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Miscarriages can be devastating to
some people. In that first moment that you discover that you are expecting a child, you
have made about a million plans for that child's future!
So when you lose that baby, no matter how far along
you are, you lose your child... This page is about my story of the two little angels I
have in heaven, Inky and Pinky...
In May 1990, Randy and I were married, we lived at
home with his parents until November 1993. We then bought our first home, furnished it,
settled in and decided to start a family. It wasn't going to be as easy as we thought.
Although fertility tests and all that charting stuff never entered into our plan, we were
beginning to wonder....
In August of 1996, we got the confirmation from a home pregnancy test... After two years
we were finally pregnant!! Randy's dad named him 'Inky', as I was working as a press
operator at the time.
One night in October, I was home alone while Randy was at work. I noticed some blood on
one trip to the bathroom. I phoned my dad at home and asked him if he could come and take
me to the hospital, he said yes. I called Randy at work and told him that my dad was
taking me to the hospital and not to panic. He was going to lock up and meet me there. My
dad called back a couple of minutes later and said to call the ambulance and he would meet
me at the hospital if I was gone when he got there.
Well, dad arrived just as they were taking me out, and he followed us. Thank goodness for
Daddies!! I was so glad to have my dad there until Randy could get there. One thing..
unless your problem is life threatening... in the emergency ward here, expect to wait. I
sat in a wheelchair in emergency for just over a half of an hour before they took me into
another room. The nurse came in and asked me to go and get a urine sample, and that's when
we lost Inky. I knew it right away, even though they wouldn't say anything to us for
almost another half an hour while they did all their test and stuff.
When the doctor told us, I grit my teeth and said I was ok, but I am sure that he could
see the way I was feeling in my face. I think the doctor was about to cry. Randy and I had
a little cry and settled a bit so they could take me upstairs. It was late and I would
have to wait until the morning for a d&c. Randy went to visit my mom and dad to let
them know what was happening. This was their first baby's baby.
I was upstairs, tired, very sad and I guess kind of in shock. 'Inky' was already three
months old and I just couldn't figure why it would happen to me. I did all the right
things... vitamins, eating right, no coffee, quit smoking and still, we lost our baby...
I guess I am lucky that the 'What is meant to be will be' and 'All things happen for a
reason' clichés, are my life's philosophy. That is what got me through this. God has
another little angel now, my dear sweet precious 'Inky' has wings, that has got to be so
cool!
'Inky', I love you and still think of you now, although three years have come and gone,
and we have Tommy here, you will always be in my heart and a part of my soul.
Tommy is now almost 2 and it is time to start trying
for another child. We would like Tommy to be between 2½ and 3½ when the next one is
born. Well, July 1999 we began to try. Can you believe that August we got a positive test!
Our first month trying. We couldn't believe it after having tried so long the first time.
August 9th we got the results back... On August 17 I began to bleed. I couldn't
believe it... not again!!! Randy dropped me off at the hospital, and stayed with Tommy. I
told him I would be ok and not to worry, it wasn't like the first time. They took me in
and for the first 3 hours did tests. Blood tests, a cardiogram, an internal,a poke here
and there. After the tests came back, they said that I still had Hcg hormone showing which
in addition to the fact that my cervix was still closed meant that I could still very
likely be pregnant, but they wanted to do an ultrasound before going any further. Randy
came in about then, and stayed with me. They said they had an appointment for my
ultrasound in about three hours. I told Randy that he might as well go and I would try and
get some sleep. I just couldn't imagine laying there for three hours having to think. At
least sleeping time would be passing and I wouldn't even know it.
Randy came back and they took me upstairs right away. in the end, the ultrasound showed
nothing, although they did say that they didn't see a sac, which for my weeks could be
normal. It was really early to see much. they said I could stay in the hospital for a
couple days and they would do tests there and see what was happening, or I could go home
and rest there and come back in for another blood test in a couple of days to see if the
hcg levels had increased(pregnant) or diminished(miscarriage). I opted for going home,
can't stand hospital food.
I went in to my ob/gyn's for a blood test the next afternoon. Then home again to rest and
wait. I phoned back the next day around lunch time as I was getting a little anxious. They
said the results weren't back yet, but that the doctor would phone me as soon as she got
them. I still hadn't heard back by 4:00 and gave them a shout back. My ob/gyn had been
called into surgery and would either get back to me later that evening or the next day.
The next morning(friday) I got a call from her at 9am. I had miscarried, and to come in
next wednesday for another blood test to see whether I would need a d&c. They are
hoping not to have to. If my body cleans itself out well, I won't have to.
Well, it's 5am sunday morning and things are beginning to sink in. It all happened so
fast. Yes, we'll try; yes, we are; yes, we lost the baby. Well, this little is named
'pinky'. Since 'Inky' was always referred to as 'he', this little one will be 'she'.
It is a little more difficult to try and make sense of it this time, but I find that I am
dealing with this well. The hardest part for me is the guilt that I feel because this
doesn't devastate me. I feel the "why me" and the "it isn't fair", but
the "...happens for a reason" kicks in and I am ok with it all. I have a very
strong husband and for that, I am so thankful. Without having Randy and the way he is,
maybe things would be different for me.
Pinky, I pray that you and Inky are running around up there with Grampy. Spreading those
baby wings of yours and being happy. I can just see you all laughing and playing together
when I close my eyes.
I will always love you....
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