. We’d suggest that the Guard round up the strumpets before they get out of hand but that in turn may have an adverse effect on the taverns and flophouses that thrive in that area, thus damaging the local economy.

Privacy

Domna Keara Ridenow has protested that the Darkovan Inquirer invades people’s privacy. We’ll try to be more circumspect. By the way, Keara, did you ever get that unsightly wart taken care of?

Eternal Gestation

In what may be the longest pregnacy in human history, Domna Cristilyn Aillard has still not given birth to the child of the late Marcello Ridenow. Come on, come on—hurry up and spawn, already!

Kitchen Alert

Rumor has it that someone in the kitchen at Castle Scaravel has been adulterating the food. Perhaps they should order carry-out from Thendara Fried Chicken.

And Speaking of Fast Food…

After that great gourmet, Melissa Ridenow, explained the merits of the Terranan delicacy, the taco, to her friends in Thendara recently, business increased exponentially at Taco Bar‘s Caer Donn location. After a recent special on soft-shell tacos with hot sauce, the water level at the reservoirs in Aldaran dropped significantly, probably from diners "flush" with excitement.

Issue #109, 3 June 2000

Soft Drink

Clever marketers have decided to combat the influx of Terranan beverages on Darkover by producing one of their own. Dar-Kola debuted this week to rave reviews. Unlike the Terranan colas, Dar-Kola is laced with the essence of kireseth. What a pick-me-up!

Bandits Among Us

Many complaints are circulating in the bigger cities about the presence of Terranan vending machines. What many find especially irritating is the machines’ tendency to take coins and not deliver products in return. Hospitals in Thendara, Caer Donn, and Storn Heights are noting an increase in wrist injuries resulting from consumers pounding on the machines to get their money back.

Table Manners

We are appalled that Dom Eduin Alton has not insisted that the Guardsmen be trained in table manners. Just this week, diners in Thendara were forced to watch the disgusting spectacle of Alan Ridenow’s horrendously grotesque eating habits in a public restaurant. Perhaps if Dom Eduin spent less time playing with the horses at Armida and more time seeing to his duties as Commander of the Guard, the noble tradition of the Cadets would not be so sullied.

Sheepdip

Residents in the Storn Heights area are eagerly awaiting the flock of sheep that the Renunciates plan to bring to the area to support their new weaving business. Reports are that Dom Diego’s dogs, whose ancestors were bred to watch over sheep, have been in a continuous state of frenzy since they "herd" the news.

Regis Sightings Continue

There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that Regis Di Asturien has been asked to be one of the judges in the Miss Universe Pageant being held on Vainwal this week. However, a man matching Dom Di Asturien’s description was reportedly seen at the gambling tables at one of the Vainwalian casinos.

Sports News

The annual Darkovan Giggle Boxing Tournament was held this week in Dalereuth. There were a number of injuries this year from cracked ribs and many throats were laughed raw. Still, promoters tell us that the event was a great success but everyone was giggling so hard, we can’t really say who the winner was.

Issue #110, 10 June 2000

Cuts Like a Knife

Here’s the scene: cadets pull swords on each other in anger. As their punishment, they are given knives and told to sit together and peel vegetables. Does anybody else see anything wrong with this picture?

Museum to Open in Dalereuth

News has leaked out that Dom Piedro Aillard, the Fool of the Valeron Plains, is planning to open a bunny slipper museum in Dalereuth in the near future. Dom Aillard’s slipper collection has an intergalactic reputation and those in the know expect a slew of tourists vying to catch a glimpse. Our favorite slippers are the deep purple ones with the gold spangles.

Ghost of a Chance

When we heard rumors of High Windward being haunted, our first instinct was that Marcello Ridenow had come back from the dead to torment his old adversary, Dom Diego Storn. Instead, the wraith appears to be a young woman who seems vaguely familiar to those who claim to have spotted her. Reportedly, a number of Dom Diego’s servants have resigned rather than work in a haunted castle.

Health Warning

Travelers are warned to avoid the village of Heathwine. Apparently, there’s been an outbreak of the dreaded Trailman’s Fever there and officials fear that it may spread to other towns in the vicinity. Residents of Syrtis and Edelweiss need to be especially cautious.

Pop! Goes the Business

After recent testing showed that the new Dar-Kola produced temporary impotency in men, the product was removed from the market and its backers were forced to declare bankruptcy. Meanwhile, some social reformers declared that if all Darkovan men were forced to drink a daily dose of Dar-Kola, the planet would be a better place to live.

Issue #111, 17 June 2000

Scenic Easement

The practice of nude swimming on Darkover is a bad idea, not just because of our cold waters. Quite honestly, we have to wonder about the effect on the tourist industry. It would be one thing if everyone’s body was perfect, but, unfortunately, that’s not the case. In addition, males who are considering nude swimming on Darkover should remember how cold water can make a certain part of the anatomy shrivel.

News from Terra

Our contacts among the Darkovan expatriot community on Terra have sent us some startling news. It seems that despite her age, Domna Emelda Hastur has conceived a child after an affair with a chieri. Even more shocking, she has decided not to carry the child naturally in her body, but rather has placed him in a Terranan prenatal incubator for the next nine months. The question is, can such a child be considered as an heir to Hastur?

Hot Buttered Buns

With all the goings-on at the breakfast table at High Windward this week, we are wondering if we should coin a new saying and apply it to Dom Marton Elhalyn: Warm buns, cold heart.

Hand Holding

Those who don’t like the idea of imported Terranan goods flooding the Darkovan market will find this particular news story to be extremely disturbing. It appears that an electronic hand-held version of Yahtzee has been imported to our planet and that young people are neglecting their studies and playing with themselves for hours at a time.

