Six Years Old

Lost Innocence

The molestation took place when I was six years old. I, being somewhat of a tomboy and the usual pain-in-the-neck little sister, liked to follow my brother around a lot at that age. I had followed him and a group of his friends to a vacant lot not far from our house, opposite the corner that Lee High School sat on. This vacant lot was on the southeast corner of Neely Ave. and Tarleton St. Now there are condominiums on that corner as there have been since before I graduated high school in 1985.

At the time of the incident, there was very tall grass growing there, probably at least 6 ft. tall or taller. Besides the group of my brother's friends, another neighborhood boy, the Osborne kid (12 years old) who lived down the block from us, was out there as well. He managed to get me alone somehow and threatened me with his belt if I didn't do as he said. Keep in mind, this was still during the years that parents regularly spanked their children with belts if they needed it, before other non-parents cried foul. I had a healthy respect for the belt at this age. I know that the Osborne kid would not have been able to get me to do anything if he had not threatened me in such a way.

Keep in mind that I knew enough about right from wrong at this age that I knew what he asked me to do was very, very wrong. If he had not threatened me with the belt, there is no chance that I would have done what he asked. The Osborne kid told me to take down my pants and panties. Not wanting to be hit with his leather belt with a big buckle on it, I did as he commanded. I can't remember much else after that, if he asked me to do more or what. I can only assume that I saw my opportunity somehow to get the hell out of there. My brother later told me and my parents that he had seen the whole thing but, being younger than the Osborne kid, he felt he was helpless to help me.

It was bad enough what the Osborne kid had done but the worst was yet to come. I knew what he had done was wrong and that I was just his victim, not a willing accomplice. I immediately went to my parents to tell them what he had done so they could go to his parents and have something done about the situation. I have no idea why they acted the way they did. My mother and father, specifically my mother, wanted to make sure that I knew what happened was wrong so, instead of holding the Osborne kid responsible, they spanked me with the belt and sent me to my room, leaving me bewildered and twice hurt.

I grew up somewhat like Kirc in that, at least as a child, we weren't allowed to disagree with our parents. Therefore, it was not until I was an adult that I first attempted to talk to my parents about their actions in this matter. The response I got from both of them was simply that they did the best they knew how at the time. Ok, speaking from the standpoint as being a parent myself for over seven years, what the f*ck is that all about? I needed them to see that they had made a mistake that had had very harmful effects on me. I was literally harmed more by their actions then by what the Osborne kid did to me. I did not have to live the rest of my life related to or being around the Osborne kid. I did, however, have to live with two people who were supposed to love me and protect me from harm and who chose to make me the criminal and punish me. They never did go to the Osborne kid's parents and do anything. Because of this, I have a certain amount of awareness of how a raped person feels who has been treated like she was somehow responsible for her rape.

All I've ever wanted is for them to have said, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry that we made such a mistake and hurt you even more than you had already been hurt." I'm really not one to hold grudges if the person who has hurt me badly eventually is remorseful for their deeds or if that person is no longer a part of my life. What my brother did to me is proof of that. He asked forgiveness from me sometime in the years after his plane crash as he felt very bad for having molested me himself. I forgave him and this healed our relationship.

On May 17th of this year, my father went so far as to say that I shouldn't hold him responsible for what he isn't responsible for. He had tried to say earlier that he did what he did (spank me) only at the order of my mother, that he was so busy with work at the time that he let her make the decisions regarding discipline. Bullsh*t. My entire life, until they each retired, both my parents either worked for someone else or had their own business. My mom was never a stay-at-home mom since the time I was born. She apparently stayed home during my older brother Tim's first six months. On top of her job, my mother also had to abide by the social rules at the time that stated that, no matter if a woman worked outside the home, she was still the housewife and solely responsible for taking care of the home.

I realize now that my father will never understand during this lifetime. He will have to simply learn when his time comes. I do believe that, when we die, we learn what mistakes we've made that harmed others that we didn't make up for in this life.

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