A cat dies and goes to Heaven.
God meets him at the gate and says: "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you desire, all you have to do is ask."
The cat says,"Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."
God says, " Say no more." And instantly a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer He made the cat.
The mice said."all our life we've had to run. We've been chased by cats,dogs, and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run any more."
God says, "say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently nudges him awake and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"
The cat yawns and stretches and says."Oh, I've
never been happier in my life. And those meals on wheels you've been
sending over are the Best!"
Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget.
We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We
have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic
archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to
report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now
implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your
new standards:
Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September,
October, November, December
As well as: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak
I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it?
Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year
when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00?
We'll await your direction.
As answered by some well-known people:
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and he said unto the
Chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the
road, and there was much rejoicing.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many
more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the
chicken did NOT cross the road.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't
anyone ever think to ask "What the heck was this chicken doing
walking around all over the place, anyway?"
SIGMUND FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the
chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the Chicken Office 2000, which will
not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important
documents and balance your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the
road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time,
whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
CHARLES DARWIN: Chickens, over a great period of time, have been
naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically
dispositioned to cross roads.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will
be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road and that was
good enough for us.
NICCOLO MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road.
Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever
motive there was.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road
moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road; it
transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF ...
A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On
returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were 2 boy
kittens & 2 girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy
picked them up and looked underneath," he replied, "I think it's
printed on the bottom."
*******************
Another three year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed
the left was on the right foot She said, "Son, your shoes are on the
wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't
kid me, Mom, I KNOW they're my feet."
*******************
On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone
has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from
the back of the room asked, "How will that
help?"
********************
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began
putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers
and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother
asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy
explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
********************
Can people predict the future with cards? My mother can.
Really?
Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen
when my father gets home.
********************
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man
named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his
wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened
to the flea?"
********************
A four-year-old girl was learning to say the Lord's Prayer. She was
reciting it all by herself without help from her mother. She said, "And
lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail. AMEN"
********************
Where's the English Channel?
I don't know our television doesn't pick it up.
********************
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: 1,343 - 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list
that the light bulb has been changed;
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed differently;
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs;
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light
bulbs;
53 to flame the spell checkers;
41 to correct spelling/grammar flames;
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb";
another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive;
156 to write to the list administrator about the light bulb
discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list;
109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please
take this email exchange to litebulb-l;
203 to demand that cross posting to grammar-l, spelling-l and
illuminati-l about changing light bulbs be stopped;
111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this mail list;
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where
to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for
this technique and what brands are faulty;
27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs;
14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and the post the
corrected URL's;
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to
this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list;
33 to link all posts to date, then quote them including all headers
and footers and then add "Me too";
12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they
cannot handle the light bulb controversy;
19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three";
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ;
44 to ask what is "FAQ";
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago on
Usenet?"
143 to ask "what's Usenet?"
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was
discovered in the Dead Seal Scrolls. If authentic, it would shed light
on the question, "Where do pets come from?"
And Adam said, "Lord, when I was
in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am
lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love
me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey
Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not
the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam
was greatly improved. And Cat did not care one way or the other.
Here is a link to another place with funny cartoons. Hope you like them.
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