Regis Sightings Continue

Until we realized that it was an ancient Terranan joke, we actually believed reports that came to us saying that Dom Regis was detected in a spacecraft circling Uranus and looking for Klingons!

Issue #112, 24 June 2000

Just a Little Crush

Tragedy struck Thendara this week when one of those new Terranan vending machines toppled over on a cadet. The lad was trying to purchase a condom without being spotted, pulled a lever too hard, and had the machine fall on him. While he was injured, he will recover his health if not his dignity. He’s just fortunate that it wasn’t one of those heavy soft drink machines that tipped over.<

Return of the Native

Everyone was stunned by the news that Dom Gabriel Alton y Ridenow has returned from space. Apparently, his travels have been of benefit, for he looks more mature and sophisticated than ever. While we are delighted to see the dashing Gabe again in our midst, it does make us wonder about the ultimate fate on the Ridenow clan, since the late Marcello Ridenow had made it clear that Dom Gabriel was his anointed successor, not Dom Dyan who currently struts around as Head of Ridenow.

Equality

All this talk about gender equality on Darkover makes us wonder: how can the genders ever truly be equal? Females must endure the pain of childbirth while males never do. Males may have more muscle mass, but it seems to us that women control the most important part of human existence: the survival of the species. In related news, it has been reported that some Darkovan feminists have locked Dom Piedro Aillard in a Terranan photography booth until he agrees with their philosophies.

It’s Out There

Lately, those who are skilled at swordplay have begun finding out the truth about the relation between the length of someone’s weapon and the size of certain parts of the anatomy. We would suggest that the true correlation is an inverse relationship between the size of the blade and the size of its holder’s ego.

No Newspaper Next Week

The entire staff of the Darkovan Inquirer is going on vacation next week to Six Flags Over Qrosh and will not be publishing a newspaper until the week after. We hope that all of you will survive until we get our fill of riding the zero-G roller coasters.

Issue #113, 8 July 2000

Tragic News from Storn Heights

Dom Diego Storn was felled by a stroke while walking in the streets of Storn Heights. While Dom Diego is not in any immediate danger, our sources tell us he is suffering from extensive paralysis. One has to wonder whether the condition was brought on by one too many games of Yahtzee.

Darkovan Inquirer to Move Offices

Upon returning from vacation, the staff of the Darkovan Inquirer was shocked to learn that the owner has decided to return the newspaper to its city of origin, Caer Donn. Reportedly, the publisher was frustrated by the boring personalities in Thendara and decided that moving to the Hellers will help reinvigorate the paper. Still dizzy from a week riding zero-g roller coasters, the staff was forced to pack their bags and get ready to move.

XX Rated

Sources tell us that Dom Piedro Aillard may have an extra X chromosome. How typical of Dom Piedro to want an extra helping of something. First chocolate, and now this!

A Hit

Amid reports that the reish is hitting rotating devices, advocates of the removal of Terranan devices staged another protest this week. First vending machines, then rotating devices—where will it all end?

Regis Sightings Continue

News has leaked out that Dom Regis DiAsturien was spotted at a spaceport bar having drinks with the real Dom Gabriel Alton y Ridenow. Apparently, the person purporting to be Dom Gabriel in Thendara a while back was an imposter, but we’re still not sure if the persons spotted in the bar were really Regis and Gabe, either.

Issue #114, 17 July 2000

New Office Opens

The new offices for the Darkovan Inquirer opened this week in Caer Donn. When asked if this will hamper the coverage of the news in Thendara, a representative from the editorial staff said, "We haven’t been paying much attention to what goes on there anyway. Our subcribers don’t really care where we report, as long as it’s a juicy story, and everything coming out of Thendara lately is so dry, just a bunch of people talking too much and not enough action, you know? We can’t run a newspaper based on slow-moving yakking."

Fits to a T

The enormous boost in t-shirt sales to the tourist trade has had an interesting side effect. Carthonese cotton traders report that the sales of Drytown cotton have skyrocketed, making enormous profits for the cotton cartel members. One cotton merchant told our reporters that he has made so much money over the last tenday, that he can purchase two additional wives at the market.

Whole Lot of Shakin’ Goin’ On

Avalanches plagued many Hellers communities this week as unexplained rumblings echoed through many communities, dislodging the early seasonal snows from the mountainsides. Additionally, huge wads of what appears to be dog hair have shown up in farmlands and meadows throughout the region.

Money Matters

Sources close to the incapacitated Diego Storn deny that the ailing businessman is having financial troubles. Our sources show that while Dom Diego’s financial assets are greater than ever, his illness has precipitated a cash flow problem.

Trade Show a Success

This year’s Caer Donn Trade Show was a tremendous success, with merchants and manufacturers from all over the planet displaying their products. The most popular item came from a pottery in Ardais. It’s a ceramic cralmac with a head that bounces up and down when motion is applied. Apparently, it is intended to stand in the back window of carriages so that it can nod to the driver in the carriage behind. Reports are Frank Barber bought one and put it in the back of his aircar.

Issue #115, 22 July 2000

Dishonor

It has come to our attention that Dom Jorik Hastur has been treating his promised wife Damisela Maibrie Aldaran, as if she were a grezalis. It surprised no one in Caer Donn that the virtuous maiden resisted the overtures of the degenerate Hastur. However, the citizens of Caer Donn and people throughout Aldaran are showing great concern that the sex-fiend Jorik will one day inherit Hastur and then control the Domains. Many are taking up a petition to ask Lord Danvan Hastur to set Jorik aside as his heir and name another. They forget, of course, that such democratic activity only matters in Aldaran, not in the dictatorship that exists in the rest of the Domains.

Not So Sweet

News has come from Loststar that licking your honey may make some people ill. Our sources tell us that when Lord Dyan Ridenow found this out, he repeatedly washed his tongue with soap and that Dolorosa Leynier is now complaining of neglect.

Port Chicago

Reports from Port Chicago tell us that some Terranans dressed in plain black suits have arrived asking questions about how to get to the Hellers. While they purport to be here on business, our sources tell us they are associated with organized crime. Meanwhile, the Sub-Legate has been busy vigorously discussing the difference between viruses and viri. This of course brings new meaning to Port Chicago being "The Windy City."

Hobson’s Choice

Mestra Eliadha turned him down. Domna Fianna turned him down. Probably even the sheep in the farmyard turned him down. Can it be any wonder that Marton Elhalyn plans to turn to Frank Barber for an assignation?

Regis Sightings Continue

The latest Regis sighting has us baffled. Somebody claims to have seen him sitting at his desk at Castle Aldaran signing a batch of paperwork. No wonder the search parties can’t find him if he’s actually where he’s supposed to be.

Issue #116, 29 July 2000

The Penguin

Dr. Gavin MacDonnell recently donned Terranan formal wear in preparations for the ball. Many people think he looks like a penguin, but with those colors, he looks like a Storn.

Half and Half

So Ranji Mitra is half Terranan. He’s also half-dead, so we guess that evens out.

Storn Storm

Unseasonable high winds surrounding High Windward have damaged the winter wheat crop in some nearby fields. Many residents of nearby Storn Heights testify that the gales had a distinctly doggy odor.

Get the Ball Rolling

We fear that the ball about to take place in Thendara will be a dud. Certainly we can expect more talk that action. In Caer Donn, they are also planning a celebration, but here it takes the form of an all-night street party, with lots of music, food, games, carnival rides, and adventure. The Discover Darkover! Travel Agency reports that all the hotels and restaurants in Caer Donn are booked solid, while the equivalent facilities in Thendara are relatively empty.

Plague Averted

Rumors that hundreds of Amway salespeople will soon descend on Darkover are untrue. While there is indeed one Amway representative on the planet, he has not made any sales nor recruited any unsuspecting Darkovans into the pyramid scheme.

Issue #117, 5 August 2000

All That He Gets

Jorik Hastur reportedly desires a note from Damisela Maibrie Aldaran. We’re guessing that he really wants more than a note, but that a note is all that he’s going to get off of the Lady of Aldaran.

Hold the Pickles, Hold the Lettuce

After watching Jake Ridenow eating a plate of veshrati at the Midwinter Ball, we have to ask: Hey, Jake! You want fries with that?

Quack!

Our sources among the servants at High Windward tell us that Dom Diego Storn’s condition has worsened under the ministrations of the Terranan doctor who was flown in from Thendara. We guess they got the wrong doctor. Even Dr. Gavin MacDonnell, D.V.M. would have been a better choice.

Barber Pole

The slippery Frank Barber continues to slither. After escaping handcuffs and armed guards, he has reportedly allied himself with the forces of Sharra somewhere deep beneath the Hellers. Keep going, Frank. It can’t be that much further to Zandru’s Hell.

Caer Donn Carnival a Success

Our office is trying to recover from the wonderful street carnival here in Caer Donn. While we try to get the cotton candy out of our hair and get our fingers unsticky from the candied apples, we have to report that three strange Terranan in dark suits were seen wandering the streets asking our reporters for directions to Storn Heights. We were too busy waiting in line for the merry-go-round to answer.

Issue #118, 12 August 2000

Music to Their Ears

Those who had the opportunity to listen to John Cowan sing his latest masterpiece, "The Puke Song," say that it’s an experience you’ll never forget. In other news, there are unconfirmed reports of rising suicide rates in Port Chicago.

Throw in the Towel

Our sources tell us that a Terranan named Bera Svensdottir has been strutting around wearing nothing but a towel. The most scandalous thing about the whole incident is that the nape of her neck was completely exposed.

Fair Sharra

Over the past few tendays, the thermal activities in the Hellers that seem to be related to Sharra have all but disappeared. However, a disturbing report we have just received states that residents in the countryside around Tarquil recently saw a gigantic flame-woman in chains rising above the horizon toward sunset.

Tastes Like Chicken

The episodes of food poisoning from tainted meat which struck many of those attending the Midwinter Ball in Thendara should give all of us a sharp reminder why the traditional gifts at Midwinter are fruit and flowers!

Sports News

Organized team sports are all the rage among Darkovans these days. Many Terranan and Galactic sports have been imported, but a variation of the Terranan game of rugby seems to be the most popular. This year’s planetary champions are the Foamin’ Comyn, who have just been awarded an advertising contract by the Caer Donn Cream Ale Company. You might notice that this is the same firm that sponsored this year’s Caer Donn Street Carnival.

Issue #119, 19 August 2000

All That She Wants

Enrollment is supposed to start soon for the new Melissa Ridenow School of Dining Etiquette. If you plan to sign up for the course, make sure you bring your own shovel.

If Only I Had Wings

Officials at Loststar Tower are denying that Mattel-Hasbro Intergalactic has approached Kyrrdis for patent rights to the new flying toy with a matrix. Given the importance of matrix science to the well-being of Darkovan society, it would be in the best interest for all if Kyrrdis refuses this lucrative mass-production offer.

King of Pain

We hope that the trend toward penetrating cheekbones will not continue. The last thing Darkover needs is a revival of the inane 21st Century Terranan practice of body piercing.

Take on Me

Purported IBI agent Laurie Michaels has shown up at High Windward, ostensibly to warn the Storns of a Terranan plot. All we have to say to Domna Fianna is this—remember what happened when the last IBI agent was in the house?

In the Air Tonight

Biologists are reporting restiveness in the wild banshee population this winter. While incidents of banshee attack have been rare in previous seasons, for some reason, this year there have been numerous attacks in the Hellers and around Nevarsin. Banshee population seems to be on the rise, no thanks to Ivan, who is still all alone at Dalereuth.

Issue #120, 26 August 2000

Political Unrest in Aldaran?

Rumor has it that a rabble-rouser is going around Caer Donn trying to incite a political revolution. Our sources tell us that no one really seems interested, since the strong Aldaran economy removes much of the incentive for change. Still, we have to wonder why such sentiment is surfacing now.

Sheepish Grins

The Darkovan Sheep Festival is scheduled to take place near Dalereuth this weekend. All owners of herding breeds, especially Shelties, are warned to keep their dogs from escaping and going to the "Ovine Fair".

Winter Weather

A major winter storm hit the Hellers this week, closing many of the mountain passes. Nevarsin is temporarily isolated and some of the passes near Scathfell, Scaravel, and Storn have become very hazardous. Travelers are advised to use caution and be particularly alert to the risk of avalanche.

Morals Challenged

In light of the scandalous behavior of many young Comyn women during and after the recent ball, the Darkovan Society for Moral Conduct is petitioning Lord Danvan Hastur to ban such events from Comyn society for one full calendar year. "The stately ball of yore has become an excuse for lewd behavior. This is not Terra or Vainwal where such moral looseness is tolerated, nor is a ball supposed to be a living representation of an Adore Eternally novel." said Mirabella Montray, current president of the DSMC.

Bare Facts

It has also come to our attention that a majority of the cadets in the Guard were out of uniform in the period immediately following the ball. Perhaps Dom Eduin Alton, the Commander of the Guard, needs to keep a closer eye on his charges and with whom they are associating.

Issue #121, 2 September 2000

Fire Down Below

The recent fire in Thendara could have been much worse. Fortunately, the Darkovan Firefighters’ Association was in town for its annual beer drinking contest, and thus they were available to use their private hoses to douse the fire.

Fun Guy

Hikers near Lake Mariposa literally stumbled upon a mushroom the size of a full-grown chervine. At first they thought it was that fun guy, the missing Regis DiAsturien, but then realized the mushroom had too much personality.

Vicious

Piedro Aillard has recently been named the most rude and vicious man on Darkover. Piedro, dear, we told you to play nice and share your chocolate, didn’t we?

Dar-Kola Regroups

After losing their Thendara bottling facility to the fire, the makers of Dar-Kola have moved all production to their Caer Donn plant. While there might be small shortages in some areas until the plant gets into full production, Dar-Kola assures that such shortages will be temporary.

House Bound

We’ve got news for Jaelle n’ha Gilla: the only way you’re going to be able to keep those initiates at the Dalereuth Guild House inside for their housebound period is to literally bind them. Need some rope?

Issue #122, 9 September 2000

Kyrri Elation

Even in these days when it is common for young people to do outrageous things for a thrill, we are still appalled at the new trend of some youngsters in Dalereuth who deliberately try to touch kyrri to get a shock. The poor kyrri are just trying to do their jobs under sometimes difficult circumstances. Hands off!

Pastry

The Krispy Kreme franchise in Caer Donn has been wildly successful. However, regular customers have been wondering why they can never find any of the chocolate-filled doughnuts in the case. The Darkovan Inquirer has learned that Krispy Kreme has made arrangements to have all the chocolate-filled pastry sent directly to High Windward, on orders from Lady Storn herself.

You Can Call Me Al

The Committee for Hellers Sanitation reports that travelers on some of the trails have not been cleaning up after themselves. Leaving dead bodies by the side of the road is not considered good form.

Having a Ball

Reports are in that Jorik Hastur plans to ball Maibrie before they depart on their secret mission. When the news of this licentious behavior reached Caer Donn, several members of the community demanded retribution. Many Caer Donn residents were overheard muttering, "Typical hali’imyn—that’s lowland immorality for you."

Words Are Better Than Rope

Kudos to Jaelle n’ha Gilla, who has succeeded in restoring order to Dalereuth Guild House. Too bad we can’t send her to Comyn Castle to straighten out the behavior there.

Issue #123, 16 September 2000

Hosing

We are pleased to learn that Dom Piedro Aillard was among those brave individuals who helped fight the recent fire in Thendara. How exciting to find that he has finally found a good use for his hose!

Fashion News

Young women throughout the Hellers are donning Terranan garments called "long johns" in imitation of Domna Fianna Ridenow-Storn, who has taken to wearing the garments in various designer colors. Ideally, the young women are also following Domna Fianna’s lead and making sure the back flap is firmly buttoned.

Cat Sightings

Recently, travelers near Tramontana have spotted the spoor of cat people along the trails. We hope this is not a sign of new trouble in human-feline relationships in the Hellers.

Cotton Comes to Carthon

This year’s bountiful rains and snow have meant a bumper crop for the cotton farmers in the Dry Towns. Carthonese merchants report high profits. Many of them had planned to come to Thendara to sell their goods, but after the Great Fire, went to Caer Donn, instead. While there, they were fascinated by the behavior of a skinny brown-haired man who kept preaching about revolution and giving out doughnuts.

Survivor

Cheers to the young woman named Bejira, who has managed to survive one of the most wicked storms to hit the Hellers this season, despite being hampered by a useless Terranan. It’s too bad Al didn’t hire Discover Darkover! to plan his ill-fated trip and save Bejira the grief of babysitting him.

Issue #124, 23 September 2000

Library News

Doria Scathfell, the Head Librarian at the Caer Donn Public Library, released her weekly list of the best -selling books on Darkover and this time there was a surprise. Instead of a Adore Eternally novel being in the number one slot, that honor this week goes to "Backflap: The Unauthorized Biography of Fianna Ridenow-Storn".

Appealing

Wonder why you haven’t seen much of Domna Marjorie Ridenow-Tyall and her husband Derek recently? Well, we have the straight scoop! It seems that Derek has taken up the art of striptease and has been entertaining Marjo for hours at a time by peeling.

Toe Jam

The truth finally comes out: the folks at Dalereuth Tower are just a bunch of podiaphiles! Apparently, the center of all this foot worship is none other than Piedro Aillard-Syrtis. Now that he has returned to Dalereuth from Thendara, rumor has it that the poor boy’s feet are wearing out from all the rubbing and fondling.

Gem Mines Prospering

The word is that there has been a major discovery of rubies at Ardcarran. Reports tell us that these stones are among the finest ever discovered on the planet. We’re anxious to see the results once the gem cutters in Carthon work on facetting the rough. Once again, it looks as if the Dry Town economy is headed for another boost and many Comyn ladies will be contributing to the enslavement of Dry Town women by purchasing expensive jewelry.

Another Quake

A mild quake hit Temora in the early hours of the morning a few days ago. There was no major damage, but given the horrors of the major quake there a while back, many of the residents have decided to move out of the seaside town. Many of them are reportedly headed toward Valeron, so expect the real estate prices there to climb.

Issue #125, 30 September 2000

Fur Sure

Now how kinky is this? Melissa Ridenow was reportedly turned on by her lover’s fur-trimmed robe because it reminded her of her dead Uncle Marcello. In light of the fact that old Marci’s ghost shows up on occasion, the romantic situation could get really interesting.

Tough Love

We hear that Jaelle n’ha Gilla is getting ready to give the initiates at Dalereuth Guild House their fist lesson. We know that members of the Sisterhood must be tough, but must their first lesson be a fist?

More from Dalereuth

Poor Piedro Aillard—all he wanted was to be cuddled. Instead, he got cudgeled. There truly is a difference, you know.

Sheep Shank

Residents of Storn Heights have recently begun complaining about the strong odor of lanolin which seems to have descended on the prosperous village. Meanwhile, in High Windward, the two resident Shetland Sheepdogs have grown dizzy from spinning around in delight from the smell.

Crashing the Party

Well, we all know Frank Barber considers himself a shooting star. This time, he took the idea literally and crashed his aircar into the Carthon. Darn it! We were just making some progress with the water pollution problem there.

Issue #126, 9 October 2000

Fashion News

The new line of Valeron plaids was introduced this week to loud applause. Fashion experts predict that the new patterns will have galactic appeal. Domna Cristilyn Aillard will make a handsome profit from the design franchise. The cash should come in handy when she finally decides to hatch Marcello’s baby.

Pet Food

Purina Intergalactic’s attempt to introduce Banshee Chow to Darkover is a dismal failure. It seems that their test market on Ivan in Dalereuth didn’t go well. Instead of eating the food, Ivan began throwing it at Daimary MacAran. The problem, it seems, is that Purina didn’t realize that banshees prefer food that moves.

Storn’s Health Still Weak

Sources at High Windward indicate that Dom Diego Storn is not recovering well from his recent stroke. Our informants tell us that Dom Diego’s progress has been impeded by a lack of modern medical technology. Perhaps Domna Fianna should consider taking him to an off-planet facility so that he can make a full recovery.

Boxing

Those folks at Port Chicago must get very bored. We hear they have started a series of boxing matches with female participants. If they ask John Cowan to be the referee, do you think he’d actually make a public appearance to do so?

Dognapping

Several attempts have been reported of attempted dog theft in the Domains. Dog owners are advised to keep track of their animals and report any incidents of suspicious activity. We, however, would love to see someone try to abduct Buster, the Lap Dog of Aldaran!

Issue #127, 14 October 2000

Aged

On every other planet in the galaxy, humans measure their physiological age by the standard year on our ancestral planet of Terra, regardless of how many days it takes for their planet of residence to revolve around their sun. Only on Darkover is there an exception. Perhaps we should advertise this fact to the galactic tourist industry, so that people who are afraid of growing older can come to Darkover and literally be younger than they feel.

Road Construction

Travelers on the Great Road between Thendara and Caer Donn should be aware that the bridge over the Carthon River north of Lake Mariposa is being replaced and that they should take an alternate route.

Seeing Green

Apparently, there has been a "rash" of outbreaks of the contact dermatitis that produces little green spots on the unwary. Those planning to camp in the woods should exert extra caution not to come in contact with unfamiliar vegetation and to keep their hands away from certain tender body parts.

Moral Climate

How callous we’ve all become! Just a short while ago, it was a great scandal to find out who was doing what to whom in whose bed. Now it has become so commonplace that the vast majority of us must stifle a yawn every time we are forced to read about the detailed sexual encounters of the community. Congratulations to all of you who are working so hard at making sex boring.

Who Axed You?

Rumors have reached us about a wondrous purring ax in the vicinity of Neskaya. We just bet that whoever gets their hands on it has a swinging time!

Issue #128, 21 October 2000

Rumor Confirmed

It’s official: the Storns are leaving Darkover—at least for now. The Darkovan Inquirer has learned that Dom Diego Storn is seeking medical help on the distant planet of Escobar and that Domna Fianna will accompany him. Reportedly, after the cure is complete, they will take a belated honeymoon cruise through the wormhole nexus.

Magic Mushrooms

In a scene straight out of Zandru’s Ninth Hell, there have been reports of huge mobile fungi in the area around Dalereuth. Eyewitnesses tell us that the huge growths resemble slightly pudgy men wearing pink dressing gowns. Residents are cautioned to keep their distance if they encounter these growths.

Ice Carnival a Success

This year’s Ice Carnival in Nevarsin was praised as one of the best in years. The ice sculptures were outstanding and many a visitor filled up on scrumptious snow cones. The highlight of the event was the ice cube bobbing competition, won for the third straight year by Rafe McGarrett.

Lift a Leg

With reports of a "ghost collie" wandering around, we have to wonder if the phantom canine will need to find a ghost tree or ghost fence post.

Freak Occurrence

Visitors to Candermay not only had a chance to see the Ya-Men in ceremonial garb, but we’ve heard reports that someone has trained a banshee bird to dance through the streets of that exotic town in a powder-blue Terranan ballerina outfit. Gee, it sounds like the ideal date for Dalereuth’s Ivan!

Issue #129, 25 October 2000 How Does Your Garden Grow?

Word has reached us that the cralmacs in Avarra’s garden have been engaged in unrestrained rutting. It must be the fertilizer. Any way, we’re sure it adds to the scenic view.

Clean Fun

Co-ed showering seems to be the new fad in some circles, especially in Dalereuth. It really makes sense. Seeing Piedro Aillard without that pink bathrobe has got to be an improvement! But then again…

Mayhem in Carthon

Our sources in Carthon tell us that there have been a series of unexpected slayings in the city streets. The reports indicate that Terranan weapons are involved. Citizens of the Domains should be grateful for the protection the Compact offers all of us.

Full House

This year’s Intergalactic Yahtzee Tournament will be held on Escobar. The Storns are going to Escobar for Dom Diego to get medical treatment. Coincidence? You figure it out!

Breech of Etiquette

The fad among young men in Thendara for wearing tight breeches has had a major effect on etiquette There have been numerous complaints about wanton young women who have been fondling and pinching the men’s posteriors in public. All we can say, guys, is that turnabout is fair play.

Issue #130, 4 November 2000

Inquirerto Fold?

There is definite truth in the rumor that this newspaper is soon to be discontinued. Sagging readership and eroding financial base have taken their toll. After 130 issues, it is clear that the wind is out of our sails. No matter what happens next week and in the weeks to follow, the staff of the Darkovan Inquirer wishes to thank those of you who have continued to read us through the years.

Contest Winner

Congratulations go out to Dom Piedro Aillard, who is the winner of the Darkovan vocabulary contest. He is now the acknowledged master of colorful language, a title that does not surprise those of us that know him well.

Bonded

Many residents in the Thendara area claim to have seen the apparition of that mythic Terranan legend, James Bond, in the city. If truth be told, except for drinking a few martinis now and then, the current claimants to the title don’t even come close.

Insurance

Insurance companies in Carthon have noted an increase in claims for property damage in recent days. Construction workers in the city note that they have had to replace an unusually high number of windows in the past few days.

Issue #131, 11 November 2000

Employees Take Over Inquirer

In a desperate attempt to save the Darkovan Inquirerfrom folding, the employees pooled their resources to buy shares in the paper. It is not clear whether their efforts will be enough to continue publication.

A Likely Excuse

Dom Jorik Hastur claims that nubile young women keep walking through walls to enter his bedchamber. With such far-fetched excuses for his lewd behavior, we have to wonder how much longer his engagement to Maibrie Aldaran can endure.

Another Breaking of the Compact?

Rumors don’t stop in Dalereuth. The guildhouse kitchen has recently been turned into a smithy, so they say. The dwarf bread produced there is not only a dangerous weapon in direct combat, it can also be used as ammunition for catapults. And we don’t want to even think about the unfortunate person who should try to eat it.

Darkovan Linguistic Society Founded

Thendara has another social event coming. The DLS wants to preserve the rich tradition of Darkovan languages and fight against all tendencies to blur them with imported Terranan words. Among the speakers of the first meeting is the guest of honor, Alastair MacGareth, who will talk about "Cadet Slang and Its Change Through the Years." The public is welcome to attend.

Blood and Rubies

A major raid against the corrupt ruby traders of Carthon took place this week. Sources tell us that amid the carnage, over three dozen high-quality gem stones have disappeared. We can only hope that those who will wear the stones in the future will not be cursed with the bad luck that seems to be following them.

Issue #132, 18 November 2000New Delicacy in Dalereuth

Tourists are flocking to Dalereuth to try the newest culinary delight there, oiled cralmac. At least one Terranan tourist seems to have gotten a real kick out of the dish, but it seems to have left local bar patrons cold.

War Threatens the Domains

Some people seem to think that a revival of Darkover‘s military past is just the thing. We hear that the MacNeills and the MacAnndras are about to declare feud with each other. As if this wasn´t enough, the Alars and the Ridenows prepare to take sides. We really anticipate the meeting of all actors in this drama at the concert in Thendara. Maybe the soothing influence of music will help to prevent a backslide in the Ages of Chaos.

Lost and Found

The owner of the pink spidersilk panties that were found hanging from the chandelier in the east antechamber of the Thendara Guard Hall may reclaim them at the Commander's Office.

Dalereuth Tourism Industry Bustling

Is it the climate? The fresh fish? The beautiful landscape? Climbing and cliffsurfing? Or do people hope to see the legendary sea chieri? Whatever it might be, every other day new people arrive at Dalereuth. They all ask for a place to stay in the Tower, which is soon to be reopened as "Dalereuth Grand Hotel." Domna Marilla could not be reached for comment.

Environment Hazards Reported

We thought this was only a problem of industrialized planets, but sources tell us that the Sea of Dalereuth suffers from overfishing. The legendary sea chieri are said to have left their ancient homes, after not only Dom Piedro Aillard, but also Domna Daimary MacAran threaten them with frequent visits. The seabirds nesting at the cliffs of Dalereuth are disturbed by freeclimbers. And, worst of all, climatologists tell us that the amount of ashes sent in the atmosphere by the fires in Thendara may block Darkover from sunlight completely, causing a further drop in temperature. Soon, we will all feel as if we are in in Zandru's seventh hell.

Issue #133, 25 November 2000

Marriage Announcement

Daimary McAran announces the marriage of her pet Ivan the Horrible to Elizabeth Martinez-Wang. Service will be held in the Dalereuth Tower on Midwinter Eve. Gifts are welcome. One can only wonder if it’s going to be Elizabeth the Horrible or Ivan Wang from now on. Or perhaps they will both become Horrible Wangs!

Chaos Days at DalereuthApparently Dalereuth by the Sea has gone back to the Ages of Chaos where the city was popular for its production of clingfire. Officials report that a matrix weapon hit the kitchen of Dalereuth Guildhouse. Nevertheless, at no time was there any danger to the population said chief officer MacBryan while keeping a considerable distance from the house. On the plus side, it melted lots of chocolate and the sisters spent the rest of the day eating hot fudge sundaes.

Early Winter Near StornThe first real snowstorm of the season has hit the mountains. The weather is unusually cold for this time of the year, so we warn all travelers in this area to bring an extra supply of warm clothing, high-energy food and firewood. Farmers near Storn Heights report that many of their horses and chervines were completely buried in the snowfall.

Support for Victims of the Fire in Thendara

The musicians’ guild announces that all profits made at the much-anticipated concert will go into a fund that benefits all those unfortunate people who lost their homes in the fire. Guilds and merchants supply Comyn Castle with food and clothing for the needy. Even the Sons of Darkover membership wants to help. They will do voluntary work and help in building shelters for the fire victims. As much as this outburst of charity delights us, we can´t help wondering if they will do this for everybody or just for those who see the error in their ways and swear not to sell Terranan goods any more.

New Fashion Style Sweeps Dalereuth

Tailors and hairdresser are working overtime in Dalereuth to satisfy all the demands for the newest thing in every-day wear. Huge, shapeless robes in green with blotches of red and gold, resembling jelly and honey, and a wild hairstyle not only covering the neck but also most of the face are all the rage among young women. No wonder, this new style is called the “banshee”. The last detail to complete the new look are pink bunny slippers that for some strange reason have to be obtained by stealing them.

Issue #134, 27 November 2000

Unemployment Rate Rises

Officials report rising rates of unemployment in the capital due to impoverished Comyn taking up work to save for their butler’s salaries. Dom Connor-Rakhal Ardais was overheard plotting such scheme in public with his newest baragana Damisela Danette.

Poetry Contest Winner Announced

The winner of this year’s Domains Poetry Contest is Joachim Montray of Caer Donn, who submitted the following masterpiece:

A Darkovan couple named McGroom
Took an emasca up to their room.
Needless to say
They argued all day
Over who should do what and to whom.

Dalereuth Tower or Dalereuth Brothel?

All Dalereuth is abuzz with the strange sights that can be seen lately in the windows of Dalereuth Tower. Ticklish pink feather boas, banshees, woman with exposed necks, men in black leather, and overall much too much pink—and the tourists are jamming the town to witness the spectacle! The proprietor of the Oiled Cralmac is contemplating converting his business to a tea room so as not to compete.

Darkovan Linguistic Society Offers Language Courses

Inept Terrans pay attention: the first lessons shall cover questions such as “Casta and Cahuenga—What Language is Appropriate in What Situation?”, “The Different Meanings of the Word Breduand How to Use it Correctly” and “Ways to Introduce Oneself Without Offending Anyone”.

Scandal at the City Guard

Thendara citizens are outraged. Instead of being taught to stand straight and to stay sober, the cadets are now taught to slouch and to drink. This will without doubt set a fine example for young men in the city. Comyn ladies are shocked by the prospect that their daughters will be escorted by drunken cadets. These changes are rumored to be initiated by Lieutenant Rafael Castamir, whose once good reputation got seriously damaged when he started to chase after Mestra Berana Campbell. As usual, Dom Eduin Alton, Commander of the Guard, could not be reached for comment.

Issue #135, 9 December 2000

Missing in Action

The Dalereuth Guildhouse asks for you help. One of their younger members, Marlis n'ha Rohanna is reported missing since last night. The girl is a teenager, brunette, with Renunciate’s clothing and a pair of broken scissors. Anyone able to give any hint on the missing girl is requested to contact the Renunciates’ Guildhouse at Dalereuth or any Tower near you.

Good Rises from Bad

Readers can no longer say the sole purpose of the Darkovan Inquireris for causing trouble and disturbing the peace. Lately, the mentioning of a scandalous baragana relationship in the house of Ardais has brought about the hasty marriage of Connor-Rakhal Ardais and Damisella Danette, the aforementioned couple. We of wish them happiness ever after, although we condemn the threats and pressure exerted upon our staff members and informants.

Dimension’s Warp

Rumors have it that a pink appearance near Dalereuth was escaping a hut in clouds of hot air and rolling in the first snow. Of course, similarities with one of the Tower’s head Technicians could not be proved. Matrix screens suggested this to be a space-time warp featuring Cherrily’s Twin on vacation from another reality.

Much Ado About Nothing

Weeks of planning... Nights of discussion... Words of wisdom written on parchment... How long have the members of Dalereuth Tower worked on the new training program for Renunciates with laran? They even sent away other people in need of training just to get to the crucial event of the first training session in the guildhouse—and now they can only round up one Renunciate and one tower trainee. That makes one teacher per trainee, one and a half if you count Dom Piedro Aillard, the mystery in green. We can only pity the poor trainees.

My Secret Sermons....

Is the secret of the Aillard gift to be revealed at last? Dom Piedro Aillard hints that it has to do with being able to show up in guildhouses without passing the front door and getting disemboweled by Jaelle n´ha Gilla. Guildmothers of Darkover, be warned! Soon, there will be loads of men in your novices dormitories claiming to be Aillards who train their laran. Then again, perhaps they are coming to sing their repertoire of ancient Terranan show tunes.

Storn Report

Word has just reached us from deep space that Dom Diego Storn and his lovely wife, Fianna Ridenow-Storn are doing well. They are now in Vervaini space about to enter the Hegen Hub on their way to Escobar. Those who are interested can come and see the post card they sent the Darkovan Inquireroffice in Caer Donn.

Issue #136, 16 December 2000

You-Know-Who

Lately, a group of Comyn lords and ladies has been assembled under the dubious leadership of Dom Jorik Hastur to go on a quest. Our honored heroes and heroines are going to fight Sharra, Darkover’s sinister flaming goddess. Here is a question for the adventurers: How many worlds do you think Sharra could have destroyed while you were getting ready and getting ready and packing and dressing getting ready to leave already?

Rats on a Sinking Ship

There's been continuous reporting of vermin in Comyn Castle, especially the Leynier suites lately. Sightings of rats take turns with white mice. Most astonishing of all neither the Leyniers nor castle personnel even think about calling pest-control. On second thought, though, maybe a psychiatrist would be more suitable.

Dress Code

Darkover has never been the galaxy’s fashion capital, but the lack of fashion sense now reaches from the Hellers down to Dalereuth. Renunciates throughout the lands are in danger of losing their distinctive identity. There are common women dressing up as Amazons, Amazons dressing as farmers, Leroni taking their dress for some sort of outdoor activity, and half-chieri carrying Renunciate names. What's next? A headblind in crimson?

Civil War About to Break Out in the Dry Towns?

From Shainsa to Ardcarran, we keep hearing reports that there is political dissent surfacing throughout the Dry Towns. A crash in the ruby market has disrupted the economy and many of the economically disadvantaged have been demanding social programs which have until now been the province of the rich and powerful. Perhaps one day the Domains will step in, clear out the scoundrels who oppress the Dry Town women, and annex these lands once and for all.

Matrix Trouble

Workers trying to install a new artificial matrix at Corandolis accidentally dropped the framework, shattering three major crystals. The psychic vibrations from the catastrophe were felt as far away as Tramontana. There is no news on whether the matrix and be repaired, and if it can’t, it is a real blow to the dream of an efficient global communications network on Darkover

Issue #137, 23 December 2000

A Note from the Editor-in-Chief and His Intrepid Staff:

Year’s end is nearing and although Darkover is still far from Midwinter, Terra is nearing the solstice, celebrating such holidays as Yule, Christmas, Hanukkah, Ramadan, Kwanzaa, and New Year. We feel it’s time to look back and time to give suitable presents.

For Matthias Leynier: A horse whip to drill his growing menagerie.

For Daimary McAran: Smelling salts to help her fainting spells and a cushion to soften her fall.

For Liss: An e-mail address that she is absolutely forbidden to change ever again.

For Ivan and Elisabeth: A night in the Oiled Cralmac’s honeymoon suite

For Algernon: A choice of plastic surgery for a thumb (you know, it makes conquering the world a lot easier if you can hold a weapon) or on the pinkie (for wrapping people around).

For Diego and Fianna: Intergalactic phone cards so they can call home.

For Gavin MacDonnal: A long term memory, a new clinic, and a Terranan-style fire extinguisher.

For Carri the Dancer: Valerian root tea.

For Jorik Hastur: A shepherd dog. We doubt he'll ever be able to round up his conquistadores all alone.

For Frank Barber: Free graduate class sponsored by the Federation foreign office: “Learn Talk’n’ Casta W’thout Elisions in a Tenday, No Kiddin’.”

For Marjo and Derek: Silver polish for their catenas -- they look a bit tarnished lately.

For Piedro: Green and red chervine slippers.

For Jaelle: A disguise kit just like the other Darkovan Inquirer reporters have.

For Bejira: Companions that won’t make you do everything.

For Maibrie: Kireseth chocolates again this year, which ought to make up for how slow things are in the romance department.

For John Cowan: The brand-new intergalactic comparative dictionary.

For everybody else: Our continued love and watchful eye in the coming year!

Issue #138, 30 December 2000

Late Start to Benefit Concert

The attendees of the benefit concert for the victims of the recent fire in Thendara were kept waiting in the cold due to a delay in the arrival of the first soloist, Guardsman Cadet Julian MacAnndra-Tyall. Isn't playing prima donna at your first performance a little premature, Cadet MacAnndra?

Fashion News

The most shocking outfit at the benefit concert was worn not by a woman, but by a man. Junior Officer Gregori Haldar-Tyall surprised everybody by wearing something other than his Guardsman's uniform to the concert. Maybe someone finally told him it smelled.

Election for Most Treasured Bachelor Held in Dalereuth

... and the winner is: Dom Piedro Aillard! His abilities with matrix screens, his air of authority and his caring nature leave tower workers and Renunciates alike in a state of sweet confusion every time he appears out of thin air. Too bad his tastes run in a different direction. Dom Piedro is lucky twice, because the turquoise lightning that seems to accompany him convinced the judges recently to award him the title "flashiest-dressed man," too, with Dyan "The Peacock" Ridenow as second winner. The young Lord received a special award for being able to think about clothes just five minutes after almost being disemboweled.

Sticky Situation

A young couple prominent in the Caer Donn social scene recently had an episode they’d like to forget. It seems that while strolling through a wooded glade, certain urges overcame them. Since they were unprepared and were lacking their usual lubricant, the enterprising young man reached into their picnic basket, grabbed a jar of honey, and…well, you get the picture. What they didn’t take into account was that they had spread their blanket on an ant hill. It literally drove them buggy!

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